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End of the Road
by HeidiM.
Grief, Starbuck knew, was a long, slow journey. Nothing could be done to rush it, a man had to travel that dark road at his own pace.
Starbuck had these thoughts as he watched Apollo listlessly pick at his food. The Captain looked tired, his eyes lacked expression, gaze turned inwards since Serina was killed.
“What?” Apollo asked, noticing Starbuck’s stare.
“Nothing. You want to go to the OC later? Have a drink, play some cards?”
Apollo shook his head. “No. Thanks.”
“Might be good for you.”
“Don’t tell me what’s good for me. You don’t know.”
<But I do know,> Starbuck thought, sighing, his heart
aching for his friend. <I do…>
**
The thing was, Apollo didn’t even really love Serina. He had married her in a weak moment, would have regretted it for the rest of his life had she lived, but now he felt guilty for not protecting her on Kobol. He should have seen the Cylon, should have known they weren’t out of danger, but he was distracted.
Terribly distracted.
By Starbuck, miraculously returned from the clutches of the enemy.
Starbuck, who was closer to him than anyone in his family, so close that Apollo had convinced himself that the next logical step was to be intimate with him, had entertained the idea lying in his bed at night, fantasizing about holding Starbuck, kissing him…but there was never a right time. And it would have been difficult anyway, given their relative positions in the military hierarchy. The Commander would certainly frown on it, for many reasons, some based in prejudice, some in practicality. No, it wouldn’t have been a good idea to get deeper involved with Starbuck, no matter how much he’d wanted it.
So, Serina came along, managing to take his mind off his best friend, and was there to comfort him when Starbuck went missing, culminating in a hasty decision to put the past behind him and make a life with this woman he certainly cared about and liked, and hopefully would come to love as the yahrens passed. A perfect solution to his loneliness, Apollo had thought.
The gods of Kobol had thought differently. They gave Starbuck back, and took Serina away, leaving Apollo trapped in a state of guilt and confusion, unable to move forward, but finding the past too painful to contemplate, so he lived only in the present, doing his job, speaking when spoken to, offering nothing of himself to anyone, alone, and lonely.
Starbuck hovered around, and Apollo was grateful for that, he really was, but it also reminded him of what he couldn’t have. At times he felt like the dam of repressed emotion within him might break, and he had to fight down the urge to pull the Lieutenant to him and admit the depth of his longing, but that wouldn’t be right by Serina, the woman he’d misled into marriage and then let die on a barren, abandoned world.
**
“Come on, Apollo,” Starbuck said, “it’s just a friendly game. Be good practice, anyway, we haven’t played in, what – four or five sectars?”
“Go ask Boomer.”
“I don’t want to ask Boomer. It may be a friendly game, but I still want to win.”
This made Apollo look up. “How much did you put down?”
Starbuck gazed back with an expression of wounded innocence. “I can’t believe you said that. We’re just talking about a meaningless, time-waster game of Triad, here. Wouldn’t be worth the trouble of setting odds, or finding someone to hold the money.”
“For you, Starbuck, it’s always worth the trouble.” Apollo sighed, thinking. Triad, well, at the very least, it’d be good exercise, something Apollo felt like he hadn’t gotten enough of, lately. “Do I get half the winnings?”
“Why should you get anything? You haven’t put down one cubit.”
“Sorry, Bucko, that’s my offer. Take it or leave it.”
Starbuck sighed, looking disgruntled, but was secretly delighted. Apollo was showing a glimmer of his old self, a very hopeful sign.
“Goes against all my principles, but, okay, you got a deal. That means I’ll have certain expectations of you on the court.”
“Of me? I’m the better player on this team.”
“Well, you’ve certainly got the bigger ego, anyway. Court’s booked for 1700. See you there.”
Starbuck left the Duty Office, wide smile on his face. He knew there had to be a way to coax Apollo back into the land of the living, didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of Triad before. The one thing the overworked Captain would make time for was Triad, he’d lived and breathed that game since he was in his teens. Starbuck mentally patted himself on the back, thinking he was so smart setting this up. <Triad therapy>, he thought, <and if this goes well, maybe we can move on to a little Starbuck therapy…>
**
This was a mistake.
Apollo knew it as soon as he stepped into the locker room. Starbuck was half undressed, sorting through the skimpy padded equipment that made up a Triad uniform. Apollo saw the muscles ripple across his back, had to look away. Like the worst kind of voyeur, he’d secretly watched Starbuck change and shower so many times, he knew every freckle and every scar. He was about to turn and go, but Starbuck
spotted him.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
Reluctantly, Apollo moved forward, hefting his bag of gear. He slipped off his flight jacket, then his tunic, resolutely not looking at Starbuck. A hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he turned to find deep blue eyes looking into his.
“Here,” Starbuck said, handing him a tube. “For under the pads.”
“Thanks.”
Apollo rubbed the gel into his shoulders. It would protect the skin against chafing. Out of the corner of his eye, Apollo looked across to where Starbuck was. The Lieutenant appeared to be fiddling with his boots, but Apollo thought his gaze kept drifting up.
Just concentrate on the game, he told himself.
“Who’re we playing, anyway?” Apollo asked.
“Silver Spar team, Logan and Erick.”
“We can take them.”
“They’ve been practicing.”
“No talent to begin with, so that doesn’t matter.”
“And so it starts: Apollo’s usual trash-talk warm-up.”
Apollo smiled at him, a genuine smile, thinking maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Starbuck grinned back, and Apollo felt that familiar yearning, followed by a jolt of guilt. He looked away, the smile dying. <Why are you doing this to me, Starbuck?> he thought, doing a rapid check of his equipment and grabbing his helmet.
“Ready?” he said.
Starbuck nodded, concern in his expression, but he said nothing, just got up and headed for the court.
**
They won the game. Logan and Erick put up a good fight, but Starbuck and Apollo weren’t the best team in the Fleet for nothing.
Apollo felt strangely elated. Adrenaline coursed through him, the shadows had been lifted the whole time he was on the court. He’d made some good plays, he and Starbuck working together in their usual perfect harmony, instinctively knowing where the other would be. In the locker room afterwards, he and Starbuck dissected the game, with the same banter of old, teasing each other about misplays, boasting about their dazzling skills, the closeness of before temporarily reinstated.
And then, a moment to ruin it all.
Starbuck moved close, too close. His blue eyes held Apollo captive, conflicting emotions coursed through him, he wanted this, and yet –
And yet, he couldn’t.
“Apollo,” Starbuck said softly, reaching up to touch the Captain’s face, “Apollo, I’ve wanted to tell you for a while –”
He broke off as Apollo pulled away. “Don’t, Starbuck, please.”
“How long are you going to keep me out?”
“Starbuck… I – I need you, to be a friend.”
“I’ve always been more than that to you. And you, to me.”
Apollo didn’t reply, his silence the acknowledgement.
“I know you’re lonely, Apollo,” Starbuck said. “Guilt does that to a person. I’m not gonna tell you you’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, because you have to decide that. But, I want to say, when you’ve decided, I hope you come find me. I’ll be waiting.”
Starbuck hefted his gear bag and left the locker room, Apollo watching after him, the urge to call Starbuck back nearly winning out. Gods, Apollo loved him, with those words, he allowed the love to take root. He would go find Starbuck, in a day or two, when he’d sorted everything out. It was time to let Serina’s ghost rest.
**
Starbuck worried he’d made a fool of himself. Apollo treated him like normal, was even warmer in his demeanour than before, but nothing had been said about the scene in the locker room. Humiliation wasn’t a state Starbuck was accustomed to. It made him a bit angry, and he had to control the impulse to snap at Apollo. <Not his fault,> Starbuck kept telling himself, <you’re the one who opened your big mouth.>
His duty shift was nearly over. He looked at his chrono, counting down the dying centons. He stood in the duty office doorway, idly watching his fellow pilots engaged in their various tasks. His chrono beeped. Work was done, time to head to the OC for a drink.
Humming to himself, he sauntered along, nodding at people he knew as they passed. In the OC, his gaze went right to a dark haired man sitting at the bar with Boomer. It was Apollo, making his first appearance here in nearly two sectars. Surprised, Starbuck approached them, and was hit with an intense green-eyed gaze that nearly left him breathless. Boomer excused himself, patting Apollo affectionately on the shoulder as he went.
“Anything to report, Lieutenant?” Apollo asked.
“No, uh, sir.”
“Good. Well, I can buy you a drink, or we can go for a walk. Your choice, what would you like to do?”
Starbuck was a bit confused by the question, but then that intense gaze hit him again, and he knew the right answer:
“A walk, I think.”
With a smile, Apollo stood, and they left the OC. They wandered down a few decks, making small talk, Starbuck’s heart beating rapidly in anticipation. Apollo seemed to know where they were going, with absolute casualness manoeuvred them into a small, unused observation room. It had cargo bins and miscellaneous bits of equipment stacked against the walls, but there was a large portal, nothing but stars in view.
“How’d you find this place?” Starbuck asked. “I never noticed it before.”
“When I first got posted here, I used to explore when I had nothing else to do,” Apollo replied. “I thought about turning this room into something more useful, but decided to keep it my secret.”
“I won’t tell anybody.”
They stood looking out, side by side, standing close so that they nearly touched. Starbuck waited, the tension making his chest tight. He breathed deeply.
“So,” Apollo said, slowly, “I guess I’ve found you.”
Starbuck looked at him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
He watched Apollo’s face come closer, and leaned in to meet it, closing his eyes when their lips touched in a gentle, exploratory kiss. They held it for a few heartbeats, then broke off, so they could turn and face each other. Starbuck felt strong arms go around him and pull him close, soft lips found his again, kissing with more heat. With one hand in Apollo’s hair, the other in the small of his back, Starbuck responded passionately. Breathless, they broke apart, looking deeply into each other’s eyes.
“Glad you didn’t make me wait too long,” Starbuck said.
“Glad you didn’t give up,” Apollo replied.
“I couldn’t. It’s always been you, Apollo.”
“Now it’s us.”
Starbuck smiled. The grief was gone from Apollo’s eyes, and he vowed to make sure it never returned.
THE END