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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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747
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1/1
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8
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1,126

Quicksand

Summary:

*Emotion on emotion, memories that she's not sure are even hers; are any of them hers anymore? She can't tell. Not anymore. She's not sure she wants to know, either*

Work Text:

Quicksand
by Ann

 

"He looks better in red." River grips herself tightly, her gaze upward as she murmurs the words. She can't explain how she feels; it's all a tangled mess. Emotion on emotion, memories that she's not sure are even hers; are any of them hers anymore? She can't tell. Not anymore. She's not  sure she wants to know, either, not when she tries to look close and sees blood and pain and the whole 'verse gone to *go se*.

When Simon's close, she has something to grip to; something to keep things from biting back into her, swallowing her up and trapping her tight. *Little doll caught in quicksand, sucked down too fast to be saved...*

Dreams and nightmares, all behind her eyes though she's awake. They can't be her thoughts, her feelings, her memories, her guilt. Hidden things coming out all dirty, misshapen and wrong. They don't stop, they make her scream and shout and rage. Sometimes at Simon, sometimes at the rest of the crew. Preacher man's got a darkness, not so innocent or so forgiving. Darkness in the captain, too, twisted up with loyalty, compassion, fury, lust when he looks at Inara. Secrets there, too. River can't run from them, they all make her see. She doesn't want to see or know, doesn't eavesdrop, but still she gets inside and finds what they don't want known. Don't want told. She shouldn't carry this, but *they* made her. They all make her, with their noisy thoughts and feelings, the things buried beneath that scream. They can ignore, but she can't.

It's illogical to hear the reassurances around her now, to feel the crowd of confusionannoyancefear press against her mind, and she lashes out; verbosity  fails and speaking the words confounds her. No one can hear for listening anyway.

There's times, she can't even do this. It hurts to do anything but keep silent and push away the overwhelming ache that threatens, that bubbles up inside and makes her choke. Makes her want to lie down and stop breathing, * stop...everything.*

The thought is sudden, shot up from the coldness of her belly to pulse sharply in her head. She curses even before the captain catches her fist and she clutches at the side of her head, not wanting to look, not wanting to see, but shutting her eyes doesn't stop it from coming. It never stops it from coming. There's blood on her hands as Jayne glares down at her, coppery taste of it on her lips as her mouth smarts.

Then Simon's there again, trembling against her, the slightest movement involuntary as she lets herself sag against him, lets herself be half-carried back to her bunk. And he's holding her close, his hand stroking at her back as she sobs, as she lays her head against his chest and lets the
thumpthump there drive away the pounding in her head. She can't hear what he says, but she knows he's talking to her. Words not meaning anything because it's Simon that means it all; his voice, his arms, his thoughts...everything that's reassuring and calming and just him.

Her lips are on his now and she feels him hesitate for a moment, barest uncertainty before he's kissing her back. No tongue, just lips and warm breath and the tears sliding down her cheeks. Then he's pulling away and she feels his confusion, feels her stomach flip and chest warm. He wants her, needs her like she needs him, but he can't let himself. *Not now, not ever?*The idea makes her laugh but then he's talking, words that tell her that they can't, that they shouldn't. Words that should drive her to push him away, to sink back into the noise around her. But Simon's still there, still wanting her, he just can't, and she smiles when she realizes why. Catches the thought behind it and entwines her fingers with his. He can't *yet*.

She wants to tell him that it's alright, that she's always felt this, wanted him like this. Even before they broke her, made her words all twisted and true. Instead she lays her head on his chest again, closes her eyes and lets the light thumping drown out words, drown out thoughts that aren't her own.

 

end