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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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684
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1/1
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7
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896

Undercurrent

Summary:

Summary:*It made her feel broken, instead of just bruised.*

Work Text:

Undercurrent
by Ann

Fandom: Firefly
Pairing/character: River/Simon
Warnings: Angst, CSI, post 'The Train job'
Rating (This chapter): PG
Thanks to meimei42 for the great beta
To recrudescence, I'm your Secret Santa, I hope you like the first of your two ficlets.

 

Sometimes Simon lied. He didn't intend too and couldn't always see the lie for what it was, but she could. River could. When Simon told her she'd get better, when he held her close, his hand stroking her back as he murmured reassurances , River knew he was lying.

Simon didn't even know it himself. Words were right, motions were right and she could see how much he *wanted* to believe it. How much he wanted her to believe it. He could ignore the small voice that contradicted him, Simon could push it aside and focus on her , hold her close and be the brother he'd always been.

It didn't mean he wasn't lying though; talking over something that screamed at River, demanded attention and that sometimes pushed Simon's words aside to taunt her. It wasn't always loud enough, sometimes she could ignore it to, could enjoy the warmth of Simon's words and the feel of him holding her but those times had become fewer and fewer.

She hated the lying, to hear truths he didn't, couldn't and wouldn't say because he was *Simon*. Brother, friend, healer…. Simon was always there for her, always had been there for her, but sometimes it was easier to see the true uncertainty that the others held. To hear them voice their concerns or distaste, rather than attempt to hide them, rather than say one thing whilst the other screamed out in denial.

She could drown it out sometimes, with words and screams, accusations and cusses. But the sound was always there: undercurrent, vibration too low to be heard but still able to cause distress, unease.

It made her feel broken, instead of just bruised.

She shook her head, eyes on the man holding her. She didn't need to hear that now, doesn't need to hear it to know it was tormenting her brother again. New truth, interwoven with a lie. Truth that ate him up inside. *He needs to believe the lie* He tried to hide it, tried to lie again and again, make her not see what screamed out at her. She could've ignored it, let it eat away inside him and scream endlessly at her, but she could stop it. Could take that guilt and make it her own, rather than share it.

"Didn't mean it." She smiled up at him, carefully thinking, forming words before she spoke them. With just those few his attention was on her, and he was holding her closer to him. Simon always did feel better when she was safe, when he had the reassurance of holding her. She couldn't always do this much, it wasn't often her mind was clear enough to, but she could do something now.

She lied.


Looked him in the eyes, trying not the let the horrifying tremor which both thrilled and saddened her , take over. The intense surety that he would, truly would, do anything for her. No matter the consequence. "You said so, but you didn't mean it, wouldn't do it; couldn't hurt, had to heal." She turned in his arms, pressing one finger to his lips to stifle his question, the other on his heart, "Can feel it, locked inside, Simon." 

Simon was always there for her, always taken care of her, protected her. Now it was her turn. She felt him shudder, face pressed to her shoulder, swelling inside of him rising up like a wave to crash over the noise that hurt him, hurt them both, drowning it. Silencing it.

"Wouldn't have let her die, Simon."

She could carry the guilt, keep it locked away inside and lie to Simon. He believed her, had faith her words were true not knowing the lie she constructed. Better that he did. Better that this time, it was River who lied.

 

end