Work Text:
Angry Viewers
by Pirate Turner
"It's Cole's doing," the figure on the screen declared. "It has to be. I don't know how he's still managing to mess with me now that he's dead, but it's him."
"AAARGH!!!" a frustrated roar filled the Manor, its loud rage even shaking the windows. "Leave me alone already!" he cried out in anguish as he yanked up a discarded shoe from the floor and threw it at the offending television.
Two hands snaked out instantly, their fingers pointed at the hurtling shoe. The shoe froze in place before suddenly flying in the opposite direction where it hit the wall and fell harmlessly to the floor. "Easy, Cole! I know how angry you are, but don't kill the TV!"
"Yeah, I'm not buying another one unless they screw up and kill somebody else off! You're allowed to kill the TV and not have to pay for it only if they kill you off, and you've already done that -- twice, might I add!" Brown eyes blazed in warning at the man.
"Neither of you know how I feel!" Cole snapped.
"Do I have to remind you that those morons killed me off too?!" the first woman demanded.
"At least they don't keep bringing you up every episode, Prue!"
"I wish they would! At least, they remember you on a regular basis!" Prue's eyes flashed as she stared at him.
"Yeah, and blame everything in Hell on me!" the enraged ex-Demon nearly bellowed as he returned the eldest Halliwell's stare.
"You should both be thankful that they didn't kill you off sooner! Prue, you were on there for -- what? -- three seasons? And Cole, two? I was on there for one! A whole whopping one season, and they never could get my romance straight! I never ran off on Prue or turned my back to her!"
"At least you didn't try to kill her -- repeatedly!" Cole exclaimed heatedly. He then sighed, the heart-breaking sound not only wrenching all of their hearts but also voicing every one's disappointment.
After a moment, another man spoke up. "At least you both had some time, no matter how short, to be happy with your women. They didn't even put me with the right woman during my season there!" The brunette's lips pulled down into a pout.
"But they didn't kill you off," Cole, Prue, and Andy all argued simultaneously.
"No, they only put him with my woman!" Anger laced the White Lighter's voice.
"Now, sweetheart," Piper spoke up, reassuringly stroking her husband's chest through the fabric of his flannel shirt, "you know I never looked at Dan!"
"I know," Leo admitted, "but that didn't make having to see your alternate make out with him any easier!"
"I know it didn't, love, and I didn't like it any more than you did. If only Paige had been on the show then . . . "
"Are you kidding?" the youngest Halliwell spoke sarcastically. "Look at the way they're doing my character! Talk about total lack of a love life! I hardly ever get a guy on there, and when I do, they're either evil, clay, alternate dimensional, wind up getting married, or there's something else wrong with them! The idiots they have writing the show these days would never think to put me with Dan!" As she said the last, Dan gently squeezed her hand in silent reassurance.
"It wouldn't have mattered even if they had," Andy interjected. "They always screw up our real loves."
"Hey, watch it, buster!" Piper exclaimed heatedly. "Just because they've screwed up the rest of you doesn't mean they have to screw us up!" She paused for a moment as she turned her head and looked up into her love's eyes; in unison, they considered her words and their current televised romance.
With a sigh, Leo spoke softly, "Come to think of it, honey, I think they already have . . . "
"Let's see, I'm supposedly pregnant with a child we're nowhere near ready even thinking about conceiving as long as we're still fighting the good fight, and you've gone so nuts over the baby as to practically forget about its carrier. Yup. I hate it, but I have to agree." Piper sighed, and her head dropped slightly as she announced solemnly, "We're screwed."
"Just be glad you're not as screwed as the rest of us," Phoebe advised. "At least you're both still alive, happy, and in love. You may have killed Leo a couple of times, but you were always under some kind of spell when you did it. I mean, come on, think about the rest of us for a moment here. According to those imbecilitic writers, Andy, Prue, and Cole are dead; Cole tried to kill us Gods only know how many times; I'm still blaming him for crap he would have no way of doing after being killed off; and Dan and Paige never even got a chance at being together."
An angry yowl suddenly rose from the cat that had previously been resting on Prue's laps, and eight surprised faces all turned to look questioningly at the Siamese. The fur on Kit's back was fluffed out to its fullest alert, and none of them had seen him look so angry since the last Warlock he had spotted.
Prue sighed as she ran a gentle hand reassuringly down the upset cat's arched back. "I know, Kit, but we'll never forget about you."
Phoebe shook her head. "Somebody remind me why we watch this show any way," she pleaded.
"Because it's us?" Paige suggested.
"Is it?" Phoebe asked, looking quizzically at her younger sister. "It used to be partially, but the more it goes on, the more the writers screw it up and the less it is us. They've already killed or written off half of us, and the characterization on those of us who remain just keeps getting more screwed up."
"True," Piper admitted, thoughtful lines creasing her forehead.
"Guys, I've already explained this to you all," the White Lighter spoke up. "As much as we hate seeing what they do, we need to be aware of what's happening on the show. The barriers between our worlds are thin, and we never know when something they do might somehow affect us. How many times have they invented some kind of villain on there only to have it really come to life and come against us?"
"And they did give us a heads-up on that whole Witch Hunter thing," Prue admitted though she hated to have to say anything good about the show.
Phoebe's head suddenly snapped up to attention as the commercials faded and the familiar faces returned to the screen. "Sh!" she said just as Leo's mouth had opened to say something more. "It's back on!" Her eyes were already glued, and the others immediately followed her pursuit. They might not like what was happening, but still they could not seem to make themselves stop watching.
The End