SquidgeWorld Archive

Goin' Down
by Rebel Melinda

I hate Adrienne Wesley. There...I've said it. And I don't care what it does to my Karma either.

Adrienne Wesley is an attorney. Cops don't generally like attorneys. Prosecutors want the cops to do their job for them by bringing so much evidence that the prosecutors can cut easy deals and not take their chances in court. And don't even get cops started on defense attorneys!

But Adrienne is different. She's an attorney for the Victims' Advocacy Department. And she's damn good at her job by not only speaking up for the victims but building bridges with the cops to work with the victims. And a couple of times she's bullied a couple of over-zealous prosecutors into backing down.

She's an attorney the cops really like.

Adrienne is also a tall willowy woman who moves with the grace of a ballerina. By that I mean that every part of her body works together to create this illusion of gliding across the floor when she walks. I swear to God it's like watching her move in slow motion.

Adrienne also has these strange eyes. They change color with the weather, the color of the clothes she wears, her emotions, and probably just because she wants them to change! From bright blue to grayish green to hazel with flecks of gold and green and then to a deep emerald green. Could there be anything more enticing to Sentinel eyes?

Plus she has long reddish blonde hair! Yeah! She's a redhead but with enough golden highlights to also be considered a blonde. And we know how susceptible Sentinels are to redheads, don't we?

Oh, yeah. I so hate Adrienne Wesley. A smart woman with a social conscience and overall pleasant demeanor who's a physical knockout in a barely subtle way.

I recognized this competition for Jim three minutes after we first met.

I think I've been in love with Jim Ellison for a long time. But I didn't realize it (or maybe just didn't admit it) until Lila Hobson died. Seeing Jim cradling her dead body with this shattered expression on his face damn near broke my heart...broke it in a way that I wanted to pull him away from her and beat it into his thick skull that I'm the only one for him.

But that would have been insensitive...not to mention just plain tacky. So I waited.

Then Alex, Brad Ventriss, and Veronica Archer happened. I got sick and tired of people `happening' in our lives. So I'd decided to sit down with Jim one evening and clear the air between us.

But that afternoon Adrienne walked into the bullpen and into Jim's life. I've been accused of working fast but Jim had her agreeing to go out to dinner that night somewhere between `Hello, I'm Adrienne Wesley' and `I'm here about Judith Harvey'.

And it's been dinner a couple of nights a week for the past six weeks plus long phone calls three or four times a week. I left the loft to give him privacy for those calls a couple of times but when he was still talking with her when I got back three hours later, I decided to just go to my bedroom and close the door. Jim's always sorry about me hiding out in my room but honestly?...if I didn't I'd probably hit him over the head with something.

And I have to admit that Adrienne has always been nice to me. And not in a fakey way either. Both she and Jim have gone out of their way to include me in some of their dinner dates with Adrienne encouraging me to bring someone. I seriously thought about bringing either Samantha or Cassie knowing that either one would put Jim on edge...but I didn't.

And the whole time Jim sat there smiling like the cat who swallowed the canary as Adrienne and I discussed various social issues all the way from theory to practical application.

But she's done it now. She actually had the nerve to call me and ask for the recipes of Jim's favorites so she can cook him a special birthday dinner. THAT'S WHAT I DO!! I get to cook a special dinner for Jim's birthday! I've done that since the first year I lived with him!

Bitch.

Adrienne Wesley is going down...and she's going down hard.

I'm such a wuss. I gave Adrienne the recipes. I thought about Federal Expressing them to her along with the heart she was cutting out of my chest but the thought of getting dry ice and filling out the necessary forms was just way too depressing.

So I called her back and carefully read them off to her. I even suppressed the urge to tell her to load them up with spices. I don't wanna hurt Jim, after all. And she'd probably rat me out anyway. But after that I decided to go for a long walk. There's gotta be a way to take Adrienne down that doesn't hurt Jim.

Right?

Jim Ellison casually glanced around the loft, disappointed that Blair was absent. Sighing, he grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and walked towards the couch. Just as he sat down, the phone rang.

"Damn," he muttered, reaching for the cordless phone. Picking it up, he spoke, "Ellison."

"Jim! How are you!"

Closing his eyes, Jim inwardly sighed. "Hi, Naomi. I'm fine. How are you? Where are you?" Despite himself, he smiled when Naomi Sandburg laughed.

"I'm so refreshed! New Zealand has such positive vibes! Is Blair there?"

"No, he's out," Jim answered. "He didn't leave a note so I'm not sure how long he'll be out."

"Hmmm...is he okay, Jim? I've had a few disturbing dreams about him."

Not sure he wanted Naomi to actually define the word `disturbing', Jim frowned. "He seems okay, Naomi. Overbooking his time as usual." After a moment, he asked, "What sort of dreams?"

There was silence for a few seconds, then Naomi chuckled. "You're going to laugh. I dreamed I saw Blair as a baby wolf. But then, when I dream about Blair, he's always a young boy. I know that's because I'm his mother and mothers generally don't like thinking of their little boys as grown men but I've never dreamed about him being a baby wolf. But I'd know those eyes anywhere."

At the mention of `baby wolf', Jim had sat upright on the couch. He put his bottle of water on the table, for once not worrying about water stains on the wood. "What else?" he demanded.

"Well...he...the baby wolf was crying, Jim. It broke my heart. He kept looking around as though looking for something or someone." Naomi hesitated, then asked, "Jim? Is anything wrong with Blair?"

"Not that I know of, Naomi, I swear," Jim quickly answered. "Uh...you're a very perceptive woman. What do you think the dream meant?"

"Well...my first thought was that the baby wolf was lonely. But he has you, Jim, and so many friends so that couldn't possibly be the answer." Naomi took a deep breath. "But if you want my honest feeling, I think the baby wolf was crying because he'd lost someone that he loved."

"You mean like someone dying?" Jim asked.

Naomi hesitated. "No. Like someone that he loved was in love with someone else."

Jim leaned back against the back of the couch. "That's...an interesting interpretation."

"It's very painful when you love someone who doesn't love you back in the way you want to be loved." Naomi carefully chose her words. "Even though you want the other person to be happy and will step aside or not mention what you feel for them, your soul cries." After a moment's silence, Naomi continued, "But you say Blair is fine, right?"

"Seems so," Jim absently replied. "But I'll see what I can find out. Do you want me to have him call you?"

"Just tell him I called," Naomi answered. "I'll leave you the number. Don't mention the dream, okay?"

"Sure," Jim agreed. He wrote down the number and hung up.

Naomi replaced the phone on the charger and turned to the man next to her. "I hope I did the right thing. I'll never forgive myself if I've done something to damage their friendship."

Charlie Spring smiled and gently hugged Naomi. "Trust me. You did the right thing."

I'm a bit surprised when I return to the loft to see Jim sitting on the couch, staring through the balcony door glass. For a few seconds, I thought he'd zoned, then he turned his head to look at me.

"Jim? Anything wrong?" I closed the door and automatically hung my jacket on the nearby hook. `And why aren't you talking with Adrienne?' I perversely asked myself.

"I'm not sure," Jim admitted. "You got a little time, Chief?"

Now more than a little surprised, I nodded and quickly walked to join him on the couch. Sitting with my back to the balcony doors, I made myself comfortable. "What is it, man?"

Jim hesitated then took a deep breath. "Remember that we promised to tell the other about any...visions or dreams?"

Now definitely surprised, I nodded. "You had a vision?" I eagerly asked.

"It's a dream I want to discuss," Jim slowly spoke. "There's not much to it, but I think it's important."

"Okay," I nod.

"We know my spirit animal is the black jaguar and yours is a grey wolf, right?"

I nod again, squirming a little as Jim's blue eyes focus on me and nothing else.

"In the dream, there's this baby wolf." Jim held up one hand. "And don't ask how old. I don't know. But it's definitely a very young wolf cub." Jim leaned forward. "And the cub is crying."

"Crying?" I frown and think.

"I think there's something wrong, Chief." Jim leaned forward. "Is there something wrong?"

"Huh?" I looked at Jim in confusion. "Why a baby wolf cub?"

"Maybe because the adult wolf won't...or can't cry," Jim reasonably answered.

I turned sideways on the couch and leaned my left shoulder against the back cushion. "Well, that makes sense," I admit. "But I'm surprised you thought of it." I try to smile. "No offense, man."

"None taken," Jim shrugged. "This sort of stuff doesn't come easily to me. But I am a detective, Chief."

"Hmmm." I absently chewed on a thumbnail. "Okay, if we go with your hypothesis that the baby wolf is crying because the adult wolf can't or won't, we're still left with the question of why the wolf is crying in the first place." I suddenly jumped to my feet. "Naomi! Maybe something's wrong..."

"Easy, Chief. Naomi's fine." Jim reached out and put a hand on my arm, tugging me back down onto the couch.

"How do you know?" I demand.

"She called to see if you're okay," Jim explained. "The dream was hers."

"Hers?" I shake my head in confusion.

"She's had the same dream more than once and was worried if something was wrong with you." Jim glanced at the telephone. "I wrote down her number and told her that you'd call but that I didn't know anything was wrong."

"Why would she dream about me as a baby wolf?" I curiously ask.

"She said she didn't know why the wolf but that she recognized the eyes," Jim smirked.

"Huh. Well, I'll call her and let her know everything's okay."

"Is it?"

I looked back at Jim, trying very hard to control my breathing. "Sure. Nothing's wrong." I felt my stomach twist into knots when Jim also leaned sideways against the back of the couch. I'd seen that look many times in the police interrogation rooms.

"Weren't you the one who said we shouldn't ignore dreams and visions?" Jim casually asked.

"Well, yeah..."

"Then why blow this one off?" Jim asked.

"Look, why would Naomi have a dream about...us?" I question.

Jim pinned me to the couch with one quick look. "Maybe because neither of us would believe it."

"Hmm...interesting theory, Jim." I frown. "I presume Naomi enlightened you with her interpretation of the dream?"

"Her first thought was that something was wrong with you," Jim pointed out. "So be straight with me, Chief. Is there anything wrong? Headaches more than normal? Additional hassles at Rainier? Or the station?"

"Jim! I'm okay! Really!" I leaned forward and put my hand on Jim's knee. "I swear." I sat quietly while Jim used his senses on me. Normally, I got irritated when he did that since it usually meant I was trying to convince him I was fine when I wasn't. This time, I didn't protest. Finally Jim reluctantly nodded, but I knew he'd be watching me carefully for a while. One stray cough would find me sitting in a doctor's office being poked and prodded.

"According to Naomi, the baby wolf was crying in loneliness," Jim quietly continued. "As though he'd lost someone."

I gasped. "Oh, man, maybe she's picking up on some danger to you." I looked over Jim's shoulder at the phone. "I gotta talk to her, man, and see what else she can remember."

"Blair!"

Startled, I looked back at Jim.

"She said she didn't see death or anything like that," Jim explained.

"She wouldn't, man! Naomi doesn't recognize death as...death. She sees it as the soul progressing on its natural journey." I saw Jim blink twice and knew he was repressing the urge to irritably shake his head. Then he took a deep breath and leaned forward.

"Tell me why the baby wolf is crying. Tell me what it is that the adult wolf won't or can't cry about."

"I don't know," I whispered.

Obviously disappointed, Jim got to his feet. "Okay, Sandburg. We'll just...be extra careful." He walked towards the door and reached for his jacket.

Time slowed for me. Deep down, I knew that if Jim walked out the door now, he would be out of my life forever. Oh, not that our friendship would be over or anything like that. But I could see the wall around him start to take shape...a wall that would forever stay between us.

Call it a Shaman's instinct to speak out.

Call it an act of desperation to say the words.

Call it a gambler's last chance throw of the dice on the most important thing of his life.

Call it the last act of Henry V if you want, but I opened my mouth and spoke. "The wolf is crying because I'm losing you." I closed my eyes and covered my face with both hands. There were no words in response, but seconds later I felt Jim sit down on the couch.

"Blair? Look at me." Jim quietly requested.

Slowly I obeyed. I searched his face and sighed in relief when I saw no anger in his expression.

"Define losing me," Jim spoke.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I slowly shook my head in misery.

"Hey, c'mon," Jim smiled. "This is me, Chief."

"That's what makes it so hard," I whispered. I desperately glanced around the room, wildly wishing Simon would call with an emergency...something that would get me out of this mess.

"We can do hard. Remember?"

Jim's voice brought my eyes back to his face, and I took a deep shuddering breath.

"Yeah, we can do hard." I scrubbed my face with both hands and nodded. "I'm in love with you, Jim. But you're in love with Adrienne and you've never shown any interest in men so I know there's no chance for me and I want you to be happy and she seems like someone who would make you happy which you really really deserve and we'd have to tell her about the Sentinel thing but you know I think she'd be cool with it and I'd always be around to help but I wouldn't think of interfering and I'd never make a move on you I swear I wouldn't..."

"Sandburg! For God's sake, take a breath! You're starting to turn blue!" Jim ordered. "And I hate seeing that, okay?!"

I snapped my jaws shut and nodded. "Sure," I murmured.

Jim blew out a deep breath. "Okay, let's take those statements one at a time. Go."

"Uhh..." I frowned in thought. "I'm in love with you, Jim."

Jim smiled and nodded. "Okay. Go on."

"You're in love with Adrienne."

Jim hesitated. "I could be in love with her. She's...we have a lot in common. And she has a level head on her shoulders."

"She called to get recipes for your favorites," I admitted. "She's planning on cooking you dinner for your birthday."

Jim frowned. "But you do that, Chief."

I give him a `duh' look, and he has the grace to blush.

"Things would change, huh?"

"Yeah, Jim. They would."

Jim stared out the balcony doors for a few seconds then looked back at me. "Go on."

"You've never shown any interest in men."

"That you know of." Jim raised a hand when I opened my mouth. "You've only known me for a little over four years, Sandburg."

"So you're saying you have shown an interest in men?" I demand.

Jim shrugged again. "Looked. Thought. Nothing beyond that." When I glanced away, he gently continued. "But I also looked and thought about girls for a long time before I did anything about it."

"Oh." I slowly nodded. That sounded true. Jim was nothing if not spontaneous.

"Go on."

"I know there's no chance for me." I raise my eyes to meet his. "Jim?"

Jim reached out to pat my arm. "I wouldn't say that."

"Don't do this to me," I whisper, getting to my feet.

"Do what? Sit down and calmly talk this over?" Jim also got to his feet. "Would you rather I get angry and shout?"

"Well, you gotta admit that would be more in character," I snarkily muttered.

"Fine!" Jim raised his voice. "I thought we were going to be honest with each other, but I can see that's a selective process on your part! You were actually going to keep your mouth shut...something almost unheard of for a Sandburg!...and let me continue a relationship with Adrienne! Even when you felt she wouldn't be as good for me as you would be! Isn't that abdicating your responsibility as a Guide?"

I'd found myself backing up as Jim stalked me throughout his tirade. But I stopped when hearing his last words and drew myself up to my full height. "Bullshit, Ellison! You know damn well I take my responsibility as your Guide seriously! And you would be happy with Adrienne!"

"As happy as I'd be with you?!" Jim angrily demanded.

I open and close my mouth more than once before looking away. Then I looked back at him. "No. You'd be happier with me."

"So why are we arguing?" Jim asked in a lower tone of voice.

"Because..." I felt my shoulders slump.

"Could you do it, Chief?" Jim softly spoke. "Give up the dating? Give up the variety and settle for one person? Settle for me?"

I close my eyes and think. Think of coming home to Jim...with Jim...arguing over WonderBurger and whose turn it was to do the shopping...arguing over hair clogging the drain and Blessed Protector overdrive. I feel my lips curving into a gentle smile. Then I open my eyes and stare into Jim's blue eyes. "Yes."

Jim took a step closer and stared down at me. "Then what makes you think I can't do the same?"

"We can do hard," I whisper.

"Yeah, we can do hard," Jim agreed.

I happily sighed when Jim pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his waist and gently squeezed.

"Guess I better go and tell Adrienne I've got plans for my birthday," Jim murmured. "And beyond."

"Sorry."

Jim chuckled. "No, you're not."

I closed my eyes and squeezed him harder. "Nope. I'm not."

Adrienne Wesley didn't go down hard. But she went down.

End