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English
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Part 15 of Beyond Meridian
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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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1,436
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1/1
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19
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If Only For A Moment

Summary:

DIARY ENTRY STORY that opens up the opportunity for the story titled “A World of Mirrors” -Written 6.7.01- (and ADAPTED, as was this, on: 5.11.02, for the BEYOND MERIDIAN Series)… Story By: BETHANY S. HEARD.
(A Note of explanation, in this SG1 reality, it is not long since SG1 met with an alternate Kawalsky and Carter similar to those in the televised SG1 episode, “Point of View”…)

Work Text:


       
IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT…
by Bethany

 

  Diary Entry of Dr. Samantha Carter:

I can’t help but think what Major Carter would probably say. I don’t know if Military women keep such luxuries as diaries. I swore I would never write another entry myself, since Jack… But recent events, meeting him, the help of Thor’s people, and (thanks to them) the world, if only for a moment, having been granted its salvation… All of these things have made me think about more than just how to survive. How to help my people survive. And I am beginning to turn this long, arduous corner now, to realise that I deserve some luxuries. Jack would not approve of me giving up this one, my diary, which always used to keep a record of the good times, and the times when even Jack could not help me figure something out. Rare though those times were, (he was always my confidante) they did exist. I still confide in him now, but since it has forcibly become not so easy anymore, I suppose this diary is a more important tool of survival now than ever. That’s what my life consisted of. Times, good and bad, shared with my husband. Now, the ability to share my day (s) with him has been stolen from us both, and my life feels more like an existence, one with a huge gap that can’t be filled. If my Jack O’Neill taught me anything, it was how to enjoy living life. It’s funny. The night of our wedding, he told me that that is what I had taught him. I suppose, in our individual ways, we each brought our own special brand of Joyeux de vivre to one another’s lives. I’ve lost mine. That’s sad. Jack won’t be happy with that. That’s why I have vowed to him that I will try to grab back the precious gift he gave me. I know he has heard me… I know he is with me, wherever I walk. I only wish I could see him, touch him, love him, face to face. The Jack whom I met through the mirror, he was, and yet, he wasn’t, my Jack. Saying hello was as hard as saying goodbye… It tore me apart to see him standing there, and though my intellect, and even my heart, loyal to my Jack, were telling me that he was not my husband, my instinct screamed at me not to listen to everything my other senses yelled at me… I suppose some things, such as magnetism, transcend insignificancies like Quantum Realities. If he had just said anything that may have fostered the illusion, I would have believed him. That made me feel bad, like I was swapping Jack in, but I would not have been strong enough to go along with what I knew. I owe Colonel Jack O’Neill, their Colonel Jack O’Neill, so much, just as I do my Colonel Jack O’Neill… They are different men. They have led different lives, to a point, but they are both Jack. And I owe them both a debt of gratitude, for very different reasons. Just as I owe Thor’s people… They gave my people our world back… Sometimes, I think, and blame myself, why didn’t I discover them before, without the mirror Jack’s assistance… Why didn’t I know, before I watched my husband die? Maybe I could have saved him. Maybe, he would be in my arms right now, so that I wouldn’t be sitting at this computer, afraid more than I am afraid for my life, that I will forget him. NEVER! I know I never will. But the fear is there, all the same. My love will never fade, but my memory might. Jack always said I had a terrible memory! That is, except for what he used to call, and I can hear him saying it to me now, “all that stuff you know…” I will have to prove him wrong. Show him that I can, and do, remember the most important things, the precious moments in my life that I spent with him. But I have, also, to show him that I can carry on without him. I have to. In just a few weeks, I will bring into this world another reason to build a life for myself, now that my husband has gone, although I won’t be building that life only for myself, but for our son, too. And for Jack, so that he can rest, knowing that his wife has adjusted well enough to take good care of his son. If I had known of the baby’s life I hold within me, back when I went through the mirror, I wouldn’t have been, somewhere not so deep inside, perhaps hoping that my life would be over from the effects of meeting one of my many counterparts, as it nearly was. Now, I know Jack was with me. Even then, he had found the power from his love for me, to step through that mirror – with me every step of the way, as usual! He lost one son in his lifetime, and his first wife… Through his love for myself and our child, and his determination never to let that part of his history repeat itself ever again, I believe he gave me the strength to survive what nearly killed me, and (now I find) our child, that day. Perhaps, through his very death, he was awarded the ability to save the life of his son, this time. If Jack had been there in person, I do not know if he would have been able to do anything to save us. I have to try and make some sense of losing him. I just don’t know if that is the right thing to do. I don’t want to drive myself insane. It will only harm our son. Whether that part is true, or the crazy ramblings of a grieving wife, I know he gave me a reason to live. He gave me our son, and the strength to know that I can make a good job of our lives together. Jack was, and always will be, my strength. The kind of love that gives that strength does not diminish with death. His stubborness and loyalty are what I will always continue to love most about him. With everything else that wrapped up into this man to make me love him, they combined to make one of this world’s (and another’s) most exceptional men. In a funny way, meeting the other Jack taught me that I could live without my Jack. It was like my husband (though I know he isn’t) stood in front of me, if only for a moment, just to tell me that I can get by… “Sure, Sam. You’ll have bad days. I did, when I lost my boy,” (That’s what my Jack always used to call his son)… As if mentioning his name would bring him excruciating pain, which, even with the happiest memories of the little boy, I know it did… “but I am with him now. Now, up there, you’ll have the privilege of two O’Neills standing guard over you!”… That’s what I can hear him saying. Maybe, I have three. Soon, I’ll have a fourth, and it will be my job to stand guard this time. I won’t lose another O’Neill. I couldn’t stand guard that time, and the pain almost killed me… As I sat crying, in that alternate SGC, with the alternate Jack, I can remember him awkwardly asking if I was (my) Jack’s first wife… He waited for a while, I answered, and he said that his Sara and he had had a son. I knew, with that so recognisable tone of voice, that the terrible thing had happened here, too, and he looked at me for a long time, before simply saying ‘I was kinda hoping my kid would be ok’… I didn’t know what to say or do. I never quite did, even for my Jack… It’s not like I could hold this Jack tight, or simply give him some space. I hope the one through the mirror is still out there, somewhere. I wish him well, and that he finds for himself, the love I found in ‘him’, with whomever that may be… I know we come from different worlds, but if even the tiniest bit of the chemistry that existed between my Jack and I, exists for him and his Sam, Major Carter, I think I know with whom that love will be found.

       
 THE END

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