Work Text:
Falling
by Silk
Going away on holiday in the middle of the fucking tour wasn't something I planned.
I didn't do it to thwart Mandy...or even Jerry. Although, come to think of it, that *was* a rather pleasant side effect.
I simply couldn't resist the thought of keeping you all to myself.
I didn't want to share you...or whatever this was between us. I didn't know if it was love. I didn't care. But I knew I didn't want to let go of it. Or you.
I didn't dare call it love. I'd thought I was in love with Mandy. But that didn't last. Love was something that died when the initial passion faded.
What I felt was...bigger. So of course, it scared the hell out of me.
*****
We checked into a decent hotel at the seaside. "You're from Michigan. You'll like this, Curt. Our room has a view of the water."
You looked vaguely horrified. "I get seasick just being at the beach, Brian."
"But I thought you'd enjoy--"
You grasped my hand and brought it to your lips. "I enjoy being with *you*. I don't care where we are."
I allowed you to pull me close, and I kissed the palm of your hand before laying my head on your shoulder. "So...all this romantic atmosphere is wasted?"
"I wouldn't say *that*."
I rubbed my cheek against your shoulder, my eyes closing as your breath ruffled my hair. "Well...it's not as if we're here to...sightsee."
"Why are we here, Brian?"
The seriousness of your tone took me a little bit by surprise. But it shouldn't have. I knew how you felt. I knew that, on some level, you probably thought I was playing some kind of game with you. But I wasn't.
I raised my head till your eyes met mine. Words eluded me when I needed them most. But I managed to stroke a shaky finger along the side of your face. You leaned into my caress, and I whispered, "Beautiful."
Your eyes widened. "What?"
"You're beautiful."
"Me?"
I nodded. My fingertips were rough, calloused from years of guitar playing, but you seemed to like the feel of my hands on your skin.
"I'm n-not." Your hair fell forward to cover your expressive eyes, and I instinctively pushed the heavy strands away from your face. "Yes, you are."
I palmed your cheeks and kissed you. You shook your head as if to clear it. Did you really not believe me? Did you really have no idea how beautiful you were? Suddenly I resented everyone you'd ever been with. All those who came before me and used you. So brutally.
Maybe I hadn't given you a reason to trust me yet. But I discovered that I wanted that, almost more than your love. When you stared at me so intently, I wondered what you saw in *my* eyes. Did you see that I was different from the others? Did you see what I refused to see myself?
Just because it had no name, this thing between us, that didn't mean that it wasn't real. It was. Defiantly so. In spite of you. In spite of me.
"I want to make love to you."
You shivered within my arms and buried your head against my neck. "You make me want too much," you whispered.
"What if I said...you could have...whatever you asked for?"
"You don't mean that," you murmured. But I could hear the wistfulness in your voice. You were afraid to ask for anything. For fear of being turned away. That was why you demanded so little.
"Curt..."
"Please..." Please what? Please don't hurt me? Please don't love me? Or were the two things the same in your head?
"Curt...whatever you say to me...it stays here in this room. Between us."
I felt your body jerk against mine and for a moment, I wondered if you were crying. Then you raised your head and I fell into those kohl-smudged gray eyes. "Could you...pretend that you love me?"
"No."
You drew back instantly, your body couched in abject apology. You closed your eyes and I caught you in my arms before you could escape. "Ask me why, Curt. Ask me why I can't pretend to love you."
You shook your head again. I kissed your eyelids, one by one, and I wasn't surprised to find that they were wet. "I don't have to pretend, Curt. I do love you."
"Don't--"
"Don't say it? Or don't mean it?"
You opened those tear-filled eyes and stared at me. A tear clung to your spiky black eyelashes and I gently touched my thumb to it. Without taking my eyes off you, I licked the tip of my finger and wished that I could heal all your wounds as easily.
"You really love me?"
Oh, God, I could hear plaintive echoes of the child you must have been, and I knew that to take a wrong step then would have meant the end of everything. I leaned forward and brushed my lips against yours, so lightly that you couldn't mistake how I felt. "Yes," I breathed, nuzzling your cheek.
Something dark and indefinable came to life in your eyes, and you kissed me roughly and almost completely without finesse. I found your mouth and kissed you back, much the same way you kissed me. We kissed again and again, desperate to connect, even more desperate to stay that way. Your hands wound through my hair, your grip painfully tight, but I made no move to get away.
This was where I wanted to be. This was the key I'd been unwittingly searching for. The one that unlocked your secrets. The one that gave me your heart...along with everything else.
*****
I unsnapped your jeans and slid my hand inside. You froze, your breathing ragged and loud in the sudden quiet that fell over the room.
"Curt? Don't you want this?"
You arched against my hand in answer, and I could feel your cock throb warningly. "Close...so close..." you said breathlessly.
I ran my other hand down your spine to the swell of your arse and you stood on your toes, straining to bring our bodies even closer together. I rubbed my thumb back and forth in the slit of your cock till it was slick enough for me to probe your opening. You threw your head back, your eyes involuntarily sliding shut, and I sank my teeth into your neck. But it wasn't till I whispered, "I love you," that you came all over my hand.
You groaned and tensed in my arms. Your eyes fluttered open, suddenly more green than gray, and I couldn't resist kissing you one more time.
"Haven't come in my pants like that since I was a kid," you muttered hoarsely.
"Me neither."
You pressed the heel of your hand to my groin and managed a faint smile. "Looks like we both could use a shower."
I brought my sticky hand to my mouth and licked it slowly. "But I like the way you taste."
You studied me for a long moment, your eyes growing progressively hotter. "Ummm..."
"Exactly."
*****
Somehow we found the bedroom. The suite wasn't large enough to get lost in, but we couldn't seem to keep our hands off each other, which made simple tasks like walking difficult.
I undressed you quickly and admired the way you stood there naked, not the least bit self-conscious. It was a little harder for me to undress. The minute that I took off my shirt, you twined yourself gracefully around me, all arms and legs and silken heat.
"Curt..."
"Hurry..."
"I'm not ready yet--"
"I am."
"But--" I gazed at you in confusion. "What do you want?"
"Fuck me."
I knew where you came from emotionally. I knew how you felt about giving up that kind of control. "Why?" I couldn't hurt you. Not even if you begged me to. But I prayed that wasn't what you were asking.
You wrapped your arms around my neck and kissed me. "I love you."
"You don't have to--"
"I want to. I love you." When you repeated that declaration, you smiled, and for the first time since I'd met you, I could see peace in your often-troubled eyes.
You trusted me with your heart...how could you not trust me with your body? My eyes filled with unshed tears. I no longer doubted what my heart had been trying to tell me for months.
I truly loved you. And when I took you...it was always with love.
*****
You lay on your back looking up at me. I attempted to roll you onto your stomach, certain that it would be less uncomfortable for you the first time. But you protested. "I want to see your face."
"But--"
"I need to."
You said that quietly, but I immediately grasped the significance. The rumors about your older brother abusing you weren't rumors.
"Curt, I don't want to hurt you--"
"You won't." You gently brushed your lips against mine. "You love me."
Of all the times for you to finally have faith in our love. It shouldn't have hurt. At the time, it didn't. But it does now.
I made you believe. Made myself believe.
Only to end up alone.
*****
I prepared you with loving hands and slid into your body without the slightest bit of resistance. I buried my face in your hair when I came...and you held me tenderly inside you after you joined me.
"Curt..."
"Brian..."
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"Promise me you'll always remember us this way."
"Always."
I wonder if you kept your promise.
I did.
End