SquidgeWorld Archive

"TRY BEFORE YOU BUY"
A "Farscape" story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL

It had been such a nice little day. Apart from the bickering between D'Argo and Chiana, Rygel farting in the transport pod down to the commerce planet and Aeryn playing the Ice Queen. *Again*. Man, did that ever get nauseating. He had no idea what had pissed her off this time. Knowing Aeryn it could be absolutely anything or nothing at all. Still. Planetfall always cheered him up. A new neighbourhood, more strange and exotic creatures and weird foods to explore. He breathed the rather sharp bitter air and frowned. He looked at Zhaan. The sanest one in this galaxy of misfits and she was a self confessed murderer. Oh boy. This was nothing like E.T.

"Hey, Zhaan, what's with the air down here?"

She seemed distracted.

"Zhaan?"

Her calm blue eyes looked at him. Slowly focused on him. "Yes, John?"

"The air, Zhaan. It has this strange tang to it..."

Enlightenment blossomed on her face. The others ignored Crichton. Were drifting off. D'Argo had got annoyed with Chiana and stomped off after Aeryn. Chiana took the opportunity to sneak off on her own. Rygel tried to catch up in his thronesled only to give up and come back to where he and Zhaan stood not a dozen dench from the transport pod. Rygel sulked, annoyed that the others had gone off without him. Even more annoyed that Zhaan and Crichton seemed to be on their own little planet and it did not have room for him. He cleared his throat. They ignored him. Zhaan touched Crichton's arm. "Do not worry John, it will not harm you."

"Yeah but what is it?"

Annoyed, Rygel interrupted. "A breathable atmosphere, you yotz! What are you doing hanging about here when there are negotiations to manage?"

Crichton looked at him. "You're right, fluffy. And who's the best negotiator in all of the Uncharted Territories?"

Rygel visibly began to puff up with self importance at the anticipated compliment.

"So why don't you go and negotiate?"

The Hynerian blinked. Grumbled a few Hynerian obscenities under his breath and zoomed off after the others. Zhaan tilted her gentle face towards Crichton. "That was cruel, John."

"No, Zhaan, that was frustration."

She raised her head. "Frustration?"

"Yeah. How can anyone so small be such a pain in the eema?"

She laughed. A bright merry sound and took his arm in hers. They walked in companionable silence, enjoying the sights and sounds of a world that seemed to be permanently dipped in purple hues shot through with a kind of reddy-orange. It was like someone had designed a sunset that could last all day and decided to paint everything with the same frelling colours. Odd. Almost hypnotic. Definitely soothing. They got to the market place and Zhaan excused herself having spotted a whole forest of herbs laid out around the frontage of a shop. Crichton smiled and was just wandering along not paying much attention to where he was going when something hit him and almost knocked him off his feet. He grunted and turned to see Chiana's eyes wide with fear. Before he could ask her what the hezmana was wrong an enormous brute of a man came running towards them, his hands out to grab the Nebari from Crichton. From the look on his face the alien appeared to have murder in mind.

Chiana clung to him terrified, tears of fear rolling down her chalk white face. Instinctively he shoved her behind him and pushed the alien back with both hands, his expression so fierce as he yelled that for a microt the whole market place came to a stunned silence. The creature dwarfed Crichton by at least a couple of feet. His eyes flashed in a fairly humaniod expression of rage. The look in his eyes was totally alien and very *very* angry. "Stand aside, Peace Keeper. She is MINE!"

Crichton did not need to hear anything else. He drew Wynona before the creature had finished enunciating the last word. The creature made a sound that could have been laughter and lifted Crichton bodily off the ground and threw him. As he lost contact with the ground all the interrupted sounds resumed and he felt his stomach lurch. He landed painfully, the wind knocked out of him. Bouncing off sharp objects until his shoulder rammed up against the wall of a building in shadow and something cracked. He was on the edge of the market place. Hold on. That place was *huge* which meant the brute had thrown him several dozen metras at least! He lay there insensate for several microts, drifting in and out of consciousness. All his aches and pains joining hands in a dance that had him throwing up in time to the crazy throbbing in his head. That was where Chiana found him. Face so grey he almost looked like family. She dragged him out of the mess and somehow got him to a sleazy boarding house. Cheapest joint in town but it was private and the room had a sink with running water. Anxious and upset she got a cloth and began cleaning him up, stripping the stinking clothes off him as she washed him in cold water. He stank of vomit but anyone who had travelled any distance with Rygel would be used to that. He passed out before she finished.

Chiana wanted to cry. She would never willingly do anything to hurt Crichton. The human was her friend. Would be more if he let her. But he was a gentleman and she was not exactly a lady. There had to be *some* room for manouevre there. Her anxious hands checked him all over, needing to reassure herself he was going to be okay. Battered and bloody the bruises were already starting to come out and unless she was much mistaken he had several broken ribs. On the positive side he was not about to die. He roused in pain to her busy fingers checking him over. Flinching at her light touch. He tried to tell her he was okay, not to worry. It bothered him that she would not stop crying and she would not take his word for anything. Like he could stop her checking him over with all the air knocked out of him and feeling as if someone had stuck a zoo full of elephants on his chest. He fixed her with a patient eye. "What the hezmot was that about, Chi? And don't even *think* of lying to me or I'm outta here."

Like that was a threat. He could not even stand without passing out and they both knew it. She tilted her head at him, a smile of affection on her face not quite hiding the worry. He felt his heart soften. What was he going to do with her?

"You know that was a brave thing you did back there, old man."

He grunted. Felt like he was running a marathon just with the effort of breathing in and out. "Suicidal you mean."

Her eyes were laughing at him now. Looked kind of odd through the glitter of tears. "Hey, I never said it was very smart. But, you know, a girl likes to know people care."

"You didn't answer my question, Pip. What did you do this time?"

"Who says I did anything?"

He sighed and closed his eyes a microt. It was all such an effort. He was in no shape for this. Chiana had a towel and gently began to pat him dry. Pausing whenever his breath hitched at a particularly sore spot. She bit her lip. Contrite but unable to stop herself enjoying the view. He passed out again. She looked at him and decided it was best to let him sleep. Covering him with a blanket she turned to the not so pleasant job of washing out his clothes. She sighed. Knowing she was going to catch it big time when the others found out. She considered calling up to let the others know then decided against it. No one would look for them for at least a few arns. If she could patch him up between then and now all well and good. Besides she did not want to step out into the street and bump into that guy again. She finished washing the clothes and draped them over some hot pipes to dry.

Chiana sat next to Crichton and watched him sleep. A hand tracing the contours of his face. She smiled as he mumbled in his sleep. If she was honest with herself she was more than a little in love with John Crichton. They both knew it but pretended otherwise. Crichton to save her feelings, Chiana because it hurt to know he loved Aeryn. Both knew if that situation ever changed she would be his like a shot. Not that it was ever likely to happen but a girl could hope. He stirred and opened his eyes. They were not completely in focus but he recognised her. "Hey, Chi. What hit me?"

"Everything."

He absorbed that in a distracted manner. "Oh." He paused for a few microts, trying to get his brain to work but everything was pretty mushy. "Um, I thought we were supposed to be shopping?"

She grinned at him. "Yeah, but I want wasn't on the stalls."

He rolled his eyes knowing what she was alluding to. He was *not* going to go there. "Pip, just tell me what the gorilla wanted with you."

"Gorrilla?"

"Yeah, the man mountain chasing you."

She angled her head in an almost defensive manner. "He wanted to mate, you know? I didn't."

"You didn't.... promise him something?"

"Hey, if I wanted to be insulted I would have gone with Aeryn."

She winced. That had been the wrong thing to say. "Where is Aeryn?"

"She went off with D'Argo. Probably looking for a weapon of mass destruction that will fit in her pocket."

His eyes became steady on her face. "You don't like Aeryn much do you Chiana?" He asked softly.

He rarely called her Chiana, usually using his pet name for her. It made her feel like she was being brought to account for something. She was not sure what. "Aeryn's okay, she just frightens me at times."

He gave her a conspirational wink. "She frightens me too, Pip. Just don't let on, okay?"

Chiana grinned back at him. Could see he was struggling to stay awake. "Hey, old man. You need to sleep."

"Can't. The others will be worried."

"Not for several arns they won't."

He took a truncated breath, little staccato inhalations trying to sneak air in passed his bruised ribs and through a damaged diaphram. Chiana got the cloth and wrung it out under the tap, the cool cloth like Heaven on his hot and clammy forehead. It helped to keep him from feeling sick. The nausea slowly passing, his eyes heavy. Chiana was saying something to him, stroking his brow gently. Probably apologising. He could not tell. He lost consciousness. When he woke again he had difficulty moving. A soft groan brought the brush of silk and a cool hand to his forehead. Blue. "Zhaan?"

The sky broke into a rainbow as she smiled. "It is good to see you awake, John."

"What happened?"

"I was hoping you could tell me."

Memories came back. "Where's Pip?"

"I sent her to go and get some sleep. She hasn't left your bedside since you got back."

"Back?"

"To Moya."

He absorbed that. "How long have I been back?"

"Four solar days."

"What? I've been unconscious for four days?"

Zhaan nodded. "We were all worried about you."

"It's just a few cracked ribs, Zhaan. I'll mend."

She smiled gently down at him. "Not just cracked ribs, John. You took a nasty crack on the head. I wasn't sure if you'd remember anything when you woke up."

"Zhaan, I don't have amnesia okay? Besides, how could anyone forget you guys?" He paused a microt then became serious. "How's Pip?"

The Delvian frowned slightly. "Chiana is unhurt, John."

"That's not what I meant Zhaan. I know she'll be blaming herself."

"Yes. She is."

"I want to talk to her."

"First tell me what happened."

"We had just got down to the planet, everyone was wandering off leaving me and Chiana and Rygel. Rygle went to do the negotiating and me and Chiana were going to take a look around then this big monster of a guy came chasing Chiana. She was terrified, Zhaan. I don't just mean afraid, she was petrified. I've never seen her that frightened before."

"Why was he chasing her?"

He frowned, trying to remember what she had said to him. "Didn't Chiana tell you?"

Zhaan shook her head. "She wouldn't talk to anyone. All she keeps saying is it's her fault you got hurt."

He sighed.

"John. Aeryn said for me to call her the microt you woke up."

"Do me a favour Zhaan, let me see Pip first. I can imagine the rough ride she's had since we got back."

She smiled down at him. He was always amazing her. His concern for them all, his capacity for love and forgiveness. She nodded. "Very well, John. I hope she realises how lucky she is to have a friend like you."

"Don't be so hard on her Zhaan, she's been a good friend to me too."

Zhaan did not answer but commed Pilot. "Pilot? Could you ask Chiana to come to the apothecary please?"

His worried voice floated back to her. "Is something wrong, Zhaan?"

"No, Pilot. There is nothing wrong. John is awake now and asking to see her."

"Moya and I are happy to hear that Zhaan. I will let the others know."

"Pilot?"

"Yes, Zhaan?"

"Can you delay telling the others until John is ready?"

A pause. "Of course, Zhaan."

Crichton was watching the Delvian P'au's face closely. "That was nicely done, Zhaan."

Just then the door opened and Chiana rushed in. Her steps halted a little short of Crichton's bed, suddenly uncertain. Zhaan beamed at her then at Crichton. "Call me when you have finished and I will have Pilot tell the others that you are awake."

"Thanks, Zhaan."

He watched her leave, looked at Chiana's still face. Her eyes down-turned, her shoulders slumped, her whole demeanour one of shame. She looked so sad, so awkard it pained him. "Pip?"

She lifted her head and he was sad to see tears in her eyes. It made him want to cry. He opened his arms and gave her a gentle smile. "C'mon Pip, give an old man a hug. But be gentle, okay?"

She smiled and hugged him gently, crying openly on his shoulder as he comforted her. "It's all my fault."

"Sssh, Pip. It's over. Nobody died."

They were silent for a while, until Chiana was all cried out and her heart had lightened considerably. She pulled away so she could look at his face. Assure herself he was alright.

"Pip, what really happened back there?"

She paused. He waited. All the time in the frelling world. She looked sideways at him. "I saw this numlax on one of the stalls."

"A what?"

"A numlax." She realised he did not know what it was and a grin twitched her lips. "It's a sexual aid."

He almost choked. "Chiana!"

She laughed at the shock in his voice. "Hey! Be nice to me and I'll show you how it works."

He chuckled. "Let me guess, the guy chasing you was offered a preview?"

"A preview?"

"You know, try before you buy?"

She laughed. He looked curious. "What does it do?"

She leaned down and whispered in his ear. His eyes widened like saucers. "Hezmana, Chiana! Are you intending to use that thing on D'Argo?"

Chiana gave him a speculative look. "I saw you naked, remember. And from what I remember it's about *your* size."

"Pip, don't even go there. I do *not* want to die for real and that is exactly what will happen to me if Aeryn finds out."

The Nebari collapsed into a fit of giggles and Crichton chuckled along with her, pausing every now and then to hold his aching ribs. God he hurt all over. Just then Aeryn, D'Argo, Rygel and Zhaan walked in. The two conspirators looked at each other and laughed. The others exchanged blank looks. D'Argo frowned and looked at Aeryn. "That is it. That is the *last* time we let those two go down to a commerce planet together!"

Rygel looked curious. "What *did* happen down there?"

"Some guy thought he could hit on Chiana. She said no, he wouldn't take no for an answer so she tried to run away. I tried to stop him. He made D'Argo look like a midget."

"What is a midget?" Asked the Dominar with a little frown.

"Oh, it's a really short person. Someone about a dench taller than you are."

The others laughed, Rygel looked annoyed. "That is *not* funny, Crichton."

After everybody had gone, Crichton looked at Chiana. "Where is it now?"

"I'm wearing it."

He looked as if he was about to pass out in shock. "You're what?" He paused a microt, his brain racing. "Are you telling me you ran away from that gorilla while you were still wearing his merchandise?"

She grinned mischievously. "Yeah. It gave me quite a rush too I can tell you. I haven't had so many orgasms in one arn in my whole life!"

Crichton was helpless with laughter. Tears rolling down his face with the pain of cracked ribs protesting. "Oh Pip, you are priceless!"

She enjoyed his reaction. "Well you know what they say, you have to try before you buy."

"No wonder the trader was mad at you Pip."

She sidled up close to him and a thought occurred to him. Prompted by something in her eyes. "Hey, Chi, you're not wearing it now are you?"

She laughed and gave him a wicked grin. "What do you think?"

The sounds of their laughter rang down Moya's corridors. The others exchanged baffled looks. That settled it. They were *never* letting those two go off on their own again...

END