Work Text:
Title: So What?
Author: Elizabeth Wilde
Rating: PG
Summary: A Star Trek/Xena crossover. No, really.
Disclaimer: I own no one.
Distribution: www.biteyourtongue.net/wilde, anyone who asks nice, anyone who
already archives my fic
Completed:
Q stood on apparently nothing in the blackness of space, gazing at the
Enterprise. Somehow taunting Picard just didn't sound like fun. Q was bored. He
sighed, the simple act of exhaling (a completely unnecessary theatrical touch)
crossing star-systems,
eventually reaching a planet that was instantly knocked off course, ultimately
causing it to become a frozen wasteland. But Q
didn't notice. What's one little planet when you're omnipotent?
I know! he thought, suddenly cheering. I'll go back into Earth's past and play
with some real primatives. But not too
primative . . . I want them to know I'm toying with them. For a couple of
nanoseconds, he casually perused Earth's puny
history. Perfect! he said. An ancient warrior! By the Continuum, this should be
fun! I'll "play God" for the little mortal
savage. With that thought singing in his mind, Q disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"C'mon, Xena, give me a hint," Gabrielle pleaded with the tall warrior beside
her. "Yours are always too hard!"
"Don't ask to play 20 questions anymore, then," the Warrior Princess replied.
"It wasn't my idea."
"But just a hint?"
"No. You have to guess."
The bard sighed and brushed some dust from her short red skirt. "I give up. You
knew I'd have to. I already used most of my
guesses anyway."
"It was-" Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light on the road ahead of
them. Argo whinnied irritably and the women
shielded their eyes. "What in Tartarus?" When Xena's eyes recovered, she saw a
man of average height with curly brown hair
who looked over-all very unimpressive blocking their path.
Gabrielle looked to Xena. "One of the gods?"
"I don't think so . . ."
The man bowed. "My name is Q."
Xena arched a dark eyebrow. "Uh-huh. Should that mean something to me?"
"Not yet."
"Good. Then get out of the way. We'd like to get where we're going before dark."
"Aren't you even the least bit curious how I got here?"
"Not really. C'mon, Gabrielle." Xena trudged forward until she was only inches
away from Q. "Move. Now."
"You can't order me around. I am a god, an omnipotent being from the future."
"Great," the warrior replied sarcastically. "Now move."
"I think not. In fact-"
Before he could continue, Xena grabbed his arm and flipped him onto his back,
then walked down the road as though nothing
had occurred. Gabrielle laughed. "I guess even gods have off days," she
commented.
Q was furious. "STOP!" he bellowed, the sound seeming to come from everwhere and
nowhere at the same time. Xena slowly
halted and turned to face the enraged being. "You don't believe me. Fine. I
guess I'll just have to prove it."
Xena and Gabrielle disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xena and Gabrielle appeared in a strange room. When the warrior looked out the
window, all she could see were stars, more
brilliant than any she'd seen before . . . and none of the constallations were
familiar. On their left, she and Gabrielle saw a long
conference table. At the head of the table was a distinguished bald man in a red
uniform. Beside him sat another man with dark
hair and a beard and mustache, a curvaceous woman with long raven hair and
chocolate-brown eyes, and a . . . creature of
some kind with a misshapen face. Opposite them were an extremely pale man with
yellow eyes, a dark-skinned man with some
sort of appliance covering his eyes, and a fiery-haired woman in blue. "What is
this place?" Xena asked.
"This is the starship Enterprise," the bald man began. "I am Captain Jean-Luc
Picard of the United Federation of Planets.
Who-"
"Starship?"
"Yes. You are unfamiliar with the term?"
Xena nodded, sizing up how much she could trust the captain. "Yes. What
precisely is it?"
The man with the beard whispered something urgent to Captain Picard. "Agreed. My
first officer, Commander Riker, feels-and
I agree-that it wouldn't be wise to attempt to explain the mechanics of a
starship to you before your culture acquired the
knowledge on its own. We of the Federation must adhere to the Prime Directive,
which prohibits us from interfering in other
cultures."
"Uh-huh."
Gabrielle tugged on Xena's sleeve. "Xena, forget where we are, what about when
we are?"
"Captain?" Xena raised an eyebrow.
"You are in the 24th century."
"Cute. When I get my hands on the creature that sent us here, I'm gonna-"
"Pardon me," Captain Picard broke in, "but who-or what-sent you here?"
"Something called a . . . Q?"
The captain looked furious. "Q?"
"Yes. He was blocking our way. I . . . moved him, and he got a little bit upset.
Then we were here."
The man rose and glanced wildly around the room. "Damn it, Q, show yourself!"
The entity known as Q appeared beside Xena and Gabrielle. "Happy now, mon
capitane?"
"No, Q, I am far from happy. These young women are presumably from Earth's
past?"
"Precisely! How historically correct of you!"
"Send them back!"
"Oh, alright."
Xena and Gabrielle disappeared again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xena snapped to attention the second they materialized back on the path. She
refused to be caught unaware a second time.
"Are you alright, Gabrielle?"
"Y-yes. I think so," the bard replied, checking herself over.
"Of course you're all right!" Q crowed. "Would I let anything happen to my new
favorite hobby?" He grinned and spread his
arms to indicate Xena and Gabrielle as the "new hobby".
"I'm nobody's hobby," the warrior growled in a menacing tone.
The being seemed delighted. "You remind me so of Worf! Wouldn't old Microbrain
just fall in love with you! Perhaps, I could
bring him here, and . . . No, better wait. Besides, I'm not ready to share you
two yet."
"I don't particularly care what you want to do. We are going to visit
Gabrielle's family. You are not invited."
"Invited?" Q laughed as though it were a grand joke. "As if I would have to be
invited! Come now, little girl, where do your
parents live?"
Gabrielle bristled. "I'm not a little girl!"
"Of course not. You must forgive me, but when you get to be as old as I am, most
everyone seems a tad on the young side."
He pursed his lips and drew his eyebrows together. "Still, you are young, even
for your species."
Xena laid a restraining hand on Gabrielle's shoulder to keep the bard from doing
anything rash. "He's not worth it, Gabrielle. I
don't think it would do any good anyway, or I would have killed him myself."
"Oh, lovely. Now then, let's get to her parents' hut or whatever, shall we?"
Neither of the mortals moved. "Must you always be
this unpleasant? Perhaps if you had travelling companions more to your liking?"
He smiled. "I see just who you thought of little
girl. Same goes for you, Xena."
Out of nowhere, Hercules and Iolaus appeared. The blond man smiled hesitantly.
"Uh, hi, Gabrielle. Xena. Uh . . . what
happened?"
Despite the smile she felt coming on at seeing Hercules and Iolaus again, Xena
frowned. "You don't want to know."
Iolaus nodded slowly, then glanced at Herc. "Okay. Don't ask, don't tell. Got
it." He stepped toward Gabrielle. "It's nice to see
you anyway."
Forgetting their situation for a moment, the bard threw her arms around Iolaus.
"It's always good to see you."
"Touching," Q drawled. His eyes shifted to Xena and Hercules. "And what about
you two? Too heroic to be happy?"
Iolaus ran a hand through his unruly blond locks and turned to Xena. "Uh . . . I
know I promised not to ask, but who's he?"
"He says he's a Q."
"Q? Like the letter?"
"Yeah."
"Oh-kay. Uh, nice to meet you?"
Q smiled in delight. "How quaint! Now, Xena, I still want that tour of your
little mountain dwelling or whatever it is you people
use in place of homes."
"Fat chance," the warrior replied with a sneer. "I have no intention of letting
you anywhere near my family."
"Oh, don't worry about them. I could bring them here right now if that's what
your problem is. Are you going to show me or
what?"
Gabrielle laid her hand on Xena's arm and whispered, "He's going anyway. We may
as well play along. This . . . whatever he is
doesn't seem to have much of an attention span. He'll get bored and leave us
alone eventually. Right?"
"Fine." She raised her voice. "Okay, Q, let's go."
Not knowing what else to do, Hercules and Iolaus followed as well. "And I
thought you were the one with wierd friends,"
Iolaus muttered under his breath.