Chapter Text
The Adventures Of Joxer The Mighty & Iolae
by Adalisa
marioz@spin.com.mx
http://members.tripod.com/luxshine/
Part 1 - The Road.
Iolaus walked inside Sparta with a smile. After convincing Aphrodite that he really didn't need any fashion advises, he had picked up his old purple shirt, which covered her breasts perfectly, to wear under his vest. Apart from that, he still was dressed like always, carrying his sword, bow and arrows as he had always done.
Now, he had to find Joxer.
With a strong step, he walked towards the tavern, dodged a couple of too insistent hands, and went to talk to the innkeeper. The hunter was not that familiar with Joxer's ways, so he really
didn't had any clue of where to start looking.
"Excuse me... I'm looking for a man..." He began, trying to keep his voice as even as possible, knowing fully well the kind of idea that that words could give to the wrong persons. "He's about..
two or three heads taller than me and..."
"If you're looking for a man... you've found one." A huge, scarred warrior walked towards her, with a lust filled gaze. Iolaus didn't even turned around to see the warrior with more attention. The type was quite known to him, and he really didn't want to loose time. However, the warrior didn't seem to like that, and grabbed her shoulder with violence. "I'm talking to you, bitch!!"
"Let me go." Iolaus was pretty proud of her impression of Xena, however the warrior wasn't even slightly impressed.
"You and I can have fun, I can pay your price..." The warrior said again, and his vile breath made Iolaus' frown.
"I.SAID.LET.ME.GO!" Iolaus' patience was not that much, and he proceeded to punch the warrior's face with her elbow, at the same time that he used her leg to punch out the chair where the warrior was sitting. But just as the big man fell, his friends decided to join to the fray, and soon Iolaus found herself in the middle of a fight with four Spartan soldiers.
As more and more warriors joined the fight, Iolaus began to worry...for real. After all, he enjoyed fighting, even if the odds were against him. But even he knew that 20 against one were odds to be avoided.
Suddenly, everything was interrupted by a flash of lighting that announced the entrance of the God of War. Unfortunately for Iolaus, it didn't do much more than slow the fighting.
"Is amazing how I can always find you in the middle of a fight, sweet Iolae. You would be much better under my protection than under Aphrodites." Ares' voice was a silky purr, and Iolaus had to fight a shiver down his spine. As much as he hated to admit it, the God of War was starting to get under her skin.
"I do not need your protection, Ares!" Iolaus yelled, as he kicked two men at his side, grabbing a chair to use it as a weapon. "I can take care of myself!"
"That is not the way to speak to a god, golden huntress." Ares glowered. He had spent a lot of time looking for Iolae, only to find that she had apparently vanished from Greece. When he had found her again, walking right into Sparta, the god had had to use all his will power to avoid appearing in front of her just as he saw her. He really was attempting to do a good impression on the mortal girl, and so far, was failing miserably. Probably because Hercules and his annoying sidekick had been speaking ill of him. "I am offering you..."
"And she's not taking it!!" A drunken warrior laughed, and soon another joined him. In mere seconds, the scream of 'Ares is not _man enough_ for the blonde girl' was all over the tavern, and
not even when Ares blasted the first man with a fireball the yells or the fight were silenced. In fact, it seemed as if they had increased.
Iolaus sighed, wondering how something so simple as looking for Joxer had become an epic battle. Of course, he was used to the fact that every time he entered a tavern, somehow, a fight started... Only that he had hoped that things were different for him as a female.
He jumped at the chandelier, using it as a swing, kicking two more warriors and avoiding another fireball. Just as he let it go, doing a somersault to return to the floor, the door opened again, and Joxer entered, looking as lost as always. And a little bit down, for what Iolaus guessed that he had either been spending time with Xena and Gabrielle, or was going to...
"Joxer!!!" He yelled, once again mimicking Aphrodite's tone. It came very easy to him while on female form, and had found it to be really useful. "I've been looking for you!"
"Iolae!" Seeing her, Joxer's eyes immediately lit up, and he waved at her, smiling.
"JOXER?!" Incredibly, the hapless warrior's name did what the sudden appearance of Ares couldn't.
He stopped the fight.
And everyone turned to see them, as 'Iolae' hugged him, warmly. Even Ares' eyes threatened to leave their sockets out of pure shock.
"_That's_ the man you were looking for?!" One of the fighters asked, and Iolaus couldn't stop himself from smiling wider. If Aprhodite wanted Joxer's ego lifted, he was going to do it in the
only real way he knew.
"Of course! He's a better man than _any_ of you!" With those words, Iolaus snuggled tighter against Joxer, smiling as he felt the other man tense up. "Now if you excuse us..."
As Joxer seemed too confused to move, Iolaus dragged him away from the shocked warriors at the tavern. And of course, he missed the killer glare of the God of War as he disappeared in a
cloud of gray smoke.
* * *
"DISCORD!!!" Ares appeared in his temple, enraged. One thing was that Iolae tried to keep him at distance, and other completely different was to see her rebuffing him for _Joxer_. Joxer was _his_ worshipper, who had no right to be betraying him like that.
"What is it now, oh big bad God of War?" Discord appeared a bored expression on her face. She hated to be called with screams, even more when he was so angry. That was not fun for the goddess of punishment and discord.
"I have a mission for you. One of my followers must be punished." Ares said, his eyes shining with anger.
"So?" Discord didn't seem impressed on the least. "Punish him yourself. I'm busy."
"Eris..." Ares' eyes narrowed, and he grabbed the younger goddess by her neck. "...you _are_ going to punish him, because I say so."
He threw her against the wall, with such strength that if she had been mortal she would have died. She finally stood on her feel, and nodded. "Very well... What did _he_ do?"
The God of War looked at her, sighing. "He's... wooing a woman who is fated to be mine. I want him to be utterly ridiculed."
"For a woman?" Discord laughed, loudly. "You're jealous of a mere mortal?! And who's the great lover who outshines even the glorious god of War? Hercules? His blond nuisance? Autolycus the thief?"
"Jxr..." Ares mumbled, as he waved his hand to show where exactly Joxer and Iolae were. For a second, he thought that Discord was going to die laughing as she realized exactly who Ares wanted to be punished, but strangely, the goddess ' attention was fixed on the huntress.
"Who's that? I think I've seen her somewhere else..."
"She's Iolae of Tirene." Suddenly, an idea came to the god, as he placed his hands on the naked shoulders of Discord. "She's one of Iolaus' cousins... and you know how much it would anger
that annoying hunter if someone of his close family became my lover..."
At this, Discord's smile grew. It was no secret that she hated Iolaus, especially after the business with Artemis' bow, and now Ares had given her the perfect reason to help. The Goddess disappeared in a cloud of smoke, her laughter echoing in the temple' walls.
Now all Ares had to do was wait, and Iolae would be his in no time.
* * *
"So... ah... weren't you with... Hercules?" Joxer stammered, as he and 'Iolae' walked outside Sparta.
"I got tired of his 'not-jealous' rants." Iolaus answered truthfully, and, noticing that Joxer was somewhat uncomfortable, decided to let go of his arm. The hunter knew that many gods, goddess
and mortals had played with the other man's feelings, and didn't want to add Iolae's name to the list. After his little stunt at the tavern, it wasn't going to be easy, but he was going to try and become Joxer's friend. "You know... he acts like if everything was my fault. If someone looks at me, he gets angry, if I talk to someone, he gets angry. But if _he_ does something stupid, then he expects that an I'm sorry is enough. I was ready to try and kick his ass, you know? So I thought I could... have a little vacation from him."
"But... why me?" Joxer's tone was far much sadder than what Iolaus expected. He had heard the man's theme song a couple of times, and, guiding himself by Gabrielle's tales, always had suspected that Joxer was nothing more than a clown. But between Aphrodite's insistence and what little he had known of the Alternate Universe' Joxer gave him a completely different idea.
"Xena hates me." Again, sincerity was the way to go. And, the hunter thought it would also make himself more comfortable with the female guise. It wasn't like if he could go and tell Joxer the truth right now. "... and... well... when we met... you tried to save me. That was ah... sweet of you."
"You saved yourself that time..."
"Joxer? What's wrong?" Iolaus stopped, genuinely worried. "Everybody I know says that you're the most optimistic man in the known world... that nothing would ever make you somber. And now..."
"I..." Joxer looked into Iolaus' blue eyes, and attempted a smile. "There's nothing wrong with me, Iolae. And do not worry, you have come to the right place if you are going to travel alone. After all, I am Joxer the Mighty and..."
Iolaus blinked, as Joxer's cheerful tone died in a resigned smile. "C'mon, Joxer... I told you the truth about Herc, now it's your turn."
"I guess you're right..." Joxer smiled again, and this time it was almost a true smile. "I caught up with Xena and Gabrielle near Micene... Xena was destroying one of Ares' temples because...
well, she thinks that Ares has your cousin, which is stupid because if he had... Hercules would be doing the rescue..." The warrior wanna-be paused for a moment and closed his eyes, trying to hide the hurt in them. "I... guess... Gabrielle was not in the mood for a love-sicken fool."
The sadness and self-depreciating tone in Joxer's voice made Iolaus feel angry against Gabrielle. Whatever Joxer did was no reason to trample on the man's heart. "What did she said?"
It took some time, but finally, Joxer told Iolaus all what had happened. He had meet Xena and Gabrielle about two weeks ago, and offered them his help, fully aware that whatever he did would be just a little symbolic help rather than something that made a change, only looking to be near Gabrielle for a couple of days. Maybe see her smile. But Xena's terrible mood, and constant rants about how much she loves Iolaus were getting into Gabrielle's nerves, and when Joxer accidentally tripped with her staff while gathering wood, the bard had yelled at him that he was the most useless being in the world, a jerk who shouldn't even had been born and that if she was lucky, she would never seen him again.
Joxer had left their camp that night, never to return, with his heart broken.
Not that he told that much to Iolaus, but the hunter had seen it enough times to recognize the symptoms.
"Well... it's her loss. I'm sure many girls would be honored to be your beloved." Iolaus smiled, but Joxer did not share it. "I've heard what they sing about you in some roads..."
"You've been at Meg's?!" Joxer did not hide his shock at knowing that, because the only place where his song was sung was there. Especially the _last_ verse.
"Ah..." The hunter blushed, knowing perfectly well that he had to be very careful of what he answered. The truth was that in a couple of taverns he had heard girls talking about him and
Joxer as the best mortal lovers in Greece, and then had started investigating on his own to hear the whole story. That had been before the curse, of course, and now he had to find a way to
explain that to Joxer, without mentioning the curse. "Actually... I've heard that you are a lover as great as my... cousin... In some taverns... Who's Meg?"
"A good friend." Joxer smiled, and there was something in that smile that made Iolaus believe that maybe, just maybe, Aphrodite had been worrying for nothing. "She ah... has a... tavern... a... you see?... ah...." A full body blush rapidly replaced the smile, and Iolaus couldn't help but smile. It was very charming to see that Joxer couldn't say the name of Meg's work, and even so manage to make himself understood. Of course, Iolaus knew exactly who Meg was, but he had wanted to hear it from the other man. Mainly because Iolaus had never been there in person, never needing to pay for a lady's company.
"So... you and Meg are.... a couple?"
"No." Unlike Hercules' quick denials, that only proved that the demi-god meant yes when he said no, Joxer's negative sounded defeated, empty. "I cannot give her what she wants."
"Why not?" This time, Iolaus' curiosity was genuine. He really did want to know what was going on in Joxer's head. Why he acted stupid when he wasn't, why he followed Gabrielle even when she only hurt him, and most important, what was needed to boost his self-confidence a little. Maybe not to the point in which the non-warrior believed his own far-fetched tales -tales that Iolaus himself had never heard, and thus didn't even know if they existed outside Gabrielle's perception of the man-, but enough so he could find his own path in the world, just as his
Alternate Universe twin had done.
"She..." Joxer paused for a moment, and then began telling Iolaus about the time when he had helped Meg and Autolycus to steal a baby, because Meg wanted to have a child. Although
Joxer demitted his whole role on the adventure, Iolaus could tell that Meg had decided that Joxer would be the father for the baby, and that the warrior-wanna-be had not believed it to be true. He also suspected that if anyone else had been around, Joxer's tale would have been much more exaggerated, as if to hid the true pain he felt.
And when Joxer finished his story, they walked silently for a long, long time.
* * *
Hercules was starting to get angry.
He had parted from his mother's house the dawn right after Aprhodite had told him that Iolaus had gone to search Joxer. Since Sparta was three weeks of road away from Thebes, the demi-god was hurrying, not wanting to loose time.
And so, Hermes' announcement that Artemis' bow had been stolen _again_ was not really welcomed by him.
Under any other circumstances, Hercules would have gone in search of Autolycus immediately, because the King of Thieves was the only one who would have the courage to steal from a
goddess. But since his other mission was to find Iolaus, whom as far as Hercules knew was pretending to be Iolae and in Joxer's company... Joxer, whose reputation as lover was as wide as Iolaus', even if it was in other circles altogether...
With a quick reassurance to Hermes that if he saw Autolycus he would retrieve the bow, Hercules continued walking towards Sparta.
But it was not jealousy what was moving him. No. He was merely concerned about his best friend's virtue.
And nothing more.
Really
The End.
-The adventures of Joxer the Mighty & Iolae Pt. 1: The Road.