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Lum Dida Lidle, Lum Dida Lie
by Lopaka Tanu
Standing outside the cell, Jack tapped his gun against his leg. "I don't get it."
Eyebrows raised, Ianto watched his boss through the safety glass. He kept his hands at his sides in order to placate the confused psycho with the gun. "Perhaps if you explained to me the nature of your dilemma, sir."
"Where do I begin?" Raising his gun, Jack casually gestured about him with it. It didn't look good, but he honestly wasn't thinking about decorum at the moment. "Your first day here, you snapped your fingers and the books just jumped back on the shelf! I knew you had to have some sorta alien mojo to keep this place clean, but that's some outlandish crap even for Torchwood!"
Lowering his eyebrows, the corner of Ianto's mouth twitched. "What were you expecting?"
"From you? Robot minions." Jack gave a harsh laugh, using his empty hand to drag down his face.
"That is not funny, sir." Ianto turned away, but only so far as he could watch Jack from the corner of his eye. The reminder stung, yet he wasn't surprised the man had resorted to it.
"It wasn't supposed to be!" Waving his gun again, Jack spread his arms wide. "What is going on with you? Did the rift do something to you? Were you abducted by aliens for sexual experimentation? Latent telekinesis?" When the man in the cell continued to avoid looking directly at him, Jack growled and smacked the glass with his gun. "Help me out, Ianto! What else can you do?"
"Well, sir, it would help me to know how much you know." Ianto looked directly at Jack. If his boss was serious, he would be honest with him. Snorting, he knew that kind of candor would never be returned.
Fingering his jaw, Jack nodded. "Right. Uh... Okay, let's see. I reviewed the CCTV footage and there were several things. Um. You snapped your fingers and the magazines on Owen's desk arranged themselves according to size, breasts that is."
Ianto beamed. He was particularly proud of that one.
"You blinked twice at Myfanwy and she was blown back up to her perch as if pulled by strings." This time, Jack joined in with a smile. "She wasn't too happy about that."
"No, sir, she wasn't." Hands in his pockets, Ianto took a moment to enjoy that memory.
"There were the coffee mugs and tea cups. You turned on a radio and they washed themselves! Now, that, that! That wasn't natural, dishes don't just wash themselves, Ianto." Scratching his head with the barrel of his gun, Jack made a noise of insight. "But I bet it beats doing them by hand."
"That it does." Ianto winced at Jack's actions. He now knew the man was immortal, but that didn't mean he wanted him to tempt fate. Besides that, with him trapped in the cell, there would be no one in to clean up the entire mess for the whole weekend.
"Then there was the way you got that entire pub full of witnesses to drink retcon. 'Just a spoon full of retcon helps the memories go blank in a most delightful way'? That should have tipped me off that there was something seriously evil about you." Jack shook his head. He still didn't understand how he hadn't seen it. The evidence was right there the whole time, plain as day. He just hadn't bothered to look.
Curious, Ianto took a slow step forward. "Tell me, sir, what eventually led to my exposure? If I may ask."
Jack grinned. Taking his own step forward, he shook his head. "I don't think I ever would have seen it, but for the fact you had to buff the banister with your ass. Not that I'm complaining, those cheeks have worked miracles for your pants. Were you trying to expose
your secret?" He stopped right at the glass. "You sat on the edge and made a circuit around it without moving a muscle. That's pretty much a whistle blowing action there."
"Ah, well, that's easily explainable. I was a bit lazy. After climbing up and down the stairs all day, I didn't want to do it again just to clean the arm rail." It all sounded perfectly reasonable, at least in his mind. But the flumoxed look Jack sent him made Ianto reconsider. "It's no secret, sir. If you check my pedigree, you will find the answer to your question."
"Save me the hassle and just spit it out." For the first time, Jack looked ready to use the gun for its original intent.
"I am a Poppins, sir, on my mother's side. If it's all the same, I would rather the others didn't learn of this. There's no real stigma, but the teasing would be plentiful and merciless." Ianto let Jack consider this for a long time. To his disappointment, every time the older man would seem to reach a conclusion, he would frown again. "Is there something you wish to ask me, sir?"
A Poppins? It explained a lot. "I'm not certain." Holstering his weapon, Jack still wasn't quite ready to release Ianto just yet. "What else can you do?"
"Is that a question, or a challenge?" Raising his hand, Ianto waited for Jack's nod before snapping his fingers.
Instantly, the spots dripped off the cell door and Jack's suit righted itself where he had ruffled it in his haste to dress.
Glancing down at his now perfectly aligned button row, he frowned. "Is cleaning all your snapping's good for?"
"Sorry, sir, but I'm afraid so." Facing the far corner, Ianto snapped his fingers again, and the water stains evaporated.
"Very well." Jack tried not to feel disappointed, but a clean Ianto was never any fun. Reaching in to his pants pocket, he pulled out the key and unlocked the door. Stepping back, he pushed the cell door open. "You're free to go."
"I thank you." Stepping around Jack, Ianto stepped out of his cell. He paused at every other cell long enough to snap his fingers before moving on. Just before he reached the vault door, he stopped and faced Jack again. "Just a fair warning, never borrow my umbrella."
"Why's that?" Annoyed, Jack almost drew his weapon to scare the other man. If this was going to be about him making that mess, Ianto would just have to get over it.
"No reason." Ianto forced his face to remain placid. If the older man respected his property, there would never be reason to explain. On the other hand, some times Jack had to learn the hard way. Walking off, he kept snapping his fingers at messes.
THE END.........................