SquidgeWorld Archive

Love you, Always
by Joyful
AuntMelba1@aol.com

It all began at the Minnesota Pee-Wee Hockey Championships.  When Adam was hurt, Jesse ran to his side.  That  evening, "Cake-Eater" went from insult to term of endearment.  Jesse sat by Adam's hospital bed until the blonde boy was discharged.  They practiced hockey over the summer, spending  nearly every day together.  Adam was good, but Jesse truly  loved the game.

Jesse nearly lost his mind at the Junior Goodwill Games.  Adam was injured again, and couldn't play for a while.  Jesse spent all his free time with Adam.

They were  complete opposites, but a perfect couple.  Jesse nearly killed Olaf Sanderson when he took that cheap shot at Adam's  wrist.

At first they were just friends, of course, but they got closer and  closer bit by bit.  They were officially an item at the  campout after the Goodwill Games.  Little did they know things  were about to change.

About two weeks after the Games, Jesse started having stomach  pains.  A few days later he was unable to keep any food  down.  After seeing three doctors, they performed an  ultrasound and found the tumors.  It took about another three  days before they officially diagnosed him: Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Then the hell truly began.  The whole team sat around  for hours in the waiting room during the surgery.  Only  Charlie really knew what was going on. 
He dutifully held  Adam's hand for eight hours as the doctors painstakingly removed the mass.  It was the longest eight hours of Adam's  life.

While Jesse was recovering from surgery, the Ducks were getting ready to start at Eden  Hall Academy on scholarships.   Jesse was getting ready to start chemo.  When he was  assigned to Varsity, Adam was ready to die.  His boyfriend was  in the hospital, his best friend wasn't speaking to him, and he was on a team  with a bunch of strangers who expected him to live up to his older brothers'  legends.  Still, Adam visited Jesse every day after hockey  practice.

The only person at school who was still nice to him  was Kenny.  As a small, Asian, male figure skater in a  Midwestern prep school, Ken Wu knew what it was like to be  ostracized.  Often, Ken would accompany Adam to the hospital while he visited Jesse, just so sit with him on the bus ride back as Adam  cried.

The good news came three days before the official JV/Varsity  game.  Jesse was in remission.  He was  missing a few minor bits and pieces, as well as two fingers and his left eye,  but he was cancer-free.  Adam was back on JV with the Ducks,  and Charlie was speaking to him again.  At the big game, Adam looked up into the stands and saw Jesse watching.  He couldn't  help but win.  He was euphoric.  Life was  perfect.

~*~*~*~

The problem with euphoria is that it has to end.  After  the orgasmic bliss starts to wear off, the tension returns, and the haze  covering the negative aspects of life begins to lift.  Adam  and Jesse had one perfect year together.

Then the headaches  began.  Followed by shortness of breath.  The tumor behind his eye socket returned, and this time it brought a new  friend:  a large mass intertwined between his heart and  lungs.

Jesse Hall died in May.  He was  sixteen.

~*~*~*~

"Come on Adam, it's time to get up," Charlie said, pulling his roommate  out of bed.  He helped his friend into the shower.  Numbly, Adam let Charlie wash his hair, help him shower, and dry him  off.  Adam was practically catatonic.

"You are strong enough to get through this today," Charlie promised Adam  as he tied Adam's tie.

"Just don't leave me alone, please?" Adam whispered.  Charlie took Adam's hand tightly.

"Never," Charlie promised.  There was a long black  limo, courtesy of Ducksworth, waiting outside the dorm building to take the  Ducks to Jesse's funeral.

In the limo, Adam sat between Kenny  and Charlie, who gently rubbed circles over Adam's back.  There was only a short service at the church, short but painful.  Adam, Charlie, Portman, Fulton, Peter and Terry were  the pallbearers.

As they walked through the cemetery, Julie,  Connie and Tammy began to sing in harmony.  It was an odd song  choice, but it had been on of Jesse's favorites.

"Well I heard there was a secret  chord that David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care  for music, do you? It goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth, the minor  fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing  Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Well your  faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her  beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
And she tied you to her kitchen  chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew  the Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Well  baby I've been here before
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor,
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble  arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken  Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Well there  was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never  show it to me do you
And remember when I moved in you
and the holy dove  was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah  Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all  I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And  it's not a cry that you hear at night
and it's not somebody who's seen the  light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah  Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah  Hallelujah"

Jesse's six teammates laid him to rest on the apparatus that would lower  him into the ground.  The monsignor said a few more words, and  led them through another prayer.  Then each of the Ducks,  present and former, laid a rose on the casket.  All except for  Charlie.  He set his duck call on the polished wood.  All three girls were crying profusely, while the boys  tried to be strong.  Fulton rested his head on Portman's chest, as  the taller boy wrapped his arms around him.  Tammy and Terry  held onto each other tightly.  Terry had lost his brother, but  was managing far better than his girlfriend was, perhaps because he'd had longer  to accept the idea.  Everyone knew it was going to happen, but  not everyone was willing to deal.  As they lowered the coffin  into the ground, the Ducks just stood there.  Some crying,  some not.  They stood there for several minutes, before  walking back to the limos.

Nobody said much during the drive back to the Halls' house.  Phillip Banks knew that he couldn't bring back his son's friend, so he  made sure to cover Jesse's hospital bills, and paid for a caterer to handle the  gathering at the Hall's house.  Someone had put the ESPN  footage of the Goodwill Games on the television, so the Ducks sat back and  quietly watched.  After about an hour, Gordon Bombay came in  with a videotape.

"Okay.  When Jesse realized he wasn't going to recover,  he made this videotape, and asked me to show it at his wake."  The former lawyer-turned coach popped in the tape, and the ducks all  smiled a bit when Jesse's face appeared on screen.  His bald  head was covered by an Anaheim cap.

"Hey losers!" Jesse called, pointing at the screen.  They all laughed a little bit.  "Okay, so, if you're  watching this tape, it means I'm gone.  Now, girls, stop  crying.  That means you too Averman!"  Everyone laughed a little, but you could still hear the girls  sniffling.

"I have a few things to say to you. Terry, my brother, I love you so  much. Be strong, and grow into the man you're meant to  be.  Don't let him slack off Tammy!  Tommy,  Karp, Peter- just because you're not on the team, don't let Spazway get a big  head.  Go to all the games.  The Ducks need  you, even if they won't admit it.

"Guy- stop being an ass.  Everyone knows you love  Connie.  You've loved her since we were five, man.  Connie, you love him too.  So go one, the two of you,  right now, kiss and make up.  Right now, we won't laugh at  you, right guys?"  Jesse said through the TV  screen.  Connie blushed, and Guy leaned over to kiss  her.  They'd been fighting a lot while Jesse was in the  hospice.

"Russ, don't let those cake-eaters get you down!  You're gonna make it through that fancy school, and go to  college!"  Russ let out a resounding "Hell yeah!"

"Cowboy, I was never nice enough to you, and I'm sorry.  You're a lot smarter than anyone gives you credit for, and you have a  kind soul.  Don't you ever forget that!"

"Julie, you've never been second to anyone. You're beautiful and amazing, and I'm going to miss your sweetness."  Julie sniffled  again.  "I've left you all my philosophy books."  She smiled a bit.

"Luis, stay strong, hermano!  Gracias por  todo."  Luis laughed at Jesse's bad Spanish.  At least he tried.

"Averman, Goldberg, what can I say?  We made the  elementary teachers cringe in horror, so keep it up in high school.  Hell, keep it up through college. Laugh at every  movie, and don't stop tormenting the jackasses.  It's what  you've always been good at."  They laughed.  "Les, all my comics are in a box under my bed.  They're  yours." 

Averman smiled. "Okay, Kenny?  Charlie?  You two take  care of my boy.  He's going to need you all more than  ever.  Charlie, you always got my back, and Kenny, you became  a wonderful friend at the end.  Now everyone, you're going to  give me a winning season.  Ducks never say die.  Now everyone, get out of here.  Leave Adam  alone.  Get out." 

Jesse looked at his  watch.  "Come on.  Leave me alone with my  boy for a bit." 

The Ducks followed the video's  instructions.  Adam  grabbed Charlie and Ken and asked them to  stay.  They flanked him, while the other ducks went to grab  some food and give Adam some privacy.

"Hey Baby," Jesse said quietly.  "I'm sure you're going  to have the hardest time dealing with my death.  There, I said  it.  I'm dead, gone."  Adam's eyes welled  up, and a few tears trickled down his cheeks.  "You need to promise me something.  Promise you won't mourn me  forever.  I want you to be happy.  Don't do  anything stupid, Cake-Eater.  Go to back to Eden  Hall. Graduate.  Go to college.  Play hockey.  Fall in love again.  First loves never  work out, everyone knows that, but don't tell Connie  and Guy I said that."  Jesse's smile was starting to break up  on the video.  "Go up to my room later, take whatever you  want.  I'm going to miss you.  But know  this," Jesse swallowed hard.

"I will always be watching you, and I will never stop loving  you.  But you need to find someone new some day.  Promise me."

"I promise," Adam said quietly.  Adam held tightly onto  Kenny's hand as Charlie gently rubbed his back.  Adam was  crying full out now.

"Kenny, Charlie, I'm sure you're still there with my boy.  Take care of him, please," Jesse was crying on the screen.  "Because this really sucks.  I love you so much  Adam.  I wish I could take you to your senior prom, do all those things you're supposed to do in high school, but I can't.  Goodbye, Baby, goodbye." Jesse said, and the video moved to  static.  Charlie laid a kiss on Adam's  temple.

~*~*~*~

Back at the dorms, Charlie led Adam into their room and locked the  door.

Charlie held Adam as he cried.  Charlie himself cried some, but Adam never noticed.

"How can he ask me to move on?  I'll never love anyone  else." Adam sobbed. "How can I?  He was  perfect."

"Jesse was far from perfect," Charlie said softly, as Adam cried in his lap.  He continued to rub circles into Adam's  back.  "He used to swear like crazy, and he would fart all the  time, remember that?"  Adam laughed a bit, he couldn't help  it.  And then he cried because he laughed.  "It's okay to laugh, Adam.  Jesse wouldn't be  mad.  He wants you to laugh, to love, to live on. To do all the things he can't anymore."  Adam's crying  let up a bit, as his
mind traveled back to a day right before the  end.

"Last week," Adam began softly.  "Last week, he knew it  was almost over. He was only able to stay away for a few  hours.  He looked at me, when he woke up."  Charlie listened intently.

" ‘Lie with me?' he asked me.  I didn't know if I  should, but he insisted. So I climbed into bed with him, and  held him close.  We just laid there for a while.  The tumor was pressing on his brain, and it would make him remember odd  things.  He told me he fell in love with me when I got hurt in  Pee Wees.  He couldn't remember peoples' names, couldn't even  always remember mine, but he remember that.  That," Adam's  voice broke, "That was the last time we
kissed.  It was the  last time I'll ever kiss him. Oh God, Charlie, it hurts so much.  How can I live without him?"

"You're going to go to sleep.  Then you're going to  wake up, take a shower, brush your teeth and get dressed.  You're going to go to school, you're going to study and work out, and  then you're going to go to sleep.  Then, when you wake up,  you're going to do it all over again.  And again, and again,  and again.  And it will hurt a little less each  day.  Sometimes you'll go a whole ten minutes without thinking  about him, sometimes you won't.  But you're going to go on  because that's what he wanted."

"Okay," Adam said quietly.

"You know, about three weeks ago, Jesse and I had an interesting conversation," Charlie said.  "He asked me to take you to the  Prom.  He made me promise actually.  He  seems to think you won't be able to get your own date."  Adam  laughed.

"Okay," Adam said softly.  "Don't leave me,  okay?"  Adam begged.

"Never," Charlie promised.  He laid a gentle kiss on  Adam's lips, and they lay down, on Adam's bed, and fell asleep.  Charlie held Adam all through the night.

*end*