Work Text:
The Dead Voldemort Sketch!
by JustJeanette
A Door opens. [The Death March Slowly Plays]
Mr Borgin appears silently from a dark back room as Lucius Malfoy strides into Knockturn Traders. Mr Malfoy is apparently using moblius corpus to transport Lord Voldemort, who is currently mounted on a Nimbus 2050.
Mr Borgin tries to aparate out of the building (unsuccessfully).
Lucius: Ah Mr Borgin, just the Death Eater to whom I wish to speak to. I would like to register a complaint.
Mr Borgin: What do you mean "a complaint"?
Lucius: I wish to complain about this "New Improved Dark Lord" that I bought from this shop not half an hour ago.
Mr Borgin: Ah yes; New Improved Dark Lord; a very good specimen I might add. What's wrong with it?
Lucius: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Mr Borgin: Oh no, Mr Malfoy, it's just resting. Look!
Mr Borgin suruptitiously casts Crucio (The New Improved Dark Lord does not move)
Lucius: Look, Mr Borgin, I know a dead New Improved Dark Lord when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
Mr Borgin: No, no, Mr Malfoy, it's not dead; it's just resting.
Lucius: Resting?
Mr Borgin: Yes, remarkable this New Improved Dark Lord, the Tom Riddle Model. Far outsells the Grindelwald model; wish I had more in stock. Great maniacal potential there; and such a fashionable Dark-Mark, isn't it? Skilled at Dark Curses too, perfect for your Muggle Roast and Afters.
Lucius: The maniacal potential doesn't enter into it - it's stone dead!
Mr Borgin: No, no, it's just resting.
Lucius: All right then, if he's resting I'll wake it up. (*Shouts at the floating corpse*) Hello, Voldemort, I have got Harry Potter, bound and gagged here for you!
Mr Borgin: (*Jogging the floating corpse *) There, it moved!
Lucius: No, it didn't. That was you pushing the floating corpse!
Mr Borgin: I did not!
Lucius: Did too!
Mr Borgin: Did not!
(This goes on for some time until Lucius whacks Mr Borgin over the head with his cane)
Lucius: Yes, you did. (*Picks Voldemort up, shouts*) Hello, Voldemort, Voldie, old chum (*Bangs the corpse against counter*) Voldemort, wake up, Dark Lord. (*Throws Voldemort in the air and lets him fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead Dark Lord.
Mr Borgin: No, no, you've stunned it.
Lucius: Mr Borgin I couldn't stun it if I bought Albus Dumbedore in here locked in the throws of passion with that witch McGonagall, in cat form.
(Mr Borgin looks very ill at the imagined scene)
Lucius: Look, Mr Borgin, I've just about had enough of this. This Dark Lord is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not over half an hour ago, you assured me that his lack of movement was due to it being tired out after an all night session panfrying Muggles.
Mr Borgin: He's probably planning a dark revel even now.
Lucius: Dark revel? It couldn't plan a dark revel if you put 50 000 exploding bon-bons up its rear end; as I will now demonstrate!
(Massive explosion and scene cuts to a smoking Voldemort now carrying a sign saying "Ouch!")
Lucius: See! And how is it going to "plan a dark revel" flat on its back? Which is how I found it not two moments after I got it back to the Manor.
Mr Borgin: The Tom Riddle Model prefers kipping on its back. Wonderful maniacal potential there, and as for Avada Kedavra, well this model could cast it with his eyes closed.
Lucius: The maniacal potential still doesn't enter into it; in fact it's so dead it couldn't cast Wingardium Leviosa let alone anything useful. Now stop changing the subject. Look, (*Turns Voldemort over*) I took the liberty of examining that New Improved Dark Lord, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up in the first place, is that it had been nailed to that Nimbus 2050, by muggle nails [eeewww], no less!
Mr Borgin: Well, of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, he would muscle up and *voom*! You'd be cursed up in no time....
Lucius: Look, Mr Borgin (*Picks up a very stiff Voldemort*) this Dark Lord wouldn't *voom* even if I sent a charmed ferret up its arse! (*Proceeds to do precisely that, with absolutely #no# response from Voldemort, though Draco is heard to chitter darkly*) He's bleeding #demised#!
Mr Borgin: He's not, he's pining for the old days!
Lucius: Pining for the old days! He's bloody snuffed it! He's passed on. This New Improved Dark Lord is no more. He has ceased to be. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace (*Harry and Dumbledore are heard in the background, cheering*). If you hadn't nailed him to this Nimbus (Good move, by the way), he would be pushing up the mandrakes. He's brung down the curtain and joined the choir ghostly. This is an ex-Dark-Lord.
Mr Borgin: Well, all right, all right; but I thought you liked your Dark-Lord dead; still I'd better replace him, then.
Lucius: Dead no; apparently gone, yes; lulls those foolish Mugglelovers into a false sense of security.
Mr Borgin: Um, the thing is, I don't actually have a replacement Dark Lord in stock.
Lucius: I see. I see. (Lucius prepares to cast Crucio).
Mr Borgin: No need for that, I get the picture, Gov'ner! I think I have just the thing that will serve all your needs very nicely. (Returns from the back room with Sauron in tow) Seems some bloody hobbit caused him a bit of grief. Otherwise, he's ready to go.
END