Chapter Text
Five Ways to Spend Valentine's Day: Way 1
by Irena Adler
Coop hated Valentine's Day. He hated the overpriced, straggly roses, the crowded restaurants, the chocolate that tasted like shit but was shaped like a heart so people bought it. When he was in a relationship, he hated it more. There was so much pressure to fulfill the girl's Hallmark-induced fantasies. She would stuff herself into itchy lingerie before she had a chance to lose the winter fat, and expect champagne and romance. Sex on Valentine's Day was always bad, because it could never live up to the hype.
Nowadays, stores hardly waited until New Year's Day to start trotting out the candy hearts and cupid boxers and those big puffy balloons that spelled out `LOVE' like the louder you screamed the words the truer they were. Even drugstores looked like someone had barfed up bloody Pepto-Bismol.
Still, while he hated Valentine's Day, he wasn't above using it. He knew that the scum he was chasing wouldn't be able to resist showing up at his ex-girlfriend's with flowers and a gold foil box. The fugitive was a brutal thug, though they'd only been able to make four of the murder stick, but even thuggo had been suckered into the candy-coated mass delusion of February 14th.
Coop made himself as comfortable as possible in his place in the bushes and waited for the guy to bring himself to Coop, all wrapped in red and pink ribbons.
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