SquidgeWorld Archive

Ianto v.3.02
by Lopaka Tanu

"What have we here?"  Having spotted the artifact first, Owen made his way through the dense tangle of vines and trees.  "Figures it would have to come down in this jungle.  If there's a place fit for a horror movie, the rift will dump something in it."

"Oh shut your yap and just get to it already."  Twenty feet behind him, Jack used a machete to hack at the thick vines.  He wasn't about to say anything, but he had a feeling Owen was right.  What the hell a South American rain forest was doing outside of Cardiff was beyond him.

Sneering, Owen swung his machete through a copse of trees and vines, cutting them to a manageable size.  He started to swing it back when the blade hit something and sparked.  "I think I found another part."

"How big is this thing?"  Merging his trail with the path Owen had already cut out, Jack ran the short distance to the doctor's side.  He was about to ask Owen what the hold up was when he saw for himself. After a heart beat, a big grin covered his face.  "Oh, you're going to like this."

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Hello.

So you have decided to purchase your very own Android Ianto, v.3.02.

Congratulations and welcome.

This model offers a wide variety of services and options.  It goes well in any environment and adapts quickly to most situations.  As the most recent in our line of Ianto products, he is equipped with a broad spectrum of knowledge and technical skills.  We are quite certain this may be the last Android you will ever buy.*

*Android Iantos are guaranteed never to run amok and are compliant with Android Logic Laws Code 5.7-A.

Android Iantos are simply the most advanced and specialized of the robotics.  If you have any questions, merely ask your AI dealer, they will be happy to provide you with all the answers.

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To get you started, here are a few basic instructions you must know.

Step 1.)  Activating Your Android Ianto.

"All right, put your hand to the palm plate.  That's the thing that looks like a hand print on a gold disc."  Holding open the instruction manual with one hand, Jack gestured at the rectangular box with his other.  "It should be on the very end."

"Bloody lot of good that does me."  Glancing down on the end facing him, Owen found three discs.  Only the one in the center had a palm print.  "All right, found it.  Placing my hand on the disc."

"Now, press down on it, and turn it clock wise until you hear a click."  Scanning ahead in the instructions, Jack tried to find if there were any hidden traps or tricks that might make this difficult.  Finding none, he looked up over the edge of the manual.  He found Owen watching him. "What are you waiting for?"

"Is it safe?"  At Jack's grin, Owen looked over at Tosh with a grimace.  He pressed the disc in and used his palm to turn it to the right.  Much to his surprise, it clicked just as Jack said it would. Owen started to stand up when the top of the box hissed and a fine crack appeared down the center.  In shock, he jumped back and fell on his ass.

Chuckling, Jack walked closer to the box.  The two black panels slid horizontally until they were completely off the top, then fell to hang over the sides.  He stopped a step away from the box, intent on being the first to see what was inside.

Everyone, including Jack, jumped back when a hand appeared out of the mists.  It rose for a moment then landed on the edge.  Sitting up, the owner of the hand dispelled most of the mist.  Opening his eyes, the first thing he saw was a slacked jawed Owen.

Jack was the first to recover.  He came to stand beside the box, hand reaching out to clasp that of the man.  "Hi.  My name's Jack, what's yours?"

The man's irises glowed bright blue before he blinked.  "Ianto v.3.02."

"Ianto," Jack tried it out on his tongue.  Tracing the back of Ianto's hand with is thumb, his grin grew.  "That's a very lovely name."

Groaning, Owen let his head fall back on the floor.

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Step 2.) Orienting Your Android Ianto.

"I'm not so sure this is a good idea."  Leaning against the arm rail beside Tosh's computer station, Gwen's attention was focused on the briefing room.  She had been watching Jack talking to the Ianto for the past half hour.  With every passing minute, she was growing more certain leaving the man alone with it was a mistake.  "Jack isn't exactly the ideal role model material for something so impressionable."

Tosh paused long enough to peer over the top of her glasses at Gwen, before going back to her work.  Ordinarily, she would have been all over this, but the box had come with a manual drive.  "If you feel strongly about it, perhaps you should provide him with an alternative view point."

Gwen nodded as she pushed off her perch.  "You know, I think I will."  Mind made up, she patted Tosh on the shoulder before walking the ramp over to the stairs.

Coming up behind Tosh, Owen bumped her with his elbow.  "You're not doing her any favors."

"She's got to learn some how.  Besides, it might actually work out for the Ianto."  Drawing up a directory, she pointed at the screen to draw Owen's attention.  "The drive translated and adapted itself to our systems when I plugged it in.  According to these files, the more exposure the Ianto is given, the more likely he is to mimic, and thus, blend in.  It's one of the functions listed in his Chameleon Expansion Package.  Really quite fascinating."

"I'm sure."  Owen's attention was drawn to the briefing room.  The android was watching Gwen and Jack go at it with rapt fascination. The more emphatic of their facial expression, it made an attempt to copy before going blank.  "The most advanced computer on the planet and it's got Becks and Posh as mum and dad.  Bloody Brilliant."

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Step 3.)  Instructing Your Android Ianto.

"I found him. He's hiding in the broom closet!"  Standing in the doorway, Owen took in the pathetic sight of the android.

Sitting with his back against the far wall, Ianto had his knees drawn to his chin.  Watching Owen warily, it started to rock back and forth.

Owen was about to do something he would later kick himself for, but was saved by the sound of footsteps.  Twisting to see who it was, his expression turned from bored to predatory.  "What have you done now, Harkness?"

"Me?"  Jack stopped just short of the door as he came up behind the doctor.  He peeked over Owen's shoulder in to the closet.  There wasn't much light as the bulb in the closet was shattered and the door blocked the nearest one outside.  "Gwen and I were having a discussion about the finer points of Android care when he went ape shit."

Seeing Jack, Ianto lowered his face in to his knees and tried to curl away.  The man's voice made him tremble.

"Right."  Grabbing Jack by the arm, Owen swung him around and in to the closet.  "You broke it, now you fix him!"  He slammed the door shut before Jack could protest.  It wasn't until he was turning the lock that he realized locking the poor android in with Jack Harkness was a really stupid idea.

Turning the handle, he threw the door open.  Grabbing Jack by the back of his shirt, he jerked him out of the closet.  "Change of plans.  You find Gwen and I'll handle the glitch."

"Hey!"  Jack started to protest, but Owen slammed the door in his face.  He reached down for the key, but found it missing out of the lock.  "Owen, I'm ordering you to open this door, right now!"

"Piss off!"  Owen's voice was muffled through the door, but his resolve came through clear.

"Owen!"  Jack hit the door twice, but halted before a third time because he heard the Ianto yelp.  Laying his hand on the door, he yearned to go inside.  The sweet faced android was distressed and the sounds it was making were designed to illicit a comfort response. After a minute, he felt calm enough to go and kill Gwen.

It was, after all, all her fault.

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Step 4.)  Feeding Your Android Ianto.

"Good news, bad news.  Good news, I finally got it to come out of the closet."  Shifting the phone to his left ear, Owen tried to jerk his hand free.  When it wouldn't budge, he sighed in to the receiver. "Bad news, it won't let the fuck go!"

Watching him with a trusting, calm expression, Ianto gave Owen's hand yet another reassuring squeeze.  When it was automatically returned, a tentative smile graced his lips.

Realizing what he had just done, Owen turned slowly to face the android.  "Hold on a minute, Jack, I think might've done something incredibly stupid."  Raising their joined hands, he watched the Ianto's fingers tighten in his grip and it smile at him.  "Yeah,
definitely something stupid."

"Owen.  This is your only warning.  Bring the android back to the hub right now!"  Jack's angry voice was audible in the tight confines of the elevator, drawing stares from the other passengers.

Owen snorted.  "You call that a threat, it barely qualifies as a sentence."

"Owen!"  Jack was almost growling.

"Sorry, not happening.  See, there's this thing."  When the doors finally opened, Owen went willingly with the Ianto as it pulled him along.  He had learned the hard way that it wasn't about to be denied. After being dragged three meters across the dirty hub floor, he wasn't about to do that again.  "I've sorta been kidnapped."

This time, several people looked from him to the Ianto.

Ianto ignored them as they cleared way for him.  Moving to a guard rail, he scanned the contents of the second floor.  Locating what he wanted, he dragged Owen along behind him.

Noticing where they were heading, Owen rolled his eyes.  "Never mind, false alarm.  Frankenstein is just hungry."

"Hungry?"  Gwen's concerned voice erupted over the cellphone.  "Owen, where exactly are you?  Tosh says the CCTV footage went down when she tried to focus it on the android."

"Stay out of this, Gwen."  The phone cracked with Jack's anger. "Owen, bring my Android Ianto back now!"

"Don't you give me orders, Mister.  It's all your fault Ianto ran in the first place!"

"Oh, no.  Un uh!  You're not laying this one on my feet, Cooper!"

Owen switched the phone off as Ianto took his place at the back of the food line.  As the android waited patiently, studying the menu, he had to give the designers credit.  They knew enough to teach it basic manners, which was more than he could say about his own 'builders'. Checking his watch as the queue slowly moved ahead, he knew it was going to be a long day.

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Step 5.)  Hygiene And Your Android Ianto.

"This isn't going to work."  Shaking their joined hands, Owen raised an eyebrow.  "I've got to piss, which requires both my hands."

Ianto continued to stare at him with interest.

"Piss, wee, shake my willy, drain the trouser snake."  When the android only smiled, he gave up with a scoff and roll of his eyes. Scrubbing his face, he stepped away from the Ianto.  It took him a second to realize he was using both hands to rub his face and he was more than a meter away.

Emotional relief filled him as he used his new found freedom to rush in to the loo.  Making a beeline for the urinals, he had his fly down and open before he reached them.  Owen pulled out his prick with one hand and placed the other behind his head.

With a pleasured groan, he pressed on his bladder and released the pent up piss.  As it started to flow, he put his other hand behind his head.  A second later, he nearly jumped out of his skin as a hand grabbed his prick.  Eyes wide with dread, he turned his head to see the smiling face of the Ianto.  He glanced down, and sure enough, it was holding him.

Closing his eyes, he half sobbed, half snorted.  When he had finished, he felt the android shake it dry before tucking his prick back in his pants.  The android zipped him up and patted the front of his pants once.  "Thanks."  He started to turn away and head for the sinks.

"Any time, mate."

That brought Owen up short.  Frowning at the android, he cocked an eyebrow.  "You can speak?"

"I know over two million standard languages with an adaptability to speak any dialect of those languages given enough exposure."  Ianto bounced on the balls of his feet, smirking at Owen.

From being a human shaped lump, to a cheeky pervert in just two short hours.  No wonder Jack wanted the bloody thing so badly.  Snorting, Owen smashed the soap dispenser until it coated his palm.  "Wash your hands."

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Step 6.)  Bonding With Your Android Ianto.

"Let me go."  Pushing Ianto's hands away, Owen scowled at it.  They were currently taking a taxi back to the hub.  It had been a thought to save time, but was proving to be yet another mistake.  Ever since they had climbed in to the backseat together, Ianto hadn't left him alone.

Stretching out an arm behind Owen's head, Ianto tried to lower it over the doctor's shoulders.

Knowing the tactic by heart, Owen was quick to slap the offending arm away.  "Oi, you got a screw loose, circuit boy?  I've told you, I'm not interested."  He slid his body to the far side of the cab to put as much space between them.  Unfortunately, Ianto quickly joined him.

Wrapping his body around Owen's left arm, Ianto lowered his head to the doctor's shoulder.  "I am programmed to imprint upon the first person I laid eyes upon."  Heaving a pleasured sigh, he made a noise of contentment.  "The process has already begun and can not be halted until complete."

Shaking Ianto off his arm, Owen tried even harder to squeeze in to the back corner of the cab.  "What's this got to do with me?  The first thing you saw was Jack trying to..."

"Not entirely true, sir."  Reaching down between them, Ianto laced their fingers together.  He placed their hands in his lap and laid his head once more upon Owen's shoulder.

Owen turned his head to yell at Ianto, but promptly got a mouth full of hair.  Spitting out the strands, he growled.  The death grip the android had on his hand again wasn't going away.  He knew it was time to change tactics.  "How long is this supposed to last?"

"Twenty-four standard hours after my activation.  We have left twenty-one hours, fifty-three minutes, and fourty-one, forty, thirty-nine seconds."  Ianto cut himself off.  There was a certain limit to his new owner's patience and he was already close enough to breaking them.

"All right.  Fine."  Owen gave one last tug on his hand before giving up.  "Just answer me this.  What's holding hands like some twat got to do with it?"

"Physical contact ensures accurate readings.  The more correct my measurements, the better I can ensure your needs are met."  Raising his head, he met Owen's gaze.  "Your happiness is my ultimate reason for being."

"Oh god."  Owen swallowed.  "I really, really wished you hadn't said that."

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Step 7.)  Caring For Your Android Ianto.

"And that's basically what's going to happen."  Scratching at the back of his head, Owen used the motion as an excuse to avoid looking at his team.  Beside him, Ianto was sitting in Owen's usual chair, staring at him with something akin to adoration.  He gave the android a  tight smile before biting the bullet and looking up.

Gwen was stunned.  She sat there watching them with unseeing eyes. "Yes, well, I'm certainly glad."

Mouth hanging open, Tosh cast a look to Gwen before smiling at Owen. "Well, I'm happy for you."  She saw Ianto move and it drew her attention.  "Both of you.  If you'll excuse me."  Rising from her chair, she pushed up her glasses and all but fled the room.

For his part, Jack sat drumming his fingers on the briefing room table.  When he did look up at Owen, his lips were tightly pursed in anger.  "You defied me, Owen."

"Not technically, sir."  Breaking off his hero worship of Owen, Ianto shifted his attention to Jack.  The slight squeeze of reassurance he sent to Owen was returned and made him smile.  "Due to no fault of his own, he was forced to leave your base of operations.  My start up programming is quite specific and can not be over ridden without seriously compromising every program that comes after.  Cascade failure and self termination would be the eventual result."

Gwen whimpered.

"Ah."  Clearing his throat, Jack had to look away.  There was just something about the way the Ianto stated it that left no room for arguments.  Besides, it might not be entirely bullshit.  "Well, we wouldn't want that.  I think I can over look this incident for now."

In anticipation of Owen's remark, Ianto clenched his fingers in the doctor's hand to keep him silent.  "Thank you, sir."

"Yeah, don't mention it."  Jack sat back in his chair to study the android.  It was obvious none of the really fun features were in use just yet, but that left the other functions.  "What exactly can you do around the hub?"

"The listing is long and varied, dependant upon your specific requirements.  For a more detailed listing, I would need to know what you want of me."  Ianto watched as Jack's pupils widened slightly. Taking in the slight perspiration along his cheeks and the way he swallowed, Ianto pitched his voice lower.  "Do you want me, Jack?"

"Oh, yeah."  Leaning across the table, Jack's expression turned from bored to lascivious in an instant.

"Hey!  Keep your mits off my property."  Tugging on Ianto's hand, he pulled the android up from his chair.  "The Ianto said it belongs to me, so it belongs to me!"

"Actually, I am quite versatile.  I would be happy to service all your needs."  Ianto looked from Jack, to Gwen, then to Owen.  Twitching his lips, he tilted his head forward until he was staring at Owen through a lowered brow.  "How do you like your...coffee?"

Gwen whimpered.

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Thank you for purchasing your Android Ianto.  We appreciate your choosing to do your business with us.  We at Ianto Enterprises stand for only the highest quality with our merchandise.

To ensure a lifetime of top notch service and high end functionality, it is recommended that you allow the Android Ianto proper time to regenerate after a day's activities.  Remember, a healthy Ianto is a happy Ianto.

An important fact to remember when dealing with your Android Ianto is to do it no deliberate harm.  Do not hit your Android Ianto.  If he refuses to work, hitting your Ianto will not 'fix' his problem.  He is not a television.   Instead, try various proven methods of persuasion as suggested in appendix 7-J.

Your Android Ianto is also a sentimental creature by design.  The Android Ianto is especially fond of small mementos, trinkets it associates with the fact that you care.  Be sure to gift it with these mentionables every so often to reenforce the bond you and your Android Ianto share.

If you are satisfied with the quality of your Android Ianto, be sure to check out our list of other Ianto merchandise.  Among them is included the Hologram Ianto, a personal assistant that handles all your online business.  See the new Child Ianto teaching tool to give you that real, simulated parental experience.  Also, there is the new Plushie Ianto: for all those cold lonely nights, try the Plushie Ianto.

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"Oi, roll over you pillow thief!"  Sharing his bed with a life size calculator was not what Owen considered conducive to sleep. Especially when said electronic device was currently engaged in a tug-of-war with the only pillow.  He really should have replaced the one Gwen had ruined by drooling over it like a St. Bernard.  But that was neither here nor there.

Watching as Owen settled down to sleep, Ianto placed a hold on the priority alert his programming was telling him.  He would surprise the man with that part of the imprinting tomorrow.  Smiling, he drifted off to sleep mode.

THE END....................................