Work Text:
Title: Missing
Author: Ayu
Part: 1/1
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and it’s characters belongs to JKR, not me. The song “Missing” is played by Evanescence and also not mine. I also make no money with this little piece of fiction.
Raiting: PG-13
Genre: sad
Warnings: none
Word Count: 1.230
A/N: My first Harry Potter fanfiction directly written in English. I hope it’s not too bad.
Beta: sarah, thak you so much!
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Sirius starred in awe at the utensils he had right in front of him. At this very moment he couldn’t even recall how he got them and how no-one could have noticed ink and quill lying beside him. He knew he still wouldn’t be able to write a letter, since there was no way of sending it via owl to the person he wanted so desperately to talk to. Sighing softly he took the quill, leaned back against the cold stone wall and began writing down his thoughts.
Please, Please forgive me
But I won’t be home again
Maybe someday you’ll look up
And barely conscious you say to no-one
Isn’t something missing?
Taking a shuddering breath he reread what he had just written and closed his eyes for a brief moment. Even though the dark-haired man wouldn’t have admitted it he felt lost. Since he was locked up in this building, forced to feel the icy cold that crawled up inside his body whenever one of the Dementors flew by. Always alone with his thoughts he worried about so many things, that even sleep couldn’t free him on some days.
Thoughts about Harry, Remus, Lily and James where usually dominating his day. Feeling guilty for Lily’s and James’s death, worrying about what had happened to Harry, worrying about Remus. He knew, that Hagrid had come to collect Harry as Albus Dumbledore had asked him to do so, but still. Where was he now? Was he ok? Did he know about him? Sirius highly doubted that anyone would tell Harry about his no good godfather who killed many people and betrayed his parents to you-know-who. Thinking about that alone brought tears to his eyes. He knew that he didn’t do any of these things he was charged for. And much to his disgust he had not killed Peter Pettigrew. Even though the rat deserved to die after he betrayed them all.
But no-one believed him anyway. No matter what Sirius had told them, they wouldn’t believe him. Not even Remus and that hurt most.
Looking through a small hole in the wall covered in bars, which should probably represent a window, he could see the faint glow of the moon. He couldn’t help it, but the moon always reminded him of Remus and no matter what he did, he always had to ask himself if Remus had someone to help him though the full moon nights or if he was all alone again. Sirius really wished he could help his friend, but the werewolf probably wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him at all.
Trying to ignore the sinking feeling inside his chest he took up the quill once again and continued writing.
You won’t cry for my absence I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?
It was hard to think it and even more so to write it down, but he knew he had to. The thought had invaded his mind for too long and no matter what he couldn’t help himself feeling insecure. Sirius was sure, that everyone who knew him tried to forget about him. After all being a prisoner of Azkaban is surely not something to be if you want to have friends. And it didn’t matter that he felt like dying every single day. No one cared about that anyway. Silently the dark-haired man wondered how many people would be glad if he finally died here. But he knew he couldn’t. Not before he had told Remus that he was sorry for leaving him, that he didn’t do it. Not before he saw Harry and was sure his godson was alright.
Sirius knew that it was rather impossible for him to archive that. After all no one got out of here alive. So how was he supposed to meet them and tell them everything he wanted to say? if he didn’t find a way to get out, which he highly doubted he would, he was bound to die with this burden.
Sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder if anyone missed him or if he was just forgotten. Unimportant, just another face they knew and didn’t care about. He really didn’t want to think about his old friends like that, but then they could hardly blame him for becoming depressed in here. They probably would never understand the nightmares that start to eat you alive when you had to stay in this place long enough.
Even though I’m the sacrifice
you won’t try for me not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?
It may be selfish to ask anyone to trust him after everything that had happened, but still. He had been sacrificed in order to free Wormtail, even though no one knew it. It hurt too much to sit in the darkness all by himself, knowing he was alone and probably always would be. No-one would come to see him, no-one would spare some friendly words for him and all he could do was fight against the tears that threatened to fall. Every night, every day, he died and still his body was still alive.
Sirius wished nothing more then to know that someone out there missed him, loved him still for who he was, but he couldn’t blame anyone for hating him. It had been bad coincidence that got him here and now he would die alone. Something he had always feared most.
Please, Please forgive me
But I won’t be home again
I know what you do to yourself
I breath deep and cry out
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?
Even though I’m the sacrifice
you won’t try for me not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t someone missing me?
Watching the moon again he felt a slight pain in his heart as he realised that it was full moon tonight. And again a great wave of guilt seemed to try to consume him, as he thought about Remus, fearing for his friend, wishing he could be with him to help him through the night. Sirius wanted to cry, to scream, but no sound left his lips as he watched on. It was as if he could almost hear Remus’ growling at something or someone before he got ready to attack. Even though he didn’t fear him, but always feared for him. He couldn’t forget about those sounds. As well as the scratching and biting. It had hurt so much when he first found out what Remus did to himself on these nights. He had sworn to himself, that he would never leave him alone on nights like that, so that he could help him, so that he wouldn’t hurt himself. And now he had to admit yet again that he had broken his silent promise.
Again the overwhelming feeling to apologize to Remus to swallow him. He wanted him to know that he never wanted him to suffer through all of this alone. Remus was probably as alone as he was in this very moment, and that knowledge hurt. Why couldn’t he be free? Why couldn’t they just find Peter and make sure he received the punishment that he deserved? Sirius just wanted to get back to Remus and make everything right again.
And if I bleed, I’ll bleed knowing you don’t care
And if I sleep, just to dream of you
Awake without you there
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something….
There were moments which seemed completely surreal to him. And if he was honest with himself, he still didn’t understand how he was still so… sane. Maybe because the Dementos couldn’t harm him that much, but still. Being caged, feeling the deadly cold and having the knowledge that he let everyone who had trusted him down, he sometimes felt like going insane. But after all these years that he had been in here he hardly cared anymore if he would loose it or not. Everything he cared for was outside these walls and he would probably never get the chance to see them again, before he died pitifully in this prison. Alone and cold.
He just wished he could tell them how sorry he was…
Even though I’m the sacrifice
You won’t try for me not now
Though I’d die to know you love me
I’m all alone
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?