Work Text:
Humor Me
by Margaret Newman/Mereridkat
No. 1
Blair's flight finally arrived at the Cascade International Airport well after midnight. He had enjoyed visiting his mom and her boyfriend in New York, but the trip back had been exhausting. He called the loft, and despite the fact that he was incredibly tired, he started laughing. The answering machine picked up after 4 rings, and he got Jim's message:
"Well I finally got a new answering machine just like Blair wanted. He's off visiting his mommy, and doesn't know about it yet. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Crappy machinery! This is all Blair's fault. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does..."
"What's so funny, chief?" A warm, deep voice asked from behind him. Blair jumped a foot, yelping, and whirling.
"Jim!" Even though they were in public, they hugged a little too enthusiastically.
No. 2
It was rare that Jim's dad ever told a joke so when he did, they listened. Stephen's girlfriend had been quizzing Jim about his days in the Army, curious because her brother was away in Afghanistan. This wound it's way around to Bill Ellison's father and uncles adventures in World War II and Korea.
"This was one my uncle Kenneth told me." Bill started out. "Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young and gullible recruit." Kerri, Stephen's girlfriend stopped him and asked,
"What's a bayonet?"
"It's a short kind of sword or knife that fixes on to the underside of a rifle." Bill explained patiently.
"Oh, okay." She nodded.
"The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
"That's not helpful. How is that going to work?" She frowned, worrying already about the young soldier.
"Hun, it's a joke. Let dad continue." Stephen squeezed her hand.
"The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom." Bill pushed on, ignoring Blair who was trying not to laugh, his face pressed into Jim's shoulder. "Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens."
Kerri, horrified by the cold brutality, starts to protest. Stephen squeezes her hand harder this time, and gives her a look. She shut up.
"Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
That's when Jim bursts out laughing, and Blair is gasping for breath. Kerri looks at them like they are insane, and Stephen just blushes. He knows he's going to get it later.
No. 3
"Blair?" Jim asked, and Blair could hear a tinge of hoarseness in the single word.
"I'm here." Blair replied, trying to make himself confident and relaxed. He had never had trouble with claustrophobia until he had met Jim. And well, the bad guys that seemed to flock to them.
"The specialist from the safe company just landed at the airport. Rafe is personally escorting him to the bank." Jim gave him the good news.
"Seriously?" Blair thought that was the greatest news he'd heard since Jim had grunted his acknowledgement of their mutual lust for each other.
"There were these two Polish hunters." Jim went right back into telling Blair jokes. "They were driving through the country to go bear hunting."
"Jim, please." Blair groaned. "You can stop now."
"They came upon a fork in the road-."
"Please!" Blair laughed, clutching his ribs. He was sore from laughing just as much from the beating the bank robbers had given him. He really didn't think he could take any more jokes. Especially these corny ones that Jim had been telling him for nearly three hours.
"…where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home."
"Oh god." Blair bit his lip, resting his head against the cement wall. "Jake? Simon? Someone? Anyone? Please shut him up."
Jake, the head of SWAT for Cascade PD, took the intercom handset away from Jim, tossed it to Megan, and half pushed, half pulled Jim out of the vault entry area. He kept Jim out until the specialist showed up, giving Blair a bit of a break. After that vault was open, though, no one could have kept Jim away from Blair.
Not that Blair's grip on Jim's neck would have been easy to break. No one commented on the two men walking out of the bank half wrapped around each other. When the siege of the bank had started hours ago, no one had thought Blair would survive, including Blair. Now that he was safe and alive, no one dared fuss at the overly affectionate cop partners.
In the ambulance, on the way to the hospital, Jim started to tell another joke, just to tease Blair. Blair shut him up the best way he knew how. Lotsa tongue and a minor bit of nibbling.
end