Work Text:
Jerry Springer Meets TS
by Bluesky
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Jim is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Blair. So everyone please put your hands together for Jim!
Jerry: Okay, now Jim you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
You: Cassie.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Cassie, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Jim, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Simon!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Police issue hand gun. Simon reaches for the Coat Rack. Out of the shadows Megan appears.
Megan: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Simon.
Simon: Because I saw Jim and Megan making out at The Loft!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Megan: That's a lie! I was home watching Star Trek!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Simon?
Simon: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Blair who has recently become engaged to Megan.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Blair out here because Jim had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Cassie that's right!
Blair: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Cassie! You know I'm how I feel about Cassie!.
Megan: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Cassie!
Blair: Because I knew that I could never have Cassie. But Jim promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Megan: What about respect for MY feelings!
Simon walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Blair.
Simon: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Megan: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Megan runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Megan: Jim take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Megan: Married?
You nod.
Megan: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Cassie.
Blair: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Cassie: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 42 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Jim is married to Cassie who Blair has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Blair has recently become engaged to Megan who was recently spotted kissing Jim in the The Loft. Now on top of this Simon has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Blair.
Cassie: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.
Then Jim woke up and decided to never eat tacos and Peach icream togeter ever again before bedtime.
END