Work Text:
Of Innocence and Empathy: Earnestly Seeking Wisdom
by Frogg
"Sir?" Emily knocked on the open doorframe and waited to be acknowledged.
Gideon looked up at her over the top of his reading glasses, then straightened. "Come in, come in. Close the door behind you," he offered mildly.
Once inside, protected by a closed door, some of Emily's usual composure melted away. She paced slowly towards the desk, hugging herself, a vaguely shocked look in her eyes as she looked around the room.
"You haven't been sleeping," Gideon said, noting the deep circles beneath her eyes no concealer could hide.
"Not enough. And when I do..." She swallowed convulsively.
"Having nightmares?"
Emily turned, haunted gaze pinning him in place. "If you want to call it that." Then pain and anxiety washed over her, making her flinch and break eye contact.
Then, before Gideon had a chance to question further, Emily laughed bitterly, an explosive burst of sound. "I shouldn't even be here talking to you," she muttered.
"Is there someone else you'd rather talk to?"
"No, I mean, I shouldn't be talking to anyone about this."
Gideon spread his hands in acceptance, nodding. "You're welcome to say as much or as little as you like about it."
"I was talking with Reid the other night, and...and..." She swallowed again, walking around the edge of the office. "I remembered watching him on the computer screen, in that cabin, and wondering what was going through his head when Henkel was trying to enforce God's Will."
"You asked him."
Emily nodded. "I asked him how he could do that, to play with his own life...I wasn't...expecting his answer."
"And it's giving you nightmares," Gideon guessed.
She nodded again, slowly. "I can't tell you what he said." Fear and regret lay thick in her voice, as if she knew she would be better off repeating those brief words, but the act of speaking would break something inside.
"So tell me what you can."
"We missed something," she said simply. "We watched on that laptop screen as Henkel hurt him, as he tried to help us find him...but we didn't see everything." Her hands came up, half reaching for something, clenching into helpless fists before dropping back to her sides.
"You think Henkel did something to him we don't know about?"
"I don't know. It might be something before then, it might just be that he made a mistake and got himself kidnapped and JJ traumatized, I just don't know. I don't even know if it matters any more!" Emily took in a ragged breath and finger-combed her hair out of her face. "To be brutally honest, I haven't been able to ask myself what, exactly, we missed. Just whether or not I want to know."
"It's a lot harder to deal with a friend and coworker as the victim than it is someone you'll never have to talk to again, isn't it?" Gideon pointed out kindly. "Our minds are programmed to avoid damaging information. It's not something you should be ashamed of, or disregard."
She shook her head. "That's only part of it, I know if I thought I...I'd know, it wouldn't be hard to figure out." She glanced up at him, self-loathing in her eyes, in her expresion. "But I know, I know it's not something he's talked about. With anyone, not even Morgan." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "That scares me." The admission was a painful, harsh whisper.
"And you're not supposed to tell anyone about it?"
Emily ducked her head, hugging her arms to herself. "He's testing me, Gideon, he knows I'm not..." She inhaled deeply and tried again. "I've been too caught up in trying to prove myself, to protect myself. I don't have the kind of friendships here I'd need to be able to talk about it. He knows that."
"Or," Gideon argued, "he's not comfortable telling one of us about what's been bothering him directly, and would rather we find out from someone else."
Emily thought that over for a moment that stretched into minutes. "No, I can't. I'm only just now earning his trust, I can't break it like this. Even if it is to help him, it would..."
"It would damage something," Gideon finished for her. "It's all right. I'm pretty sure I know what's going on. I appreciate you bringing it to my attention."
That was a dismissal, not an order, but one she could take as an escape route. Emily shook her head. "You knew already, didn't you?"
"Not this part, no. I had some idea, but..." Gideon shrugged. "There's only so much I, or any of us, can help him without having all the pieces. And I didn't have this one."
Emily nodded. "I just don't want to see him...like Morgan, in Chicago. Before."
Gideon frowned. "Before?"
She laughed helplessly. "Before, we knew almost nothing of his past, before college. He didn't talk about it, none of us pushed for answers. But after Chicago, after learning..." She swallowed, unable to finish the sentence. "It's like...he was hollow before, all of his courage just bravado. He's, I don't know, solid now, more real, more just plain human."
"And you don't want to see Reid like that?"
"I don't want to see him the way Morgan was, pretending he wasn't hurting." A bitter smile twisted her lips. "I may not be able to help him, but..."
"That doesn't keep you from wanting to try," Gideon finished. There was something dangerously close to pride in his eyes.
"No, sir, it doesn't."
~~~the end~~~