Work Text:
humorous deathfic: Revenge of the scorned plot bunny
by Josette Grover
Josette Grover, also known as the fearless author looks up from her computer as two sounds in opposite corners of her messy room slowly make their way into her consciousness. Looking up, she sees two identical Tardis make their way into view, miraculously missing the debris littering the floor.
Turning the chair around, she looks at the blue boxes in disbelief as the doors open and the 9th Doctor followed by Jack come out of one box, and the 10th doctor emerges from the second.
"And you three invaded my room why?" I ask, "Watch where you step, the plot bunnies are tearing their fur out because it's so damn hot and leaving me 'gifts' because I'm not writing." I raise my voice a little, "You know, it helps when you guys give me a plot. . ." The listless bunnies in the corner raise their heads, and in one case their paws and give me their answer.
"I gave you a plot," a muffled, huffy voice says from the heavily barred bunny hatch in the corner of the room. "But you locked me in here instead."
"You're damn fucking right I locked you in there." I mutter under my breath, "You're too damn psychotic to live. Calm down a little and give me another story idea."
"Oh I don't know," Jack Harkness says, opening the hatch before I can yell at him, "Your stories have always been kinda cute. . Aww, aren't you the cute little ACK!!!!" The bunny launches himself form the cage, grabbing onto Jack's arm with all his teeth and biting hard. "NOOOOO!!!!" he screams.
"SHAKE HIM OFF BEFORE HE INFECTS YOU!" Both Doctors yell in unison.
"Told you not to open the damn bunny cage." I yell as I stand on my chair, grabbing onto the computer monitor for balance as the two doctors jump onto my bed to get away from the bunny. "Hand me my bunny basher, we'll try to get him off Jack before he does any permanent damage." Five frantic minutes later, all three of us are liberally scratched and nursing bites but the bunny is stuffed back in the case. The tenth Doctor is cleaning my scratches and bite marks while the ninth Doctor pulls Jack into a sitting position.
"He's dead, it looks like he died of fright."
"He probably did, Ouch." I yelp as I receive a tetanus shot. "I have you guys to thank for that damn bunny, by the way."
"Really, what did we do?" the ninth doctor asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
"I just saw an episode with the 10th doctor, and my first thought was no fricking way, he looks too damn young to be the doctor, he looks more like a kid playing dressup and trying to be just like that." Both doctors stare at me in disbelief. "Hey, in my defense you were getting yelled at by a very irate bride at the time."
"Ohh yeah, I remember that." the tenth Doctor says, wincing at the memory.
"Anyway, that brat." I point in the direction of the rocking cage as various special forces bunny reinforce the brackets holding it to the wall, "decided that since I'd planned on making my doctor who series a MPREG sometime in the future you were Jack and the Doctor's teenage son who'd taken the Tardis for a joyride and was pretending to be Da until he got caught." The two doctors look at me in disbelief. "Why the hell did you think I had the little bastard under lock and key in a special cage he couldn't chew his way out of?"
"I'll listen from now on." Jack says shakily as the Doctor pulls him to his feet. "Do you have any plans for another story for me?"
"Yeah," I say, taking in his hangdog 'I fucked up' look. "The 4th of July fireworks gave me an idea for a story where the Doctor takes you to a planet where they happen naturally, I just need to think of a suitably gobbledygook technical explanation for the phenomenon." The 9th doctor raises an eyebrow at my 'gobbledygook' response but smiles when he sees Jack beginning to look excited. The 10th doctor looks at me and I sigh. "Yes, i'll write a story for you once I get the season two dvds, okay?" Both Doctors smile at me as they shut the Tardis doors behind them and leave my bedroom. I shake my head, turning to stare back at the blank computer screen. "Tell me why I ever became a fanfic writer?"
"Because we're mouthy little shits." a voice from the bed says as my Greta muse pops into view. And we wouldn't shut up until you wrote our stories and posted them online."
"Good point," I mutter, rubbing my temples to fight off the headache of dealing with mouthy muses and temperamental bunnies. "Damn good point."
end