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English
Series:
Part 1 of Touch
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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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9,140
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1/1
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11
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1,215

Clueless

Summary:

Fandom: Dead Man on Campus
Paring: Josh/Cooper
Rating: PG13
Status: new
Archive: yes to list archives
Series/Sequel: no plans for a sequel, but you never know what I'll do out of boredom
Summary: Some people take longer to figure things out than others.
Warnings: movie spoilers. Tiny ones.
Submitted through http://lists.squidge.org/wws/info/makebelieve

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

 

Clueless
by Caroline Crane
caroline_crane@hotmail.com
http://desiderium.slashcity.net

 

 

Josh let out another in a countless series of frustrated sighs, tossing his pen down on his psychology book and glaring at the wall in front of his desk. He was seriously contemplating getting up and going out there when the offending laughter died down again, and he shook his head and turned back to his book. Quiet settled over the room for a full two minutes before another sharp burst of laughter broke the silence, startling Josh out of the chapter he'd been trying to read for almost an hour.

He pushed his chair back, ignoring the loud scraping sound it made against the linoleum as he stood up and made his way to the door that led to the other half of the suite. He yanked the door open with a little more force than necessary, frowning at the group of guys gathered around Cooper's new bong before his gaze finally landed on his roommate. "Cooper, come on. You know I've got a huge test tomorrow."

"We know, Josh, that's why we're being quiet," Cooper answered, glancing around the room at the other guys as they all nodded their agreement.

"Well be quieter. Seriously, Coop, I've gotta get this reading done."

He turned back to the bedroom they shared, rolling his eyes as he caught a glimpse of Cooper standing up to follow him. The last thing he needed was to waste time trying to make Cooper understand why he couldn't study with all of them laughing and carrying on in the next room; he'd already tried explaining it more than once and it hadn't gotten him anywhere. He knew there was no way he was going to get rid of Cooper before he made a speech about what a drag Josh was being, so he braced himself and turned to face his roommate.

"Look, Coop, can't you guys go hang out in Zeke's room or something?"

"It's my bong, Josh." Cooper shook his head as though the question was ridiculous, crossing the room to grip Josh by the shoulders and steer him toward his desk chair. "Look, you just need to relax. You're so tense, you're gonna have a heart attack or something and then what good will all this studying do? You know what you need – you need to try out my new bong."

"No." Josh twisted out of Cooper's grip and turned to face him again, taking an involuntary step backwards when he realized how close they were. "Cooper, no. I don't need to get high. What I need is to finish reading this chapter and then go to bed."

Cooper let out a dramatic sigh and took another step forward, gripping Josh by the shoulders again and pushing him less than gently into his chair. His hands stayed firmly planted on Josh's shoulders, fingers digging into the knots of tension at the base of Josh's neck. He knew he should push Cooper off him, send him back to his friends to get even more stoned and do his best to ignore the noise coming from the next room. Or he could pack up his backpack and head to the library, but it was cold outside and the last thing he really wanted to do was walk all the way across campus in the dark.

Besides, Cooper's hands felt good – too good, really, and instead of twisting out of the grip again Josh felt himself leaning into it. His neck muscles were relaxing already, and he felt his eyes drift shut as he leaned back a little further. "Coop, I mean it. . ."

"You know, ever since you and Rachel broke up it's like you forgot how to have fun," Cooper said, talking over Josh as though he hadn't said a word. His hands dipped a little lower as he spoke, thumbs kneading down the hollow between Josh's shoulder blades. "You're so tense, Josh. If all you ever do is study you're gonna drive yourself crazy."

"I'm not tense, Cooper, I'm focused. There's a difference," Josh said, but his eyelids betrayed him by fluttering closed when Cooper's hands moved up his back to his neck again. Cooper's fingers were warm against his skin, thumbs pressing into his neck where his spine met his skull. He heard a soft moan and realized it was coming from him, his cheeks flushing as he tried to sit up and pull away from his roommate. "Coop, come on. I need to get this done."

"You need to relax," Cooper said again, his voice buzzing close to Josh's ear as his hands started moving again. "Just trust me."

Josh knew better than to trust Cooper, especially when those words came out of his mouth. After everything they'd been through since they met Josh knew he should get up and get as far away from Cooper as possible, because whatever his roommate was doing, he wasn't just doing it to be nice. If Josh had to guess he'd say Cooper was trying to lull him into a relaxed enough state to get him to leave him and his guests alone. Which Josh would be happy to do, if they'd just shut up and let him get his reading done.

Still, it was hard to resist the insistent pressure of Cooper's hands against his neck, and when warm fingers dipped under his collar Josh let out a soft gasp and leaned forward. His chin dropped toward his chest, another moan escaping his throat as Cooper's hands flattened against his skin. "God, Coop, where'd you learn to do this?" Josh murmured, his voice so soft he wasn't even sure he'd said it out loud until Cooper leaned over and whispered directly into Josh's ear.

"You really wanna know?"

Something about his roommate's voice told Josh in no uncertain terms that he definitely didn't want to know. It wasn't like this was the first time Cooper had ever touched him, but there was something about the charge in the air that set him on edge. Coupled with the way Cooper's lips practically brushed his ear when he leaned over to whisper the question, Josh was pretty sure now would be a good time to stop whatever it was they were doing.

"Forget it. Look, Coop, I know you're trying to help but I've really gotta study here." Josh shifted enough to look over his shoulder without actually pulling out of Cooper's grasp. The part of him that was really enjoying the feeling of his roommate’s hands on his skin wouldn't let him pull away completely, no matter how confused he was about what was going on.

While he was speaking Cooper's hands slid under his collar again, and Josh couldn't stop the shudder that rolled through him. For a second he thought the other boy was going to ignore him and keep moving his hands across Josh's skin, then his fingers stilled on Josh's shoulders and he let out a sigh. "Alright, alright. I'm just trying to help."

"I know," Josh said, his voice barely above a whisper as Cooper pulled his hands away from Josh's neck. He cleared his throat and turned around in his chair, pasting what he hoped was a convincing grin on his face. "I appreciate it, really. It's just. . .I've got a lot of work to get through and it's getting pretty late."

"Okay, I'll get the guys to keep it down. But you gotta take a break from studying sometime, Josh. I never even see you anymore." Cooper was standing a few feet away from him, his expression a mixture of hurt and disapproval. Josh searched his best friend's eyes for a long moment before he answered, trying to decide if he was missing something or if his mind was just playing tricks on him thanks to too much studying and lack of sleep.

"Thanks, Coop. This weekend, I promise. We'll go out, okay?"

"I'm holding you to that," Cooper said, matching Josh's grin as he backed toward the door.

Josh waited until he was gone to let out a deep breath and run his hands through his hair, trying not to focus on the lingering feeling of Cooper's fingers on his shoulders. He forced himself to turn back to his chapter, frowning down at the page in front of him without seeing the words. He shook his head to try to clear the fog that had settled in his brain, but it was no use. No matter how hard he tried to focus all he could think about was the tingling sensation still lingering in his neck and shoulders, the memory of warm fingers moving along his spine.

It was just a back rub, friends did that kind of thing for each other all the time. Hell, Cooper had rubbed Josh’s shoulders more than once while he was trying to get Josh to relax and see things Cooper’s way. It didn’t usually work, but Cooper had never been quite that thorough before. If Josh had known how talented those fingers were. . .no, he wasn’t going there, because thinking about his roommate that way would only get him in trouble. He was just stressed out from studying so hard, all he needed to do was take a little time off to relax.

Which he’d do this weekend, right after he took the test he was supposed to be studying for. Maybe he’d even start thinking about finding someone to fill the gap left in his life when Rachel broke up with him, although the thought of trying to flirt with some strange girl always left him with a bad taste in his mouth. Part of him didn’t even miss Rachel so much, because once his life calmed down enough to give him time to think about it he figured out that they didn’t even have that much in common. He had a better time just hanging out with Cooper, playing video games in Zeke’s room or talking over beers on the weekend.

Only they hadn’t done that in…he tried to think back to the last time he’d gone out with Cooper, frowning when he realized he couldn’t even remember. An soft laugh escaped his throat as he finally admitted to himself that Cooper was right, he had been studying too hard. He promised himself that he’d take a break as soon as his test was over, pulling his book a little closer and pushing thoughts of his roommate as far back in his consciousness as he could get them.

~

Two days later Josh was positive he was going crazy. It wasn’t just the fact that he could still remember the way Cooper’s hands felt on him two days after the impromptu massage; it wasn’t all that unusual for Cooper to touch him, he was a pretty hands-on kind of guy. The thing that was driving Josh crazy was that he wasn’t just reliving the feeling of Cooper’s hands on his shoulders and neck, he was wondering what those hands would feel like on other parts of him. Like his hair – that was a big one, which was weird because he’d never realized he could get off on the idea of someone touching his scalp.

There it was, though, and he had no idea what to do about it. He never would have guessed that his imagination could be quite so…vivid, for one thing, because in the past it had been pretty much limited to musings about his future and wondering what it would be like to finally live somewhere besides Indiana.

He’d just never thought of himself as a really sexual person, something that had worried him more than a little during high school. Pretty much all he knew about sex was what he’d seen on TV or heard about in the locker room at school, and until he met Rachel it had never been readily available. It blew his mind that she was willing to just sleep with him with no questions asked, so much so that he’d just assumed he had an obligation to her after they had sex.

If living with Cooper had taught him anything, it was that he didn’t have to date a girl just because she was willing to sleep with him, but by the time he figured that out he was already involved with Rachel. It came as a total shock to him when she dumped him, because one of the major changes he’d made after the school put him on probation was making more time for Rachel. It was pretty ironic that actually spending time with his girlfriend was the reason she decided to break up with him, especially considering she’d dumped him the first time for not spending enough time with her.

For awhile he’d tried convincing himself that the only reason he’d become fixated on Cooper’s hands was because he missed having a girlfriend. He was just inexperienced and lousy at relationships and he’d fixated on Cooper because nobody else had touched him in over a month. It sounded reasonable, and for awhile he almost managed to convince himself it was true. Then Cooper would put an arm around him or squeeze Josh’s shoulder in a way that used to seem completely innocent, and Josh was left wondering all over again what was happening to him.

There were other places he thought about Cooper’s hands touching him, those warm, strong fingers teasing him and sending shivers down his spine. He tried not to think about it, but it was hard to shut off his brain when he was so tired all the time from studying too hard. The fact that he’d spent most of Friday afternoon hard from thinking about his best friend was starting to scare him, but he wasn’t sure how to stop it.

One thing was for sure – he shouldn’t go out with Cooper for drinks. It didn’t matter that he’d promised, or that it had been at least a couple weeks since they’d done anything at all together. He knew Cooper would be disappointed at first, but as soon as he found someone else to go out with he’d forget all about Josh’s promise. Besides, their friendship was a lot more important than one night of drinking, and Josh was positive Cooper wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore if he knew what Josh had been thinking lately.

He just needed a little time to get over whatever was happening to him. Maybe it was just normal curiosity, maybe he was just getting a late start on stuff like that because he’d spent his entire high school career with his nose buried in some book. He hadn’t dated any of the girls in his high school, and as a result he still felt awkward and unsure of himself whenever he was around them. Even once he got to know Rachel – even after they slept together that first time – he never really felt completely comfortable with her, and he was starting to wonder if he ever would.

He’d had that same reaction to Cooper at first, especially when the first thing Cooper did was throw a party for an entire roomful of people neither of them knew. Then when Cooper had stretched out on Josh’s bed while he was still trapped under the covers in just his boxers. . .that wasn’t fair, though, because that was definitely nerves. He’d decided a long time ago that his initial, breathless reaction to his new roommate was the result of nerves and being half-naked in a roomful of strangers. It was like one of those dreams he had sometimes where he showed up at school naked, that was the only reason he’d reacted at all to the way Cooper stretched out on Josh’s bed and smiled at him.

And he’d have to remember to ask his psych professor about those dreams, because he was almost positive they meant something. Considering the thoughts that had been plaguing him lately he wasn’t all that sure he wanted to know what his subconscious was up to, but if there was a chance that all of this was just some reaction to the stress he’d been under lately he’d take it. That had to be it, because the only other explanation was one he really, really didn’t want to deal with.

He was still blushing at that thought when the door to their room opened and Cooper walked in, his cheeks flushed from the cold air and his eyes lit up in that smile that usually made Josh nervous. Only because it usually meant Cooper was up to something, Josh reminded himself. It had nothing to do with Cooper himself or the strange feelings that Josh hadn’t been able to shake yet.

"Josh," Cooper said as soon as he walked in, and Josh knew his imagination was playing horrible tricks on him because he could almost believe Cooper had somehow found a way to add a caress to the sound of his name. His name.

"Hey, Coop," Josh answered, refusing to meet his roommate’s gaze as he shuffled aimlessly through a pile of papers on his desk.

"You wanna go get something to eat? I’m starving," Cooper announced, tossing his bag onto his bed and crossing the room to look at Josh.

Josh could feel Cooper standing right behind him; he could feel the warmth radiating off the other boy, smell the mixture of expensive cologne and crisp winter air clinging to Cooper’s clothes. "I’m not that hungry," he said without turning around. "Listen, about tonight…"

That was as far as he got before a hand landed on his back, strong fingers applying gentle pressure at the base of his neck as Cooper leaned forward and hooked his chin over Josh’s shoulder. "You gotta eat, buddy. Can’t go out drinking on an empty stomach. You remember what happened the last time you did that."

Josh groaned, hoping Cooper would chalk it up to the memory and not the feeling of his best friend’s chest pressing against his back. It wasn’t the first time he’d felt Cooper so close to him, but it was the first time his imagination had ever associated Cooper standing so close to him with the way it would feel to have Cooper doing something else entirely. He barely managed to stifle a shudder when Cooper squeezed his shoulder and pulled away again.

"Exactly. Much as I enjoyed holding you up while you puked last time I don’t really want to do it again. So let’s go eat."

"Coop. . ." Josh trailed off with a resigned sigh as he watched his roommate slide his coat off and drop it on his bed.

He knew what he was supposed to find sexy: sheer, barely there lingerie; soft, feminine curves; perfectly airbrushed and posed naked actress wannabes in the skin rags the guys were always passing around in high school. He’d tried to want that, gotten as far as what he could only assume was passable sex with Rachel. But no matter how many times he told himself what was supposed to be sexy there was nothing quite like watching Cooper reach up to loosen his tie.

There had to be something wrong with him, because there was no way any normal person could find that sexy. At first he’d told himself it was just because Cooper seemed so much more sophisticated than Josh could ever dream of being. Selfish, narcissistic and needy, sure, but he had an air of self-confidence that drew people to him in a way that made Josh. . .no, he wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t, it was just that Cooper was his best friend and it was hard to watch him surrounded by people that wanted his attention. People that were a lot more interesting than Josh, and if he wasn’t careful he’d lose Cooper to some other best friend who was a lot more willing to go along with Cooper’s schemes than he was.

In the end Cooper made Josh’s decision for him by sliding an arm around his shoulders and grinning amiably as he guided his roommate toward the door. "This is exactly what you need, Josh. Tonight I’m gonna make you forget all about studying. You’ll see."

Josh prayed Cooper hadn’t caught his sharp intake of breath at the other boy’s words, stopping just short of rolling his eyes at himself as he let Cooper steer him toward the stairs that would take them to the cafeteria. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t going to get over whatever this thing was as easily as he’d hoped, but he couldn’t let Cooper see how uncomfortable he was. If his roommate figured out that Josh was brooding about something he’d just badger him about it until the truth came spilling out, and then Cooper wouldn’t be able to get away from him fast enough.

~

"You okay, Josh? You look a little wiped."

Josh looked up in time to watch Hank slide into the empty seat across from him, his gaze shifting automatically to the spot across the cafeteria where Cooper was still talking to some girl before he turned back to Hank again. "The usual, you know. Classes are tough this semester."

"Right, Cooper said you were stressed out about school."

Josh’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of his roommate’s name, and he stole what had to be the tenth glance at Cooper in the past two minutes. Only this time when he looked over Cooper was looking right at him, his mouth turned up in a half-grin that did things to Josh’s stomach he wasn’t going to let himself think about.

"Yeah, gotta keep a B average or I lose my scholarship," he said, tearing his gaze away from Cooper to focus on the boy sitting across from him.

"You’re going out tonight, though, right? Cooper said you guys were coming to the bar with us."

"He’ll be there," Cooper answered before Josh even got his mouth open. He felt a hot blush creep into his cheeks as Cooper slid into the chair next to him. He had no idea how Cooper had made it across the cafeteria that fast, but he knew there was no way he could look at his roommate right now without giving away everything he was trying to keep to himself.

"What happened to your friend?" he heard himself ask, his temperature creeping up a degree or two as he realized he’d said it out loud. He hadn’t meant to sound quite so jealous, but he couldn’t take it back. If Cooper noticed the edge in Josh’s voice he didn’t acknowledge it, though, he just shrugged and picked up his fork.

"Who, that girl I was talking to? She’s nobody."

Josh stole a glance at his roommate, but Cooper was completely focused on his dinner. He stifled a sigh and turned back to his own food, reminding himself to stop imagining things that weren’t there before he got himself into trouble he couldn’t talk his way out of. He was pretty sure even Cooper couldn’t talk his way out of some of the thoughts that had run through Josh’s mind lately. Like Cooper leaning in to whisper something in his ear and punctuating whatever he was saying with a kiss to the side of Josh's neck. Or Cooper's tie hanging loose around his neck, like a built-in handle for Josh to grab hold of and haul him forward. . .

"Yeah. . .so that’s cool," Hank said, startling Josh out of his embarrassment long enough to look up and find Hank eyeing them both curiously. "That you guys are gonna be there tonight. It’s been forever since you two hung out with us."

"Three weeks," Cooper answered automatically. Josh’s eyes widened in surprise as he turned to look at his roommate only to find the other boy staring back at him. "You remember. The last time was three weeks ago Thursday. We went to that frat party and you left after like an hour."

Josh nodded mutely and turned back to his food, frowning down at what he assumed was chicken as he wondered why Cooper remembered so clearly the last time he and Josh had gone out together. He remembered that night too, it had been a few weeks since Rachel dumped him and Cooper had declared that he needed to get over it as he’d dragged Josh out of the dorm. Half an hour into the party Josh knew that standing around drinking flat beer wasn’t going to make him feel like any less of a loser, and watching Cooper hold court at the center of the living room hadn’t done anything to improve his mood.

He hadn’t thought until Cooper brought it up that his roommate had even noticed when Josh left. That thought had bothered him so much that night that he hadn’t been able to study when he got back to the dorm, he hadn’t been able to sleep or do anything except think about the fact that Cooper hadn’t even looked up when Josh left the party. If he’d known. . .but it didn’t matter that Cooper noticed, or even why he’d noticed. For all Josh knew someone at the party could have told him they saw Josh leaving, and Cooper was probably just annoyed with him for having such a hard time getting over Rachel.

Only he didn’t really miss her, at least not Rachel in particular. What he missed was feeling like he was part of something, half of some indestructible partnership that other people saw and envied. For the first few weeks after his so-called suicide attempt that was what it had felt like; he had Rachel back, and it was sort of funny that all their friends thought Josh and Cooper were really a couple.

Even that had made him feel special, because half the school had heard Cooper’s speech and they all knew. They knew who Josh was, and not just as Josh Miller, Screwed Up Suicidal Freshman. None of them even paid much attention to the suicidal part, because they were too busy thinking of him as Josh Miller, Cooper’s Best Friend. Or Cooper’s Boyfriend, depending on who they’d heard the story from. And the funny thing was that both titles were fine with Josh, as long as he got to be Cooper’s something.

"Josh."

"What? Oh," Josh said, blinking to clear the fog that was beginning to settle in his brain. "Sorry, what’d you say?"

"I asked you if you were gonna ditch me again tonight."

"No, of course not," Josh answered, his eyes wide as he tried to convince himself Cooper wasn’t staring at him accusingly. He was just kidding around, Josh was used to that from his roommate by now. "I didn’t even think you noticed when I left that party."

"Of course I noticed, Josh. You’re my best friend." A hand landed on the small of his back for one brief, heart stopping second, then it was gone and Cooper was smiling reassuringly. He managed a weak grin in return before he looked down at his dinner again, willing his stomach to stop turning long enough to hold down at least part of his meal. He had to find a way to stop reading into the myriad casual touches and smiles that came along with being Cooper’s best friend, because if he let his imagination run away with him he’d do something they’d both regret.

Still, it was hard to convince himself that there wasn’t something to the way Cooper’s hand had lingered on his back, fingers moving slowly as though he was trying to reassure Josh of something with a touch. Thinking that way made it hard to breathe, so he shook his head and pushed the thought as far back in his consciousness as it would go.

It wasn’t just that he was afraid of ruining his friendship with Cooper, although that was a pretty real possibility. Part of him couldn’t help wondering if those touches really did mean something; after all, Cooper didn’t go around rubbing the shoulders of all his friends. He reserved that kind of attention pretty much exclusively for Josh, at least as far as Josh knew. He didn’t even treat the girls he’d brought home with the affection he showed Josh, with them it was strictly sex and half the time he didn’t recognize them when he saw them on campus the next day.

With Josh every touch was intimate in a way that he’d never seen Cooper display toward anyone else in his life, and even if it was just because they knew each other so well there was no way he was imagining all of it. So there was a possibility that Cooper had. . .feelings. For him. And that was possibly the most terrifying thought he’d ever had, because if Cooper felt that way and Josh did too, then there was nothing stopping them from doing something about it.

Whenever that thought crossed his mind he felt a stirring in the pit of his stomach that had nothing to do with hunger or even fear, but it didn’t take him long to distract himself from his apparent attraction to his roommate. Even if Cooper did want him, and even though it was getting more and more difficult to deny that he wanted something from Cooper he shouldn’t even be considering, the fact remained that he knew less than nothing about how to go about getting it.

There was no way he could just bring it up in casual conversation; he couldn’t even think about it without blushing, and he knew he’d never get the words out without humiliating himself and making Cooper think he’d lost his mind. He could write it all down in a letter, but he’d never been very good with words and the thought of slipping a letter into Cooper’s stuff and wondering if he’d gotten it was too much. He’d have a heart attack before Cooper ever found it, or worse, Cooper would read it and just never say anything. There was no way he could pretend everything was fine after pouring out his. . .heart, he guessed, although he wasn’t even sure anymore.

He had no idea if wanting Cooper was the same as loving him. Sure, he loved Cooper, they were best friends and considering how much Josh put up with from his best friend there was no way he could not love him and still be his friend. There was a huge difference between love and being in love, though, he’d seen enough movies to figure out that much. The question was how to figure out which one he was feeling, and then figure out what he was supposed to do about it.

~

The bar was packed with a mixture of locals and college students, all of them crowded together to listen to bad music on the jukebox and drown their worries in cheap beer and shouted conversation. Josh was content – for the moment – to sit wedged into a booth between Cooper and Pickle, his best friend’s arm thrown casually around his shoulders. It was hard not to lean into the touch, to draw himself a little closer to Cooper’s side and maybe rest a hand on the other boy’s thigh. It just seemed like the natural response to the way they were sitting, but Josh knew that wasn’t what Cooper had in mind.

It would almost be worth it just to see Cooper’s reaction, to see if he’d play along just to get a rise out of the guys or if he’d pull away and ask Josh what the fuck he thought he was doing. He had a sneaking suspicion Cooper wouldn’t pull away, but he honestly couldn’t decide which response would make him feel better. Part of him wanted to do it just so he could be rejected, so he could laugh it off and tell Cooper he was just joking around. At least that way he’d know and he could finally stop obsessing about it, because the feelings weren’t going away anytime soon no matter how much he wished they would.

Another part of him was terrified of what would happen if Cooper responded the way Josh thought he might; if Josh rested a hand on his best friend’s thigh, ran his fingers along the seam of Cooper’s jeans and applied just a little bit of pressure in just the right spot. . .he wasn’t sure he was prepared for the reaction that could very well get him. Fantasizing about Cooper’s hands in his hair was one thing, but finding himself covered in turned on and very willing best friend was something else entirely.

A small sigh escaped his throat before he could stop it, followed almost immediately by a slight squeeze of his shoulder. He glanced at Cooper’s profile but the other boy was turned away from him, his eyes shining as he told some story that had everyone else at the table practically helpless with laughter. Josh had no idea what the story was about or how long he’d being zoning, but once again he was struck with the thought that he could get up and leave and no one would even miss him.

Only Cooper was very aware of his presence, at least if the barely perceptible squeeze of his shoulders meant anything at all. He supposed it could have been a coincidence, but it seemed pretty unlikely considering how close his mouth was to Cooper’s ear. A few minutes later Cooper finished his story and sat back, pulling Josh with him to lean against the worn upholstery covering the booth. The rest of the table was engaged in a lively conversation that Josh wasn’t even trying to follow, because he knew there was no way he’d be able to concentrate with Cooper so close to him.

They were sitting so close their thighs were pressing together, looking for all the world like a couple, and nobody at their table had batted an eye. Josh had always figured once he and Rachel got back together that their friends would figure out he and Cooper weren't really gay, but everyone at the table seemed to think it was perfectly natural for Josh and Cooper to practically cuddle while they listened to the conversation. His heart skipped a beat at the thought, and he stole a glance at his roommate’s profile. It was a little strange looking at Cooper from this close up, but he could see how completely relaxed his best friend was.

He could also see that they were close enough that all Cooper had to do was turn his head and they’d be kissing, a thought that made Josh’s stomach flip and blush rush to all sorts of inconvenient places. He swallowed hard and looked away quickly, desperately grateful for the sound of a throat clearing behind them. He didn’t even care who it was or what they wanted, as long as whoever it was got his mind off wanting to lick the side of Cooper’s jaw just to see what his skin tasted like.

As soon as he looked up he regretted not caring who it was, instantly recognizing the girl Cooper had been talking to in the cafeteria. "Hey, Cooper," she said, completely ignoring Josh’s presence as she leaned against the back of the booth and smiled down at his roommate. "I thought you said you had a date tonight."

"I do." Cooper answered without skipping a beat, and Josh watched the girl’s eyes widen as she glanced at him and then back at Cooper again.

"Oh. So you guys are like. . ."

"Where’ve you been?" Zeke interjected, joining the rest of their friends in laughing at the girl. "Josh and Cooper have been together since like first semester. Cooper saved Josh’s life and everything."

"Yeah, I told my uncle about that, he said it was the most romantic thing he’s ever heard," Jerry added.

"It really was." Zeke sniffed appreciatively while everyone else at the table ignored the girl staring open-mouthed at Cooper.

"But you’re not. . .I mean my friend Angela said she slept with you like a month ago. You can’t be gay," the girl stammered.

Josh barely heard the stammered protest or noticed the eyes turned toward him. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about any of this, if he had a right to be mad when he wasn’t even sure how he felt about Cooper. All he really knew was that if he didn’t get up and leave the bar he was going to do or say something he’d regret, and the last thing he needed to do was have a meltdown in front of all their friends.

As soon as the thought formed the hand on his shoulder moved to the back of his neck, and Josh looked over to find Cooper staring at him. "Josh, let me explain. . ."

"No," he hissed before he even realized he’d opened his mouth. He backed away from Cooper’s touch, shoving Pickle forcibly out of the booth as he scrambled to put distance between him and his roommate. "Pickle, I swear to God if you don’t move right now. . ."

The threat was unnecessary, though, because Pickle was already climbing out of his way as quickly as he could. He knew his cheeks were burning and he could only imagine what the rest of them were thinking, but he couldn’t make himself care. All he cared about was getting out of there before he embarrassed himself by bursting into tears. He’d never been so humiliated in his life, not even when the guys caught him and Cooper in the bushes and jumped to the conclusion that they were making out.

The fact that Cooper had used him left him with a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach, but that was nothing compared to the burning humiliation of knowing that every touch, every smile he’d misinterpreted had been an act. It was nothing, just Cooper’s way of making everyone think they really were sleeping together so that he could use Josh to get himself out of bad situations.

It was just like Cooper to do something like that, too, to tell some girl he wasn’t attracted to that he had a date with his roommate just so he wouldn’t have to tell her he didn’t want to use her for sex and then dump her. He drew his arms around his chest, shivering as the cold night air cut through his sweater. He’d forgotten his coat back at the bar, but there was no way he was going back there to get it. There was no way he could look at his best friend’s face again without screaming or crying or maybe even completely losing it for the first time in his life and punching Cooper square in the face.

It wasn’t fair, he knew it wasn’t fair because Cooper had no way of knowing how Josh felt. He’d never said anything, in fact he’d gone out of his way to pretend everything was normal. He’d gone so far out of his way to pretend he was fine that he couldn’t even blame Cooper for using him as an excuse, because it was his own fault for never saying anything. What was he supposed to say, though? What could he say when he didn’t even know until it was too late that his strange new feelings weren’t just going to go away?

And even now – even now he longed to go back, to rewind the last twenty minutes so he could feel Cooper’s arm around him one more time. Maybe he’d go along with it this time, pull Cooper a little closer and slide a hand along his leg. He could say he was just helping out his best friend, that Cooper should know by now how far Josh was willing to go for him.

He knew he should go back to the dorm. It was colder now that he’d had a few minutes to calm down, but he couldn’t make himself turn around and head back to their room. He knew Cooper would go back there, that he’d follow Josh and try to make things alright again. The problem was that there was nothing he could do to fix this, and Josh wasn’t sure he could go back to pretending they were just friends.

When he found himself on the bridge he stopped walking, leaning over the railing to watch the snow that had been falling since they got to the bar. The last time he’d been here had been to throw his medical career away; well, his stethoscope, anyway, and even though it was just a symbolic gesture it had felt pretty final at the time. Now he was saying goodbye to something else even more important, and he didn’t even have anything to sacrifice in some melodramatic ceremony.

"You promised you wouldn’t ditch me again."

The voice surprised him into looking up, but as soon as he saw Cooper walking toward him he frowned and looked down again. "What are you doing out here?"

"Looking for you," he answered as he stopped next to Josh and held out his coat. "You forgot this."

"Thanks." Josh didn’t quite meet Cooper’s gaze as he took the coat and slid it on, shivering a little as he wrapped it around him and waited for the material to warm him up. "You can get back to your audience now."

A heavy sigh was his only answer for a long moment, and part of him expected Cooper to walk away without another word. When his roommate didn’t move he looked over at him, his breath catching in his throat at the other boy’s expression.

"Look, Josh, I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have called it a date, and I shouldn’t have let the guys think we’ve been a couple all this time. I had to listen to them yelling at me for cheating on you for ten minutes before I could get out of there."

"They thought that anyway." Josh frowned and turned away from Cooper, running his hands through his hair as he stared down at the water. "That’s not why I left."

"So you’re not mad that they all think you’re my boyfriend?"

"No, Coop. I mean I don’t really get it, but they’ve thought that almost since they met us." He took a deep breath and forced himself to look up again, his heart twisting painfully in his chest when he met the other boy’s confused gaze. He knew if he told Cooper the truth that he was going to ruin everything between them, but he wasn’t sure he could go back to the way things were before their ‘date’. "I don’t know how to say any of this."

It wasn’t directed at Cooper so much as directly to God, but as soon as the words escaped his lips a familiar hand landed in his hair. And God, it felt as good as he’d imagined it would. Better, even, because Cooper’s fingers were grazing his scalp and Josh could feel warmth spreading from the skin under Cooper’s fingers through his entire body. Before he could stop himself he was leaning into the touch, and he knew it was now or never. The only problem was that he had no idea how to start.

"Josh. . ."

He shook his head to stop Cooper from interrupting, and the hand that was buried in his hair left as abruptly as it had appeared. He’d never expected to miss Cooper’s touch as much as he did in that moment; it left him suddenly colder and wondering if he’d be able to get the words out after all.

"I need to say this, Coop. Please." He turned to face his best friend, his breath catching in his throat at the mixture of confusion and barely concealed hope in Cooper’s eyes. He knew his own expression had to be showing all his confusion, because he felt like someone had reached directly into his brain and shaken it up like one of those cheap plastic souvenirs that made it snow on the Statue of Liberty. He wasn’t sure now what he’d imagined and what had been real, and he was terrified that he was about to throw away the best and worst thing that had ever happened to him.

"I think. . .I think I’m gay, Cooper." A long pause while he let that sink in, and when Cooper didn’t react he frowned in confusion. It was the first time he’d ever said it out loud, the first time he’d really let himself think it even and it felt strangely liberating to be able to say it. His roommate was still standing stock-still in front of him, though, and suddenly Josh wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea to do this so close to the edge of a bridge Cooper could easily throw him off. "And I think I want. . .you know, you. I understand if you don’t want to be my roommate anymore, but I couldn’t sit there and listen to you use me as an excuse to get out of going out with that girl. It. . .hurt, like Zeke was standing on my chest or something."

He stopped talking abruptly and waited, suddenly unable to look away from the other boy. He’d never said anything like that before, not even to Rachel back when he wanted to believe he meant it. He’d never felt so naked in his life, even when Cooper and 50 people Josh didn’t know poured into their room while he was in bed in his underwear. Nothing had ever been harder than standing there in front of his best friend waiting for the rejection he was sure was coming, and there was no way he could walk away until he knew for sure one way or the other.

"You think. So you’re not sure?"

Josh blinked back into reality, his lips slightly parted as he tried to focus on his best friend’s voice long enough to figure out what Cooper was asking him. "Well I’ve never. . .I mean I only started to figure it out a few days ago."

Cooper nodded slowly as though he was mulling over Josh’s explanation, then he took a step forward until he was barely a foot away from the other boy. Josh braced himself for impact, or maybe a friendly arm slung around his shoulders and Cooper’s laugh as he made a joke out of it. Suddenly and with everything in him Josh wanted Cooper to laugh – he wanted his best friend in the world to tell him he got the joke, that it was okay and he was forgiven for ditching Cooper in the bar again. He wanted more than anything for Cooper to pretend so that he could too, because as soon as he said it out loud he knew without a doubt that every word of it was true.

Cooper didn’t say anything, though. He didn’t punch Josh or knock him down or even smile. Instead he reached out and closed his hand around the front of Josh’s coat, took a final step forward and pulled Josh toward him. He barely had time to register his own shock before Cooper’s lips were on his, soft and searching and warmer than they had any right to be considering they were both covered in melting snowflakes. It took Josh a second to respond, but as soon as he realized what was happening his arms were around Cooper’s waist, holding on for dear life just in case Cooper came to his senses before Josh got a chance to commit the feeling of their mouths moving together to memory.

When he finally did let go it was only because he had to either stop kissing Cooper or give up breathing for good, but as soon as they broke the kiss all his doubts came rushing right back. Two seconds ago he’d been warm and deliriously happy and positive he’d never, ever get tired of kissing Cooper, but as soon as the other boy let go of him Josh wasn’t sure what they were doing anymore.

"Does that help?"

Josh blinked at the slightly amused tone of the other boy’s voice, thankful for the cold and darkness so Cooper wouldn’t see the humiliation staining his cheeks scarlet. It was bad enough to use him as an excuse to get out of a date, but to kiss him and then laugh at him was lower than he expected even Cooper to go. Especially after what Josh had just admitted. Cooper had to know it was true, and even if he didn’t he had to know that Josh was terrified at the prospect of rethinking his entire self-image.

"It’s not a goddamn joke, Cooper. I can’t believe you. I guess I should expect it by now, huh? You’re not happy unless you’re torturing me or getting me kicked out of school or keeping me awake all night fucking some girl you’re never even going to look at again."

The whole time he was talking he couldn’t believe he was saying any of it out loud, but he could tell by the look on Cooper’s face that the words were definitely coming out of his mouth. He felt sick, like he’d been punched in the stomach. He almost wished Cooper would hit him, or do something besides stand there staring at him like he’d never laid eyes on him before. When he finally stopped to suck in a lungful of too-cold air he choked, his face red and his chest aching when he finally caught his breath again.

It wasn’t until he stopped choking that he realized Cooper’s hand was on his back again, moving in soothing circles as he waited for Josh to breathe. When he stopped coughing he looked over at his roommate, expecting the other boy to say something defensive and pull away. Cooper didn’t pull away, but his hand left Josh’s back to rest on the warm skin at the back of his neck. "Josh, if I’d known. . .I swear to God, if I’d known I never would have brought one girl back to the room. I wouldn’t have fucked any of them, the only reason I did was because I didn’t think I could have the one person I did want."

"What are you talking about?" Josh’s voice sounded as raw as his throat felt, but he couldn’t make himself care. He was caught between wanting to push Cooper off him and wanting to melt into the familiar touch, pull Cooper closer and kiss him just one more time before he had to walk away forever.

"The first day I met you I watched you trip over yourself trying to impress Rachel. It was normal and at the time I didn’t know you so I even thought it was kinda cute. Then I got to know you and I couldn’t figure out what the hell you were doing with Rachel, but I figured it was too late. There was nothing I could do about it, and it seemed to bug you that the guys thought you and I were a couple. I didn’t sleep with any other guys because it felt too much like I was cheating. We were just friends – hell, you had a girlfriend – and I still felt like I was cheating on you."

It wasn’t the longest speech Cooper had ever made; Josh had been a captive audience for much longer and far more rambling speeches, as a matter of fact. But it was the first genuine glimmer of hope he’d ever felt that Cooper could really have meant that kiss, and when he got to the part about other guys Josh was almost sure he understood what his best friend was trying to say.

"So you. . .all this time you knew? And you never said anything?"

"I didn’t know shit, Josh. I just wanted you. Do you know why I knew where to find you tonight?" He stopped talking and looked at Josh, one eyebrow cocked as he waited for an answer. Finally Josh shook his head, praying to whoever was listening that this was going where he hoped it was going. "I came here because this was where it all started. That night we met Rachel and her roommates for drinks and we all came out here after, you and I had our first real conversation that night. I mean not just bullshitting about school and girls and stuff. It was the first time we ever really talked, you know? And I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you more than I've ever wanted to kiss anybody that night, but then Rachel asked you to walk her home and the next day you were so far gone on her I'm surprised you remembered where we lived."

"Why didn't you?" Josh asked, the sound of his own voice surprising him. "I mean you always just go for whatever you want."

"Because I liked you, Josh. I didn't want to fuck things up with you in front of witnesses." Cooper smiled back at him, his free hand landing on Josh’s cheek to stroke cold skin. "It’s fucking freezing out here. Can we finish this at home?"

Josh nodded mutely, but as soon as Cooper started to pull away he reached out and grabbed the other boy’s coat. He hauled Cooper forward awkwardly, ignoring his own lack of finesse in favor of finishing what he’d started before he lost his nerve. Cooper complied instantly, his hands on either side of Josh’s face to hold him in place as their lips met again. A warm tongue urged Josh’s lips apart, and he swallowed a groan as he tasted Cooper.

When they parted again Josh smiled nervously and looked down at the other boy’s chest. "I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I just thought you should know that."

Cooper’s hand moved from his cheek to his chin, gently lifting Josh’s face until their gazes locked. "I already knew that, Josh. I’m still your best friend, remember?"

"So you’re okay with that? I mean we’re talking totally clueless. Without a clue. Not that I haven’t thought about it, but even my imagination’s kind of limited."

Cooper grinned and slid his arm around Josh’s waist, guiding him in the direction of the dorm. "Don’t worry about it, Josh. I’ll take care of everything." He had a feeling those words coming from Cooper’s mouth should make him nervous, but for the first time since they met he was content to let Cooper take complete control.

 

end

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Caroline Crane.
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