Work Text:
Pitching Woo
by Anne Marsh
"I guess it depends on whether they're in the arctic or the jungle-- You know, home field advantage."
"Well, here, innit?" Charlie snorted.
"Then Panther. He's got trees and heat going for him. Even in a clearing, it's gotta be Panther."
"Unless Polar Bear gets him down by the water. Then Polar Bear's got the edge."
"Are you guys still talking about that?" Sawyer aked. "There ain't even-- Look, I made it all up out of my head!"
"Yeah, as I have always known." Charlie rolled his eyes.
"The debate remains valid." Hurley said serenely.
"Look... I hate to say this-- I mean, I *really* hate to say this-- but I could use some... some help." He grimaced. "See, I'm a man accustomed to getting what he wants one way or another. So I've never run into a situation like this..."
"We'll help."
"What do you do when you want someone, and I mean *bad*, and you can't get anywhere with 'em?"
"Well, I usually start by making a sandwich."
"You make her a sandwich?"
"Dude, why would I share my delicious sandwich with the girl who broke my heart? In case you haven't noticed, I'm an eater. I replace love with food and stuff."
"Well, I was lookin' more for the helpful kind of suggestion. One that don't involve giving up?"
"Then I'm out."
"Man, just serenade her. Chicks dig that stuff."
"Easy for you to say." Hurley sighed. "You're a rock star."
"Will that work on anyone?"
"Oh, yeah. Not a woman alive can resist a grand romantic gesture like the serenade."
"It'll work on anyone? Charlie, *anyone*?"
"Yeah, anyone."
"Charlie," Sawyer struck what seemed to be a fitting 'action hero who means business' pose. "It's time to get the Led out."
"Uh, I'm *acoustic*. Makes 'Stairway' sound a bit crap, but if I may suggest 'Something' by the Beatles,"
"Like what?"
"Naw, 'Something'. That's the song? By George Harrison? You know, something in the way she moves me?"
"No, it's 'Kashmir' or nothing. You know 'Kashmir', right?"
"Uh..."
"I do." Hurley raised his hand. "Um, but not on guitar."
"I know 'Whole Lotta Love'." Charlie offered.
"No, it's really gotta be 'Kashmir'. I was thinking it could maybe-- *maybe*-- be 'Back Door Man', but..."
"I didn't know Kate was digging on the Zep."
"This ain't for her." Sawyer grumbled. "Kate and me are through."
"Zooming on the new girl?" Hurley asked.
"You telling me you don't know 'Kashmir'?" Sawyer ignored him.
"Sorry."
"Well that blows."
Charlie's eyes narrowed. "You dead set on that one song, mate?"
"Well, 'Back Door Man' is definitely pushing things a little, you know?"
"Uh, Sawyer, where is Kashmir, anyway? That's like, Persian, yeah?"
"How should I know?" He bristled. "Look, forget it. I ain't singing, it was a stupid idea."
"Sure, man, whatever you say."
"Aw, I thought it was a cool idea. I thought maybe we could make some percussion instruments, like out of coconuts? And form a backup band."
"No thanks. Jin'd be singin' in Korean, and don't nobody want to see you shakin' your groove thing."
"Well-- well we don't want to help ou get laid anyway."
Sawyer sighed, watching Hurley walk off.
"Man, way to be a dick." Charlie shook his head.
"Yeah, I know..."
"So... you're on the fence?"
"Huh?"
"Batting for both sides."
"You don't think I got it bad for the parachute princess?"
"Nope, I think you got it bad for the Arab MacGuyver."
"Tell anyone, and I smother you with an airplane pilow."
"Hey, relax. I'm not a narc." Charlie laughed. "So did you tell him?"
"No. Do I look stupid? And don't answer that, Chuckles. No, I can't just *tell* him."
"Why not? You don't think he spends enough of his time just watching you?"
Sawyer's head snapped up. "Watching me?"
"Looks away every time you look up."
"Maybe 'cause he doesn't trust me. Not 'cause he-- not 'cause of that."
"I've seen him touch his hair when he does it, too. Do people usually preen to display their distrust of you?"
"Not usually, no."
"You should talk to him. But, um... maybe without the serenading."
"You think?"
---/-/---
"Sayid! Hey, Sayid, I wanna talk to you for a minute!"
He paused, wary. "I suppose I have a minute. No nicknames today? Lose another game of ping-pong?"
"No, just..." He sighed. "This is harder wih a guy..."
"What is?"
Sawyer slid one hand around the back of the other man's neck, buried under the fall of ink-black curls. "Askin' you out. Well, not 'out', I mean, there's no restaurants or movie theaters... like, 'Chez Castaway', or 'Island Cineplex', but, you know... askin' you 'in', I guess."
"This isn't funny." Sayid pulled away.
"You see me laughin'?"
"I knew you were a bastard, Sawyer. But you didn't have to be such a tremendous one."
"Hey, I can't help bein' tremendous. What are you goin' on about?"
"This-- this *charade*. It debases both of us. You coud have just-- let me alone, you could even have said that I disgust you. I disgust myself. But I can only keep myself from acting on it, I cannot keep myself from feeling it. For once can't you just be *decent* and leave me my dignity?"
"Wait, you think I--"
"You are not as stupid as you sometimes act. And I... I have tried to be subtle, but... clearly I have failed. So if you want to make fun of me, all right, sy your piece and go. But I will not be humiliated."
"Sayid!"
Sayid disappeared between the trees, and Sawyer chased after him.
"What do you want?"
"Well, you, for starters!"
"Stop it, Sawyer! I don't want-- I don't want to play your childish games. Not now. Not... not this."
"Oh, and goin' off into the big scary jungle mad is a good solution for any problem." He snorted. "Will ya just listen to me?"
"That depends greatly on what you have to say, doesn't it?"
Sawyer took a deep breath. This was not going at all how he expected. Not only was it not his best-case scenario, it wasn't even his worst-case scenario. And in a way, he'd've rather had Sayid hit him.
"Look, I don't know why you think I have to be making fun of you. Well, okay, I guess I can come up with a few educated guesses why you'd think that. But I'm not."
Sayid turned away, and Sawyer grabbed his wrist.
"If you want to keep that hand, you'll remove it from me, right now. I'm in no mood to play around."
"Okay, okay. Geez. What, you still don't believe me?"
"How can I?"
"You think-- what? That I'm gonna yank the football away at the last second?"
"I think... you cannot love me. I'm going to go somewhere right now, and I am asking you not to follow me."
"Will you come back?"
"Yes. Before nightfall." He nodded, kept his back to Sawyer, his head down. "I am not running away. But I need to spend some time without you."
"Touche." Sawyer sighed. "Look, will you-- will you just think about it?"
"Yes. I do not think that I can avoid thinking about it. I have not been able to avoid thinking about it for... for some time. But I still do not intend to act on it. If you want to fool around with a man, I suggest you start looking elsewhere."
Sayid slipped away, and this time, Sawyer let him go. He had some thinking of his own to do.
FIN