SquidgeWorld Archive

Iolaus learns a lesson or two.
by Adalisa
marioz@spin.com.mx  

Aphrodite frowned, as she steped inside her temple in Tirene. It was not a big temple, since Tirene was under Hephasteus' protection, but still it was a good place to stay from time to time. She liked the people at Tirene, who always had a nice offering for her.

However, the latest prayers she had been getting were positively weird.

First there was the fact that she had been hearing this mixed prayers for her and Ares, and _that_ was totally a first. That someone would pray for Love and War at the exact same time was curious, to say the least.

Still, that was not enough to make her do a personal visit.

No. What really caught her eye was the fact that some of her favorite and lest favorite people were reunited in Tirene... and they didn't seem happy enough for her taste.

And although she had promised not to interfere with her half-brother's life... that didn't stop the Goddess of Love from interfering with her half-brother's friends' life.

Giggling, she decided to start her invisible visits with Hercules and Iolaus, just to get a general idea of what she was getting into before visiting the rest.

* * *

In the room that Hercules and Iolaus were sharing, Aphrodite could almost see the tension building up. It didn't take Athenea to know that something was eating her brother, and that that something had to do with Sweetcheeks.

Unfortunately, since Iolaus was asleep, she couldn't eavesdrop any conversation.

"I can see you, 'Dite." Hercules told her, his eyes somewhat tired.

"Hi, brother!" Trying to sound innocent, the Goddess waved her hand. "I just came to see how you and Blondie were doing."

"No, you didn't." Usually, Hercules had a lot more patient with his favorite sister, but this time, he had been suffering Iolaus' impersonation of her all day, and thus, his patience was strained. "Look... Aphrodite... Why are you here?"

Pouting, the beautiful goddess tried to look stern. "You're not fun, Hercules. I just was paying some attention to my worshipers. Really!"

"In our room? In case you haven't noticed, there isn't an orgy here."

"And whose fault it is?" The sarcasm in Hercules' voice passed unnoticed by the goddess, who was more intent on getting a better look of Iolaus. When she realized that it was futile, she blow a kiss to her brother and disappeared in a cloud of golden petals.

* * *

Autolycus and Joxer were sharing a room, and the thief couldn't sleep. He was wide-awake, trying to rethink his strategy towards Iolaus and his cousin, Iolae.

Because now he also wanted to get Iolae. And he had the impression that Iolaus would not appreciate him moving on to his cousin. "What do you think of her?"

"Iolae? She is..." Joxer paused, trying to find the right word to describe the female warrior. He still was reeling over the impression that she had made, almost forgetting that Gabrielle had been there. _Almost_, because the bard whom he loved with all his heart had managed to insult him again even when Iolae's kind words had managed to ease a little of that pain. "... Different."

"She's a challenge." Autolycus smiled, content on knowing that he was not the only one dazzled by the girl's charms.

Joxer open his mouth to object, having noticed that the thief was thinking on adding Iolae to his long list of conquests, but choose to say nothing. After all, he knew he didn't had a chance against Autolycus on the game of love and somehow trusted Iolae to see through the other's ploy.

Aphrodite had been listening to the whole exchange and frowned. She liked Joxie, even when she had had her bad experiences around him. The fact that the nice man insisted in following Ares' worship even when nothing good ever happened to him infuriated the gorgeous goddess, and thus had used the mortal in numerous games just to show him what he was missing.

In the other hand, she did not had such a soft spot for the thief, even when he was something to look at and he had a knack to get her sisters angry. But that was not enough to forgive him for playing with a girl's heart. Aphrodite thought that he had learned his lesson after Cupcake, but apparently he hadn't. If that was so, then the goddess would protect his new prey from all his charm.

Whoever the girl was.

* * *

"Xena... will you _please_ stop scowling?"

Aphrodite giggled. She still didn't like the bard, and whenever Gabrielle had troubles, the Goddess of Love felt happy. It was especially fun to see her in troubles with Xena... the two were the most impossible couple on Aphrodite's book. The signals were all there, but when it came to action... Nothing ever happened.

"I am _not_ scowling. Go to sleep, Gabrielle. We'll go tomorrow, _really_ early." No matter what Xena said, it was plain to see that she was mad. The warrior was sitting on the only chair of the room, busy polishing her sword. When she finished, she pulled out her chackran, and began the same excruciating process, without looking at her partner.

"You're mad because Iolae was the hero of the day." Gabrielle sat on the bed, and looked at her friend, knowingly. After all, she had been at Xena's side for long enough to read all her moods.

"I couldn't care less for that little liar."

At this, Aphrodite grew more interested. She still didn't know who this 'Iolae' was, but the fact that four people she personally knew were talking about her at the same time made her more important.

"What do you mean? She was not lying!" Now, the bard looked genuinely insulted. Almost as if someone had insulted her. "You're just angry because she's such a good fighter, and because thanks to the way she dresses no one even looked at you in the tavern."

"I couldn't care less for the way she 'almost' dresses!" Now the arguing was so loud, that Aphrodite was sure that everyone in the Tavern could heard them... and to stop them from waking Iolaus, she muffled the sound with a wave of her hand. She had gotten really intrigued by this 'Iolae' person.

* * *

It was very early in the morning when Iolaus walked into the forest near Tirene. He had taken advantage in the fact that Hercules was still asleep to find a worthy piece for the offering he had promised to Aphrodite the day before. He knew first hand that it was no good to anger the gods.

It was a sunny morning, which suited Iolaus perfectly. If it had been raining, he would have had to hunt as Iolae, and after dinner, he wasn't really looking forward to spend more time in his female form.

Because now he was sure that Autolycus had been planning something.

When he arrived to the tavern, he had looked at the group with mock surprise and joined them for a small chat before going to sleep, only to hear that Hercules had been right... Autolycus and Gabrielle were too interested in Iolae. And to make things worse, the thief seemed also interested in him.

Of course, that could be used to his advantage if he really wanted to find out what was the thief doing with Circe in the first place.

But it was not the moment to think about that. Before putting any plan in action, he had to fulfill his promise and find a suitable prey to offer in the temple of Aphrodite.

Unfortunately, the only game he had seen so far were rabbits, and he wasn't sure that it would please the goddess... Sure, they were cute and fuzzy... and perhaps would look cuter if someone dyed them pink but even so, it didn't sound like a proper offering.

Distracted by those thoughts, the hunter crossed a patch of bushes only to find that those marked the end of a small creek that ended in a very cold lake...

PART TWO

Ares was getting frustrated. He had been watching Tirene all night, looking for Iolae without results. The God of War still hadn't thought of a definite plan to get the blonde girl, but even so, he was sure that an introduction was in order. That way, he could see her by himself, and his brother and Xena would know he was interested in Iolae.

However, Iolae had seemingly disappeared from Tirene while Ares was not watching.

Frustrated with the lack of result, the God of War decided to turn every single rock in Greece until he found the blonde again. Starting with the forest.

"Who was the stupid nymph who decided to put a lake here?!" The highly infuriated voice pulled Ares out of his rage and turned his attention to the nearby lake, where he could see the girl of his latest obsession walking out of the water, soaking wet.

If possible, she looked even more beautiful with her clothes clinging to her skin, her bare chest glowing under the sun as she tired to dry her vest.

"It is not wise to call them stupid. Nymphs can hold a grudge for a long time." Ares leaned on a nearby tree, making himself visible to the mortal girl. However, her reaction was certainly not what he expected.

"ARES?! What are you looking for here?" As she spoke, the girl assumed a defensive position that Ares had seen somewhere else... Only that for the moment he couldn't pinpoint where.

"You." Ares' smile grew, noticing that even when she was obviously furious, she had not thought on covering herself more. Indeed, this rare wild jewel was for him. "I'm glad to see you have even more spirit than the one you showed at the tavern yesterday."

"Don't play games with me, Ares... I know you know who am I!" Or so Iolaus' hoped. After all, gods were supposed to be able to read people's minds. If Ares was playing dumb, he was not going to follow that lead.

He had enough troubles as it was with Autolycus and Gabrielle.

"If you mean that you're the cousin of that annoying hunter that hangs around my brother, yes, Iolae I know who you are." Ares walked towards her in the most non-aggressive way that a god of War could achieve. Granted, it was not a very peaceful way, but he was trying. Unlike his father, Ares was a firm believer of seduction, and he was going to be very careful with this one.

Sure, the blonde huntress could not be a match for his godly strength, but Ares had the feeling that she could be as troublesome as Xena if he played his cards wrong.

Iolaus, for his part, only blinked. Apparently Ares was being truthful, which in his book was almost a first... And that put himself in a worse situation, if possible.

Because as a man, he drew the unwanted attention of the violent god as a means to get to Hercules... as a woman...

Things could get really ugly.

He grabbed his knife, and tried to walk away from the lake while avoiding Ares. "Stay away! I don't want anything to do with you!"

However, the god simply disappeared to appear behind him and touch lightly her bare arms. "What if I just told you I want to talk? You're a very intriguing mortal, and I was curious..."

"No thanks!" This time, Iolaus was starting to get scared and for the first time since the whole ordeal began was very conscious of his half naked state. "I know very well what happens when a mortal gril gets any of your family 'attention'!"

"I am not like my father." Ares' eyes shadowed, and the hunter knew immediately that he had made a mistake... after all, in all the time he had known Hercules, both had known that Ares did not took girls by force.

"Look... I'm sorry, o.k.? I'm nervous, this is news to me... And I really have to get going..." Without a pause, Iolaus took a couple of steps backwards, putting on his vest to see if with her body covered he felt safer. "Why don't we talk about this later?" **Shit, oh shit... Where's Herc when I really, really need him?... Or Xena?... Tartarus, I would settle with Autolycus!**

"You weren't this shy yesterday at the tavern." Ares stated, as he followed her, his scowl replaced with a smirk. "I think that blushing does suit you..."

Iolaus thought of running away, but dismissed the idea because he knew that the god could materialize himself at his side anyway... There was the possibility of crying for help, but if some other than Hercules heard him, he would be jumping from the frying pan to the fire.

On the other hand, he had been able to keep Autolycus away... How much harder could it be to keep a god away?

"They had hurt a friend of mine." Regaining some composure, Iolaus watched the god straight in the eye. He had faced the god of War many times ever since he had meet Hercules, and this time was no different. He just had to keep that in mind. "I don't start fights just for the pleasure of it."

"But you did felt pleasure on the fight." Before Iolaus could think of an answer, Ares was at her side again, lifting her chin. Iolaus had done that many times to recognize the gesture for what it was, and know that for some strange reason the god was giving him a chance to run away... and that if Ares was doing that it was because he really didn't know that the girl in his arms was Iolaus and...

And all conscious thoughts fled his mind when Ares' lips brushed hers. All intentions of resistance or running away were simply forgotten as the God of War embraced her body, pushing it closer to him...

Iolaus had always considered himself a great kisser, but the shock of being kissed by his best friend's worst enemy made him a little unresponsive until he felt Ares' tongue teasing her lips, trying to pry them open with seduction rather than with force... That made Iolaus' remember what he was doing, and not only did he open her mouth, but also let her tongue flicker out to meet the gods, loosing himself in the sensation, drowning in a wave of desire.

Until he remembered he had to breathe.

And when he saw the triumphant smirk on Ares's face as they parted, lust turned into rage. The god had no right to believe that he had won so easily! Even if the kiss had made his insides burn. Especially because of that...

Before Iolaus could talk himself out of it, he slapped Ares, as hard as he could. "How dare you?!"

"I am a god, I am entitled to do _whatever_ I want." Ares' voice was a low purr that sent shivers down Iolaus' spine, so the hunter did not realized when the god laid her down in the grass...

It was then when Iolaus knew that he was in trouble, that no one could save her...

And that he wasn't sure if he wanted to resist.

"Oh, no! You don't!!" The high-pitched voice was accompanied of a shower of golden petals around the couple, and both God and cursed mortal turned to see the new arrival.

Aphrodite was staring at them, a half scowl in her pretty face.

"What are _you_ doing _here_, 'Dite?" Ares was the first one to react, while Iolaus was trying to overcome the shock of the morning events.

"This girl is under _my_ protection, Ares. Don't even dare to touch her." Aphrodite seemed to be talking seriously, something not common on her, so the God of War stood. He looked more menacing than the goddess, and was very confident to be able to shoo his older sister/ex-lover away in seconds.

Iolaus probably was thinking the same thing, as he kept her eyes fixed on the gods, ready to take any distraction as an opportunity to run away. He didn't like to run away from any challenge, but the hunter knew when the odds were against him and he wasn't really looking forward to become Ares' latest mortal fling.

"Since when is she under your protection?" Ares was sounding too calm for Iolaus' taste. Almost condescending. And he had raised a very good point. If 'Dite knew that the blonde girl was in fact him, it was not true. He might be in good terms with the goddess but Iolaus knew that it wasn't enough to warrant being under her wing. On the other hand, if 'Dite was as clueless as Ares regarding his identity, it didn't made any sense.

"Since she got half the town praying to me." With those words, Aprhodite waved her hands, and suddenly Iolaus' found himself sitting on the cold floor of a temple.

* * *

A couple of minutes later, Aphrodite herself appeared, surrounded of golden petals and, as Iolaus' gratefully noted, alone.

"Ah... Thanks..." he began, wondering if he should tell the goddess the truth, or at least part of it before something else happened.

"Shush! I wouldn't have done that if I didn't really need your help. My brother is pretty smitten on you, you know? That number in the tavern must have got him... And why do you dress like _that_? A pretty girl like you shouldn't look like a man... MMm... Look, there!" The goddess said all that without stoping to breathe, which made perfect sense, since she was a goddess. But even so, Iolaus felt uncomfortable knowing that for some reason, no one seemed to recognize him in a female body

And he felt even more uncomfortable when he discovered that Aprhodite's last words had been accompanied by a complete change of wardrobe for him.

Now, instead of his pants, he was wearing something close to a skirt, that left her legs uncovered, and matched the soft sandals on her feet, his vest had been replaced by a soft shirt, knotted at the front just below her breasts, and her hair had been pulled up in a tail. His amulet was still there, but it had been turned into a more feminine necklace that only kept the original design. Aphrodite had also added a touch of red in her lips, and blue shadow over her eyes... All of this he could see in a mirror conveniently placed behind him, and for the first time he realized _Why_ Hercules, Autolycus and even Ares were acting strange around him.

He really was something to look at as a she.

More the reason to dislike what he was seeing. "Look... not to sound disrespectful or anything but... I'd like my clothes back, 'Dite..."

"No sense... This looks much better on..." Suddenly, the goddess's eyes shadowed and he realized how he had called her. Not many mortals had that grade of familiarity with any god. He closed her eyes, waiting for punishment, whatever it might be from the Goddess of Love... but when nothing came, he dared to take a peck... To find Aphrodite still watching her intently. "_SWEETCHEEKS?!!_"

Iolaus let out a breath that he didn't know he had been holding, immensely relieved that finally someone had recognized him. Even when now he had to explain. "Hi, 'Dite... You are not going to believe this..."

Trying not to look at the mirrors around, Iolaus explained to Aphrodite all that had happened since he and Hercules had gone to save Autolycus from Argos and Circe. By the time he got to his fall into the cursed pond, the goddess was trying to stop a giggle from coming out. And, now that he could look at it from the distance, Iolaus could see why it was funny. Of course, he would appreciate it better if he hadn't had to take Autolycus and Ares' maybe unwanted attentions.

"So... hot water changes you back, uhu?" Waving her hand, Aphrodite conjured a hot light shower over the hunter. However, she did not change his clothing, and thus, Iolaus was greeted with the sight of his normal self still dressed like a girl...

And he still couldn't understand why no one had recognized him. He really didn't look that different, male or female.

"'Dite... Can you... ah... give me my clothes back?"

"No! This is fun!" Suddenly, Iolaus felt a cold splash over him, followed by a hot splash, then a cold splash again... Of course, someone with endless powers would decide to have fun at the expense of his curse. A lucky thing was that he didn't feel any pain or something with each change, so by the time Aphrodite decided to stop he really didn't know in which form he was until he checked the mirror and saw a very damp female staring back.

"You said you needed my help for something..." He began, trying to change the subject or at least distract the goddess so she would stop playing with the water.

"Oh... yeah..." She stopped smiling, and pouted. "But if you're not a girl, you can't help me with Joxie and Autolycus..."

Hearing the name of the thief whom he blamed for all his misery, Iolaus looked up and smiled. "'Dite... you saved me from Ares... I owe you one. What is the problem?"

* * *

It was well past breakfast when Iolaus returned to Tirene, carrying a couple of rabbits with him. Curiously, Aphrodite wanted to try his 'pink' rabbits idea, and thus he had decided to caught some for her after leaving her temple.

As soon as he got to the inn, the very worried face of Hercules, followed by Autolycus, Joxer and Gabrielle greeted him. Xena was still scowling, but that was to be expected. For what 'Dite said, the warrior princess was not fond of 'Iolae' and didn't want to stay to see if they saw her again.

Which took him of course to the first part of the goddess' plan.

"Where were you, Iolaus? I kept looking for you all over... "

"And there is no sign of Iolae who said she was..."

"Of course we told Hercules she shouldn't be alone..."

"...Xena was thinking on leaving, but Gabrielle wouldn't go until she found you or..."

"I was hunting, and lost track of the time, Herc." Iolaus smiled, having some fun at hearing his four friends speaking at the same time, about almost the same subject. "And Iolae's fine... She went back to her parents' house early today."

Hercules seemed to calm with that explanation, and so did Joxer who was mostly worried about Xena's bad mood and how it would affect Gabrielle. However, neither Autolycus nor the bard were appeased by that short answer.

"But she said she was going to stay here for a while!" The bard whined, and Iolaus found himself feeling a little sorry for her. After all, she really liked her as a friend, and had no wish to hurt her... But he did not had any interest in her.

"Something came up, Gabrielle... She was sorry to leave so soon..."

"Oh, was she?" Xena had come closer to them, and was watching Iolaus with the same expression that a hawk had while watching it's prey. He had known the day before that Xena did not believed his story about 'Iolae's life, and that any mistake he did would probably put him under her wrath.

"Yeah." Of course, now he had a slight advantage, and he planned to use it fully. When he agreed to help Aphrodite, she had given him a little gift. No one would recognize him as his female form unless he choose to tell them, or they were holding him when he changed. A very useful gift. "She also asked me to tell you all she hopes to see you again..."

"Really?" This time it was Autolycus the one who interrupted him, flashing his cocky grin. But now, Iolaus knew exactly why it was so, and as a true ladies man, he knew which cards to play.

"Really. She is looking forward to see Joxer again..." At this, the expressions of his friends became priceless. All his friends looked shocked, even Joxer. And that was exactly what Aphrodite wanted.

Even when Iolaus was not exactly happy to play with his friends in female form, he had agreed with Aphrodite that Joxer was a good man, but a misguided one. Not only he had that absolute conviction of becoming a warrior, which in itself was very dangerous to Joxer, but he had also fallen completely in love with Gabrielle... who was downright cruel with him. She was Iolaus' friend, but the hunter had seen how the bard treated Joxer the night before, and that had been the reason why he had accepted to help Aphrodite. Joxer would be much better if he fell in love with someone else.

Someone who could return his feelings... And he and 'Dite were going to help him find that person.

"Oh... she... ah... how... wow...." Joxer seemed completely flustered, and inwardly, Iolaus smiled. It was little what he could do, but it was nice to do something for him. After all he _had_ tried to defend him.

Sure, he still had to deal with Hercules's stare and Xena's obvious distrust... but that could come later.

Iolaus simply turned around to grab Autolycus by the neck, and smiled at the thief. "And you... stay away from my cousin."

The End
Iolaus learns a lesson or two