SquidgeWorld Archive

Moment of Forgiveness
by Caroline Crane
caroline_crane@hotmail.com

Before he even set out for Thebes Joxer questioned what he was doing; the moment he rounded the first bend in the road and left the soft glow of the fire behind him he wondered if it was wise to act on such a rash decision. It hadn't been that long, after all, and he couldn't expect to put Ares out of his mind completely in just a few days. Given enough time he wanted to believe that he could forget what almost happened between them, but try as he might to believe that, he knew it wasn't true.

Leaving Ares behind hadn't gotten any easier in the past few days because he wouldn't let it; there was a tiny part of him that clung tightly to the knowledge that Ares cared for him, maybe as much as he ever had. As much as he wanted to hate the god he'd worshipped his whole life he couldn't do it, not when he remembered the way Ares smiled at him or the way he touched Joxer as though he was afraid a single touch might break him. And Joxer felt broken, but it had nothing to do with the way Ares had touched him. It was the knowledge that no matter how much he wished he could just leave the past in the past and move on, he'd never be able to stop regretting what he'd given up.

He needed to talk it all out with someone who would understand, and even though he knew Strife and even Aphrodite meant well, there was really only one person who would understand completely. And it felt strange to be seeking out the very person he'd run from so that he could talk about how much it hurt to walk away, but somehow he had a feeling that Ares would understand. Maybe he wanted to talk just as much as Joxer did, if for no other reason than so they could finally put the past to rest, and if he didn't want to talk at least Joxer would know that he was listening. It wasn't the same as talking it out together, but at least it was something. He just needed to tell Ares what he'd been thinking since he found out the truth, then he could finally put it all behind him and move on.

The sun was coming up when he finally caught sight of Thebes on the horizon, his heart picking up speed as the city gate came into view. He'd spent most of the night trying to come up with something to say once he got to Ares' temple, but so far he hadn't thought of anything that didn't sound ridiculous. He didn't even have an offering to make; it hadn't seemed like the kind of situation that would require one, but the closer he got to the temple the more aware he was of how his visit would look to the priests. It all seemed so unlikely that he was tempted to turn around and forget the whole thing, but he knew if he did that he'd just torture himself until he finally found his way right back to where he was standing.

It didn’t matter where he went, because no matter what town or village he found himself in there would always be a temple nearby. There would always be some reminder of what he was trying to forget; even looking at Xena reminded him of what he’d lost, so there was no use trying to run from it. He forced his legs to carry him forward, into the center of the city toward the road he knew led to Ares' temple. He barely noticed the city slowly waking up around him as he made his way to the temple, stopping when he finally reached the massive stone steps and taking a deep breath to steady his nerves.

He wished he knew how Xena and Hercules did brave things every day, because all he was planning to do was have a conversation and he was terrified. It didn't seem fair that they could rush into any situation without even thinking about it while he was standing at the entrance to Ares' temple trying not to shake. Then again, he wasn't a hero; he was just…him, and he'd never felt less prepared for anything in his life. Just walking up the stairs to the temple was harder than any fight he'd ever found himself in the middle of, harder than his first sixteen years in his father's house and harder even than leaving home when he did. He'd never had so much to lose before, and the fact that he'd already lost it just made it harder to force himself to take those last few steps.

Part of him expected to feel some kind of pull when he got closer to the temple; some supernatural connection maybe, or just the presence of the man he loved so much that he couldn't stay away no matter how betrayed he felt. It was a little disappointing to find that there was no magic force drawing him forward, no overpowering weight in the air that let him know that Ares was waiting for him. There was nothing, really, but cool stone and the quiet peace of the temple at dawn.

A few priests moved around the altar, preparing for the long day of offerings and petitions ahead of them, but none of them took any notice of Joxer. For a few moments he wondered if he was really there or if he'd fallen asleep along the road at some point when he stopped to rest, and now he was dreaming walking through the temple. It was the only explanation he could come up with for why the priests were ignoring him instead of demanding to know what he wanted and then ushering him out of the temple until they were ready to receive visitors. No one stopped him on his way to the altar, and when he knelt in front of an imposing stone likeness of Ares himself the last of the priests disappeared into the back of the temple, leaving him alone in the altar room.

He shifted nervously on his knees, trying to find a comfortable position on the stone floor. Now that he was here he wasn't sure how to start, what to say to make Ares understand what he wanted. He didn't even know what he wanted, not really. All he knew was that he needed to understand why Ares had let him go without a word, if he ever regretted it and if he'd thought about Joxer at all in the years they'd been apart. The questions were all jumbled in his head, though, and he couldn't just start firing off a bunch of questions into the silence in the hopes that Ares was listening.

It wasn't a prayer, at least not the kind of prayer he usually prayed to Ares. When he found the time to stop in one of Ares' temples during his travels he always started with an offering, some small token of his loyalty and a short, fervent prayer to make him an strong and brave like Xena. Then he left before he wasted too much of Ares' time, because he wasn't really a warrior and technically he wasn't supposed to be in the temple. At least he'd never thought he should be there; he'd seen the looks Ares' priests gave him when he came to pray, and he'd always assumed Ares would feel the same way if he ever bothered to pay attention. Now that he knew how closely Ares had been listening he was paralyzed with the fear of saying the wrong thing.

He couldn't just kneel there forever, though; for one thing Xena would come looking for him eventually, and once she started asking around someone was bound to point her in the direction of the temple. Besides, the stone underneath him wasn't really meant for long prayers, and his knees were already starting to hurt. He briefly contemplated delivering what he knew would be a rambling, confused speech in the form of a silent prayer, but when he looked around and found himself still alone he took a chance and cleared his throat.

"Ares," he began, surprised to find that the name didn't sound nearly as strange in his voice as he'd expected it to, "I guess you're wondering why I'm here."

He stopped and grinned nervously, finally remembering to remove his helmet and setting it down on the floor next to him. He winced at the clang of metal against stone, but when none of the priests reappeared to ask him what he was doing he relaxed and took a deep breath. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think…no, I need to understand why. I know I was young when we first met. But I wasn't a child when we…" He trailed off with a blush, wondering belatedly if the fact that he couldn't see any priests meant that they couldn't hear him. He cleared his throat again and lowered his voice, focusing his attention on the statue towering over him. "I wasn't a child when I left home. I think – at least I hope – I would have understood. All the things you used to tell me about Olympus, when you said we'd see it together someday, you meant all that, didn't you?"

It had been a long time since he thought about all the promises Timo had made to him, all the talk about the future and the things they'd discover together. At the time Joxer had thought it was just talk, just two boys dreaming about a future far away from their tiny world. After he left home he wouldn't let himself think about it, because knowing that future would never come to pass hurt too much. Even now his chest ached with the knowledge that Ares had the power to give him everything he'd promised and more. The only problem was that Joxer had no idea if Ares still wanted to give him all that, or if he'd decided it wasn't worth the trouble.

"If you didn't…I mean if you don't still want all that…with me, that's okay. So much has happened since then, practically a lifetime." As soon as he said the words out loud Joxer realized for the first time that it was true; to Ares it might have felt like no time at all, but Joxer didn't have the luxury of immortality. Eventually his time would run out, and he'd already let half his life pass by without the one person that could have made everything right. He didn't know what Ares wanted, he didn't even know how relationships between humans and gods worked. He knew about Hercules' mother and Zeus, of course, he'd heard all the stories about gods coming down to Greece for a little distraction. Cupid had even married Psyche, but she was a nymph and he wasn't sure if it worked the same way with humans.

He shifted until he was sitting back on his heels, studying the statue in front of him as he tried to collect his thoughts. The truth was that Ares might not even be listening, and if that was the case Joxer was just going to leave here more confused than ever. He had no way of knowing, though, so all he could do was keep going and hope for the best.

"This statue really doesn't do you justice," he said before he even realized he'd been thinking it. As soon as he said it out loud he realized it was true; the Ares he knew had much softer features, and the statue couldn't possibly capture the light that danced in his eyes when he smiled. Of course the likeness of War wouldn't be smiling in one of his main temples, but it was hard to have a conversation with a statue that didn't look that much like the man he knew. "It's a very nice statue, of course. But it's missing…something. I know you have to look strong and scary because of the warlords and everything, but it doesn't feel like you."

That was when he felt it; a tiny nudge of energy in the air, so subtle that at first he was almost sure he'd imagined it. When he felt it close around him in a rush of warmth he knew it was real, and he sucked in a sharp breath when he felt the tingle along his skin. A moment later it was gone, but it was enough to let him know that he wasn't wasting his time. He imagined that Ares was probably trying to make him feel more comfortable, but somehow knowing for sure that the god was listening made him even more nervous.

Part of him wished that Ares would appear, but the rest of him knew that it was easier to say what he'd come to say while they weren't face to face. If Ares was there in front of him Joxer would be tempted to give up looking for answers and lose himself in the strong, surprisingly gentle touch he'd craved for so long. There were parts of him that thought that was a great idea, but he knew it would only delay the inevitable. Eventually he'd have to ask all his questions, and he needed to know before he gave his heart away again if he could live with the answers.

When he felt another soft caress of energy against his neck he nodded almost imperceptibly, looking back up at the statue again. "When I left Olympus…I felt betrayed, but not just by you. By Aphrodite and Cupid and Strife too; they all knew and none of them ever said anything, even though they knew how hard it was for me to know – to think – you were dead. Finding out that Timo was alive and that he was…well, you – I felt like I'd been given everything I'd ever wished for, then it was all gone again."

He knew he wasn't making any sense, and he stopped and closed his eyes against the surge of nervous energy making his chest tight. There was no way he'd ever get through everything he needed to say, but at least he'd gotten some of it out. The temple was still silent except for the sound of his own breathing, and with his eyes closed it was easy to pretend he was back in the run-down temple near Araxova. He could almost hear the stream running in the woods, the sound of leaves rustling in the trees just outside the temple. Imagining he was back in familiar territory made it a little easier to breathe, so he squeezed his eyes shut a little tighter and tried again.

"I tried to forget. Maybe I didn't try long enough, but it's been fifteen years and I'm not sure I can spend another fifteen years trying." He laughed nervously at the joke, shivering against another gentle shift in the air. "I just…I want to understand. Why you let me go, why you never told me the truth. Did you ever think about me? I know you're a god and you're busy and I'm sure you were glad to have me out of your hair, but did it…did it mean anything?"

He stopped talking abruptly, afraid if he tried to continue that he'd choke on the sob rising in his throat. And now he knew that this had been a mistake, because the only thing worse than Ares laughing at him was Ares feeling sorry for him. He could stand mocking, he'd gotten used to people laughing at him a long time ago. It hurt more to think that it was the person he'd first given his heart to laughing at his naiveté, but he could live with that. What he couldn't live with was Ares knowing how much pain he was in and taking pity on him, not after everything Joxer thought they'd meant to each other.

Part of him wanted to open his eyes, to stand up and turn around and leave before Ares saw what this was doing to him. He wasn't sure he'd be able to stand on his own, though, and the thought of collapsing in Ares' temple was too much. Finally he shook his head, swallowing against the hard lump in his throat and forcing himself to continue. "I know you're a god, and I'm just a mortal. You're more than a god…you're War, and I don't have any right…I can't question anything you do. But you said you loved me, and I need to know if it was ever true, or if you were just trying to make me feel better."

The last part came out in one long rush of breath, and by the time he finished speaking Joxer's heartbeat was pounding so hard against his eardrums that he could barely hear the sound of his own voice. There was still no answer, and as he waited some of the fear and embarrassment began to give way to anger. He didn't even feel Ares' presence in the air around him anymore, and suddenly he found himself wondering if the god had stopped listening. He tried to remember what he'd said that might have offended Ares, but he had a right to know why Ares had done what he did. He had a right to know if any of it was real, and the longer he waited the angrier he got.

"Ares," he said, his eyes fluttering open automatically. When he focused on the scene in front of him he forgot all about his question, his anger giving way to confusion and more than a little fear. "How…where am I?"

The stone underneath him was much older and far more worn than the stone floor of the temple in Thebes, and the statue that had been in front of him when he closed his eyes was gone. There was still no sign of anyone else in the temple, but there was a small altar in front of him and the walls were decorated with fraying tapestries of various battle scenes. There was something familiar about the scene, and he rose to his feet without thinking and turned in a wide circle.

"It can't be," he said, frowning when he realized why it felt familiar. It only took a few seconds to cross to the entrance to the temple, blinking against the early morning light as he took in the clearing and the row of trees that hid a small stream in the woods behind Araxova.

He had to be dreaming; it was the only explanation for the entire strange morning. Any minute now he was going to wake up cramped and cold from sleeping on the side of the road, and he was going to have to go through all of this again. But he wasn't waking up, and it definitely felt real. He could feel the crisp early morning breeze against his skin, and he could make out the sound of the stream that ran behind the temple.

Slowly he turned back toward the altar, intent on either finding a way to wake himself up or finding a priest and making him summon Ares. As soon as his gaze landed on the altar he stopped short, his heart in his throat when he found himself face to face with Ares himself. "There's no need to disturb my priest," Ares said, his voice soft in the silence of the temple.

"What…how did I get here?" Joxer asked, although he already knew the answer.

"You asked me a question," Ares said, stopping when he was standing less than two feet away from the mortal. "I thought this would be the best place to answer. Also my well-intentioned, if somewhat annoying daughter discovered your early departure. She's almost to Thebes by now, and I didn't want to run the risk of any unnecessary interruptions."

Joxer's earlier confusion was nothing compared to the questions swarming in his head now, starting with why Ares felt it necessary to bring them all the way back here to answer a simple question. He knew he must look as confused as he felt, because he felt Ares' hand land on his cheek, strong fingers caressing his skin for a moment before he pulled away again.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know, Joxer. All you have to do is ask."

Joxer shook his head to try to clear the fog quickly settling over his brain. Part of him wanted to ask everything he'd come to ask, but there was a small, insistent voice in the back of his head telling him he already had all the answers he needed. He wouldn't let himself believe that Ares bringing him here meant anything, though; for all he knew Ares just wanted a less conspicuous place to finally settle things between them. The temple in Thebes was far busier than this one, after all, and the chances of any of Ares' worshippers seeing him with Joxer in this temple were slim.

He could feel the weight of Ares' gaze on him, palpable in the same way that the shifts in the air around him had been. Finally he steeled himself against the answer he knew was coming and looked up, squaring his jaw as he finally met Ares' gaze. "I need to know if any of it meant anything. You're a god and I'm just a mortal, but the things you said…"

By the time he trailed off Ares was already shaking his head, and Joxer's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach as he waited to hear the words he'd been dreading. They never came, though, and before he knew what was happening Ares was moving forward, closing the distance between them and tilting Joxer's chin up to meet the god's gaze.

Ares' smile lit up his eyes exactly the way Joxer remembered, his thumb tracing a soft pattern along the other man's jaw as he spoke. "Don't you know by now? It meant everything."

end