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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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Trying To Leave

Summary:

Category: Drama
Rating: PG
Warnings: death story, m/m
Pairing: J/B
Summary: Sooner or later, everything comes to an end.
No profit made; just enjoyment.
Submitted through http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SenseXangstRevisited

Work Text:

 

Trying To Leave
by Rebel Melinda
The first time Sandburg tried to leave me was the invitation to join an expedition in Borneo. I saw the excitement on his face and heard it in his voice. What I didn't understand was his silent `ask me to stay' when he told me how long he would be gone. So I told him that he should go.

But he didn't. He said it was about friendship.

What did I know about that kind of friendship?

The second time Sandburg tried to leave me was when I blew up at him over that bitch, Alex Barnes. He left, telling me that I knew where he'd be if I wanted to work things out. I thought it was a pretty pitiful exit line. What I didn't understand was his silent `don't let me go'. Not even when our souls merged when I dragged him back from death.

He called me `brother' then.

What did I know about being that kind of a brother?

The third time Sandburg tried to leave me was after he'd publicly labeled himself a fraud and liar. Rainier had kicked him out in disgrace, and he figured the CPD would do the same. So he quietly packed and prepared to leave town. But he stayed when we offered him a badge and a way out. Obfuscations that would put Sandburg to shame were used over the next couple of months. He emerged with the quiet respect of the CPD and law enforcement community.

At one point I overheard Henri Brown joking that it `must be love' that kept Sandburg with me. Joel Taggart quietly corrected him by saying that it was devotion.

What did I know about that kind of devotion? I only knew one kind. So I took Sandburg to my bed to show him that kind of devotion.

The fourth time Sandburg tried to leave me was when Eli Stoddard showed up and offered him a place on one of his expeditions. I wanted to scream and shout `where were you when Rainier gave Sandburg the boot?' But Stoddard had the nerve to stand in our living room and hold out an offer for Sandburg to join in him the backside of some country most people have never heard of to study some primitive people who would probably prefer to just be left alone.

Sandburg grinned, bounced...then bounced a few more times. Then he proceeded to tell Stoddard how great his life was. He thanked him more than once for the opportunity but explained he had a new direction and purpose in his life. He looked past an astounded Stoddard and winked at me.

What did I know about being someone's purpose in life? All I knew what how to be a pain in someone's ass.

Now, five years later, he's trying to leave me again. This time the doctors say he's going to succeed. The damage from Garret Kincaid's explosives is too extensive to repair. Sandburg regained consciousness only once, during the wild ambulance ride to the hospital. He smiled at me and whispered my name...so softly that no one heard it but me.

I took personal satisfaction in tracking Kincaid to an abandoned barn outside of Cascade. I left a trial of broken and bloodied members of the Sunrise Patriots in my wake. Which is how Simon Banks and the rest of Major Crimes were able to track me. But they weren't there when Kincaid threw down his gun and raised his hands. They didn't see him smile that smarmy smirk of his or hear the derision in his voice when he said `I surrender'.

And they didn't see me when I put three bullets between Kincaid's beady little eyes.

It only took a little effort to pull Kincaid's body upright, put his gun in his hand, and fire a few rounds before letting him drop back to the ground. I don't know or care if forensics will make sense of the trajectories. Given the circumstances, maybe they won't care. Simon made noises about an IA investigation of the shooting. But I could care less about them or their investigation.

Naomi's come and gone. She sat with Sandburg for a while. I reluctantly left them alone, begrudging her the time for one last visit with her son. When she left, she said `I don't blame you for this, Jim'. I suppose, for Sandburg's sake, that I should give a damn about Naomi's opinion. But I don't.

After that, members of Major Crimes paid their last respects; and I stepped outside to the hallway while they did so. One by one, they retreated to the waiting room...to wait until Sandburg leaves me.

The doctors also made their final appearance. I hold Sandburg's Medical Power of Attorney. After they admitted they couldn't do anything more, I told them to get out and leave us alone. I heard Simon talking with them in the hallway. I didn't catch everything he said, but it must have been effective because they haven't come back.

The reason I didn't hear everything Simon said is because my senses are fading. The closer to the time when Sandburg is going to leave me, the fainter my senses have become. When he actually leaves, I know I'll be normal.

Once I would have rejoiced.

What did I know about true rejoicing?

"You know, don't you, Blair?" I finally speak. Standing by his bed, I reach out and take Sandburg's right hand in my left one, wincing at the cold touch and limp feel of his flesh. "Please...you have to know it. You know everything else about me. You have to know why I never actually said it. But I meant it."

I listen to the heart monitor as it begins to beep slower and slower, ticking down the last seconds until Sandburg finally leaves me...alone. I'd turned the volume down as low as possible, hoping that even with normal hearing I wouldn't hear the whine when his heart stops beating.

"It was more friendship, Blair. More than being a brother. More than devotion. It was so much more that I didn't have the words for it. All I could do was do things...try to protect you every way that I could."

The beeping of the heart monitor was almost finished. I squeeze Sandburg's hand and close my eyes. "Can't you just wake up one more time and tell me that you understand? That you know I...I..."

The heart monitor suddenly stops beeping then begins its final whine.

"I love you," I chokingly whisper.

Leaning forward, I kiss him on his silent lips. I know there's not much time left and squeeze Sandburg's hand...hard. "I can't let you leave me now."

*BAM*

Melinda Holley
May 2007