Work Text:
Before I
by XFreak
x_freak@fastmail.fm
I knew I loved you before I met you
The first time it happened, it disturbed him. His father's ranting voice receded from his awareness, his many failures eluding ears that could hear for miles.
A skinny child ran through the woods, as clear as if Jim himself were following him. He felt the rapid heartbeat as if it thumped in his chest alongside his own. Even weirder, he could feel the heartbeat, his throat constricting with the harsh strain for breath. He didn't sense fear, though, only excitement as the child squealed its happiness.
The voice was too young to distinguish gender, but it spread heat through Jim's whole body. Not an icky heat like when his dick got all hard, but one from inside. He actually envied his friends, comfortable with girls hanging all over them and groping them. At thirteen, Jim embarrassed easily, his father chiding him that he should be a ladies' man in the family tradition.
"Jimmy!"
His head snapped up and he focused on his father's angry eyes, the blue burning a hole in his forehead. "Huh?"
Strong hands gripped his upper arms and shook him. "Are you listening to me?!"
"Y-yes, sir." As his father continued his tirade, Jim furrowed his brow and tried to recapture the memory, but it was gone.
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I think I dreamed you into life
The next time it happened, he was a captain in the army, lying half dead in the wreckage of a suicide mission that killed his whole team. Except him, that is. He woke in the dead of night, his pupils automatically dilating to adjust for the darkness without him even realizing it.
His heart pounded in his chest like a jackhammer, and when he glanced down at the trembling hand swiping across his stomach, he could see the individual beads of sweat mingle with droplets of blood as if under a microscope.
The feeling was like none he had ever experienced, an orgasm of the heart the only words that came to mind. No sexual stirrings accompanied his dreams of the phantom figure, only an all encompassing warmth. The shoulders now broader, hair tumbled across them in wild curls. Just as the figure began to turn and show him a face, he jerked awake and lost it for years...
Jim thumped his head against the hard earth, certain that death would claim him before he ever found the elusive dream walker. The crunching of grass startled him and the dream faded from his consciousness when he looked up to find concerned brown eyes gazing down at him, colorful paint decorating the dark face.
The man pounded himself on the chest, his voice a deep and comforting resonance. "Incacha."
"Captain James Ellison, US Army," he husked, voice breaking.
Dark hair flew in a fury as the other man shook his head and pointed at Jim. "Enqueri."
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I knew I loved you before I met you
The next time it happened, his senses were spiraling out of control. Sitting on the table in the hospital, he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He immediately recognized the elusive figure, only this time it was walking across a... campus, maybe, with lush green grass. The sun brought out the red highlights in the abundant curls and the stride looked... male? A rich burst of masculine laughter confirmed his suspicion and he snapped his eyes open, once again losing the chance to see a face.
Reaching for his shirt, he pulled it over his shoulders and began the task of buttoning it, suddenly unable to remember the source of his irritation. The door to his room pushed open and he barked, "Who are you?"
"Detective Ellison. I'm Dr. McKay."
"Your name tag says McCoy."
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I have been waiting all my life
Jim chuckled to himself. Ever since Danny's death, Sandburg had been walking on egg shells. The younger man acted like a nervous mother hen, always picking up after himself and constantly shoving food at Jim.
He appreciated the concern, but quite frankly it was starting to get on his nerves. Right now, he needed normalcy, needed something to grasp to close this gaping hole inside him. Jim talked a good game, but there was more to Danny's death than he told anyone. Nobody knew the extent of it except him because he'd been a damn fool and never said anything.
When he first fell for Danny Choi, the younger man looked up to him much like Sandburg did now. Only, he was seventeen and Jim was a legal adult. No way would he touch that one. He had finally decided to gather his nerve and tell Danny how he felt, spurred on by the hug in the alley. The next thing he knew, he was robbed of the chance.
Jim heaved a heavy sigh and time almost stopped as Sandburg slowly turned from his gaze out the balcony windows. Images flashed in front of Jim's eyes, taking on a surreal quality. First, a little boy ran through the forest, next a phantom form turned toward him and then disappeared, and finally broad shoulders he recognized as well as his own body moved across Rainier's campus as the sun teased reddish-brown curls.
Slack jawed, Jim walked over to Blair, his fingers slowly whispering across one high cheek bone.
Blair's brows scrunched, apprehension swimming in his eyes. "Jim?"
"You."
Frown lines smoothed out and returned with confusion. "Huh?"
"All these years, it was you."
"Uh, Jim. Not that I don't like where this seems to be headed, but what in the hell are you talking about?"
Licking his lips and straightening his shoulders, Jim met Blair's eyes. "All my life, I've been seeing these phantom images."
"What kinds of images?"
"Images of... you." He shrugged, waiting for the condemnation, for Blair to tell him he'd finally lost it.
"What was I doing?"
Studying his friend for any sign of deceit, Jim relaxed when he found none. "I didn't know it was you until just now."
"What tipped you off?"
"This is going to sound crazy."
"Jim. This is us. We live crazy, okay?"
Laughing, Jim nodded. "When you turned away from the window, it brought the images back to me, split-second flashes really. The weird thing is, I'd lose them seconds after I got them, so I didn't remember until just now."
"And they all came back." Blair snapped his fingers. "Just like that."
"Just like that." Jim nodded again. "I've been waiting for you all my life."
"And I've been waiting all my life to hear you say that." Blair swallowed, a shadow settling over his features. "Tell me this isn't some rebound thing to get you over Danny. I don't need to fall good and hard for you and then you bounce my ass out the door."
"You deserve complete honesty here."
Features twisting with self-loathing, Blair turned away. "God, how could I have been so stupid to think..."
"I was in love with Danny."
Blair whirled back around, mouth agape. "What?"
"I was going to tell him after... after he..."
"Jim, man, I'm so sorry." Blair skated a hand up his friend's arm, stopping on his shoulder and squeezing.
"So, you understand that when I realized it was you that I'd been seeing all my life, I couldn't waste any time. I had to tell you now before I... before I lose you, too."
Blair pulled him into a hug, and he went willingly, digging his face into the crook of neck and shoulder. Silent tears finally fell, tears of grief for love lost, tears of joy for the promise of love to come.
"You're not going to lose me, Jim."
"I love you." He just had to get it out, even if his voice was rough and needy. Blair could die any second without hearing it and he couldn't let that happen again.
"You loved me before you met me. You just didn't know it."
"Yeah." The lack of the words in return stung, stung deep and hard.
"Jim?"
"Uh?"
"I love you, too."
Jim sighed deeply and relaxed. He had no illusions that the road ahead of them would be an easy one, but at least this time he threw caution to the wind and said the words before he no longer had the chance.
END
I Knew I Loved You
Savage Garden
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life