SquidgeWorld Archive

Like Any Other
by Castalie
castalie_a@hotmail.com


It all began with whispers and glares directed at us behind our back... and, I have to admit, in front of us as well from time to time. Some people are just more courageous - or is that more stupid? - than others.

I always knew people assumed there was something between Jim and me long before there actually was, and at least now... they're right! To my pleasure, let me assure you! There *is* something between Jim and me, and if you want to know a secret, it's even better when there's something *in* me, period... and yeah, I'm talking about a not-so-little part of my over's anatomy. Does everyone really think I call him "big guy" because he's taller than me? People are just so clueless!

I guess I shouldn't feel upset about what everyone says, I mean, at least,now, most of what they speculate has a certain reality. Now, I can't deny they're telling the truth when saying something like "Sandburg must be blowing Ellison every chance he gets." Actually... I do. Although it may be a little presumptuous to talk about *every* chance I get... the station is such a no-no thing, you wouldn't believe it! I can't blow him, and we sure can't have sex here either! Too bad because those interrogation rooms would really work for me... big time! Have you noticed how someone can be bent over those tables?

No? Really?! Are you saying it's just me? Because *I* noticed, man! But what can I say? A human life is full of temptations and obstacles, right? That's what I tell myself... it makes things easier when I peek inside hose rooms at the station and my blood pressure begins playing havoc inside my body.

Back to the rumors and stuff... I do hope they're speaking the truth when they're claiming I'm "a wonder in bed" although I don't really like the second part of the statement "or else Ellison would have thrown him out a long time ago." So, let's focus on the first part, shall we? I dare say I'm a wonder in bed. You just have to look at Jim's face when he's buried deep inside me and pounding me into next week to realise I'm as good to him as he is to me. I've been told I have the hottest and tightest little ass, ever, by a guy who has a much stricter rating scale than most. And I won't even talk about how good I feel and taste and smell, and how apparently the little noises I make when we're having sex could send my Sentinel into a zone by themselves... No need to say I give him plenty of other stimuli to help him ground himself in me... and yes, there's a pun in there somewhere.

So yes, they're right about a lot of things in substance. But they just don't *get* it. They see me as some sex object or boy toy or I don't know what other degrading thing. They assume I'm a weakling, merely existing for my big man's pleasure - hmm, of course there's a truth in that as well - but they just pervert and debase what we have. They make assumptions about us because of how we look and that just so pisses me off, you know?

Also, how they could think this relationship between us is exclusively one sided is beyond me!! As if I've never had Jim's mouth on a not-so-little part of *my* anatomy! What do they believe anyway? That I'm the one doing all the work ? I just can't believe those morons, sometimes, I swear.

Back to the subject at hand though... why I began playing my little mind games.

One day, I overheard some officer talking with some of his buddies about how "Ellison's baby must have gotten it good last night" because, apparently "he looked really well fucked." Obviously it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard, because I could hear them laugh for several minutes. I was almost worried about them actually. I thought they were going to have a stroke or something!

Anyway, I went to the bathroom then and looked in the mirror to try to decipher this new look of mine. I guess I'm too stupid to know what a "well fucked face" is because I didn't see anything different but then, I'm just a little pretty boy... I'm so clueless, you know?

Excuse me? My tone is a little sarcastic? Oh sorry, man, really didn't want to use that kind of tone!! Really.

It's just that, for some reason, this typical exchange didn't make me laugh this time... don't know why. Usually, I just take notes, and at night I repeat everything I heard during the day to Jim and we have a good laugh. But not this time... I guess maybe because I hadn't slept well the previous night. See, Jim wasn't home that particular night. But I guess those guys didn't know that, did they?

Anyway, that's when I decided to play a little game myself. That's when I began to imply *I* was the one... driving the truck, shall we say... I'm pretty good at it actually, it's really fun. Hmm? Good at driving the truck? No! I mean, yes, I top as well that's not the point and of course I'm good at it too, that's still not the point... no... I'm talking about being good at *pretending* I'm the one doing the pounding every night.

A little word here, a lewd comment there, some subtle subtext that I made unsubtle .. it was so easy, and it really appealed to my creative side, you know?

Although when I say it was easy, I mean, the real difficult part was to stay serious... to keep a straight face, so to speak. I would wait for some of my "enemies" to be near us and I would look all worried as I asked Jim to be careful when sitting because "I didn't want him to hurt more than he did this morning". Or I would smirk knowingly at him every time he had to stand up from his seat... yeah, yeah, it may sound basic but it worked!!

Or I would stand menacingly over Jim when he sat at his desk and look mean each time one of those guys (I had a whole list) approached, as if I was protecting what is mine, or some bullshit like that. Thing is, it worked really good too. Apparently I looked like a "fucking jealous boyfriend protecting his girl". Not too bad as far as stupid comments are concerned, in my humble opinion.

But then, what did I expect from those morons, right? And after all, my plan was working, they were beginning to see me as the "man" in our relationship.

If you ask me, I'd say that one of my best line was a night when there were just four of us in the bullpen, Jim, me and two officers. Jim gave me all his paperwork to finish as usual and I smiled suggestively and told him low enough so that the two guys-in-blue thought I didn't mean it to be overheard "You're a slave driver, you know that, big guy? You think you can make me do all your work? Well, just remember that when I'll do *you* tonight."

The choking I heard coming from behind me almost made me blow the whole thing. Jim's face kept its stoic look but I could see his eyes laughing with me. Also, the low growl that only I could hear was an erotic warning which told me that someone was going to do the drilling all night, and it definitely wasn't me!!

Oh man, did I get it that night!! But that's another story...

What story? You want it now ? You're talking about my sex life, here, man! Be a little sensitive! Yeah, well, I talked about it myself but that's not the point! You just can't go around and ask me to tell you about how- Oh, okay, you little pervie, I'll give you a hint. A hint, I said, nothing more! No need to whine, I almost invented the thing myself!! It won't work on me!

Okay then... well, all you need to know is that the next morning -we had the day off, thank God for small miracles - *he* was telling me to sit carefully and *he* was the one doing the smirking.each time I stood up or fidgeted on my seat... smug bastard... oh man, I love him so fucking much and I'm getting distracted here but then, you should be used to it by now.

So where was I?

Ah yes, how those guys at the station had to change their whole view of our sex life.

What is strange though is the fact that even after I began playing the part of the alpha male, no one was ever insulting towards Jim (I mean apart from the usual homophobic insults we were used to) and no one never really began seeing him as less manly! They just didn't understand how *I* could be so macho and how it was possible big butch Ellison accepted to bend over for me, but strangely enough, that never changed their view of my lover. I stopped trying to find any kind of logic in their twisted view of how our relationship worked.

It relieved me of course, I didn't want Jim to be less respected all of a sudden because he wasn't the fucking top everyone believed him to be.

In a way though, it pissed me off a little. I mean, it was direct proof that the problem was coming from their view of *me*, Blair Jacob Sandburg. I was -of course- the one on his knees and it made everyone laugh but then, when they were made to believe it was Jim doing the squirming under *my* body, it wasn't as unnerving. It was just a curiosity. Look!! A tough guy who indulges his little boyfriend and accepts to be fucked by him. He's so generous!!!

Yeah, it pissed me off but what could I do anyway?

Apart from that little frustrating feeling, the benefits were satisfying though. They definitely were. You should have seen the confused looks on some of our biggest nemeses! All of a sudden, it's really as if their whole world was turned upside-down! What? JimI-could-eat-you-for-breakfast-and-still-want-a-Wonderburger-afterwards Ellison was taking it up the ass... by Blair flower-child-poor-excuse-for-a-partner Sandburg??

I do think I created a mini revolution in here... poor little bigots, *that* made me laugh, I can tell you ! It still does as a matter of fact. One has to amuse themselves, right?

If only they knew... Knew what? That I bottom for Jim, of course - where were you when I spoke about Jim being buried deep inside me and pounding me into next week? Did you go to the bathroom or something?

Pay attention then, yes, I bottom for Jim... you bet, always, man!! Oh, okay, not *always* always... but that's what I love best and it's perfect for Jim, so let's say I bottom for him ninety-five per cent of the time, all right? Is that better? Thanks.

So what, if you hear me talk, I'm the one giving it to Jim *big* time but I got pissed, man, I told you! Give me break, okay?

Between you and me though, the truth is, I'm usually the one on his back or on his knees... Or hey! On the kitchen table... or on Jim's lap (oh yeah!)... well, you get the picture anyway, don't you? I just hate the assumption that because I'm smaller and younger I'm the one squirming under his big body... Okay I *do*, squirm under his big body I mean... So I'm a living clich, so sue me! It's just the *assumption* that gets me.

Jim doesn't mind me implying I'm the one calling the shots inside the bedroom. He hates those assumptions just as much as I do. Even worse, he hates people talking about *me*. So he indulges me... as always, actually. He may be the butch guy who nails me to the mattress every chance he gets and who is *so* demanding in bed sometimes, but he's still my big softie! (Just don't tell anyone, ok?) Although... people always say I've got him wrapped around my little finger anyway... well, among other things, if you ask me!

So I'm "his baby" - so what? I love it! I'm as sappy as the next guy, you know? Okay, maybe not *exactly* as the next guy but come on. Just because we're both men, I can't feel pleasure at every pet name Jim has for me? Give me a break! I admit I'm always on my guard at the bullpen, because sometimes my lover gets this *look*, you know? It's as if I was already hearing him telling me "we're going on a stakeout, it's cold out there, take your coat, Baby!" Man! Talk about an embarassing moment if that happened! Should, one day, Jim let a "baby" or a "sweetheart" slip at the station, I would give him a free card for the couch for a whole week!

No, wait, wait!! What did I say again? No, no, what I meant was a whole *night*. Yeah, one night is better, 'cos see, more than that and *I* end up being punished as well. And I so don't want that. You see, I just love having him near me on that big bed. Sometimes I think I couldn't get asleep without Jim spooned tightly around me. I know, I know: technically I could, but I love thinking it would be impossible for me to fall asleep without my lover plastered against me. It's so wonderful having someone to wake up to.

So, back to the "baby" thing. Yes, I would be *so* embarrassed but it has nothing to do with me being a man or macho or anything, just everything to do with me being at work. I just can't do macho anyway.

Besides what *is* macho ? To me, this word is nothing more than a metaphorical enslavement for men, which forbids them from expressing their feelings. Being 'macho' means men can't risk appearing less 'manly' to a society that expects the 'tough guy' act from them.

Uh... did you follow me there? I can get a little complicated sometimes and I must admit I even confused myself. What I'm talking about here is what I call 'typical male behaviour patterns imposed by society.'

Yeah, that's better.

I don't care about what 'society' is expecting from me. I don't have any problem with my masculinity, thank you very much. I refuse to live my life based on social and per se artificial tacit code that prevents me from saying "I love you" to the man I love - the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I refuse to spend my life without touching him, without showing him how much I love him.

I just don't understand why I can't still be a man *and* love sitting on my lover's lap at the same time. Why can't I do that? The only thing that could prevent from doing it is said lover's lap. Like... I don't know, he would suddenly have bad knees, or I would suddenly get too heavy, or I-don't-know-what other reason that would make him dump me on the floor. I mean, falling on my ass is SO not what I see as romantic... unless, of course, he pounces on me afterwards (Jim's spirit guide isn't a panther for nothing, believe me!)... and begins kissing me and stroking me and ends up manhandling me into the right position and I'm getting distracted again! I hope you see the main point of the whole thing, though.

I *am* a man, like any other. Just a little different from them because the idea of a cock up my ass is a great turn on... uh, yeah, sorry for the crudeness, okay? I was going for a punching effect here. That's the only difference. I love, like any other. I want to love and be loved in return by my lover. I want to be cuddled by him. I want to be kissed by him and to kiss him back. I want to hold him. I want him to call me by names only he would use because I love the intimacy in pet names.

And yes, man, I want a REAL intimacy with my lover... not just sex. Don't get me wrong, sex with Jim is... well, fantastic,
transcendental, mystical - and no, I'm not exaggerating, but I do have a silly grin on my face - but what I really want with my lover is *intimacy*.

I want to be reading in our bed while he's peacefully sleeping. I want to fall asleep with his hands wandering all over my body and know it doesn't have to lead to anything. I just love when I wake up and feel his erection nestled against my ass and knowing he won't *always* do something about it. Although most of the time he ends up sheathed deep inside me,sometimes he just loves the feeling of his cock against my "warm and sweet smelling body".

I want to argue about the film we're going to watch. I want to fight for the control of the remote. Don't laugh - I do win the remote from time to time... just not often, if you really want to be picky. Geez, what's with you? I *do* have control of the remote sometimes!

How do I do that? What, do you want to know all my tricks? Let's keep a little mystery, shall we? How do you think I manage to watch all my documentaries? Jim is very smart and cultivated but he's just not the kinda guy who would choose to watch a show relating the customs and rituals of the Tchumbali or Mundugumor tribes in New Guinea... wait a minute...or is he *pretending* to hate those because he loves how I vent for hours afterwards?? I'll have to think about that!

So I want to argue about the film we're going to watch, I want to put my head on his shoulder while we're watching TV, I want to laugh at a private joke only we understand... I want to know I have someone who is waiting for me at home, no matter what.

Yes, I've always wanted those things, and yes, I know that's not the image I reflect. But it's the truth. I always craved stability, a loving partner and a sense of belonging. I finally got everything I wanted thanks to Jim.

I've loved other men and some women too, I won't deny what I felt for them, it just wouldn't be possible. But what I have with Jim is so different. Maybe this is what it really feels like when you find *the one*. The one and only person meant for you. Not that this person is perfect but that they're perfect for *you*. That's what Jim is for me.

That's why I won't let ignorance and pettiness or just plain meanness debase what I feel for James Joseph Ellison.

And if some of those "good" people think it's demeaning for me to go to my male lover and give him my body for our pleasure... well, I hear my man calling me from upstairs so I guess I have some "demeaning" to do! Then when those people go to sleep alone, I'll lie with the man I love and listen to him whisper sweet nothings in my ear while we're both winding down from our lovemaking. I'll fall asleep with him spooned around me, protecting me from the outside ignorance and prejudices... or trying to, because we all know he can't really protect me from those, as I can't myself protect him.

But the simple fact that he tries so hard warms my heart and gives me hope.

I guess what I want to say is only "us" count. As long as we've got each other, it'll be all right. I'm not even talking about Sentinel and Guide or Partner and Partner, but Jim and Blair. Because in the end, that's what really matters, right? I know, I know, Blair Sandburg, Philosopher Extraordinaire...

What can I say anyway? I'm just a man in love, like any other...


Fin