Work Text:
The Hogwarts Castle Scene
From: Lord Voldemort and the Holy Grail
Transcribed By: JustJeanette.
Edited By: JustJeanette.
Published By some git called: JustJeanette.
[Scene descriptions]
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[Peter Pettigrew holding onto a long twig runs ahead of Lord Voldemort]: Whoosh, Whoosh, And Whoosh.
[Trailing behind are Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Rodolphus Lestrange, and Barty Crouch (Jr)]
[Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters of the slightly square table (rounded off at the corners just a little bit), along with their house-elves, "fly" up to the Hogwarts Castle.]
[Lord Voldemort's servant, Peter, Waves a wand]
Peter: Hornicus Loudus.
[A loud sound not unlike two warthogs farting reverberates across the land]
[A disembodied head pops up over the ramparts]
Lord Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
A disembodied voice: Oi, that wasn't very nice.
Peter Pettigrew: Avada Kedavra!
A disembodied voice: Neither was that.
Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange, Rodolphus Lestrange, and Barty Crouch (jr) as a Death Eater Quartet sing: Avada Kedavra!
A disembodied voice: And that was just plain terrible!
[Waiting]
[A robe-clad figure appears on top of the ramparts. It speaks in an outrageous "my mouth is gummed up with toffee" accent].
Severus: 'Allo! 'Oo it is you, no wonder my arm was acting up.
Lord Voldemort: It is I, Lord Voldemort, and these are my Death Eaters of the slightly square table (rounded off just a little bit at the corners). Whose castle is this?
Severus: This is the castle of my master, Albus de Dumbledore and the short-order of the Phoenix.
Lord Voldemort: Hang on, I thought I was your Master.
Severus: So you are, but 'ow can I play "I Spy" for you if I don' call Albus de Dumbledore my Master. He might be thick, but I theenk that that might give the game away.
Lord Voldemort: Oh, that is all right, then. Go and tell your 'Master' that we have been charged by Merlin with a sacred quest. If he will give us food, shelter, and some Muggles for torture, sorry, for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. (Err sorry, wrong story). Ahem. He can join us in our quest for the Holy Prophecy Ball of Sybil.
Severus: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see?
Lord Voldemort: What?
Bellatrix Lestrange: He says they've already *got* one!
Lord Voldemort: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
Severus: Oh yes, it's very nice, snows and everything when you shake it.
[Turning to face into the castle, Severus comments to the other members of short-order of the Phoenix]: I told them we've already *got* one!
[Members of the short-order of the Phoenix]: snicker
Lord Voldemort: (taken a bit off balance): Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?
Severus: Of course not! You are Death Eater types.
Lord Voldemort: Well, what are you then? Aren't you one of us?
SEVERUS: (Indignant) Ah'm Hogwartian! Why do you think I have this outrrrageous accent, you silly wizard?!
Barty Crouch (jr): What are you doing in *England*?
Severus: Minding your own business!
Lord Voldemort: If you will not show us the Ball, we shall take your castle by trickery!
Severus: You don't frighten us, Death Eater Wizards. Go and revel with your Muggles, you son of a muggle person! Ah cast my snark at you, so-called "Lord Voldemort Dark Lord"! You and all your silly Death Eater Crooonies!!!
[Severus then begins to stalk the ramparts reciting his: 'I can teach you to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. I can teach you to bottle fame, brew glory and even put a stopper in death' speech]
Barty Crouch (jr): What a strange person.
Lord Voldemort: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
Severus: Ah don't want talk to you no more, you empty-headed elfin food-trough wiper! Ah hiss in your general direction! Your mother was a Witch, and your father smelt of bubble and squeak!
Barty Crouch (jr): Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
Severus: No!! Now go away, or I shall intimidate you a second time! I might even use..... sarcasm.
(Pause)
Lord Voldemort: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....
Severus: [to four other members of the short-order of the Phoenix, standing behind him on the rampart] Cherchez les pots.
Other members of the short-order of the Phoenix: Qua?
Severus: Cherchez les pots!
[The other members of the short-order of the Phoenix are seen dragging a cart full of pottery]
Lord Voldemort: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--
[Boing! The first pot goes flying through the air over the rampart]
Lord Voldemort: Morgaine's tits!
[...And lands, amid great shattering of crockery, on one of the house-elves. Various crying-outs from Lord Voldemort's party.)
Lord Voldemort: (determined) Right! (Drawing his wand) CHARGE!
Rest of Lord Voldemort's Party: CHAAAARGE!
[As they run towards the Hogwarts Castle, wands drawn, they are met by a huge onslaught of pottery of all sizes that come plummeting down from the ramparts of the castle. Amid screams of various Death Eaters demising, they all turn back before even reaching the castle walls, save Bellatrix Lestrange, who reaches the stone wall in time to give it one swift curse with her wand before retreating.]
Severus: [throwing down a teapot]: Hey, this one is for your mother! [And a cup and saucer] And this one's for your granny!
[Reaching out, Severus snags Harry Potter and brings him to the ramparts edge]: Beware you cowardly Death Eater Types, I have a Potter, and I'm not afraid to use him!
[More Pots go flying]
Lord Voldemort's party: [hastily retreating] Run away! RUN AWAAAAY!
Bellatrix Lestrange: [as they hunker down behind a grassy knoll out of flying-potteries reach of the castle) Fiends, I'll curse them apart!
Lord Voldemort : No no, no!!
Peter Pettigrew: (to Lord Voldemort) Sir... I have a plan, sir.
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[There follows a long scene where the Severus and other members of the short-order of the Phoenix stationed atop the rampart survey the surrounding countryside and see nothing. They can sense spells being cast from the woods. Eventually, amid a great squeaking of wooden wheels, a giant wooden Ferret with white fur is wheeled out of the forest by Lord Voldemort's group. They wheel it right up to the front gates of the Hogwarts Castle and leave it there, returning to their concealed spot behind the knoll to watch.
A minute later, the castle gate opens and a member of the short-order of the Phoenix peeks out. It is Sirius, looking around nervously. His head disappears and he can be heard speaking with the others.
Severus [looking down]: Is it something serious?
Sirius: C'est un furet, un furet en bois avec la fourrure blanche.
Severus: Qua?
Sirius: It's a wooden ferret with white fur.
Severus: Oh, nothing serious, then.
Three other Members of the short-order of the Phoenix's heads appear around the end of the door and disappear again.
Members of the short-order of the Phoenix: Un Cadeau!
Severus: What?
Members of the short-order of the Phoenix: A present!
Severus: Ah, un Cadeau!
Members of the short-order of the Phoenix: Allons-y, allons-y!
Severus: What?
Members of the short-order of the Phoenix: Let's go!
Severus: Ah!
Three members of the short-order of the Phoenix creep out, cast Wingardium Leviosa, levitate the ferret into the castle, and close the gate behind them.
[Behind the knoll]
Lord Voldemort [to Peter Pettigrew]: What happens now?
Peter Pettigrew: Well, now, uh, Bellatrix Lestrange, Barty Crouch (jr) and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the ferret, taking the Hogwartians, uh, by suprise. Not only by suprise, but totally unarmed!
Lord Voldemort: *Who* leaps out?
Peter Pettigrew: (pointing to each Death Eater as he names them) Uh... Bellatrix Lestrange, Barty Crouch (jr), and I.... uh, leap out of the ferret, uh, and, uh....
Bellatrix Lestrange: (groans)
Peter Pettigrew: (pause) Oh... um, look, if we built this large wooden Phoenix....
Lord Voldemort: [casts Crucio]
Just then, the Ferret comes soaring over the castle wall. The party disperses amid great shouts of "Run away, run away!", but the Ferret lands on yet another helpless lackey.
Lucius Malfoy [delirious]: Get off me, Draco.
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Jeanette (the insane and in need of cheering up..... )