Work Text:
Endings & Beginnings
Doctor Jesse Travis watched Susan Hilliard walk away from him, her body language screaming at him things he already knew.
It was over. His relationship with Susan had been in a downward spiral and it couldn't be fixed, probably shouldn't be fixed. He had known almost from the beginning that it was a mistake, but at the time he needed something, and she had made an offer he didn't have the strength to refuse.
However since then, their relationship had changed, from colleagues, to friends, to lovers, to this bitter silence and resentment that seemed to permeate them anytime they were alone together.
Now it wasn't just their personal lives that were being affected but their working relationship was suffering. They had to end it. He had to end it, and soon.
"Dr. Travis?" A gentle hand squeezed his shoulder.
Jesse turned around. Brenna Marcus, one of the nurses from the ER was standing there, smiling softly. "It'll be okay, she'll cool off."
Jesse smiled at her, knowing that it was true. Susan's outburst a few minutes ago wasn't uncommon. Outburst like that were becoming more and more frequent, just one more reason why it was time to end things. Susan was off work now, and once she got home, she would hopefully calm down. But it didn't really matter, not anymore. He'd reached a decision, and now that he had nothing would change his mind.
"Jesse?" Mark Sloan stepped into the hall, a concerned look on his face.
Jesse smiled briefly at Nurse Marcus before she left them alone, and he turned his full attention to his mentor.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" Mark motioned to an empty room behind him.
Jesse nodded and followed the older doctor, almost afraid of what was about to be said.
Jesse stepped into the unoccupied room, followed by Mark and waited for whatever the older man was going to say. He knew that whatever it was, he didn't really want to hear, but at the same time it probably needed to be said.
"Jesse," Mark began after he had closed the door behind him. "I don't want to pry, and you know I think the world of Susan, but…"
Jesse looked up, nodded his head for Mark to continue.
Mark sighed slightly. "I know you love her, but…"
Jesse shook his head. "That's just it, Mark, I don't."
"Pardon?" Mark asked, confused.
"I don't love her." Jesse answered quietly. He sighed and shook his head. "It's been bad for us for awhile. We tried… I tried, really I did, but it just isn't working."
Mark wasn't sure what to say. He had brought Jesse in here to talk to him about his recently volatile relationship with Susan. Lately, things seemed to be getting worse. Ever since they had returned from their ill-fated trip to Carmel, things were worse than usual.
He liked Susan. She was nice, and an excellent nurse, but he had never been too confident with her relationship with Jesse. He had been kind of surprised to see them last as long as they had.
"What are you going to do?" Mark asked eventually.
Jesse shrugged. "We can't go on like this. We'll break things off, I guess. It's for the best." He stopped for a second. "Hopefully we can still be friends."
Before Mark could make any further comments the door opened and Amanda Bentley peeked her head through the door. Her eyes swept the room, settling on Jesse. "I saw Susan on her way out to the parking lot. She seemed kind of…tense."
Jesse groaned almost inaudibly, imagining what was to come "Thanks, Amanda. I better go." He left the room with an apologetic grin at Mark.
Amanda watched him leave and turned to Mark. "Problems?"
Mark smiled. "He's thinking about…" He wasn't sure what to say.
"Breaking things off with Susan?" Amanda guessed. Mark nodded. "That's good." She said. Mark looked a little surprised and Amanda shrugged. "They're my friends. Both of them, but they don't really belong together."
"You don't think they can work it out?" Mark asked carefully, quietly. He didn't really believe they could, and he wasn't so sure they should even try.
Amanda looked towards the door Jesse had disappeared out of before turning to face Mark again. "Susan isn't what Jesse needs. She can't be what he needs." The words were spoken quietly, and Amanda knew that Mark would want an explanation for her observation but she couldn't give him one. It wasn't her place to explain, or to tell.
"I'm sorry, Mark." She stepped away from him. "I can't say anymore."
Mark watched the pathologist disappear out of the door and wondered at what it was that just happened. In the space of just a few minutes he had been both relieved and confused.
He had come into this room for the express purpose of talking to Jesse about his relationship with Susan. He had hoped he could be of some sort of assistance, either for a sounding board for whatever Jesse felt comfortable in telling him, or to maybe help him out with whatever else had been bothering the young doctor these past few weeks.
It had been three weeks since Jesse and Susan had returned to work after their attempt at a vacation in Carmel. Three incredibly long weeks. It was that time of the year when the ER was plagued with constant patients, coming, going, being moved to other departments. All of which prevented even the most lax and uncaring doctor from doing anything other than working incredibly long hours, and trying to catch a few hours of sleep.
Jesse Travis was neither. He gave 110% to everything he did, his enthusiasm an extension to his caring nature. Mark doubted he had even seen the inside of his apartment in the past few weeks. And he knew from Steve's good-natured complaints the young doctor hadn't seen much of him either.
He'd spent nearly every waking hour at the hospital helping with the influx of patients, and what little time was left over was spent passed out in the doctor's lounge.
The flood of patients seemed to be over for the moment, and now Jesse was under strict instructions not to return to the hospital for six days. Hopefully his young friend would get the rest he needed, and maybe resolve this situation with Susan.
She had also worked several shifts during the recent crisis and it only seemed to draw attention to the fact that they were not getting along.
Mark sighed heavily as he stood up. He needed to get back to work and not worry so much about Jesse. He was a grown man after all.
The trouble was he considered Jesse to be more than a fellow doctor, he rather fancied him as another son.
A son he only wanted the best for.
Jesse approached the apartment cautiously. He didn't want to be here. He really didn't want to be anywhere near here, but it was way past time.
Jesse had agreed to meet Susan at her apartment after his shift to 'talk'. He didn't know what she wanted to talk about. Whether she felt, as he did, that it was time they ended things, before they really started to hate each other. Or if perhaps she wanted to fix things. The young doctor hoped not.
If getting involved with her to begin with all those months ago had been a mistake, then staying involved with her now was even more of one.
Taking a deep breath, Jesse lifted his hand to her door to knock, but before his fist even made contact with the wood, the door opened.
"Jesse, you're early." Susan smiled tightly at him.
Jesse nodded and stepped back a bit. "Yeah, I got off a little early."
"Good." Susan stepped back. "Come on in."
Jesse entered the familiar apartment and closed the door behind him. He felt kind of awkward just standing there, not sure of what to say, or how to start. Thankfully, he didn't have to.
"I'm sorry." Susan started as she moved into her living room and began pacing around, wringing her hands. "I never should have snapped at you like that. I shouldn't have said any of… that, and certainly not at work, in front of everybody."
Jesse felt himself nodding. As guilty as he felt for letting it go on as long as it had, she was right about that. She had been out of line. Maybe she was right about them being on separate planets these days, and not agreeing on anything anymore, and even on the fact that he didn't love her anymore, and probably never had. However triage was not the place to express that opinion, loudly, in front of several patients and an ER full of staff.
"Jesse… say something." Susan stopped pacing and stared at Jesse.
"It's not your fault. Any of it. This…" Jesse waved his hand around encompassing the room and the two of them. "This shouldn't have happened."
"No, that's not what I meant. That's not what I want." Susan stepped forward, grasping Jesse's arm tightly.
"Maybe not, but it's what you need. What we both need." Jesse's voice was quiet, honest, as he looked into her eyes.
Susan blinked and stepped back again. "This is about…" She gulped. "… him, isn't it?"
Jesse shook his head. "No, Susan, this has nothing to do with him, or anyone else. Just you and me. We're killing us here. We can barely work together, we're not friends anymore, we can barely stand to be in the same room."
Susan nodded slightly as she flopped back onto her couch. "You know, when you told me, back when we first started dating, that you didn't think this was a good idea, that you were in love… with someone else. That that someone else was a guy, I…"
"You thought you could change my mind? Make me forget him?" Jesse finished softly, sitting down next to her. "It doesn't work that way, Susan. We had some good times. Some really good times, and I care about you. Maybe I even loved you, in a way, but you knew going in that I was gay, bisexual at best, and nothing could change that." His words were soft, gentle.
Susan nodded, she understood, intellectually, but she didn't want it to be over. She loved him, and she had been convinced that she could make him see that she was right. That she was who he should be with, not some nameless man.
"Who is he?" Susan asked quietly. "This love of your life? This man who you can't ever stop loving, no matter how hard I've tried to make you forget?"
"It doesn't matter." Jesse spoke just as quietly as he stood up. "He doesn't feel the same, and he never will. It isn't possible for there to be more between us."
"So you'll break up with me, even knowing you can never have him?" Susan asked, confused.
"Yes." Jesse went to the door and opened it before turning back to her. "I'm sorry, Susan, I really am. I wish things could be different, but they can't."
He left her apartment and closed the door behind him, wishing, not for the first time, that he could be what she wanted, what she needed, but it just wasn't possible.
He had been in love with someone else when she first asked him out, and that hadn't changed. And now he had begun to feel that maybe she didn't really love him either. Their ill-fated trip to Carmel had shown him that there was a lot about Susan Hilliard he didn't know, and that maybe she had been running away as much as he had.
In any case, it didn't matter now. All he wanted right now was a hot shower and good long nap.
Lieutenant Steve Sloan stepped out of his car, his bag of Chinese takeout in one hand and a six-pack of beer in the other. He shut the car door with his hip before walking up to the entrance to his friend's apartment building.
It had been an incredible long several weeks. His father and best friend were stuck at the hospital most of the time, and he had double the caseload due to a couple of detectives out sick.
He and Jesse had finally hired a couple of people to help out at Barbecue Bob's, so luckily he didn't need to cover for Jesse too much. Which was good. He hated working there when Jesse was too busy to come in. It just wasn't the same.
And what exactly did that say about him that he'd rather be knee deep in murders than to work at a restaurant he shared with his best friend, when said best friend wasn't around?
Unfortunately, it didn't say anything about him he didn't already know.
Steve sighed inwardly, and forced his thoughts away from the place they seemed determined to take him. By the time he reached Jesse's front door, he thought he had been moderately successful.
Until Jesse opened the door.
Jesse blinked up at his friend in the opened doorway to his apartment in confusion. "Steve?" He racked his brain trying to remember if he should have been expecting his friend.
Steve stood on the other side of the door, staring. His eyes were drawn, against his will to Jesse's shirtless chest, then down to his jeans-clad legs and bare feet.
It was clear that Jesse hadn't been expecting him. That thought bothered him slightly. Sure they hadn't made definite plans, but it was ritual of sorts. Jesse should have remembered. It was a ritual the young doctor had started. Every Monday, after what was usually an exhausting day at work for both of them, they met up and vegged out on the couch with beer and Chinese food. Jesse must have had a lot on his mind to forget.
Steve was about to tease him about it when he looked into his friend's eyes. Jesse looked confused and tired. Not just a physical exhaustion kind of tired, but bone weary.
"Jess? What's wrong?" Steve asked as he gently pushed his way into the apartment and closed the door behind him.
Jesse silently followed his friend into the kitchen and watched distractedly as Steve moved around his kitchen, getting out plates, and silverware, and splitting the food up. He seemed so comfortable in the kitchen, almost like he belonged there. He couldn't remember Susan ever looking as at home in his kitchen.
//I wonder what that means?// Jesse sighed inwardly. //Don't go there!//
"What are you doing here?" Jesse asked,
Steve stopped what he was doing for a second and turned to look at his friend, one eyebrow raised.
Jesse grinned slightly. "I didn't mean…" He chuckled. "You know what I mean."
Steve grinned as he lifted one of the plates. "It's Monday."
Jesse blinked, knowing that in some reality that wasn't this one, that statement made sense. "It's Monday." He spoke the two words as if they were Greek. "O-kay… You brought Chinese food." He nodded once, and then suddenly everything became clear. "Oh, it's Monday, and you brought Chinese food!"
Steve watched Jesse carefully, pleased that he remembered, but concerned that it took him so long. He brought the two plates and a couple of bottles of beer out into the living room and set them on the coffee table.
Jesse followed him into the living room and flopped down on the couch next to him. When he felt the upholstery on his bare back, he remembered that he wasn't really dressed. Normally this would make him extremely self-conscious, but he was just too tired to care.
He wasn't hungry but he knew that if he didn't eat, Steve would be more concerned than he was already. He sighed and began to eat.
The two sat on the living room couch and ate in silence. After about fifteen minutes, Steve turned to look at his friend.
"You want to talk about it?"
Jesse froze for a second and then set his plate down, trying to think of the best way to respond. A partial truth seemed to be the best option.
"I broke up with Susan."
That revelation was surrounded by silence. Steve wasn't really sure what to say. Was this a good thing, or a bad thing? As far as he was concerned it was nothing but good, but could he say that? He didn't think it would go over too well.
"I'm sorry." Steve said, with as much sympathy as he could muster.
"No you're not." Jesse grinned slightly at his friend's valiant attempt to comfort him.
"I…" Steve hesitated and then chuckled slightly. "No, I'm not."
"It's okay. You were right." Jesse stood up and took their plates into the kitchen and began putting the left over food away.
"I was? About what?" Steve asked in slight confusion as he followed his best friend into the kitchen.
"Remember when I first started dating Susan and you told me that there was someone out there for me and she wasn't it?" Jesse turned to look into his friend's eyes, piercing him with their intensity.
"Oh, that." Steve spoke softly. He remembered that conversation only too well.
"You remember when you said that there was a person out there, waiting for me, and they were probably closer than I thought?" Jesse stepped nearer to his friend.
Steve gulped and nodded. "Yeah."
"You were right." Jesse spoke quietly, taking a step away from Steve. "Unfortunately, the person who I want and the one who wants me aren't the same." His voice was tinged with sadness and he moved away from the kitchen and towards his bedroom. Just before he reached the bedroom door he stopped. "Listen I'm not real good company tonight. Maybe we should take a raincheck." He disappeared into the room, hoping that Steve would leave him alone to work through this himself.
Steve watched his friend disappear into the bedroom, and recognized his friend's need for privacy, but he couldn't just leave. Not if what he was sensing from his friend were true. A part of him was scared to death that whatever happened next had the potential to ruin whatever friendship they had now, but another, stronger part knew that if he was right, so much more could be gained.
He sat down in one of the kitchen chairs and took off his jacket and shoes, knowing all the while he was making a conscious decision to change the nature of his relationship with Jesse.
Dressed in only a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, Steve made his way quietly to Jesse's room. Jesse was sprawled on his bed, on his stomach, now wearing only his boxers. He stopped and admired the view for a second before moving forward.
Steve sat on the edge of the bed. Jesse didn't even really seem surprised to feel the bed dip with the cop's weight.
"You're still here." Jesse spoke quietly, staring straight ahead.
"You're wrong, you know." Steve spoke quietly, his hand touching Jesse's bare shoulder. He felt Jesse tense slightly underneath him but didn't move.
"Oh?" Jesse shifted slightly so he could face his friend. "What am I wrong about?"
"About me, not wanting… you." Steve's eyes trailed along Jesse's body, causing slight goosebumps to appear on the younger man's skin.
Jesse was shocked at the change in the atmosphere. He wasn't really certain what was happening, or why. He only knew that this wasn't something he had expected, nor was it something he could turn away from.
"You… want me?" He asked quietly, sitting up.
Steve reached out a hand and gently trailed it across Jesse's chest. "Yes, for a long time."
Jesse's eyes widened as he took in the man before him, sitting on his bed, in a tight dark blue T-shirt, caressing his own naked chest. "How long?" He whispered as he moved closer.
"Years." Steve whispered just before claiming Jesse's lips in a kiss.
Jesse returned the kiss with equal fervor, bringing the older man on top of his body, his hands going around to grip the cop through his jeans.
Steve groaned into Jesse's mouth as their bodies aligned. They continued to kiss, their tongues playing out a battle of their own, not sure who would win, or particularly caring.
After several long, heated moments, Jesse pulled back, relaxing into the bed and stared up at his friend. "Are you sure about this? We can't go back. I can't go back, not now."
Steve kissed him again, this time more tenderness, less passion. "I don't want to go back. Only forward."
Jesse succumbed to the passion boiling just below the surface, emotions he'd held in check for so long, finally finding an outlet.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, Jesse wondered how this was going to change things. How this was going to affect their lives, and their friends, and how they were going to deal with things.
But soon, his brain shut down, and his body took over, and for once, he let it.
The End