Work Text:
Days Are Just Like Moments Turned To Hours
by Ragna
writinggoddess@aol.com
God, it's the end of the world. Again. Angel and Buffy are in the other room, making plans, talking about what needs to be done to deal with it. They're always talking. And I love them both, I really do, but...
I do love Angel, more than anything in the world, more than anyone else I've ever been with. And I've been with a few people, mind you. And Buffy...
When she isn't pulling the who "I am the Slayer, I must do everything by myself" routine, she's wonderful to be around, too. She's warm, she always smells like vanilla. To fall asleep between her and Angel is a wonderful feeling.
But, even though the world is going to end and it sounds like there isn't a damn thing we can do to stop it, we're still a heavily guarded secret.
I hate the fact that Buffy and Angel can kiss each other, hold each other, whisper in each other's ears in public. And I can't be a part of it, because Buffy's afraid.
And that's why I'm here alone in bed, pretending to feel sick, just crying my eyes out. I want to be Buffy. Or rather, I want to be *with* Buffy. *And* Angel. At the same time, in public, just once before we go. I want to be able to sit at a coffee shop and kiss Buffy and not have to worry about what someone thinks. Or go to a pizza place, split a pizza with her while sitting on Angel's lap.
I hate being the one left on the outside. We're The ABC Gang, when we're alone. And I love it, I really do. I can trace the shape of Angel's tattoo without him being there, I know it so well. And even though we're really careful because of the moment of happiness clause, I can kiss him...kiss her...kiss them together...sleep next to them...love them...
But to the public eye, I'm just a friend.
***
Two days left till the end of the world. I'm curled up in Angel's arms; Buffy's out on patrol. He won't sleep between the two of us. Too much temptation, he says. So we trade places every night. Tonight it's my night in the middle, but it's just me and Angel right now.
I can't sleep. He's rubbing my back to get me to sleep but it's not working. I keep thinking about the world ending and whether or not I'll get to scream from the rooftops that I love him and I love Buffy and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about it because I, Cordelia Chase, know the world's going to end and in a day or two no one's going to be around to say anything about it anyway.
But I keep quiet. We've been through this before. Buffy resents sharing Angel, I know that, but she loves me, too, so she shares. And hey, I resent sharing him sometimes, too. But that's mostly because I get to paste on my happy, plastic cheerleader smile, the one I perfected so long ago, and pretend that I don't give a rat's ass about either of them.
God, I want a drink.
But then I realize his hands have stopped moving and Angel, my Angel, has fallen asleep. I turn slowly, quietly...
He's so beautiful. He deserves the name Angel.
***
Tomorrow...tomorrow it's all over. No way to stop it, nothing to do but spend time with your loved ones. Only a few of us know, and we're doing things in our own way.
Angel got a hold of Spike, told him he was sorry for ever turning Drusilla loose, and letting her turn him. Spike said it was all right; life as William would have been hell, anyway. And if he had to go, might as well go balls out, you know?
Buffy spent a few hours by Faith's bedside today. She never goes to see her, but today...today something just compelled her. I think Buffy started to cry, because Faith was never going to wake up and she'd die without ever getting to see another day.
Xander and Anya spent the whole day together. So did Willow and her new friend Tara. I think Willow tried to get a hold of Oz, but I don't think it happened. Maybe I'll call and ask her.
So, now it's just the three of us. And I'm tired of this silence crap.
"I'm going out."
I go to pick up my purse when Buffy's hand grabs mine. "Wait, Cordy."
"Why?"
"I...I want to go with you."
"Once again: why?"
Buffy shrugged. "I just...do."
"Fine. Just let go of my wrist."
"Can I hold your hand, then?"
I stare at her and watch as she slips her hand into mine. "We can wait...until it's dark," I whisper. "And Angel can come, too."
Angel came over and hugged us both, kissing our foreheads lightly. "I think that's a great idea."
And then I just started to sob, and I couldn't stop, not until the sun set and we went outside.
***
Today's the day. Last night, we came clean. Wasn't as hard as I'd expected; I guess everyone had known. Turns out Willow's gay, and Tara's her girlfriend, so we weren't the only ones with secrets.
Gathering at Giles' place was Buffy's idea. Angel, Buffy and I on the couch, curled up near each other, Xander and Anya on the loveseat, Willow and Tara on the floor, Giles and Buffy's mom in the kitchen, Spike at the dining room table...we're all here. Friends, enemies, lovers...no one got turned away.
The rest of Sunnydale may be doing their day-to-day thing, but we're here, just waiting.
I wonder what death is like. I've asked Angel before, when it's just been he and I, and Buffy's been on patrol. He told me it felt like a loss of something deep inside him. And I asked Buffy, too. She said it was like going into a really deep sleep.
We don't know when the world's going to end, exactly. I wish we did. Then I could go to sleep, be like Faith and not feel a thing. Just go peacefully into the day or night and just...just let it all end.
Buffy grips my hand and I look at her. She's smiling at me, weakly, and shakes her head. "I'm going to miss you," she says quietly.
"Yeah, me too."
"See you in Heaven?"
"Oh, of course. I'll be at the big Neiman Marcus in the sky."
Buffy's smile strengthens a bit. It's the last thing I see before my world goes black.
END