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Published:
2020-11-05
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Painful Loves

Summary:

Rodney was afraid. He'd never been loved.
This is a Rodney hurt/comfort. This may or may not be finished. The only way for me to decide is if YOU GUYS review. How do I know if you like it if you don't tell me?

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Painful Loves

By Crow

my on-line shop: http://www.cafepress.com/1crowsdesigns

***thanks to Penny for the beta.***
***just a short little pre-slash.****

 

*****

Rodney stood at the railing that he'd almost been thrown over the year before his face the picture of pain. He did not like where his thoughts were going. The day was beautiful all around him, the sky was a brilliant blue and the waves gently lapped at the sides of Atlantis. It was the embodiment of calm, the direct opposite of the head scientists face and the emotions that lay beneath the surface. He simply wished that he could control those emotions. They had nothing to do with the year before or the weather around him.

Rodney McKay was lost in his past, his childhood to be exact. His memories were what caused him pain now because they were back to haunt him now that it seemed he'd finally found happiness. He had a job he loved even if it exhausted him to his core, even if he spent most of his time worrying for the lives of himself and the people around him on a daily bases. Even if he was the one they looked to to make the world right when something went wrong. He loved it here and he loved what he did every day. He was also shocked to find that he loved the people around him. Though he would rather get his thumbnails pulled out than to admit that out loud to himself or any of them.

There was a particular person in his mind that he cared for above all else. One Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, a flyboy, Rodney couldn't believe he'd fallen for a flyboy. But he had and he'd fallen hard, and it was that flyboy who had Rodney thinking of his own past in pain. Rodney had realized that he wanted Sheppard when Sheppard had left for his suicide flight against one of the Wraith ships that had threatened their city a few weeks ago. He'd found out when Sheppard returned that he was more than just relieved that the Col. had survived, he had wanted to hug the man senseless or beat him within an inch of his life for making the fatigued scientist worry about him.

Now all he could do is see Sheppard in his dreams. The skilled hands running along the doctors body holding him close. Rodney let the clouds on his face be replaced by a hopeful half smile. But then those awful memories from the past reared their ugly heads. Rodney had been cornered in his lab by Sheppard an hour ago, it turned out the good Colonel wanted his favorite geek as much as said geek wanted the flyboy. There lie the problem; the Colonel had kissed the object of his affection only to find himself alone in the lab a second later as Rodney ran out of the room for the nearest transporter then to this very balcony.

"Rodney?"

*Shit!* Rodney jumped and spun towards the sound of his name. His face a study of shock, pain, hope, and fear, he tried to curb in his emotions.

Sheppard was standing on the stairs that Elizabeth and McKay had shivered on the year before during a nightmarish storm. He stepped down with a look of confusion on his face.
He approached the scientist like the man would run again if Sheppard moved to fast.
"I'm sorry if I upset you, Rodney. I thought that you felt the same for me that I feel for you. I thought that's what I was picking up from you. I was wrong I guess. It won't happen again I promise." Sheppard had a pleading look on his face. "Please can we still be friends?"

Rodney sighed, "I am not upset that you kissed me. I do like you, Sheppard. It's just hard for me. I don't want to push you away but ......I .....I'm afraid." He would usually have snarky remarks for Sheppard; today it seemed that defense had failed him. He had nothing but his own pain and the desire to make this beautiful man understand him. Rodney looked down at his shoes and was afraid to catch the eyes of the man he desperately wanted as his lover but fear held his tongue were normally it would have had him talking none stop.

"Why? I want to understand why you're scared. Maybe I can help take that fear away." Little by little John Sheppard inched closer to the man he wanted above all other people. His face the image of care and understanding, knowing that Rodney couldn't be pushed.

"I don't know how to say what I want to say without sounding like an idiot." He raised his eyes hopefully to the beautiful man next to him. But John could also see the fear as well as doubt and disbelief in those gorgeous eyes that seemed to match the very sky on clear days. He smiled but said nothing encouraging Rodney to keep speaking with a nod of his head. "No body has ever really loved me or wanted me before. Oh, they've needed my intellect and my expertise but they've never wanted or loved me. And I could feel those things in that kiss you gave me and it scared me because I have never wanted anything so much in my life and I'm so afraid that I'll suddenly wake up or something. That you won't really want me." He took a deep breath and waited like he was waiting for sentencing at his own trial.

"Rodney, I'm quite sure that your parents and family love you and everyone here likes you." John didn't want to show that this really did seem like a very silly conversation to him but the scientist seemed to feel very strongly and John didn't think that laughing would get him what he wanted, which was Rodney in his arms sharing the taste of his mouth with the Colonel.

"My parents never loved me. I was nothing but an unwelcome burden to them." Rodney spoke softly and to the sea around them not daring to hold Sheppard's eyes while he spoke. "I had no real friends in school because I was pushed through grades and was always so much younger than my schoolmates. The only time any of the other students were friendly is if they wanted me to do their homework."

"Rodney, I'm sure your parents loved you even if they didn't show it very well."

"No, Sheppard. I'd asked them when I was small; they said they couldn't love such a freak, that I wasn't worth the cost to feed and cloth." Rodney looked up at Sheppard and was taken back by the rage he saw in his team leader's eyes. Rodney took a quick step back from Sheppard, "I....I...I'm sorry! I didn't mean to dump my insecurities on you. I should, um, get back to my labs."

He turned to make a quick escape.*Great now I've managed to anger the one person I never wanted to loose. I should have kept my big mouth shut.* But before he could get even two steps away a hand grabbed his arm and spun him around. Sheppard closed the distance between them and cupped Rodney's face in his hands. Suddenly he leaned in and kissed the startled man with a possessive and passionate claiming kiss that took the scientists breath away. Rodney looked a bit confused and lost when his lips were released.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault that you got assholes for parents." He continued to cup the now blushing man's face in his hands rubbing his thumbs across Rodney's cheekbones forcing him to look into the Colonel's eyes. "If those fools couldn't see what a treasure they had then it's all the better for us here on Atlantis. Because we love you, I love you, we need you, and I need you. You have a family here."

John Sheppard pulled Rodney McKay to him. He lowered one arm and placed his hand on the scientist's lower back and slid the other to the nape of Rodney's neck pressing his body as solidly to the other man's as he could. "Your mine now, I'll make sure that there isn't a doubt in your mind that you are loved and needed. Everyday I'll make you forget the shitheads from your past. I'll make you feel loved and needed in every way possible. Will you let me do that Rodney? Will you be mine?" John placed gentle possessive kisses on Rodney's lips and the line of his jaw and then slid down to the side of his neck just below Rodney's left ear. There he suckled and licked tender skin.

"Hummm. Yes Colonel." Rodney timidly placed his hands on Sheppard's shoulders melting into the strong arms holding him close. He had never felt so safe and secure, loved and wanted. He returned the possessive and desire filled kiss, letting go of his past, painful loves for the promise before him.

"John, Rodney, John I think it's time you called me by my first name."

~FIN~
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