Work Text:
The one with the Glory song in it
by Draxar
(Classroom scene. Caption 'Watcher school'. Lots of teenage boys, all dressed in tweed. Tweed t-shirts, tweed jeans, the whole nine yards. One of them looks rather like a teenaged version of Rupert Giles. At the front of the class is a middle aged man, slightly more sensibly dressed in a tweed suit, tweed shirt and tweed tie.)
Teacher: Now, what demon was it that the ninety-first slayer fought in the lost city of Moo? (nobody answers) Come on now? (still nothing) I'll give you a clue, it starts with a 'G' (one pupil looks like he's about to raise his hand, then shakes his head) Oh come on... how come nobody can ever remember the name of
grathor-raggit-denagor-thorax-quathix-shnooplewax-weerec-uoth-vooneger-mckenzie-\
floofy-gumberaber-shonedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-corax-garou-rokea-nuswasha-ba\
stet-nagah-gural-mokole-kitsune-anazai-george, despoiler of west Leominster, botherer of Bodminton, the beast of Offa's
Dyke?
***
(Buffy, Giles and Xander are all in Buffy's college room, Buffy is under the effect of the 'caveman' beer)
Buffy: mmm... boy smell good. (Goes up close to Xander)
Xander: Me, Buffy? (Buffy puts her arms around him, he grins)
Giles: No, she Buffy, you Xander.
(Buffy starts to kiss Xander when Willow bursts in)
Willow: Buffy, vampire!
Giles: No, Buffy slayer, you witch, me watcher.
(Buffy starts dragging Xander towards the bedroom, and he doesn't put up much resistance (well... would you?))
Xander: Now, Buffy? Hanky panky? (They disappear through the door)
Giles: No, Buffy Cave-woman, me silly, Willow confused, you lucky bastard.
***
(Angelus, Drusilla and Spike are running, another of their devious schemes has been thwarted by Buffy (she does a bit of thwarting with the slaying y'know), they are heading for the factory. They run around a corner and there it is.)
Angelus: The factory!
Drusilla: The factory!
Spike: It's just a computer generated image
Angelus & Drusilla: Shhh!
(Cut to inside the factory, where all the minions are doing a musical number)
Minions: We're the minions at the factory
We dance whenever we're free
We practice our song, we go on an on
With simple choreography.
We eat well at the factory,
Blood is breakfast dinner and tea.
(cut to the minions standing in front of a bench, they jump off and on the bench in time with the music)
We're the minions at the factory,
Our songs are satisfactory.
They're hard to rhyme, but give us time,
We'll be beating Michael Flatterly.
We're harmony mad at the factory,
We're always in the right key.
At night we do our devilry,
Indulge in mindless savagery.
During the day, we cook soufflé, and read about the economy
It's hectic in the factory?
Lone minion: I have to wash the settee.
(Cut back to Angelus, Drusilla & Spike)
Angelus: On second thoughts, let's not go to the factory. It is a silly place.
***
"And it came to pass in Draxar's fanfic that Xander was taken from Sunnydale to another place. Where he was lain to rest himself amongst sheets of muslin and velvet.
"And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient.
"For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and caressed him.
"His hair, ruffled they. And their fingers rubbethed they in oil of olives, and ranneth them across all parts of his body for as much as to soothe him.
"And the soles of his feet licked they. And the upper parts of his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees.
"And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbled they the pointed bits at the top of his ears. Yea verily, and did their tongues thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places.
"For fifteen days and nights did Xander withstand these maidens, until he cried out, saying:
"'This...is fantastic! Oh...this is _terrific!!_'
"And Draxar did hear the cry of Xander. And verily came He down and slew the maidens. And caused their cottonwool bugs to blow away, and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly.
"And Xander, in his anguish, cried out that Draxar was a rotten bastard.
"So Draxar sent Buffy and Willow to comfort Xander for the weekend.
"And entered they together the jaccuzzi."
***
(Amy stands alone on a stage, dressed in a stunning red ball gown)
Amy: (sings) Never summon a slime demon,
A qullthug, a formori or sluagoo.
Never call up a bloodthirster,
No matter what you do
Never invoke Great Cthulhu,
Orcus, Tiamat or the Wyrm,
And never create an-
(Huge tentacles come onto the stage and pull a screaming Amy off)
***
(Glory lies on her bed, reading a book of ancient prophecy, suddenly she throws it down in disgust)
Glory: Arrgh!! Why couldn't any of these prophets written in proper English? I mean, if they could see the future, then they should know how we write now. I've had it up to here with 'thee's', 'thou's' and 'forasmuch's'. Minion!
(Ugly Minion 1 runs quickly into the room)
UM1: Yes, your Glorificusness..
Glory: This prophecy annoys me, I'm going out to buy some clothes on Ben's credit card, that should make me feel better. Clean this place up.
UM1: Of course your magnificent perfectness (He bows)
(Glory leaves the room)
(A few moments after she's left, Ugly Minion 2 pokes his head through the door)
UM2: Has she gone?
UM1: Yeah, she's off to buy some more slutty clothes.
(Ugly Minion 3 pokes his head around the other side of the door)
UM3: Does that mean we can do our practice?
UM1: Uh huh, as long as we're not too loud and we finish before she gets back.
UM2: That's right, we don't want to spoil the surprise, she?ll really love us when we do this.
UM3: Okay so we're ready? Right then (Whispers magic spell, the lights all go out.)
UM1: (spotlight appears from nowhere on him, he's now wearing a grass skirt, singing) Glory!
UM2: (second spotlight appears on him, he has several oranges, a few bananas and a pineapple arranged as a hat on his head, singing) Glo-or-or-ory
UM3: (Third spotlight appears on him, he wearing a very bad Hawaiian shirt and drumming on a pear of bongos, singing) She's the greatest demon we've ever known!
Ugly minions: (The lights come up and the bedroom has turned into a painted beach backdrop, the three minions sing together): Glory, Glo-or-or-ory Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
She beat up the slayer, and made her run,
She's the greatest demon weve ever known!
She sucked out the brains of the witch's hun.
Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
Come little Key girl, merge the dimensions
Glorificus, she wanna go home,
The end of the universe, that's our intension
Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
Glory, Glo-or-or-ory
She's the greatest demon we've ever known!
Glory, Glo-or-or-ory
Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
She killed six people, seven people, eight whole people.
She's not very nice, she won't leave you alone
She killed six people, seven people, eight whole people.
Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
When she get tired, she become sissy nurse man,
He don't like this, he want to be alone.
She was put into him by the other demons,
Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
Glory, me say Glo-or-or-ory,
She's the greatest demon we've ever known!
Glory, me say Glo-or-or-ory
Gonna destroy the earth cause she wanna go home
Glory, me say Glory, me say Glory, me say glory?