SquidgeWorld Archive

(Impressive intro music starts, Caption flashes up on the screen in big letters THE ORIGIN OF THE SLAYER)

(Cut to Willow, lying on a huge heart shaped bed with red wearing an incredibly sexy set of black lace lingerie, bra, panties, stockings, the whole set. She writhes sensuously whist miming to Giles' voice, Caption: 'Professor R Giles')

Willow: (miming to Giles' voice) Good evening, tonight I want to examine the question 'where does the slayer come from', in terms of it's application in the day to day vampire hunting, as well as in academic terms. But first, a bit of fun...

(Cut to 10 second clip of Tara sexily striping her clothes off)

Willow: (Still in Giles' voice) Here is Professor Alexander Harris to tell us what we know about the early history of the Slayer.

(Cut to Xander wearing an expensive suit, sitting on an equally seductive bed, being caressed and undressed by an amorous Buffy who is a set of red negligee that are even more revealing that Willows)

Xander: Well, the theory that is currently in favour among the watcher fraternity is that the Slayer was a normal girl empowered by the powers that be to redress the imbalance created when the last demon created the first vampire. Very little is known about the first slayer, but what we have discovered will be explained later in the program. But first, a bit of fun... (Grabs Buffy, she giggles as the begins to kiss her neck)

(Cut to desert island, with sand, palm trees and a large leather chair. Angel choirs singing, Spike is lowered down from above on wires, wearing a dinner jacket, with angel's wings folded against his back, angel choirs fade out. Spike searches in his pockets and brings out an old crumpled piece of paper)

Spike: And now, Professor W. Wyndam-Price.
(Cut to Wesley, wearing his 'rouge demon hunter' leathers, sitting behind a TV newsdesk)

Wesley: Little miss moppet sat on a tuffet. And now, the birth of Dracula. (Behind Wesley a picture of 'The Count' from Sesame Street appears) Tonight we examine theories as to the identity of this powerful vampire. Was he bond Vlad Dracul, a prince in the country of Transalvania who fought against Turkish occupiers before being turned into a vampire on the eve of his defeat? Our was he a young man from Yorkshire, know to his friends as 'our Shawn', who had an undistinguished sire, but a great PR agent? Here is one man who thinks it was...

(Cut to Riley, standing in the middle of a field, looking completely idiotic, wearing a pair of rolled up jeans, a dirty shirt, and a knotted handkerchief on his head)

Wesley: (Voice over) And here is his friend (camera zooms out to show Forest standing next to Riley, dressed identically. Camera zooms back to just Riley, Caption: 'Dr R Finn is show at the bottom of the screen) What makes you think that Dracula was from Cudworth in East Yorkshire?

Riley: (long pause, then slow speaking) Because... our... Shawn... outsmarted... all... those... slayers...

Wesley: (voice over) What?

Riley: Oh... I've forgotten what I was going to say now.

Wesley: (voice over) Mr Finn's views have sparked off a wave of controversy among fellow demonologists.

(Cut to and identical Riley, wearing all the same things, in a book lined stud. Caption: 'Professor A R Finn, Professor and holder of the chair of Vampiology at his mother's house')

2nd Riley: Well... I... think... we... should... reappraise... our... view... of... the... origin... of... Dracula.

(Cut to a third identical Riley, this time sitting on a bench in front of a university. Caption: Professor D J Finn)

3rd Riley: Well... I agree with everything Mr Riley says

(Cut to a fourth Riley, standing in a pigsty, surrounded by pigs)

4th Riley: Well, I think that cement is a lot more interesting than most people realise.

(Cut back to Willow in her boudoir, still in her sexy lingerie. Caption: Professor R Giles.)

Willow: (Giles' voice) One subject, four views... (Waves small Union Jack flag) and a partridge in a pear tree).

(Cut to partridge in pear tree. Zoom out to see Spike below, jumping up to try and grab the bird, and failing miserably)

Spike: (Annoyed) Get down here you annoying bird, I'm hungry!

***

(Giles' magic shop, it is set up as it is normally, but at the moment there is nobody there)

Buffy: (Walks in though front door. Looks around to see if anyone's there) Giles? You here? Anyone?

Giles: (walks in from training room) Oh, hi Buffy. I've got to do a few things in the training room, I'll be out in a minute. (Goes back in)

Buffy: Okay. (Sits at table, starts reading one of the tomes left there)

(The chandelier holding up the lights suddenly falls without warning, crashing into a table full of crystals, and doing a lot of damage. Giles comes back into the room and looks at Buffy questioningly)

Buffy: The chandelier fell down.

Giles: What?

Buffy: (flustered) The chandelier... it... fell off the roof.

Giles: (disbelieving but still fairly polite) Okay, I'll just go get a broom.

(Giles leaves the room, closing the door behind him, as he does so the bookcase fixed to the wall by the door slowly but unstoppably falls forwards and hits a cut prices display of reptile eyes, scattering glass, water and eyes everywhere.)

(Giles opens the door again, and his eyebrows at Buffy)

Buffy: (more flustered) Er, it... it fell of the wall.

(Giles looks at her sceptically)

Buffy: It just came right off the wall.

Giles: Really, Buffy?

Buffy: Yeah, I... I didn't touch it.

Giles: (Ironically) Of course not, it just fell off the wall.

Buffy: Yeah, that's right.

Giles: I suppose I'd better go and get the broom and mop then. Don't move. (Leaves room)

Buffy: Just... just fell off the wall.

(Willow enters)

Willow: Hi Buffy! (Notices destruction) Oh my god! Did you do all this Buffy?

Buffy: No! No I didn't do any of this, it just... happened.

Willow: Okay, I know a spell that can help clear up this mess. Here, hold this Buffy (she hands Buffy an ornate dagger.)

Buffy: Wow, this is a nice dagger. Magic?

Willow: Yeah, it's from Brazil. Oops (slips on water and eye covered floor, falls backwards onto the dagger she's just given Buffy, collapses at Buffy's feet dead.)

Buffy: (She stares in horror at Willows body, and the blood on the dagger and her hands. She becomes aware of someone else in the room, and looks up to see Tara staring at her in horror.) Er... she fell... she just fell on the dagger.

Tara: (Soothingly) Yes, of course she did Buffy.

Buffy: Yeah, she just gave me the dagger, and then... tripped.

Tara: (Backing slowly away from Buffy, trying to humour her) Yes, I understand.

Buffy: I mean I didn't... well... you know...

Tara: Oh no, of course not.

Buffy: I mean she just...

Tara: Fell?

Buffy: Fell.

Tara: (Backs away too far, and falls down the open trapdoor into the basement) Aaarghh!!

(Giles and Xander enter together)

Buffy: Hi Xan, I'm glad you're here. There seems to have been an accident... well several accidents really.

Xander: (Soothingly) It's okay Buffy, whatever's wrong we can sort it out. (moves to stand by her, gently takes her by the arm) Aaah! (Clutches chest) It's... it's my heart. (Collapses to the floor)

Giles: Buffy, what is going on? (Moves towards her, but as he does so, a large section of ceiling falls down, crushing him underneath)

Buffy: I'll... I'll go and get help.

(Moves towards the door of the shop, bookcases, shelves and display cases falling around her as she walks. She reaches door, opens walks through then closes it. When she closes it, the entire building disintegrates around it, leaving a huge pile of rubble, and Buffy still holing the door.)

Buffy: Sorry.

***

(Large caption: An apology)

Xander: (Voice over while the words he speaks roll slowly across the screen Star Wars style.) Joss Whedon, Warner Brothers, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox and Joss Whedon's mum would like to apologise for the way that authority figures are presented n Buffy: the Vampire Slayer. It was never our intention to imply that all teachers are either useless and pathetic people who can't control a class much less teach them, or Nazi-like figures, drunk on power with no real caring for the kids. We would also like to add that we never intended to give the impression that moist politicians are figures of evil, who entered into Faustian pacts to achieve their power, and who's relationships with young girls are suspect. We would also like to say that we do not think that all policemen are corrupt donut-eating fatsos. We are sorry if this impression has come across. Thank you.

***

(Scene: The Initiative base. The Commanding Officer of the Initiative's office. He is sitting at his desk, in fatigues, when Riley enters, also wearing fatigues.)

Commander: Yes, Agent Riley, what do you want?

Riley: I'd like to leave the Initiative please, sir.

Commander: Good god Riley! Why?

Riley: It's dangerous.

Commander: What?

Riley: There are creatures out there with claws, sir.

Commander: What?

Riley: And fangs, sir. And horns, sir. So I'd like to leave, before I get killed.

Commander: Riley, you've only been in the Initiative for a day.

Riley: I know sir, but get killed, properly dead, no pretending. One of the guys was telling me that if one of those beast is wandering around, we have to go and catch it.

Commander: Well, that's true.

Riley: I mean, who knows what could happen when I'm out there? I could get hurt.

Commander: Riley, why did you join the Initiative?

Riley: For the travel sir, and the water skiing. Not for the demon hunting. I asked them to put it on my form: no demon hunting.

Commander: Riley, are you a pacifist?

Riley: No sir, I'm not a pacifist. I'm a coward.

Commander: That's a very silly line, go and sit down.

Riley: Yes sir. Silly, sir. Sitting down now, sir.

(There is a knock on the door, then Angel walks in, wearing a sergeants uniform. He salutes the Commander)

Commander: What the hell are you doing on my base?

Angel: (Shrugs) Hey if he can get away with being a soldier (points at Riley), I can too. (Back to business voice) There are a couple of civilians here to see you, sir.

Commander: (Still looking at Angel suspiciously) Well, send them in then.

Angel: Mr Trick, and Mr... Luke.

(Two vampires, Mr Trick, and the Masters henchman Luke walk in, both wearing Mafia type suits and dark glasses.)

Mr Trick: Good morning, commander.

Commander: Good morning gentlemen. Now, what can I do for you?

Luke: You've got a really nice army base her, Commander.

Commander: Yes.

Luke: We wouldn't want anything to happen to it, now would we?

Commander: What?

Mr Trick: What my associate means is it would be a shame if... (He knocks something off the desk.) Oh sorry Commander.

Commander: Well, never mind that. But do sit down.

Luke: Thank you Commander, but we prefer to stand.

Commander: Alright, then what do you want?

Mr Trick: What do we want? (Chuckles mirthlessly) Ha ha ha.

Luke: Ha ha ha, very good Commander.

Mr Trick: The Commander's a joker, Luke.

Luke: Explain it to the Commander, Mr Trick.

Mr Trick: How many soldiers do you have here Commander?

Comander: A few hundred, maybe five hundred altogether.

Luke: Five hundred? Oooh!

Mr Trick: You ought to be careful commander.

Commander: We are _extremely_ careful.

Luke: 'Cause things... break, don't they?

Commander: Break?

Luke: Well, everything breaks, doesn't it? (he breaks something on the Commanders desk)

Mr Trick: Oh dear. You see, my associate is a little clumsy, and when he gets upset he breaks things. Like, say he feels the Initiative isn't playing fair by him, he may start to break things.

Commander: What is this all about?

Luke: How many weapons do you have on this base Commander?

Commander: Well... about 1000 rifles, 300 taser guns and 100 tranquilizer guns.

Mr Trick: Rifles, Luke.

Luke: Be a shame if they were to explode, wouldn't it.

Commander: Explode?

Luke: Malfunctions happen, Commander.

Mr Trick: Things explode.

Commander: Look, what is this all about?

Mr Trick: We have a little... proposition for you Commander.

Luke: Could save you a lot of bother.

Mr Trick: I mean you're doing all right here aren't you, Commander?

Luke: Well suppose some of your weapons were to get broken and troops started getting lost, and fights started breaking out during general inspection?

Mr Trick: It wouldn't be good for business would it, Colonel?

Commander: Are you threatening me?

Mr Trick: Oh, no, no, no.

Luke: Whatever made you think that, Commander?

Mr Trick: The Commander doesn't think we're nice people, Luke.

Luke: We're your friends, Commander.

Mr Trick: We want to look after you.

Commander: Look after me?

Luke: We can guarantee you that not a single soldier will get done over for fifteen bob a week.
(To the one side of the Commander there is a closet. Suddenly the door opens, and inside are Buffy and Xander, kissing and carresing.)

Buffy: (Disentangles herself from Xander, and turns around and walks towards the Commanders desk, leaning Xander staning in the closet with tusseled hair and an open shirt that shows his chest) Okay, this scene is just silly and has gone on far too long.

(Buffy takes a stake from her pocket, despite the fact her trousers are skin tight, I mean, how does she do that? Ahem, sorry. She stakes Mr Trick and Luke quickly, and the floors the commander with a punch. Turns around to see Riley.)

Riley: (Nervous) Er... hi.

Buffy: (Knocks Riley out with a quick kick to the head, then turns back to Xander.) Now, where were we? (Goes back into the closet, closing the door behind her.)

***

(Riley and Wesley are in a room. The books, desk, etc. show this room to be a study. Wesley is sittng at the desk, typing into an old fashioned typewriter he is wearing his 'full tweed' suit, Riley is standing behind him, wearing full formal military dress.)

Riley: (dictating) Dear sir. I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms. Yours sincerely, Agent R Finn. (pauses) Read that back, will you Wesley.

Wesley: And in those days shall come a dark force, and its number will be twenty three. And the brown one shall witness it, and he will be sorely troubled.

Riley: Good! Stick it in an envelope and send it off then. It's no good bottling these things up; if you feel them you must say them or you'll just go mad...

Wesley: Oh yes indeed... as the book of Maccabee said... Yay as the flea is like unto an oxen, so is the privet hedge liken unto a botanist black in thy sight, O Lord!

Riley: Quite... Look why don't you just nip out and get us some luncg, Wesley...

Wesley: Yay... as Raymond Chandler said, it was one of those days when Los Angeles felt like a rock-hard fig.

Riley: Wesley, let's stop this pretending, shall we.

Wesley: Oh... ye... as Dirk Bogarde said in his autobiography...

Riley: Wesley... let's stop all this futile pretence... I've... I've always been moderately fond of you...

Wesley: Well to be quite frank, Riley... one can't walk so closely with a chap like you for... for so long without... feeling something deep down inside, even if it isn't anything... anything... very much.

Riley: Well, splendid... Wesley... er... well I don't suppose there's much we can do, really.

Wesley: Not on television ... no...

Riley: No... they... they are a lot more permissive these days than they used to be...

Wesley: Ah yes... but not on the Warner Brothers Network...

Riley: No... I suppose they've... got to draw the line somewhere...

Wesley: Yes...

Riley: Well take a letter, Wesley. Dear Sir, I wish to say that unfortunately your offer (although generous) was not enough to ensure that Buffy will stay with the WB...