SquidgeWorld Archive

Bud Abbott sat in the front room, reading the paper. His room mate, Lou Costello, was out and the apartment was quiet for once. When Lou was around, life took on a hectic pace and he was enjoying the calm before the next inevitable storm.

Bud set the paper on the stand next to him and took a cigarette from his pocket. He patted the rest of his pockets for some matches but didn't have any luck. "Oh, come on," he muttered.

There was a hesitant knock at the door. "Come in," he called absently, still looking for matches.

Another hesitant knock followed. "Come in," he called again.

The next knock was more insistent. Bud put the cigarette on top of the newspaper. He rolled his eyes and stood. He went to the door and pulled it open to find Stinky nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other and then back again.

Bud sighed and tried not to sound too irritated. "Hi, Stinky. Lou's not here right now."

Stinky bit his bottom lip and didn't stop moving. "That's okay."

Bud frowned. It was usually tough to shut Stinky up. "Is there something wrong?"

Stinky stared at the floor. "No."

Bud patted Stinky's shoulder. "Be a nice boy and come back this afternoon. Maybe Lou will play with you then."

Stinky stuck his nose in the air. "I don't care. He's mean anyway. He never wants to play anymore," he whined.

"Then, why are you here?"

Stinky made a show of looking over his shoulder and then from side to side. Bud looked, too. There was no one in the hall.

Before Bud could ask what this was all about, Stinky grabbed his jacket, yanked him forward, and gave him a sloppy kiss. He was too startled to do anything about it. Then, just as suddenly, Stinky released him.

Bud just stared at Stinky. "What?" he asked at a loss.

Stinky grinned and bounced on the balls of his feet. "That's what Mama does when she likes a man; grabs him and plants a big wet one on him." With that, he waved and ran off. He almost ran over Lou as he went out the apartment building's front door.

Lou jumped out of the way. "Hey, Stinky, what's with you?" he yelled but Stinky was already down the steps. He shrugged and walked down to where Bud still stood in their doorway. He saw the surprised look on Bud's face. "What's goin' on?"

Bud blinked and went back to his cigarette. "Nothin'. Got any matches?"

Lou followed Bud inside and closed the door. He tossed Bud a book of matches. "Sometimes, I just don't know what gets into Stinky."

Bud shrugged and lit his cigarette. He picked up the newspaper and sat back down. He held it up to cover his face. He took on a gruff tone to hide his embarrassment. "Who knows with a boy like that."

Lou shrugged too and promptly forgot all about it. That is until the next day. This time, Bud was out to the corner store for bread and cigarettes. //I really need to talk to Bud about that habit. Sometimes, it's annoying to share a bed with someone who smells like an ashtray.//

Lou was in the midst of sweeping the floor, humming very loudly and off-key. He stopped and pretended that he was Dean Martin and that the broom handle was a microphone. A sharp knock at the door interrupted his serenade to the aloe plant. "Coming," he called cheerfully.

He took his apron off, set the broom against the wall, and went to answer it. He pasted a smile on his face instead of cringing. "Good morning, Stinky's mother."

She was a big woman, a head taller than Bud and as thick as her son. She had a hard, lined face and wore a brown dress that did nothing to flatter her. She smiled tightly. "Good morning, Louis."

Bud was always telling him to be nice and polite so Lou stepped to the side. "Won't you come in."

She did so and waited for him to close the door. "Where's Mr. Abbott?"

"Out to the store," Lou answered. He watched her run a finger over the table and silently tsk at the dust. //Lucky him.//

She regarded him with a frown. "Very well. I expect you to pass my apology on to him."

Lou nodded. "Sure." He paused for a moment. "Apology for what?"

She flushed and cleared her throat. "Stinky's behavior from yesterday," she stammered. "He didn't know what he was doing. I want to assure Mr. Abbott that he won't do it again."

Lou's brow furrowed. "Do what?"

She straightened up to her full impressive height. "Never you mind. Mr. Abbott will know what I'm talking about and thank him for his discretion. I believe it would be best for all parties if we forget the whole horrid incident."

Lou stomped his foot in annoyance. "But what did Stinky do?"

She refused to answer and turned on her heel to leave. "Good day, Louis."

Lou toyed with the idea of blocking her path so she wouldn't be able to leave without telling him. However, he decided against it. She'd probably just walk over him.

Lou wondered what Stinky did that was so terrible that it plainly upset his mother and yet she wouldn't say what it was. And why didn't Bud say anything? He scratched his head. He hadn't noticed anything bothering Bud and that bothered him.

Lou tried to go back to his housework, but couldn't concentrate. He munched on a piece of bread, thinking. What did Stinky do to Bud? Stinky's mother could have been exaggerating but something must have happened.

Lou heard Bud talking to Mr. Fields in the hall. He couldn't wait and stuck his head out. "Hey, Abbott."

"What?" Bud asked from where he stood just outside Fields' door.

"Can I speak to you for a minute?"

Bud and Fields exchanged a look before Bud said, "I'd better go see what's going on."

"That room mate of yours needs a keeper," Fields answered with a smirk.

Bud chuckled and pointed to himself. "That's me and believe me, it's a full time job." He went back to their apartment and hung his hat up. He set a paper bag on the table. "What have you done now?"

Lou smiled innocently and continued snacking. "It wasn't me this time, Abbott."

Bud put his hands on his hips. "Oh, really? That would be a first."

Lou giggled, spitting out crumbs. He was just lucky he didn't hit Bud. He covered his mouth and swallowed. "Nope. For once, I'm innocent."

Bud didn't know whether to be annoyed or not. "What are you talking about?"

"It was Stinky," Lou announced, ridiculously happy that he wasn't the one in trouble.

"What do you mean?" Bud demanded.

Lou stuck the rest of his bread in his pocket. He touched Bud's arm and leaned closer. He lowered his voice. "Stinky's mother just came by to apologize to you. She said Stinky didn't mean it and that he won't do it again."

Bud grunted. "Fine."

Lou turned serious. "What happened?"

Bud tried to step back. "Nothing."

Lou refused to let go. "The way she was actin', it was somthin'."

"Believe me," Bud said reasonably. "She was making too big a deal out of it."

Lou knew Bud too well. Bud's tone gave him away and he knew he was lying. His voice rose an octave. "Of what?"

Bud jerked his arm away and took a step back. "Don't worry about it."

Lou folded his arms across his chest and tapped his foot impatiently. He made his face as stern as he could. His derby hat slid down to cover his face. He pushed it back up again. "Now, Abbott--"

Bud waved dismissively and turned his back on Lou. "Don't push it," he barked. He ran a hand through his hair. "That woman coming down here to apologize. This never would have happened if Stinky's mother didn't do certain things in front of him. He doesn't understand that--" he stopped abruptly and mentally cursed his own stupidity.

Lou circled to Bud's front. He pouted. "Come on, Bud. We're pals. You can tell me."

Bud's shoulders slumped. "All right. You know what Stinky's mother does when she likes a man?"

Lou crinkled his nose. "I'd really rather not think about it," he cracked, trying to break the tension to make this a little easier.

"Me neither," Bud agreed. "She grabs him and plants a big wet one on him."

Lou's eyes got wide and he pointed to Bud. "And Stinky did that to you."

Bud's shoulder twitched. "Yep, on the lips. I don't think he understands the different kinds of like."

"Yewwww."

"I know."

Lou chewed on his bottom lip. "Well, you have every right to be mad at em'."

Bud shook his head. "I'm not mad. He was confused, although if he does it again, I'll slug him."

Lou stepped even closer. He'd done a lot of stupid things in his time, what more would one more matter? "So, how good a kisser is he?"

Bud couldn't quite read the look on Lou's face. He arched an eyebrow. "He was enthusiastic, but that couldn't make up for his lack of skill."

Lou didn't see any signs of anger and Bud made no move to step away. He tentatively reached out and smoothed the lapels of Bud's jacket. "If he does it again, I'll do more than slug him," he said low and intently.

Bud looked away. His breathing was already irregular. "No, Lou," he whispered.

Lou took Bud's chin and made him face him again. "I know the difference between the different kinds of like."

Bud had to put a stop to this. He wasn't attracted to his partner in that way. Still, he couldn't move. "We can't."

"There's only you and me here and this only concerns us." Lou slid his fingers to the back of Bud's head. He gently, but firmly, pulled Bud's face closer.

Unlike when Stinky ambushed him, Bud knew exactly what was happening. And he turned out to be a willing participant, too. He took hold of Lou's shoulders and plunged his tongue into Lou's mouth.

Lou held on tighter. The heat from Bud's mouth and thrusting tongue spread through his body. He couldn't speak when they finally had to break for air. Steam came from his ears. He opened and closed his mouth several times before a croak escaped. "Better technique?"

Bud laughed and traced Lou's bottom lip with his fingertips. "Much better."

Lou suddenly remembered his bread. He'd need the energy if the glint in Bud's eyes was any indication of what they were going to do next. He reached inside of his pocket and felt something strange. "Hey, Bud."

"What?"

Lou brought out a handful of charred crumbs. He did a double take and whistled. "It desint..." his voice trailed off as he tried to find the right word. "...desint...desint-er-egrated. Wow."

Bud laughed again. It was a husky sound and he felt Lou shudder. "Wow is right." He nodded in the direction of the bedroom. "Should we?"

Lou joyfully threw the crumbs in the air and took Bud's arm. "We should."