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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
Completed:
2006-10-27
Words:
3,419
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2/2
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20
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1,188

Diary Of The Confused

Summary:

The Jurnal Entirs of a gay 19 year old boy. what screwed up things happen in his life and how and if he over comes them.

Chapter Text

Diary Of The Confused

A/N: This is the diary/Journal entry of a boy of 19 years. His name is Alex.. So I should give you a little back ground info on my character. That way you'll understand some of what he writes.

His father and mother are dead. Though his mother died only two years prier to this entry. He has been unstable and doesn't trust new people well. Being what he feels as betrayed by most and degraded in many ways by others.

This is a complete fictional story. The characters are mine. But if it seems in any way related to something true that has happened to someone then it is completely coincidence.

.... So on with the Story.

 

September 10, 2006

Hey Journal,

I'm a lot more then people think, and in some aspects, a lot less.

I'm no longer friends with Annie. But I'll get to why later.

During the summer my Aunty Fife's husband (Harold) got into a motorcycle accident. So while hr was in the hospital I stayed at her house to help with her kids. I enjoyed most of my time there, 'cause I got to know my aunt/step-sis better. My smoking cut down a lot and so did my eating. But then her husband came home and everything went shitty. He was rude and very inconsiderate. Leave it to say that my smoking picked up a lot more then it had been in the past two years. And I barely ate.

Soon enough I left... So I could help with aunty J. and Winston's wedding. That day Annie asked me to come over her house (she had just moved into her own place.) and so I went. I loved the time I spent with her and josh (her son I've mentioned many times). After a couple days My aunt Fife called and so I was off to her place to baby sit.

That's when things took a thundering spiral downwards.

When Aunty Fife and her husband came home I went to sleep on the bottom bunk in J's room (my cousin... if I haven't already told you.) and slowly.. Very slowly I drifted off to sleep.

As you can guess, I've never been at ease when I was at Aunty Fife's house. What child would be at ease in the place their mother died. I never got over her death, so you can imaging how I felt there. People either think that I've gotten over it or I'm just so fucked up that I don't give a shit. Which you know is not the truth. I have a mask and I use my mask well. I hope that those who thought me useless and/or stupid, or immature read this someday and understand that I'm not the person they thought I was.

But back to Fife's house.

I woke up to someone running their hand under my shirt and on top of my jeans on my crotch. I remember my body going into a type of shock. I couldn't open my mouth to say anything. It took all the strengh to squint my eyes open and my body went sort of more rigid as I saw who was doing this to me. It was my Aunt's husband, Harold.
My eyes squeezed shut, and he continued t rub me. I turned over so my body was faceing the wall. Though I did it so it looked like I was just turning in my sleep. Then nothing happened for a little bit. So I started to relax just the tiniest bit. Then I felt him get on the bed. And he was pressed right up aganst me. I started shacking, then he grabbed my ass and move his hand up and down my back to my butt.

I was praying then. Praying my heart out. Praying to god, praying to my mom and dad's spirits, praying to anything that would make it stop.
I continued to pray as he pressed his dick against my ass.
I lost track of what he was doing as I concentrated on praying. Egging for it to stop. Praying for whatever I had don't to deserve this to be forgiving.
My mind was drawn back as the weight on the bed started to shift. I heard the words "Get your own god damn bed." and then he left the room.

My ears strained as I tried to hear where he was. And when I heard him down at the other end of the trailer. I jumped and grabbed my things and ran out of the house. I didn't know where I was going at first but I kept running. The time was 3:16 in the morning when I ran out of there.

I ran for a long time, looking behind me the whole way. every time my mind went back to what I was running from I started to shake and puke. That continued until I had nothing left in my stomach.

My head was whirling. I kept thinking 'I have nowhere to go.' a child's security blanket is their parents, and since mine were gone I felt totally unsafe. I sobbed for a long time as I ran and then a person who made me unafraid popped into my head.

...Annie...

She always made me feel stronger. So I ran to her house. I was still a while away, and rick (Annie's mom's boyfriend) pulled up. My mask went in place automatically as I neared his truck. He offered me a ride and brought me to Annie's.

Since it was so early I didn't knock. She had a baby... why would I deprive them of sleep even though this happened to me I put their needs before my own.
I sat on her porch crying and smoking like a chimney until I heard voices inside.

'She's Awake!' I screamed inside my head. And I was about to knock when I heard other voices.
Those voices belonged to her cousin , Crystal, and Crystal's friend, Brandy.
Even after all that happened to me I couldn't break down in front of them. Then everyone would find out and I didn't want that to happen.
But I still needed to go in, for I smoked all my cigarettes and I had left the rest of my carton in Annie's freezer.
So I pulled my mask in place and se opened the door just as I was about to knock. I asked if I could get my cigarettes and she let me go get them.
I left right after I grabbed them and hid in the woods. There I cried and dry heaved 'til I passed out. So I kept waking up, crying and passing out until it became late afternoon.
I went back over to Annie's to see if she was home... but she wasn't, and then it started to rain.

I found a tarp in her yard and ducked under it, waiting for the rain to stop.
A little bit after it did I heard walking and I turned my head and saw Annie looking at me.
My mind screamed with relief upon seeing her but she didn't look even happy to see me (which friends should look happy when they see their friends). I stood up and walked with her into her house. And she started to clean. So I tried to help but she said no.
I was starting to feel in my gut again that something wasn't right. I get those feelings when something I will not like is going to happen.

I went outside to have a cigarette and started smoking as I tried to refrain myself from crying. I kept telling myself to calm down, saying "I'm with Annie, I'm safe".

The feeling of unease started to get stronger as I smoked. Then I heard the door to her house... click... so I shook my head, trying to deny that she had locked me out. But when I tried the door knob... it was locked.

As I looked up I saw the car she drove heading down the street. 'Not true, not true.' I kept saying to myself. I knocked... trying to reassure myself that she was still their. I went around front, still trying to tell myself she didn't leave. And when I got there I cried again.

Her car was gone. The person whom I thought to be my best friend in the whole world, the person I trusted completely, had locked me out and left me there.

After sitter for a while crying, hoping she had just gone out to get something, I left.
The one person in the world whom I thought I could trust had left me there. My thoughts went to thinking that everyone was right. I'm useless, worthless and just completely nothing. I thought this as I walk the extremely long road home.

Everything was a slight blur. I remember walking (though not sure for how long.) and I remember that a cop picked me up and driving me to my street. I finished walking home I guess, for the last thing I remember was curling up in a ball on my bed.

I had not cried since my mother had died, and crying that much tore at me. My entire life changed. No friends, no one to depend on.... Nothing.

I let my old friend Brittany become my friend again after that. Though I could never truly trust anyone after that. So it became a weak friendship on my part. And I hid my emotions more severely then. Pretending to show then every once and a while, but keeping my real emotions hiding.
Anyone who asked about it think I left Fife's that night because Harold yelled at me. It's better then them knowing the truth. You can't trust people I came to realize, especially with the truth.

'Till next time

- Alex

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