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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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3,237
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1/1
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11
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1,465

Hot Fudge

Summary:

Parody

Lupin tries to break his lover of a very bad habit but Snape doesn't want to be broken.

Work Text:

The joke's on me, I get nothing from this and the characters aren't even mine. I just borrow them from J.K. Rowling on occasion and play with them until they're grateful to have her and not me for an author.

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!
--Lucy Van Pelt (in Peanuts, by Charles M. Schulz)

The worst part of having Severus Snape for a lover, Remus reflected, was that he was so anal retentive in the sack. Remus had talked with Snape about it, but he had just smirked and said that he thought 'anal' was a good thing. Lupin knew he was smart enough to know what it meant but Severus, being Severus, would die before he admitted it now that Remus had brought it up.

By far the most annoying thing Severus did in bed was, before he and Lupin crawled in, he would grab a stained towel and lay it on the sheets.

It wasn't like they would have explaining to do in the morning! This was the only thing besides the Chamber of Secrets itself that wasn't on the Marauders' Map. He felt guilty sometimes for keeping it from his friends, but a wolf had to have some secrets, after all. Besides, where else would he and Severus have hot, screaming sex if Remus' friends knew every nook and cranny of the castle? He couldn't very well go hunting for Slytherin's chamber to screw in.

So far they hadn't guessed, but Sirius had once suggested slyly that his late-night disappearances might point to his having a girlfriend. He didn't mind this teasing and thought this was a fair assessment as Severus looked really good in a dress, especially a Slytherin green one.

The full moon was less than a week away and he would have to tell Severus yet again that he needed to leave and that, no, he couldn't say where he was going.

Snape would always whine about that, he was terrible at giving puppy dog eyes, but Lupin always kissed him anyway. Severus would spit then, push him away and call him a rude name.

Then they'd fuck each others' brains out.

Severus always offered afterwards to fuck Lupin's brains back in, not that they were much in the first place, Severus would say.

Lupin was usually spent by that point. He couldn't even muster the strength to insult Snape back. He'd just tell him to shut the fuck up and continue to lay there on top of him, as his breath slowed and he and Snape drifted off.

Tonight he would change that up a bit.

His owl had come back with a parcel in tow 2 days after he had sent it to Honeydukes with a very special order. He'd been spared having to use the excuses he'd prepared for Sirius and James of acid pops and hiccup sweets for their hated Sltyherin rival when his owl met him in the bathroom, of all things. He zipped his fly and blushed, and though he knew better he almost felt like the owl was leering at him.

"Why haven't we got a system like the muggle post," he thought to himself. "At least muggle post boxes don't stare at your willy when you're trying to take a wiz. Perhaps we wizards should use something with smaller eyes."

He tipped the owl, anyway, and left, hiding his parcel in his bag. He blessed his unusually good luck and ran up the steps to the owlery 2 at a time, unconsciously making little yipping noises under his breath as he always did when hornier than usual. He was very glad to be wearing a robe over his trousers.

He placed himself in a position where he could not be snuck up on, he knew he'd turn around and bite the person who crept up on him in his nervous state, and there would be all kinds of questions.

He scrawled a note on a scrap of parchment,

"Sevviewevvie,

Meet me in the usual place 9:30 tonight or before."

He sent it along with a school owl and scrawled another to James and Sirius saying he needed to study for a class he didn't have with them and that he would be studying with Wilhelm Bulstrode. He hated doing this to Sirius, but it was the only way to keep them away. The name Bulstrode sent chills of horror up Black's spine at the best of times and sent him muttering about 'naughty touches' and 'hulking flamers' for a half hour at the worst; he called up an image of what Black'd done to Severus last year and that quelled his misgivings. Okay, he'd like the part where James had taken off Snape's pants, that had been a fantasy come alive right there and he'd kept the pants for personal reasons, but Snape crying was not something he was accustomed to seeing and he hadn't enjoyed it at all. He let out the tiniest pitiful little whimper and swallowed a howl he'd have liked to let fly.

He turned his mind back to the little treasure in his bag and the thought of what he would do that night with it sent his spirits spiraling back upwards. He ran all the way to their special dungeon room, dodging the Non-Severus Slytherins and barricaded himself in there. It was chilly so Lupin lit a fire in the fireplace (lest someone should think he lit it in his pants, there was already a fire taking hold in there) and huddled under the comforter that smelled, despite Snape's efforts, a little like he and Severus after a good, hard shag. When the damp chill of the November dungeons had faded to comfort he made himself get out of bed and see to his parcel.
He unwrapped it eagerly and pulled out a tin of Honeydukes Specialty Fudge Sauce.
If he'd had a place to store whipped cream and cherries, he'd have got them, too.

The faint resemblance of Snape's skin to the off-white hue of cheap vanilla ice cream, imperfectly textured and not quite unlike the hue of fresh cream, had given him the idea. He wanted a Severus sundae and he wanted to break Snape's neatnik habits in bed, once and for all.

He opened the tin with his wand and hid it carefully behind a stack of his schoolbooks on the nightstand by "their" bed so that Severus wouldn't see it when he came in or when he laid down on his towel.

Lupin grinned in a way more befitting a Slytherin and felt himself stiffen. He couldn't keep from letting out a little woof of under-Snape-sexed glee and if he'd had a tail to wag he'd have beaten himself silly with it. As it was, he was glad he hadn't one because if he had he would be alone in the somewhat (compared to his nights with Severus) misnamed Shrieking Shack and not getting any.
This would be delightful and once he started licking the fudge sauce off of Severus he would realize what fun it was.

He deposited the evidence in his bag and took to the books on the nightstand so that he could enjoy his night with Severus rather than worry about the essay he had yet to finish.

When Severus came a little after 9:30 that evening, his towel over his arm, Lupin was fully naked and erect.

"Well, aren't you the eager beaver," Snape said with a sneer and went off on a very Snape-ish tirade that Lupin paid no attention to. "Pun intended. I've asked you over and over not to call me Sevviewevvie. How would you like it if I called you ReemieScreamie or Loopypoopy? Though Merlin knows the former would be appropriate. I also do not appreciate being ordered around," he added and tossed Lupin's crumpled note on the nightstand.

Lupin's heart skipped a beat as the crumpled parchment landed inches from his tin of chocolate. Severus was too busy being a bollock to notice it.

"I may prefer to bottom, Lupin, but I am not your slave, your baby or your bitch," he went on raving in his deathly calm, quiet way.

"Okay, sorry," said Lupin, not wanting Severus in any mood but relaxed so that he wouldn't kill Lupin later. It occurred to him that Severus might not like being coated in fudge sauce. If Snape left he would surely come back eventually, if only due to sheer horniness and then all would be well again. Right?

Snape glared at him, presumably for not putting up enough of a fight.

Lupin smiled encouragingly and kissed Snape lightly on the mouth.

His erection poked obscenely into the other boy's stomach and turned the otherwise chaste act into one of lewdness.

Snape blushed and turned away before Lupin could see his smile. "Let's just get it on before you lose your edge," he said. "15 seconds is not my idea of a good screw."

Lupin smiled wider.

"Quit looking at me like that," said Snape, who looked askance at him and raised an eyebrow. He laid the towel fussily in its place on the bed.
For someone who disliked showers, Lupin thought, Severus was a fussbudget. His excuse was that he didn't want anyone to come along and find this special place only to discover what they'd got up to.

Lupin privately thought that this was bullshit. He believed Snape did it to annoy him.

Severus lowered himself to the bed and spread his knees. Lupin knelt between them. He picked up the jar of petroleum jelly that was lying near the fudge carefully.

Lupin lubed them both generously.

An expression of bliss washed over Snape's face as Lupin rubbed the lube into his ass, only to be replaced by the usual stoic look that he always affected unless he was having sex or caught unawares.

Lupin slid into him and kissed his mouth.

Snape closed his eyes for the kiss and that's when Lupin grabbed the can of syrup.

Snape's eyes shot open.

A look of horror dawned on his face in place of raw desire when he saw what Lupin was holding.

He began to flail his arms and legs and tried to knock the syrup from the werewolf's hand but it failed. In a minute he was coated in it.

Those who heard the shrieks that echoed through the dungeons and across the Forbidden Forest to the ears of frightened unicorns chalked it up to a ghoul with a wide and colorful range of vocabulary.

Lupin slammed in to the hilt and thrust towards the left. Snape gasped.

Lupin'd been with him long enough to know the combination to his safe.

He grabbed Snape's skimpy, failing arms in one hand and slowly, with much tongue, licked the chocolate off Snape's hands while Snape tried to slough it off.

"You bitch!" he spat as Lupin kissed down his wrists. He tried and failed to kick Remus in the head and settled for pummeling the wolf's sides and back with bare feet.

Lupin was going at it. He was trying to cause as little pain as possible while still maintaining control of the situation. He felt he had hurt Snape already if only in spirit and wasn't going to cause any more pain than he could help.

A tiny grunt issued from between Snape's tight, frowing lips.

Satisfied that Severus would forgive him when he came, Lupin's mouth reached Snape's neck. He was still holding Severus's wrists suspended above his head as he lowered his face to nibble and suck his lover's chocolate-streaked neck.

Lupin felt Snape swallow to suppress a gasp of pleasure and then Snape screamed, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Remus got an earful of curse words and bit Snape's cheek lightly. He pulled away before Snape could bite him back.

There was murder in Snape's smoldering eyes and Lupin didn't hold his gaze.

He set his tongue and concentration on his angry lover's torso and paid especial attention to the hardened nubs of flesh that were his lover's nipples.

Another gasp-groan escaped Severus's lips. Lupin felt himself twitch violently inside of Severus at the sound and at the feel of Snape around him.

"You bastard!" Snape spat, the words one intelligible phrase in a jumble of mulit-lingual swearing.

"Crucio!" Snape shrieked but he was helpless without his wand.

"Avada kedavra! Sectumsempra!"

Lupin looked up from his sticky treat and cocked his head. He'd never heard of it before and figured he could ask Snape later.

"Motherfucker!"

"Never heard of that one," said Lupin cheerily and went back to licking syrup Snape's navel.

"Avada kedavra! Avada kedavra! Killing curse! Bugger FUCK!!!"

Lupin rubbed his face against Snape's bare belly and planted sumptuous kisses around his navel and other sensitive spots he had memorized since their first time. He growled wolfishly into Snape's flesh thinking of the pleasure he gave Snape.

Severus continued to shriek the words and names of spells. He never even raised the hairs on Lupin's neck though his attempt to summon his wand knocked most of the clutter off the nightstand and his 20th attempt at the cruciatus caused the jar of petrol to dance around the room. This only made him madder.

As Lupin traced down his treasure trail, the only comprehensible thing out of Snape's mouth was a gasp of protest when Lupin pulled out of him so that he could suck the chocolate off of Snape's cock. When he put his mouth around Snape's throbbing erection he could already taste precum in the chocolate sauce. The bitter, salty tang beneath the sweet was almost as good as the chocolate on his tired tongue. The precum meant that his plan was working.

Maybe.

Snape was near apoplexy and was yowling something that sounded like an ancient chant to summon a thunder goddess if you cocked your ear right, but if you cocked it left it sounded like "Boomboomboomboomboom!" If you didn't cock your ear at all it sounded like someone scream-singing a drinking song backwards.

Remus turned himself from worry and focused on making this come the best one Snape'd ever had. He sucked the liberally spread chocolate off of Snape's sensitive skin, spreading long, lavish licks up and down his throbbing length, pumping his own cock steadily in his fist.

When Snape spurted his his come into Remus's willing mouth the sandy-haired boy swallowed all but the last spurt. He let it splash all over his torso and reveled in the heat of it on his skin.

Snape's final scream of pleasure and Remus's wolfish howl were heard by horrified Slytherin firsties who ran to a prefect for help. The prefect told them not to worry, that it was probably just someone's cat being tortured by the Bloody Baron. The prefect was relieved of her position the following day.

Snape had a nosebleed and the only reason that he didn't kill Lupin when he leaned down and kiss him was that he, Severus Snape, wasn't sure where he was. There were blue puppy dogs dancing before his eyes. They were pelting him with candy and stretching their anuses in his face.

He was panting and he felt Remus's lips on his. The badly behaved puppy dogs disappeared.

"You muggle!" Severus rasped weakly in the loudest voice he could muster after all that screaming. "I'm all sticky and look at my wrists! They're bruised! I bruise easily!"

"I wish I could show you what you did to my eardrums with your constant screaming!" said Lupin defensively.

"I STINK!" raved Severus as he tried his damndest to pound Remus into a pulp. In his state Snape couldn't even tap Lupin on the ass much less kill him dead. "I smell like a cauldron cake that's gone over!" His arms grew limp and he gave up trying to murder his lover. "I have icky in my hair!"

Lupin glowered at him. Snape always had 'icky' in his hair.

"I'm going to have to take a shower," Snape harped on.

"It couldn't hurt you."

Snape fixed him with a malevolent look.

"Bloody hell, Severus!" Lupin exclaimed! "It's just a bit of fudge!"

Snape always degenerated into curses when he felt annoyed. He held true to himself. His throat was to hoarse for him to spook more firsties but he gave Remus and a nearby portrait another earful.

Snape rose, no longer able to stand being around Remus. He put on his clothes and wanked out his wand. He pointed it shakily at Lupin.

What came out of his twitching mouth sounded like "Rick-i-tickium-semper-fuck! Motherfucking fuck!"

Lupin tried and failed to not smile.

"You think that's funny!" barked Snape in a crackling voice.

His shirt was on backwards. The tails were hanging out and draped against his thighs. His fly was undone and his flaccid cock was plainly visible. His robe was open and hanging eschew on his shoulders and his greasy, chocolate-coated hair was all in his face and sticking up in back. He looked like a harassed, angry chicken.

Lupin tried not to find this funny and failed.

Snape stormed out swearing, his cock swinging, and went back to the 6th year boys dorm.

Lupin knew he'd fucked up. He just couldn't get himself to rise and go after Severus and apologize. If an apology wouldn't be accepted, he could have always begged.

He'd just eaten an entire tin of chocolate sauce and not a little Snape juice. He felt as though he might throw up. He would regret his inaction when he felt well. He moaned and laid back on the bed. He made a mental note to pick up Snape's discarded gray underpants on the way back to the dorms. He had a feeling he would need something that smelled of Snape for the next month because he wouldn't be getting any.

He moaned in pain again and rolled over into the fudgy pool of he and Snape's last time together. The room was dotted with drops of chocolate sauce. He would find time to regret it later.

 

And that is the story of Snape's real worst memory and the real reason for his hating Remus Lupin. But, you know, it's a kiddie book. Poor Jo Rowling couldn't print this.