SquidgeWorld Archive

Scene I:

{Moya's Kitchen/Mess Hall. The shipmates are sitting around munching on food cubes. Pilot's image pops up on the clamshell.}

Pilot: We have an unknown ship approaching. It appears to be unarmed, and is sending out a distress signal.

Zhaan: May we see this distress signal, Pilot?

Pilot: No! It's mine! All mine! Of course you may, you ninny.

Zhaan: {Looking like she'd really like to take off another of Pilot's arms, but controlling herself.} Thank you, Pilot.

Pilot: It's only audio, oddly enough.

{Pilot presses a button on his console, and a noise is heard.}

Noise: Beep Beep Beep, Boooop Boooop Boooop, Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep Beep, Boooop Boooop Boooop, Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep Beep, Boooop Boooop Boooop, Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep Beep, Boooop Boooop Boooop, Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep Beep, Boooop Boooop Boooop, Beep Beep Beep. Beep Beep Beep, Boooop Boooop Boooop, Beep Beep Beep.

{Chiana begins groovin' to the beat. D'Argo starts tapping his foot.}

D'Argo: I don't know what it is, but it's kind of catchy.

John: {Shoots D'Argo a Look of Death.} It's Morse code! SOS! We gotta bring it on board, Pilot!

Aeryn: Are you sure that's wise, Crichton?

John: {Whining} Pleeeeeeeease?

Aeryn: {Clapping her hands over her ears.} Alright. Alright already.

{John begins doing goody dance.}

John: Yippee! Bring it on, Pilot!

Aeryn: {Muttering} You are a yotz.

{Exeunt}

Scene II:

{Our intrepid band of heroes has gathered, pulse rifles drawn, in the Hangar, where a slightly battered looking ship is resting on the floor.}

John: Okay Pilot, have the DRDs pop the hatch.

Pilot: {Snickering} You said pop.

John: {Under his breath} I knew I should never have had that conversation about the birds and the bees with him.

Aeryn: What?

John: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

{The hatch of the craft pops open, and out jumps a man.}

John: Dude, it's David Duchovny.

D'Argo, Chiana, Zhaan, Rygel, Pilot, and Aeryn: Who?

John: I'll explain later. He's really famous on Earth, though.

Rygel: Ah, then doubtless he knows what it is like to be underappreciated. I shall greet him. {Floats over to Duchovny} Greetings, I am Rygel the Sixteenth, Dominar of the Hynerian Empire, Ruler of over 600 billion subjects--

{Duchovny looks at Rygel blankly}

John: Um, Sparky...

Rygel: What?!

John: He doesn't have translator microbes yet.

Rygel: Oh, why didn't you say so?

{A DRD wheels over and injects Duchovny with microbes.}

Zhaan: Can you understand us now...uh...John, what is the proper--

John: Mister. Mister Duchovny.

Zhaan: Oh. Thank you. Can you understand us now, Mister Duchovny?

Duchovny: Yeah. This is some cool shit, whatever it is.

John: {Stepping forward.} Hi, I'm John Crichton, nice to meet you; I'm a huge fan. These are Rygel, Aeryn, Zhaan, D'Argo, Chiana, and the guy on the clamshell is Pilot. What brings you to the Uncharted Territories, and may I have your autograph? No wait, I don't have any paper. Dammit!

Duchovny: I'll talk to my agent. He'll send you a photo. As for what I'm doing here, I'm taking a break from the X-Files, and since there don't seem to be any movie offers, I thought I'd see if I could do some television. My agent sent me this script, and I thought, "Hmm, Australia, nice vacation for me, Téa, and the kid." So here I am.

John: {Befuddled} Uh-huh.

Duchovny: Hey, want to see some pictures?

John: {Deciding to go with it.} Okay.

{Duchovny whips out his wallet, and begins animated monologue. D'Argo sidles over, and he and Duchovny begin exchanging late-night infant feeding stories.}

Voice from off Camera: Mr. Duchovny, the camera's rolling.

{Everyone except Duchovny looks extremely confused. Aeryn, who hasn't lowered her pulse rifle yet, begins swinging it around in search of the mysterious voice. D'Argo draws his Qualta blade and joins the quest.}

Duchovny: Oh. Okay. {Calmly puts his wallet away. Then swings around and grabs John by the shoulders.} You gotta help me! My name is Fox Mulder, and I've been abducted by aliens! I've got to get back to Earth right away so-- {He notices Aeryn.} Well, hello there, little lady. What's such a ravishing creature as yourself doing in a place like this?

{John's jaw hits the floor. Aeryn's finger twitches on the trigger of her pulse rifle.}

Duchovny: {Maneuvering until he can push the pulse rifle out of the way.} Hey, don't point that thing at me, I could get hurt, and then what use would I be to you? {Puts an arm around her.} You know, I've always had a thing for tall, leggy brunettes.

Aeryn: That does it! {Grabs Duchovny by the collar, stalks out of the room dragging him behind her.} Pilot, ready the nearest airlock.

Pilot: Yes, Ma'am.

Duchovny: {Voice growing fainter.} Hey! You can't do this to me! Just wait until my Estrogen Brigade hears about this! I wanna talk to my agent! This isn't in the scr-- {His voice is abruptly cut off by the sound of an airlock door closing.}

{Aeryn stalks back into the Hangar, smacking her comm as she does so.}

Aeryn: Pilot, make it so.

Pilot: As you wish. {Pushes button. A dull thunk is heard.}

John: Well, I guess this means I'll never get my autographed photo.

{The rest of the crew throws up their hands in disgust.}

Pilot: Um, I'm detecting another ship, same modus operandi.

John: {Clasps hands, looks up reverently.} Gillian Anderson. Let it be Gillian Anderson. I'll never ask you for another thing. Just let it be Gillian Anderson. {Stops.} Hey, when did Pilot learn Latin?

Pilot: Shall I allow it to dock?

John: Sure, okay.

{The others start to leave. John stands there, tapping his foot impatiently.}

Chiana: You know John, Pilot's gonna have to depressurize this chamber.

John: Hmm? Oh. Duh.

{Exeunt}

{The hanger doors open, and in comes another rather battered pod, which looks suspiciously like it was made out of a giant children's construction kit.}

{Reenter our intrepid band of heroes. John appears to be praying fervently.}

Zhaan: Pilot, perhaps you should check for the presence of translator microbes in this creature.

Pilot: Great idea Zhaan. You 'da Plant!

{Zhaan looks like she's about to cry.}

Pilot: Nope, no translator microbes here.

John: Yes! Thank you God! Thank you!

{The hatch opens and out pops...}

All except Zhaan: Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000!

Joel: Hello. {The DRDs inject him with translator microbes.} Ow.

{Aeryn cocks her head and begins looking at Joel as if he's a side of beef and she hasn't eaten in months.}

John: This is so not my day.

Zhaan: {Gets one of those "fine, I'll do it myself" looks on her face. Grabs Joel's arm and begins leading him around to each of the ship's inhabitants as she introduces them.} Hello, Joel, allow me to introduce you to the crew of Moya. This is John Crichton, human astronaut...

John: {Sulking} Hello.

Zhaan: This is Chiana, a Nebari...

Chiana: {Vamping, much to D'Argo's disgust and Joel's delight.} Hi there.

Zhaan: This is Ka D'Argo, a Luxan warrior...

D'Argo: {Growls, puts an arm around Chiana. Joel shrinks back against Zhaan.}

Zhaan: This is Rygel...

Rygel: Greetings, I am Rygel the Sixteenth, Dominar of the Hynerian Empire, Ruler of over 600 billion subjects-- {Zhaan takes Rygel's lips between her fingers and firmly pinches them shut.}

Zhaan: And this is Aeryn Sun, Sebacean...

Aeryn: {Reaching up to twirl a strand of hair around her finger.} Hello.

John: Hey!

Zhaan: And I am P'au Zotoh Zhaan, Delvian Priest. What brings you to the Uncharted Territories, my friend?

Joel: Well...

John: Doctor Forrester, right? Made you watch bad movies? {Sings} "In the not so distant future, something something AD, there was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me?" {Stops and glares at Joel, who nods nervously.} Of all the people to get stuck on a ship with, the one guy who makes references even I don't understand.

Joel: Uh... {Jumps.} What the? {He turns around, and Aeryn, who has come up behind him, waggles her eyebrows.} Oh. Aeryn, right?

Aeryn: {Nods shyly. Wraps her arms around his neck.}

Joel: Gee, I wish Tom and Crow were here to meet you.

Pilot: Well, if the construction of their ship is similar to yours, then you may get your wish. {Pilot's image disappears and an image of the Satellite of Love appears.}

Joel: {Disengaging himself from Aeryn, who begins pouting.} The Satellite of Love.

{Zhaan looks around her. Aeryn is trying to cop a feel of the transfixed Joel's butt; D'Argo and Chiana are arguing, and looking hornier by the second; Rygel is munching on some food cubes from Goddess knows where, and John has wandered into a corner where he is clutching his knees, rocking back and forth, and looking like he's about to cry, all the while muttering about how "all I wanted was Gillian Anderson, but no." Zhaan sighs.}

Zhaan: Pilot, open a transmission to this "satellite of love".

Pilot: Whatever you say, Hot Mama.

{Zhaan begins chanting under her breath. An image of Tom, Mike, Crow, and Gypsy appears on the clamshell.}

Tom, Crow, and Gypsy: Joel!

Joel: Guys.

{Joel, Tom, Crow, Mike, and Gypsy all begin jabbering at once. Zhaan looks at them, looks at her crewmates again, and hits her comm button.}

Zhaan: Pilot? Get ready to bring the "satellite" on board.

Pilot: Right-o.

Zhaan: {Interrupting the by now tearful reunion.} Excuse me. If you wish, we may bring your ship on board, and you may meet in person.

Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy: Yes!

Mike: What did she say?

{Zhaan moves to herd everyone out of the hangar, but swiftly realizes it's a useless effort. Instead, she closes her eyes, and a glowing forcefield appears between Moya's denizens and the hangar doors.}

Zhaan: Pilot, you may bring the other ship aboard now.

Pilot: Sure thing, mon petit chou.

{The forcefield wavers dims slightly, then reasserts itself. The outer doors open, then close. The forcefield disappears. The Satellite of Love lands on the hanger floor. Out spill its crewmembers, who rush to embrace Joel, chattering excitedly, even as the "Chariots of Fire" theme mysteriously begins playing in the background. Mike doesn't even notice the DRD injecting him with translator microbes. Zhaan smiles for the first time all day. Suddenly, an explosion rocks Moya. Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer appear on the viewscreen.}

Pearl: Prepare to be boarded.

Tom, Mike, Crow, and Gypsy: Noooooooo!

{Pearl, Bobo, and the Observer suddenly materialize in the middle of the Cargo Bay.}

John: {Snapping out of his stupor} Dude, how did they do that?

{Aeryn pulls her pulse rifle and sweeps Joel behind her, where he proceeds to admire the view down her vest; D'Argo, furious at being interrupted just as Chiana's hand was straying towards the front of his pants, draws his Qualta blade and comes charging over; Rygel retreats behind D'Argo.}

Zhaan: {Stepping forward. The Observer gets a look on his face like he's just seen God.} May I ask what your purpose here is?

Pearl: Out of my way, lady. You're screwing up my experiment.

Voice from Clamshell: You mean *my* experiment.

All except Zhaan and Pearl: It's Dr. Forrester!

Pearl: Clayton!

Dr. Forrester: That's right. I have returned for my revenge! {Suddenly, his image wavers.} What the?

{The image on the clamshell splits in half. On the right is Dr. Forrester, on the left is...}

All except Zhaan: TV's Frank!

Frank: Hi guys! I've been bumming around the galaxy for a while, and thought I'd come see how things were going.

Dr. Forrester: Frank, get your lazy ass over here!

Frank: {Contrite} Okay. {He walks across the dividing line in the image to Dr. Forrester. Who impulsively gives him hug. Tearful reunions commence between Mother and son over the clamshell, between Dr. Forrester and Frank in their ship, and recommence among the denizens of the Satellite of Love. Aeryn is still trying to get Joel to pay attention to her; Crichton has gone back to muttering to himself; D'Argo and Chiana are about to get it on; Rygel is munching foodcubes again, and Pilot's voice can be heard over the comm link humming John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire".}

Zhaan: {Screaming.} That does it! Why am I the only creature here who can stay in character for more than five minutes!

{Everyone stares at her.}

John: Umm, I hate to tell you this, Blue, but Chi and Rygel are acting in character, and you just broke it.

{Zhaan's eyes turn red.}

Rygel: Now look what you've done, Human!

{Large balls of fire begin forming around Zhaan's hands.}

D'Argo: Run away! Run away!

{Everyone begins making a mad dash for the Satellite of Love. As they do so, one fireball hits Pearl, and another hits Mike, instantly incinerating them. Fortunately, Zhaan doesn't manage to hit anyone else, or the Satellite itself.}

{Cut to the inside of the Satellite of Love}

John: {Into his comm.} Pilot, open the hangar doors!

Pilot: Consider it done.

Crow: Let's get out of here!

{They watch out of a viewport as Moya's walls give way to space.}

John: Whew. That was close.

Tom: Tell me about it.

Crow: So now what?

{The transmission light begins flashing.}

Joel: We have incoming.

{Dr. Forrester appears, one arm around a very happy TV's Frank's shoulders. Bobo and the Observer are with them.}

Bobo: On behalf of me and the Observer, we would like to say thank you to all of you, 'cause we can go home now. Bye.

{Bobo and the Observer fade out, thanks to the Observer's mental powers.}

Dr. Forrester: In honor of this momentous occasion, I have decided to give you guys a treat. Enjoy.

{The Satellite of Love begins shaking as the Movie Light flashes.}

Joel: We have movie!

{Everyone scatters. Standard door sequence.}

Scene III

{Everyone files into the movie room, where the screen is projecting pure white. They sit down, from left to right, D'Argo, Chiana, John, Aeryn, Joel, Tom, and Crow. Rygel hovers above them all to get a better view, ending up right in the middle of the screen.}

Crow: Hey, why isn't the movie playing?

{A figure appears, and walks as though upon a stage in front of the movie screen to address the assembled guests.}

Zhaan: Excuse me.

{General screaming}

Zhaan: No, no, I'm sorry. You see, Moya spaced me, which gave me enough time to calm myself, and I am very sorry for my actions. Pilot says it will take him several arns to calm Moya down enough to allow us all on board again, and so I was wondering if I could watch the show with you?

{The others confer.}

John: Okay.

{Zhaan hops down from the stage and sits down next to Crow.}

Crow: {Craning his neck to get a better view down Zhaan's dress.} Whoa!

{The screen leaps to life, as the Overture to "Gone with the Wind" begins playing. D'Argo and Chiana begin necking vigorously.}

John, Joel, Tom, and Crow: Oh, no! Not a chick flick!

{Aeryn places her right hand on Joel's shoulder and her left hand on John's. She runs them down their arms.}

John and Joel: {Jumping} Hey!

Aeryn: Shut up, I want to listen to the music.

John and Joel: {Sounding oddly placid} Okay.

{Cut to Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank.}

Dr. Forrester: Hit the button Frank. {Frank, facing away, ignores him.} I said, "hit the button".

{Dr. Forrester begins advancing menacingly towards Frank. Suddenly, Frank spins around and hits Dr. Forrester with a Pantac jab.}

Frank: {Stepping over Dr. Forrester's unconscious body.} Th' th' th' th' th' that's all folks! {Hits the button. The screen goes black.}