SquidgeWorld Archive

"Fuck this." Lindsey started pacing in the office. "I'm tired of losing to a two hundred and something year old vampire, a British snob, a street punk and an airhead seer."

The now ex-Marine shook his head. "Didn't you say she wasn't a seer, that she just had visions?"

The lawyer waved Graham off with his newly restored hand. "Whatever. Anyway, I'm tired of losing. And despite your...interesting service record..."

"Hey! It wasn't my fault Riley only left me his clothing when he died in Belize."

"And there just happened to be a pair of silk women's panties in there with your name on them?" Lindsey said, arching an eyebrow.

"It was a gag gift!"

"And the picture?"

"I was drunk..."

"Come on, you couldn't have been that drunk," Lindsey said, a wicked smile crossing his face. "I mean, to get it in the--"

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up," Graham said through gritted teeth. "I hate the fact I got a dishonorable discharge for that 'don't ask, don't tell' crap when I didn't do anything wrong."

"I was going to say, to get the picture of you in drag at the commissary," Lindsey said. "What did you think I was going to say?"

"Never mind." Graham stood up and started to pace. "All right, I know they hang out at this place, where there's a demon that can give hint's to help, but I can't remember the name..."

"Caritas?"

Graham looked at Lindsey. "How'd you know?"

"Let's just say I used to be a regular," Lindsey said, a slightly wistful expression crossing his face.

Graham started to reply, then thought better of it. "So should we go?"

"Why not?"

***

"Congratulations!"

"Way to go!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"Does this mean you can arrest me now?"

Kate smiled. The staff at Angel Investigations, some of her very few friends, had heard the news of her reinstatement as a member of the illustrious LAPD before she had the chance to tell them, and decided to surprise her with a party.

But as much as she was overjoyed, she did have business to conduct. But first...

"Thank you Angel, thank you Wesley, thank you Cordelia and yes, Gunn, that means I can arrest you now." She laughed. "But only if you do something wrong."

"Me? Do anything wrong? Are you crazy?"

Wesley and Angel gave each other a "Does he really believe that?" look, and Cordelia started laughing. "So why'd you really stop by?"

"I'd heard the three of you were in Sunnydale at one point," Kate said, looking at Angel, Cordelia and Wesley. "I was wondering if you knew anything about a Graham Miller."

Gunn sputtered. "That little wussy crybaby? What'd he do now?"

Kate glanced at the young man. "You knew him?"

"Knew him? Man, he was in my group, you know? Couldn't fight worth a shit and probably got hurt more often than hurting vamps." Gunn shook his head. "Whatever happened to him?"

"He joined the Marines, worked for a special project called--"

"The Initiative," Angel said. "That I've heard about. Buffy's ex-boyfriend, Riley Finn, worked with them." Angel glared slightly. "I thought they got disbanded."

"They did, but Graham got into trouble with Agent Finn's death." She laughed slightly. "Seems Mr. Miller swang both ways."

Cordelia gagged. "Okay, ew..."

Angel shot Cordelia a glance. "Anyway, what's the problem?"

"Mr. Miller has become Wolfram & Hart's newest employee, working under---"

"Lindsey McDonald," the other four people in the room chorused.

"Great," Cordelia said. "Now this should be interesting."

***

"I know drag is second nature for you, but..." Lindsey began. "Why the hell do I have to wear a dress?"

"You're too easily recognizable around here. I mean, that weird host..."

Lindsey shrugged, tossing the dress to Graham. "It'll look better on you than me. Purple's definitely not my color."

Graham scowled. "You have no balls, you know?"

"And from what I remember of your street punk past, you weren't anything like this."

"Marine Corps changes you." He eyed the dress, looking at the pale lavender color. "You sure it'll fit?"

Lindsey shrugged. "You don't have to wear it. If I go in and I'm recognized, maybe it'll help."

"But still...think it'll fit?"

Lindsey rolled his eyes. "Use the bathroom, try the damn thing on already."

***

"Aspirin..." Cordelia said, looking up and quickly shutting her eyes at the bright light.

"Are you--" Wesley began, but Cordelia opened her eyes and glared.

"If you ask me if I'm all right I'll beat you upside the head!"

"I was going to say," Wesley began again, "are you going to be able to give a description of the vision? I didn't expect you to hit your head on the table when you fell."

"Oh," Cordelia said as Gunn handed her three aspirin and some cool water. "Yeah...I saw our favorite one-handed lawyer with two hands at Caritas, followed by a really badly dressed drag queen." She swallowed the aspirin and the water. "I saw the Host pinching the drag queen's ass...now if that's a sight I never see again..."

Angel nodded. "Wesley, what should we do?"

"Wait a second," Cordelia said. She went over to the desk, looking at the picture of Graham Miller that Kate had left. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is Mr. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert."

Gunn started to choke on his muffled laughter. "Oh, this is too good..."

Angel glared, and then it softened as he saw the large bump forming on Cordelia's forehead. "Do you think you can walk?"

"I can try," she said, standing up. A second later she fell backward into Gunn's arms. "Guess not."

"Much as I want to see Miller looking like a pretty girl, I'll stay here with her," Gunn said. "Keep an eye on her."

"Right. Angel and I will head to Caritas, see what's going on there," Wesley said. He looked at Angel. "Weapons?"

"Maybe just a Polaroid camera," Angel said with a trace of a smile.

***

"Welcome back!" The Host looked at Lindsey. "Going to grace us with a song?"

"Maybe...don't have my guitar with me," he said, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"And who are you?" The Host said, looking at a drag Graham. He was wearing a dark brown wig, and his make-up was done so well even a professional make-up artist would have been envious.

"A...client," Graham said in a falsetto voice. "What a nice establishment."

"Thank you," Lorne said. He continued looking Graham up and down. "Didn't know you swung that way, Lindsey. Want to share?"

Lindsey coughed, a blush racing up his cheeks. "Um...um..."

Lorne looked at him. "Well?"

"No, thanks anyway, sorry, gotta go."

"Hey!" Graham gasped as Lorne pinched his butt. "I don't swing that way!"

"That's not what I heard..." Lorne said as he walked over to the stage. He looked at the audience. "Next up is Lindsey and his 'friend'...what's your name?"

Graham swallowed. "Brunhilda."

"Brunhilda," Lorne repeated, clapping. The two of them walked up on the stage and, in something that looked like it embarrassed Lindsey more than the pass Lorne had made, started to sing "Love To Love You."

And two things unfolded to Lindsey horror while Graham sang his heart out.

Angel and Wesley walked in with a Polaroid camera from the door.

Darla, who had watched Lindsey and Graham get hit upon, was whispering to the Host and pointing at Lindsey or Graham, he didn't know.

"Smile, boys," Wesley said, snapping a picture of the two on stage as Graham threw his arm around Lindsey. Angel started to laugh, commenting on Graham's lack of neck and the fact his wig was slipping off and his natural hair was showing.

He was so into the song he didn't care. Lindsey wanted to shoot himself right then and there.

Lindsey jumped off the stage and pushed between Angel and Wesley, going to the Host to find out what he had to do to stop Angel and his group only to hear Darla say, rather loudly, "I'm not sure who's worse in bed. Lindsey might not have much, but he almost knows how to use it. Graham's a rotweiller with no sense of direction."

At that moment Lorne turned around and looked at Lindsey. Everyone in the vicinity laughed. Lindsey stood all alone, humiliated for the third time in less than ten minutes.

What had he done to deserve this?

"That's it! That's it! I can't stand this anymore!" Lindsey looked at Wesley and Angel. "Why do you do this?"

"Do what?" Wesley said.

"Torment me. I'm not an evil demon."

"No, but you are evil."

"How am I evil? Prove it." Lindsey crossed his arms, staring down his opponent.

Wesley cleared his throat. "One primary definition of evil is morally bad. You have no morals or, if you do, they are against society's norms of right and wrong. Another definition is corrupt."

"But corrupt means influenced by bribes," Lindsey said smugly.

"Corrupt also means dishonest, wicked and evil. If you are corrupt, then you are evil. And you are the most corrupt man I have ever met."

"Have I deviated from the norm? Aren't most lawyers corrupt?"

"True," Wesley said, conceding the point to Lindsey. "But evil is also depraved, vicious, and due to bad conduct or character and, frankly, I wouldn't be surprised, should you ever be brought to an ethics committee, you would be held accountable for far more than petty corruption." Wesley had an even more smug look on his face than Lindsey had had.

Lindsey began to reply, but closed his mouth. "So I'm evil. So you win the intellectual fight. But...can you win the physical fight?" With that he lunged at Wesley.

Angel had ignored the intellectual fight when he felt Gunn tap him on the shoulder. Cordelia had been fine right after Wesley and Angel left so they hightailed it to Caritas. While Gunn and Angel watched Graham continue to embarrass himself, Cordelia watched Lindsey and Wesley with interest.

When Lindsey made his move, she was ready. Fighting demons in Sunnydale all those years hadn't left her totally incapable of fighting. She tripped Lindsey as he moved towards Wesley, and as he stumbled, she caught him.

"Poor lawyer boy. Here, let me help you up," she said in a sickly sweet voice. As he shrugged her off, she got her footing right and swung a left hook at him.

He fell to the floor, knocked out.

Cordelia looked at him for a second, then grabbed her fist with her other hand. "Ow! Ow ow ow OW!"

***

Kate got the call to Caritas. There had been a disturbance, and a guy was there with his pants down and, oh, Graham Miller and Lindsey McDonald were involved.

She walked in and saw Cordelia at the bar with a pack of ice on her fist, Lindsey on the floor by the stage with a blond and the demon host standing over him staring at the man's briefs, Angel and Gunn making an obvious drag queen continue singing child songs.

She looked at Wesley, who'd met her at the door. "Do I want to know what happened?"

"Yeah, but not in a police report way," he said. "Let's just say Lindsey can get arrested for public lewdness. The man in drag on the stage is the Mr. Miller you were looking for. Gunn's having fun with him."

"Did Cordelia knock Lindsey out?"

Wesley nodded. "She surely did."

Kate shook her head, fishing around for her handcuffs. "Trust Angel Investigations to get the job done."