Work Text:
Always look on the bright side of the Apocalypse
by Draxar
Buffy is running to Giles' house. She was just on the phone to him. Reporting in after a nights patrolling, she heard a commotion on the other end of the line, lots of growling and crashing before the line went dead.
She was now at the bottom of the stairs to the apartment complex Giles lived in. Worried about his safety she is racing up two steps at a time. As she nears the top she notices a figure dressed all in black, standing in the gateway to the building.
Reaching the top, she sees it's Spike. He's blocking the way to Giles' house, so she strides up to him.
Buffy: Come with me Spike, Giles is in trouble.
Spike just stands there impassively.
Buffy: Fine! Be childish if you want, just get out of my way. (She tries to go past him)
Spike: (Pushes her back) No chance luv.
Buffy: (Angry) Get out of my way!
Spike: Sorry slayer, you're not passing here alive.
Buffy: Really? And what are you going to do to me chip-boy? Make scathing comments? Shout 'Nee'?
Spike: Actually, I was thinking of good old fashioned violence. (He punches Buffy) By the way, the chip stopped working. It must have run out of batteries.
Buffy: Fine. If you want to die, then I'll be more than happy to oblige. (She draws a sword from a scabbard on her back.
They fought. Spike managed to hold his own for a little while, but Buffy was better armed and a better fighter. She quickly gained the advantage, cutting Spike several times. Suddenly, with one well-timed swing, she chopped his right arm off.
Buffy: I'd love to stay and chop you into little pieces, but I have to go help Giles (Tries to go past Spike again)
Spike: (Punches her with his left arm) The fights not over yet, coward!
Buffy: Spike, you've lost an arm. I've obviously won.
Spike: No I haven't.
Buffy: It's there on the ground beside you.
Spike: It's just a flesh wound, I've had worse.
Buffy: Your choice. I guess I'll just have to chop a few more bits off.
She attacked again, and quickly chopped his arms off.
Buffy: Okay, I'm going now, I think you're harmless now. (She moves past him)
Spike: Hah! It's just a scratch (He trips Buffy as she walked past him)
Buffy: (Gets up) Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
Spike: (Kicks her) Chicken! Chicken.
Still in a hurry to get to Giles, Buffy swings her sword and manages to cut both of Spike's legs off with one blow.
Spike: (Looks down at the stumps of his legs, then up at Buffy) Right, I'll do you for that.
Buffy: You'll what?
Spike: Come here.
Buffy: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Spike: I'm invincible!
Buffy: You're a loony!
Spike: William the Bloody always triumphs!
Buffy: Fine, we'll call it a draw. (She walks past him)
Spike: Come back here you chicken! (He tries to hop after her, but over balances and falls forward towards a wooden stick sitting on the ground) Oh bugger! (Poof)
Buffy quickly reached Giles' house, kicked down the door and ran in.
Buffy: Giles!
Giles is on the sofa, watching the television. Hearing Buffy's voice, he gets up turns off the TV and turns round to see her.
Giles: Buffy? What's wrong? (He looks past her) And what have you done to my door?
Buffy: Huh? I thought you were in trouble.
Giles: (Puzzled) No, I'm just watching a movie.
Buffy: But... I heard fighting...
Giles: Ah! I'm watching 'Night of the Living Dead', you probably heard that.
Buffy: And I got cut off...
Giles: (Sigh) Yes... I've told Olivia not to use the Internet when I'm on the phone; it always just cuts me off, even if I'm in the middle of a conversation.
Buffy: Oh. Sorry about your door.
Giles: It's okay, you were right to be worried. (Worried voice) You didn't damage anything else important on your way over, did you?
Buffy: (Thinks for a moment) Nah.
***
Xander walks down a street in Sunnydale, and he happens to glance at his reflection in a shop window.
Xander: (Sighs) I _really_ need a haircut.
He notices that the shop he's looking into is actually a barber's shop, so he goes in.
Inside he sees the usual hairdressers set up of chairs, basins and mirrors. He also sees the barber; a tall man with overgeled spiky brown hair, wearing a white coat over a black shirt and back jeans. The coat worried Xander a bit; it was ripped in many places and there were red stains all over it.
Angel: Hello, I'm Angel the barber. (His face twitches violently) How may I help you?
Xander: Surprisingly enough, I'm here for a haircut, Mr Barber.
Angel: Mr Barber? Who's he? (Pause) Ah! Yes I see. (His face twitches again) Please sit down and prepare to meet your doo- I mean prepare to have your hair cut.
Xander: (Slightly worried) Uh... Okay (He sits in the chair)
Angel: (Another face twitch) So, what would you like today sir?
Xander: Short back and sides please.
Angel: (Puzzled) How do you do that then?
Xander: Just an ordinary short back and sides.
Angel: Is that a razor cut? Razor! Razor! Razor cutting! Blood spurting! Ah ha ha ha!
Xander: (Gets up and backs away from Angel) Are you okay man?
Angel: No. (Sighs) The problem is... every time I see people just sitting there, and me with a razor in my hand... it's just so tempting to kill them.
Xander: And it looks like you haven't done too well at resisting temptation. (Points at Angels torn coat with red stains all over it)
Angel: What? (He looks down at his coat) Oh! No, I haven't killed anyone, I just left a razor in the coat pocket the last time I washed it, and I wore the coat when I was painting yesterday.
Xander: Well, that makes me feel a lot safer, but I really think you should get some counselling to deal with you homicidal urges. (Pauses for a moment to think) Are you sure this is the right job for you?
Angel: You're right, it was my parents who made me do this. I never wanted to be a barber anyway; I always wanted to be... a vampire!
Angel walked towards the other end of the room, for some reason that part of the shop was totally unlit. As he walked, people came up to him from nowhere. One took the white coat off him, replacing it with a black leather duster. Another put a set of white plastic fangs in his mouth, while a third slapped a bit of flesh coloured clay onto Angel's forehead and sculpted it into a vampiric game-face.
As Angel spoke again music started to play, although Xander was totally unable to tell where it was coming from.
Angel: Prowling the night, a creature of darkness.
Angel's voice was suddenly accompanied by a group of deep voiced singers that could be heard but not seen.
Singers: La la la, la la la. (They continued to sing like this though Angel's monologue)
Angel: Preying on the weak, the helpless, the homeless, the hapless, and the hillbillies. Stalking the unwary, killing my enemies, torturing the defenceless, performing random acts of vandalism, doing horrible things to puppies using nails, and throwing water bombs at recently painted houses.
(Drucilla walks in and goes to Angel, he puts his arm around her)
Angel: With my Dark Queen by my side, we'd sing, sing, sing...
The lights come up and you can see the part of the room he's in. It's medieval in style with old stone walls that have chains and manacles attached to them. In one corner are the singers who accompanied Angel, they are a group typical vampire minions, all dressed in black.
Angel: Oh I'm a vampire and I'm okay,
I hunt all night and I plot all day.
Minions: He's a vampire and he's okay,
He hunts all night and he plots all day.
Angel: I hunt the weak, I drink their blood, I wander the cemetery.
On Wednesdays I read Anne Rice, then go on a killing spree.
Minions: He hunts the weak, he drinks their blood, he wanders the cemetery.
On Wednesdays he reads Anne Rice, then goes on a killing spree.
Angel and Minions: Oh I'm a vampire and I'm okay,
I hunt all night and I plot all day.
Angel: I hunt the weak, I brood and pout, I style my hair for hours.
I go out to the park, where I make bouquets of flowers.
Minions: He hunts the weak, he broods and pouts, he styles his hair for hours.
He goes out to the park, where he (shocked) makes bouquets of flowers?!?
Angel and Minions: Oh I'm a vampire and I'm okay,
I hunt all night and I plot all day.
Angel: I help the weak, I save the world, I write love poems all day.
I used to love the slayer, but now I think I'm gay.
Minions: He helps the weak, he saves the world, he writes (shocked) love
poems all day?!? (They start booing and jeering at him) Boo! Boo! Poof!
(They start throwing rotten tomatoes at him)
Drucilla: O Angel! (She sobs) And I thought you were so evil.
***
Giles sighed in relief as he finished sorting the fifty-five volumes of 'Wilkerson's' comprehensive guide to Fungus demons'. It had taken him 4 hours to catalogue it fully, but now it was done. Unless a group of mushroom demons attacked Sunnydale he would never have to look at the things again. Suddenly there was a commotion outside the library doors, and Buffy, Willow, and Xander burst in, carrying a black clothed figure.
Buffy, Xander, and Willow: A vampire! A vampire! We found a vampire! Stake him!
Buffy: We found a vampire, can we stake him?
Giles: How do you know he's a vampire?
Xander: He looks like one!
Buffy and Willow: Yeah!
Giles: (Sigh) Bring him forward.
As the alleged vampire was brought forward Giles saw it was Johnathan, wearing a black leather trenchcoat, and all black clothes. As he got closer Giles saw that his forhead looked like the usual vampirc game-face, but something wasn't quite right with it.
Johnathan: I'm not a vampire! I'm not a vampire!
Giles: But you are dressed as one.
Johnathan: They dressed me up like this.
Buffy, Xander, and Willow: No we didn't!
Johnathan: This isn't my forehead, it's a false one.
Giles: (Pokes Johnathan's forehead, his finger leaves an impression. He turns to Buffy) Well?
Buffy: We did do the forehead.
Giles: The forehead?
Buffy: And the jacket. But he is a vampire.
Xander and Willow: Yeah! Stake him!
Giles: Did you dress him up like this?
Buffy, Xander and Willow: No! No!
Buffy: ...Yes... a bit...
Xander: He does have long fingernails... Sort of like claws...
Giles: What makes you think she's a witch?
Willow: He drained all of my blood! (Everybody in the room gives her strange looks) I got better.
Buffy: Stake him anyway!
Giles: There are ways of telling if he's a vampire.
Xander: What are they?
Giles: What kills vampires
Buffy: Staking them!
Giles: What else?
Willow: Holy water... decapitation...
Xander: Sunlight?
Giles: Yes! And what does sunlight do, other than killing a vampire?
Buffy: Kills more vampires!
Willow: Evaporates water.
Giles: Ah, but can you not also evaporate water by putting it on the radiator?
Willow: True.
Giles: What does sunlight do to plants?
Xander: It makes them grow! Stick in some earth, water him, and if he doesn't grow then he's a vampire!
Giles: That would take too long. Now, plants grow because get lots of sunlight, so what does that tell you?
Buffy: They... store up the sunlight to make them grow?
Giles: Exactly! So logically...
Buffy: Plants grow because they've got sunlight them.
Giles: And therefore?
Buffy: If he's a vampire... he'll be hurt by the sunlight in the plants
Giles: Well done! Willow, go and get a plant, I'm sure they'll have some in the science department.
Willow ran out and swiftly returned with a plant in a pot, and a piece of paper in her hand
Willow: You were right Giles, one of the classes is doing a project on growth rates of plants.
She gave the plant to Buffy, while putting the piece of paper (which had 'Science project: Growth rate of Nettles' written on it.)
Buffy held the plant by the pot and rubbed it on Johnathan's skin.
Johnathan: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Buffy, Xander and Willow: A vampire!
Johnathan: It's a fair cop.
***
Buffy Summers was weeping.
The day had seemed so normal; lectures at UC Sunnydale, then hanging out with Willow and Xander at Giles' house. She had been trying to make sure that she spent more time with Xander, they had been drifting apart, and she didn't want to lose someone who had always been there for her.
Giles had told them about another plot to end the world. This time it was from a group of demons called the Anakim, a rare type of demon. Little was known about them, even compared to the small amount known about 'common' demons. All they could find was a description: large, blue skinned demons with vicious claws for hands. They were planning to perform a ritual involving the blood of twelve of the demons, which would open the Hellmouth and bring the pure demons back to this plane.
To tell the truth, they were fairly blase about the situation; they had saved the world so many times that it wasn't frightening anymore. Even Giles didn't think these demons would be too hard to defeat.
The research they had don't didn't mention any methods for killing the Anakim, they had assumed it was because all you needed to do was decapitate them, or just do lots of general damage. It was actually because no one knew how to kill the things, as they quickly discovered when they faced them in battle.
While a thrice-blessed sword of untempered steel might kill them instantly or maybe the tears of a virgin, the Scooby gang's efforts using swords, crossbows and fists was totally ineffectual.
The Initiative then swaggered in, certain that their stun blasters would take the things out, and that tonight the labs would be home to twelve new 'hostiles'. The blasters were useless, if anything they made the demons stronger.
The blue skinned demons quickly massacred the Initiative. Buffy was surprised that she didn't feel anything when she saw Riley cut in half, she supposed that it was because they had never connected on a deep level.
After the Initiative went down, the Scooby gang entered the fray. They managed to hold their own for a while, Willow and Tara forcing the demons back with spells, while Xander strafed them with Uzi bullets, using the weapon with a practised ease he had learned from his army experience one Halloween.
But it wasn't enough... Willow and Tara were getting tired due to the effort they were putting into their spells and Xander's ammo supply was rapidly being depleted.
Suddenly, one of the demons broke free of the witches' hold, and it rushed at them. Buffy and Giles tried to stop it reaching the spellcasters, but they were just thrown aside.
When it reached the two girls the creature bashed their heads together, knocking them out. This broke the spell they had been weaving and the other demons were free. Without magical backup, Buffy Xander and Giles stood no chance.
Buffy Summers was weeping.
Around her were the bodies of her friends: Giles was impaled on his own sword, Willow and Tara had been literally ripped apart, and Xander was on the ground near her, his legs bent at impossible angles.
Buffy herself was beaten, bruised, and bloody, injured beyond fighting. More importantly her spirit had been crushed: Everyone she depended on was gone, all she could do was weep.
The Anakim were so sure of themselves, they didn't bother to finish her off. They knew she wouldn't -couldn't do anything, so they left her weeping on the floor while they performed their ritual.
Buffy heard a grunt of pain and tuned to see what it was. Xander was ignoring pain so great it would make most faint, and was using his hands to drag himself along the ground towards her.
Buffy: (Sobbing) Xander?
Xander: (Comforting) Shh, it's okay.
As he reached her, Xander stopped crawling and pulled Buffy into an embrace, letting her cry into his shoulder.
Buffy: (Still sobbing) It's all my fault. I should have stopped them...
Xander: You did your best, its _not_ your fault. We did everything we could.
Buffy: But we failed...
Xander: So? We fought against the darkness; we fought as hard as we could. We've done far more than most people do for the world. Dying in the ruins of Sunnydale High wasn't exactly one of my life goals, but I'm glad I'm with you when I go.
Xander started coughing, great hacking coughs. He quickly finished and spat out some blood onto the dusty ground.
Xander: There's something I need to tell you Buffy, (He coughs again) I love you. You're the light that makes me fight the darkness. It doesn't matter that the worlds ending if you're here with me. You are my reason for living. I love you Buffy, I know you don't feel the same-
Buffy: (Interrupting him) Shh... (She turns around to face him) I _do_ feel the same Xander, you've made me realise it; you're my rock, my anchor. I depend on you Xander, totally. I'm just sorry it took the end of the world for me to see how much I need you. (Looking into his eyes, she slowly ran her hand though his blood-matted hair, then gently caressed his cheek) I love you Xander... (She gives him a wry half smile) I guess my timing really sucks, huh? (She breaks down, crying again) I don't want to die Xan, not after I've seen you properly for the first time.
Xander: I know, I know. (He pulls her up, until her face is level with his. He lovingly strokes her hair, then gives her a deep and passionate kiss. He then draws back, and suddenly grins) Hey, cheer up Buffy, you know what they say: (He begins to sing)
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
The Anakim suddenly began to whistle along to the tune, as if they were following the instructions of the song. Music started to play, although there seemed to be no source.
Xander: And...
Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the light side of life.
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh, and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse you lips and whistle, that's the thing.
Xander took a deep breath and sang the chorus again, this time joined by the Anakim (Who had good singing voices, surprisingly enough).
Xander and Demons: Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the bright side of life.
Xander: For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin,
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow.
The demons carried on whistling, while Xander paused to cough up some more blood. This time, Giles joined in with Xander and the Anakim to sing the chorus.
Xander, Demons, and Giles: So, always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Xander grinned and kissed Buffy's forehead, leaving a red lip-shaped mark from his blood.
Xander: Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh, and deaths the joke, it's true!
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep them laughing as you go,
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
The demons linked arms and began to dance as they sang the chorus, this time a few of the Initiative soldiers who were still in one piece joined in, leaving Buffy the only one not singing.
Everybody but Buffy: Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the right side of life.
Xander: Come on Buffy, cheer up.
Everybody but Buffy and Xander: Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the bight side of life.
Xander: What have you got to lose? You came from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? _Nothing_!
Everybody but Buffy and Xander: Always look on the bright side of life.
Xander: Cheer up Buff. Come on, give me a smile (She looks up at him and slowly smiles) There you go!
Everybody but Buffy and Xander: Always look on the bright side of life.
Buffy kept on smiling as she put her finger to the lip shaped bloodstain on her forehead. She brought her finger back to her eye level, and stared at it in mock horror.
Buffy: (Obviously fake shocked tone) Xander, it this lipstick I see before me? (She taps him on the nose with her bloodied finger, leaving a little mark) And I thought you were so rugged.
Buffy then brought Xander close for a very long kiss. It was a kiss for abandoning regrets and living in the moment, yet it was more a kiss of love than of passion. Xander pulled her in close to him and they snuggled together until they were comfortable.
Slowly, their eyes closed and their bodies' relaxed, as they slipped into eternal slumber.
The Anakim were still singing and now they were circling the couple, doing high kicks as they sang.
Everybody but Buffy and Xander: Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the bright side of life,
Always look on the bright side of life...
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