SquidgeWorld Archive

Fraser was shaking. He couldn't get the image of Ray out of his head - Ray stepping in front of him, taking a bullet for him, collapsing in the hospital corridor. Why had Ray done that? Why had Ray Vecchio risked his life for Benton Fraser?

He supposed it was a way for Ray to feel better about having shot him in the first place. But really, the shooting had been an accident. Ray had thought Victoria had a gun and was holding it on Fraser. And Fraser had been ready to leave with her. She had said "Come with me! You'll regret it if you don't!" What Ray hadn't understood was that she didn't need to hold a gun on him - the hold she had on him was much stronger than a weapon could ever be. He had been prepared to leave his job, leave Diefenbaker at the vet, recovering from a Victoria-inflicted gunshot wound, prepared to leave Ray - his partner, his friend, who had bailed Benton out of jail with a mortgage on his house. And Ben was prepared to leave Ray to possibly lose his home and face the inevitable questions regarding the stolen money and murder of Jolly, alone.

He didn't deserve the sacrifices Ray had made for him. He really didn't deserve the risk of Ray's life. Ray had a family who depended on him. Fraser had no one and nothing, except one deaf wolf. And one very stubborn partner and best friend.

Could it be - was it at all possible -that Ray loved him? As more than his best friend? Ben had suppressed his feelings for the Italian for almost as long as they had known each other, believing there was no way a dedicated Catholic family man would even give same-sex relationships a passing thought as a remote possibility. But since Victoria had shown up in Ben's life, Ray's actions had gone above and beyond the call of 'best friend' duty. Ray had nearly broken down his apartment door when Fraser had missed work to be with Victoria, believing him to be sick or injured in some way. He had taken Victoria into his home, no questions asked, as a favour to Ben. He'd informed Victoria, "Hurt him and I'll kill you," and when she had expressed her 'appreciation' for all Ray had done, Ray had said coldly, "It's not you I do it for." Of course, he hadn't known his partner had overheard that conversation.

Then, after the shooting, even after he'd told Ray "I was going with her," Ray had stayed at his bedside, morning and night, for three weeks. Every day for three weeks. Once in awhile, when Ray let his mask slip, Ben caught a glimpse of the pain and worry his friend felt. He wished there
was something he could do about it, but from his hospital bed there wasn't much. In fact, in his own pain - both physical and emotional - he'd practically ignored Ray for most of that time. Then Ray had offered to leave - and Ben had suddenly felt ashamed. He didn't want Ray to leave. He told him that. The look on Ray's face had been like a reward. For the first time since he'd been admitted to the hospital, Ben felt the pain lessen a little.

"Hello, son," said the spirit of Robert Fraser.

"Hello, Dad."

"Any news on the Yank?" asked the elder Fraser.

"He's still in surgery. I don't know if they'll let me see him when he comes out - they may just allow family to see him. The only reason he was able to be with me is that I have him listed as my next of kin."

"He's a good man, son."

"Yes, he is."

"Not many out there who would take a bullet for another man."

"Ray is ...special."

"Indeed he is. He's a good partner."

"Dad...you know, don't you, that the way I feel about him....is more than just partnership, or even friendship."

"Of course I know! I'm dead, not stupid. I'm also not blind. Yes, I know how you feel about the Yank."

"And it doesn't bother you that I'm in love with a man?"

"Why should it bother me? Certainly I'm surprised, considering it was only a few weeks ago you were running after the Metcalfe woman. He's a good man, son. You could do worse." Robert Fraser refrained from adding "And you *have* done worse."

Someone touched Benton's shoulder. He looked up and saw his physical therapist, Jill Kennedy. "Detective Vecchio is out of surgery. You can see him now, if you want to. I'll take you."

"Thank you," murmured Fraser as the therapist pushed his wheelchair. He was still unable to walk unassisted.

Jill wheeled him into Ray's hospital room. The detective was still asleep. "Do you want me to leave you alone with him?" Jill asked. Ben wheeled as close to the bed as he could and reached for his partner's hand. "Yes," he said. "I have some things I need to ... discuss with Ray. Thank you kindly."

The blonde woman hesitated. "He's very important to you," she observed.

"He's my best friend," said Fraser.

"Why do I get the feeling there's something you're not telling me, Ben?" asked Jill.

"I have no idea why you would have that feeling," the Canadian responded. The therapist shook her head and walked away.

Fraser watched his friend sleep off the effects of the anesthetic he'd been given. "Ray?" he whispered. "It's me, Benny. You were here for me when I came out of surgery, and now I'm here for you. I don't know why you did what you did, Ray. Why did you step in front of that bullet? How could you risk your life for me? What have I ever done to deserve that? To deserve your...love?"

Ray was starting to awaken when he heard his partner speaking to him. He decided to feign sleep for a little bit longer in order to hear what Benny had to say. Love? Benny knew that Ray loved him. And he didn't think he deserved it. Funny, it had never occurred to him before that Benny might be insecure or have feelings of inferiority. He was good looking and smart and women fell all over him - and yet he didn't think himself worthy of love. Maybe the Victoria-monster had messed with him more than he thought. When Benny had been shot, she had stayed on that train - someone who truly loved him would have been frantic with worry, would have jumped off that train or at least gotten off at the next station and come back to find out how he was. For all the Metcalfe bitch cared, Benny could be dead. And Ray would never forgive himself for being the cause of that near-death. He opened his eyes to see his partner watching him intently.

"Ray?"

"Hey, Benny. How are you?"

"I'll be fine, Ray, thanks to you. But I should be asking you how *you* are. "

"Benny, you're not fine. Not yet, anyway. You're still in a wheelchair. And that's my fault."

Fraser sighed. "Ray, it was NOT your fault. It was an accident. You saved my life, Ray. You took a bullet for me."

"It's just a flesh wound," said Ray. He smiled. "I've always wanted to say that."

But Benny was not in the mood for jokes. "Ray, I want to know - why did you do that? Take a bullet for me? You could easily have been killed."

Ray's green eyes flashed angrily. "What, and somehow it's okay if you get killed instead?"

Fraser looked at the floor. "Ray, you have a family. Your mother and sisters depend on you. My parents are dead, I have no siblings, no one depends on me. If anything happened to me ... no one would miss me for long."

"Benny, listen to me. Don't ever compare yourself to me that way. My family is your family. My Ma loves you like you're her own son. You're like another uncle to Maria and Tony's kids. And Frannie..well, everyone knows how Frannie feels about you. But Benny, the main reason I did that - and I would do it again in a heartbeat - is that I can't imagine what it would be like to live without you. If anything happened to you, I don't know what I'd do, how I'd live. What I guess I'm trying to say here is, I love you, Benny. I know you probably don't have the same - feelings - about me, since you were in love with Victoria. I'm not trying to put any kind of demands on you or change our friendship into something else. I'd rather have you as my friend than not have you in my life at all. You're as essential to me as air, the kind of thing you don't notice until there's a possibility it'll be taken away. And when I ...when I shot you...I knew that if you died, I would die."

"Ray, I know that you love me, you've demonstrated that to me. What I don't understand is - why? Why do you love me?"

"Why not?"

"Because I don't deserve it," Ben said softly.

"Benny, love isn't something a person deserves or doesn't deserve. It isn't something you earn. It just ...is." He tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. "Benny, do you think we could talk about this when I haven't just woken up? When I'm a bit more coherent?"

"Very well, Ray. That would be a good idea. I need to think about what you've told me." He started to push his wheel chair away then turned back to his friend. "Ray, I want you to know, you will never lose my friendship. "

Ray lay back on his pillows and closed his eyes. "Thanks, Benny. I needed to hear that."

Fraser wheeled back to his room and thought for a long time. He wanted to tell Ray how he felt, but he didn't know how to put it into words. Normally when he had something he wanted to communicate, he told a story and hoped his listener understood his meaning. But that wouldn't work this time. Then he had an idea. When Jill arrived for his physical therapy session, he asked her for a favour. He asked her to bring him a tape deck and a certain song to play on it.

The next day found him back in Ray's room. Ray couldn't push his wheelchair on his own because of his injured arm.so Ben went to him. "Hey, Benny," said Ray, relieved that his partner had come back.

"Ray, I have some things I need to tell you," Fraser said.

Ray looked worried, though he tried to hide it. "Sure, Benny. That's what we agreed on yesterday, that we would talk. What do you want to say?"

"It's about Victoria."

"Okay, what about her?" asked Ray.

"You said that I was in love with her, but I wasn't. I was ... obsessed with her. I believed I loved her but really, what I loved was what she represented to me. I spent such a long time feeling guilty for sending her to prison, that when she came back in to my life I saw an opportunity to
make up for it. I had been feeling trapped. Trapped in my job at the consulate, trapped in Chicago, unable to really be a Mountie because of my...unpopularity in Canada. And she offered me a chance to escape. What I did not see at the time was that she simply offered another kind of trap.
Ray, because of her I...betrayed you. I was going to jump bail. You could have lost your home. I don't know how you can even stand to be around me after all that I have done."

"Benny.... all I can say is that I love you. And I forgive you. I'd do anything for you, Benny."

"Ray, you must understand, no one has ever told me that they love me before."

"No one?" asked Ray in surprise. "Not even your parents?"

"My mother died when I was so young I barely remember her. My father...he believed that to show emotions was a sign of weakness. I'm certain he did love me, but he would have never said it."

Ray leaned forward so that he could reach his partner's hand. He took it and held it in his. "I'm sorry, Benny, That's no way for a kid to grow up, never hearing that he's loved."

"Ray, your childhood was just as difficult as mine, if not more so, with the way your father treated you."

"But I had my Ma, and my sisters and my brother. We took care of each other. You were an only child. You must have felt so alone."

"Well, yes, I suppose I did. But not any more. Now that I have you, Ray, I am no longer alone."

Ray looked hopeful. "You mean that, Benny?"

"Yes, Ray. I am not good at putting what I feel in to words, so I brought this - " he indicated the tape deck - "because I remembered hearing this song once, and it says a lot of what I want to tell you. Would you listen to it?

"Of course," said Ray.

Fraser put the tape in to the stereo and hit the play button. Jann Arden's haunting voice filled the room.

"I've never seen this kind of love
The kind that won't wash away
And then leave you in the dark.
I would die for you
I would die for you
I would die for you

I've never kissed a sweeter mouth
I've never been swept away
It's what dreams are made of
Don't you know I could not survive
Without you in my life
I would die for you
I would die for you
I would die for you

I've never seen this kind of love
The kind that won't slip away
Yes I'm seeing through your heart
Don't you know I could not survive
Without you in my life?
I would die for you
I would die for you
I would die for you

"Benny...." whispered Ray. "Is that really how you feel?"

"Yes, Ray. I love you. I never believed that you could love me, until now. I was going to run away from you...from my feelings for you...with Victoria. I am very glad that I didn't."

"I'm glad too, Benny," said Ray, wiping a tear from his face. "I just wish it hadn't been because I shot you."

Fraser sighed. "Ray, I told you before, that was an accident. You were trying to protect me! You believed that Victoria was going to shoot me. Can we put that behind us now, and concentrate on the future - our future?"

"*Our* future? I like the sound of that," said Ray with a smile.

"May I kiss you, Ray?" asked Benny.

In response Ray moved over as far as he could in his hospital bed and leaned over the side. He used his uninjured hand to raise Benny's face to his. They kissed.

//It's true// Fraser thought. //I never have kissed a sweeter mouth.//