SquidgeWorld Archive

I was with Dean for six months before he even began to trust me. We had a relationship that was even better than any thing I had ever imagined. I knew that Dean had some reservations about us being both brothers and lovers, but he still continued with our relationship. Despite what people may think Dean is not obsessed with sex. At the very beginning of our relationship as lovers, he refused to share the same bed with me for two months. We did not make love for four months and when we did, it was beautiful. I have never felt such love for someone before. In that one moment, I knew Dean was the one I wanted spend the rest of my life with. Then it all went wrong.

You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a Smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of run around
You know it's true

I Left Dean. I left the person I claimed to love and at the time, I just did not give a shit. It makes me sound like a complete and utter bastard, but it is the truth. One night I found myself unable to sleep. Instead of waking Dean so we could talk or I could occupy myself wit him, I went to the nearest bar. When I say occupy myself with Dean I mean sex, but I was just thinking of my own selfish needs. I love Dean far too much to take advantage of him like that. Now I wish I had chosen to wake him up. It would have stopped me from screwing everything up so badly. At this bar, I met a girl whose name I cannot even remember now. This girl gave me a reminder of what Jessica was like. She made me feel normal and Dean can' give me that. He can never give me that.

So I took what this girl was offering and I enjoyed every damn minute of it. I felt only the smallest amount of guilt. We danced and there was no one around to tell me that it was wrong. This girl offered me the chance to go to San Francisco and I took it. I left a Post It note simply telling Dean I was gone and not coming back. I couldn't tell him that what I wanted was to walk down the street holding his hand. I wanted to tell Dean so many things like that but Dean does not do chick flick moments. I had two weeks of experiencing what a normal relationship was like. After those two weeks, any feeling I had for the girl had gone. I wanted Dean back.

You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do

For the first two weeks after my return from San Francisco, I followed Dean from job to job. I didn't stray to far from him in fear that each job he took on would be his last. When I finally made the decision to talk to Dean, it did not go to well. I tired telling him that I loved him, but he would not let me get the words out. Each attempt IO made at trying to start a conversation with him was cut short. If it were physically possible, the look Dean had in his eyes would have killed me. I know I left Dean, but he has never been the easiest of people to live with. Everyday I spent with Dean was filled with some kind of Drama. Be it supernatural or personal. Dean is so closed up emotionally. The love he showed me in public was done with this twinkle in his eyes. It was as if he could not take our relationship seriously. Dean went to bars without me and I never questioned him about it, not even when he came back to the motel room smelling of cheap booze and sex. I never accused him of a damn thing. Dean could have been a cheating bastard for all I know. Despite the more cynical part of me that screams Dean is the one responsible for my actions, I know it is not true. Dean would never do what I have done to him. He would not hurt me like that.

Instead of starting one pointless conversation after another with Dean, I left the diner and leaned up against his impala. When he came out of the diner, I told him the girl was a meaningless screw. I said a whole bunch of shit just to get him to listen to me. When his only response was to get into the car and slam the door shut, I nearly cursed him every damn name under the sun. Instead, I just got into the car as if the last two weeks had not occurred. As Dean drove to whatever crappy motel he was staying in I talked. I told Dean that when I was with the girl it was not meant to be a permanent thing. I just wanted a small vacation away from hunting and us for a while. The girl was nothing more than a light relief from my life. When we finally reached the motel he was staying in, I fully expected him to let me inside. He left me outside in the rain. I tried banging on the door hoping that if I made enough noise he would let me in. He threatened me with the police and since I cannot afford to be arrested, I stopped banging on the door.

There may not be another way to your heart
So I guess I'd better find a new way in
I shiver when I hear your name
Think about you but it's not the same
I won't be satisfied till I'm under your skin

For a few minutes, I just stood outside the motel room door. I have hurt Dean so much and it is only now am I beginning to realize that. Even though I know I have hurt dean, I really do not think I should have to take all of the blame. Unwilling to give up so quickly I thought pickling the doors lock, but change my mind. I want Dean to welcome me with open arms. I do not want him to reach for his shotgun or the blade he always keeps under his pillow. The second option is the car, but if I damage that in any way, Dean will kill me. Having no money on me, I choose to say outside his motel room door. With only a coat for protection against the rain. I leaned against the door and settled in for a long cold night.

Immobilized by the though of you
Paralyzed by the thought of you
Hypnotized by the words you say
Not true but I believe them anyway

I woke up the next morning cold, miserable and more alone that I have felt for a long time. I managed to get Deans motel room door open only to find the room empty. None of his belongings was in the room so that meant he did not intend to come back. For some reason finding, his motel room empty sent a rush of white-hot rage though me. Dean had left while I was still asleep. He stepped over me to get away. Bastard, fucking insensitive bastard.

When I left Dean two weeks ago, it was not a planned thing. I now realize that I was grabbing a chance of casual sex. Sex without any of the emotional minefield attached to it. The Post It note was a little mistake. Telling a lover you are leaving them with a Post It note is wrong and Lazy. A few sentences to tell him I why I was leaving would have been better.

So come to bed its getting late
There's no more time for us to waste

For the first week I was away from Dean, I hardly left this girls bed. The only wasted time during that week was spent getting the essentials in. The girl had a huge array of sex toys and we used every one of them. It is so damn hot when you use a vibrator on a woman. You get to see how there face makes all kind of motions. I know Dean was always vocal during sex, but this girl was something else. After that first week, the feelings I had for the girl were gradually fading away. At the end of the second week, I could not stand the sight of her. I had pissed away a good relationship just for sex. I wanted Dean back and there was nothing I wasn't willing to do to achieve that.

After finding his motel room empty I went looking for Dean and found him in a diner finishing his breakfast. I swallowed what was left of my pride and I told Dean I was sorry. I told him how I felt. I told Dean all of my fears. He laughed at me. He told me that my fears were baseless and that the people who loved us knew we were lovers. After telling me all of that he got up from the booth and left the diner. When I tired to follow him well lets just say it is a damn good thing looks cannot kill

Remember how my body tastes
You feel your heart begin to race.

I did not go near Dean for another two weeks. I turn all stalker on him and I refuse to be ignored. I follow him on the next hunt he goes on just to make sure he does not get himself killed. Then I follow him to a bar were he practically fucking a guy on the dance floor. I even follow them out to an alleyway were they both do things to each other that are as hot as hell, but damn if most of its illegal. When I follow Dean back to the motel I want to know why he is tormenting me so much. When Dean asks me why, it is as if my whole damn brain has switched itself of. Hell, I cannot utter a single word and I know that is all the answer Dean need. I can't help it but I start crying. I know I have fucked up beyond all belief and I am losing Dean. When he kissed me on the forehead the tears began coming down even harder than before. When he told it was over, my heart started breaking. When he closed the door on me, it shattered a thousand tiny prices.

Thing is, most of this is my fault and I am only now beginning to realize that.