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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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1/1
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Will Sing For Food

Summary:

In a new ANGEL RENEWED, will Lilah and Illyria bump heads?
Wes realizes that not only the good guys escaped the W/H Hell dimension, Illyria's interest in Wes is threatened by Lilah, the one who walked away returns, and a very unexpected person gets a little crush on Spike.
Submitted through the 'YG deleted' Angel_TheWildAndWickedWesleyWyndhamPrice mailing list. Please join us at WesleyWyndhamPrice_WildAndWicked

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Will Sing For Food
by Veggieburger

CLOSE: On a pair of shapely female legs in a business skirt, walking along a tiled hallway. Her beautiful high-heeled shoes make a loud, hollow sound as she walks. Clack Clack Clack Clack.

INT: The ruins of the L.A. Wolfram and Hart executive lobby - the very spot we've seen so often, leading to Angel's former office, the stairway, etc. Rather than empty, it's bustling with activity as demons loot the offices. Goofy looking minions cart computers, file boxes, and armloads of office supplies out, bold as you please. They're grinning and chummy.

Their looting is interrupted by the sound of the woman's high-heels. We don't see her, but we see them look up and suddenly look embarrassed and alarmed.

CLOSE: On the woman's face and shoulders. It's Lilah Morgan. She looks quite executive and lovely as she smiles with ironic charm.

LILAH
Wow. That's dedication. I should probably be applauding your initiative.

The camera pulls back and we see she's holding an Uzi.

LILAH
But the Home Office has sent me to do an inventory and I'm behind schedule.

She opens fire on the looters, slaughtering them. We hear their screams as she smilingly mows them down.

A "cleanup crew" comes up behind her.

LILAH (to the crew)
The Home Office wants everything - EVERYTHING - in this building removed by midnight and shipped back to them. The wrecking crew starts tomorrow.

 

CUT TO: Next evening

INT: A Victorian-styled parlor in a secluded Westwood home. Angel and Spike are battling a crew of demons, whacking off heads and limbs, until all their attackers are dead.

ANGEL
Well, that takes care of the Vinjis clan. Not that we need to worry about them feuding with the Sahrvin anymore. Lindsey took care of that little detail.

SPIKE
Yeah, and you took care of that little detail called Lindsey. Quite a double-cross. Makes me wonder if I should watch my back.

ANGEL (threatening)
That's never a bad idea for you.

SPIKE
Angel, speaking of putting feuds to bed, don't you think it's time you lightened up? How much do I have to prove myself to you?

ANGEL
You'll never prove yourself to me, Spike. You're an asset. That's all.

SPIKE
An asset. That how you feel about the rest of the team? Those guys were willing to die for you.

ANGEL
Comes with the job. They all knew it coming in. They can leave anytime they want.

SPIKE
Yeah, well at least one of 'em got that message. (quick shot, Angel's pissed look) Angel, something's wrong with you lately. Well, wronger than usual.

Angel vamps out and slams Spike against the wall, with a very Angelus-looking grin.

ANGEL
Maybe it's just a moment of perfect unhappiness. You don't like it, go find Lorne and the two of you can make babies.

Angel stomps off. Spike shakes himself off and mutters.

SPIKE
Yeah, fine as long as they favor me. Wonder what ever happened to ol' green cheeks.

CUT TO:
INT: A tavern on Pylea. A disheveled Lorne stands near the bar, dressed in one of his trademark colorful suits, but it's now spattered with garbage. The tavern patrons are hurling tomatoes at him while they boo and heckle. He's too drunk to care as he goads them, using a banana-like fruit like a microphone.

LORNE
Thank, you! Thank you! What an audience! (tastes some tomato from his jacket) Hmnn, tomato! Now if someone throws a pork chop, I'll eat tonight!

A tomato hits him in the face.

CUT TO:

INT: The front door of the Hyperion. Wes looks wistfully out at the overcast sky - a light rain is falling.

Illyria comes up behind him.

ILLYRIA
I wish to speak with you. You seem distracted.

WES
Just enjoying the rain. Californians call this June Gloom.

ILLYRIA
Yes. You enjoy gloom.

Wes smiles at that.

WES
We all have our little peccadilloes.

ILLYRIA (puzzled)
You have a little what?

A mailman comes up to the door with a "special delivery" package.

MAILMAN
Anyone here named Wesley?

WES
That's me.

MAILMAN
Sign for this. It's for you.

CLOSE: On Wes's puzzled frown as he signs.

CLOSE: On the return address: Lilah Morgan c/o Wolfram and Hart.

ILLYRIA
Is this going to further distract you? Because we must speak I have felt a great trembling and desire to discover its cause.

Wes is distracted.

WES
Mnn. Sorry, Illyria. Letter from an old flame.

ILLYRIA (eyes narrow)
I know what an old flame is. I was not born in the last eon. (jealous pause) I thought Fred was your consort.

WES (a bit flattered, teasing her)
Illyria - are you jealous?

ILLYRIA (walks away)
You creatures are as insects to me. Your matings do not concern me.

Gunn comes running up the walkway.

GUNN
Wes! Gotta talk! Word on the street is something big is happening.

WES
When isn't something big happening. (tries to hide the package's address)

GUNN
Well, yeah, try the entire Wolfram and Hart building getting sucked into a portal. Big time energy exchange, the street demons are all rattled and runnin' for the hills. Wish Fred was here with her science widgets to take some readings. Does Illyria remember any science crap?

WES
'Fraid not. Her memories seem to be emotional rather than intellectual. Funny, Illyria just said something to me about feeling a great trembling.

CUT TO:
EXT: A Pylean village square, just outside the Inn.. Lorne's cousin Landok is dragging Lorne out of the Inn. On the surface, Lorne is Karaoke Lorne - cheerful and friendly, but sloppily drunk and out of control.

LORNE
Why'd you stop me? I'd have had the makings for a casserole in a few more minutes!

LANDOK
Be quiet, Krevlorneswath. You've been nothing but an embarrassment since you came home. It is a good thing your mother is not here to witness this shame.

LORNE (suddenly quiet)
She...she passed on?

LANDOK
No, she ran for her sister's abode when she heard you were in town. The two of them are sewing up a burlap shroud for you, in case you wish to honor them by jumping off a cliff.

LORNE
Ah, home and family. The sweet smell of green fields and social intolerance. (Pulls a cell phone out of his pocket) Have I ever shown you this?

LANDOK
Every twenty minutes since you came back.

LORNE (waves it around proudly)
This is an Object of Power, Landok! The key to love, acceptance, and accomplishment. Did I tell you I was a big cheese in the other dimension?

LANDOK
Endlessly.

Lorne punches a number into the cell phone

LORNE (drunkenly and cheerily into the phone)
J-Lo? J-Lo? It's Lorniekins, sweet buns. Hey, congrats on Numero Tres, third time's the charm!

A patron comes out of the bar, stares at Lorne. Landok returns the look, shrugs.

LANDOK (to the patron)
He's talking to his J-Lo again.

The patron snatches the cell phone out of Lorne's hand and yells at Lorne.

PYLEAN PATRON
Speak, fool! What magical creature does this summon? (listens to the earpiece, hears nothing) This is no object of power!

The patron throws the cell phone into a flowing drainage gutter, Lorne screams with horror as his cell phone is submerged in muck. He jumps up to retrieve it, but Landok holds him back, and the cell phone floats away with the sewage.

PATRON (to Lorne)
We would beat you, but it is not our way to torment the insane. Only the stupid. (walks away)

LORNE (wailing)
I should've paid the roaming charges.

LANDOK
Krevlorneswath, I do not wish to see you like this. I know you have a brave heart inside you. Why don't you come hunting with the clan males tomorrow?

LORNE
Oh, yeah, that's something I really want to do - kill something. Look, Landok, even if I wanted to join you, I can't. I can't see auras anymore. All of my empathic abilities are gone.

LANDOK
This is alarming. For a Pylean male, that is like being blind.

LORNE
Yes, well, you'd want to be blind too if you'd seen some of the things...look, enough of this. (looks around) Funny. I thought I left this place for a paradise. Silly me.

Lorne's brother Numfar comes out of the Inn - takes a look at Lorne, twitches a bit.

LORNE (to Numfar)
If you do the Dance of Anything, I'll break your legs.

Numfar goes back inside.

CUT TO:
INT: The Hyperion, Angel's office.

Athena is standing in Angel's office, looking around. Harmony enters with a clipboard.

HARMONY
Most of the hotel supplies are gone. Towels, blankets, those cute little soaps,...

ATHENA
It was looted while it was abandoned, of course. I'm surprised the furniture's still here.

The building suddenly shifts and shimmers - not like a quake, more like a dimensional shift. Athena looks very alarmed, even frightened. She runs out of the office, out of the building. The camera follows her to the alley where the 'dragon battle' occurred.

CUT TO:
Wes and Gunn, standing by the front door, see the same effects in the lobby, looking alarmed at each other. Harmony runs up to them.

In front of the building, Spike and Angel return from their Vinjis mission. They get out of their car, noticing the disturbance.

ANGEL (nervous)
The alley? (glances at Spike, they run for the alley)

GUNN (to Wes, as they come out the front door)
They aren't running for the alley, are they?

WES
'Fraid so. (takes off running)

GUNN (follows him)
I hate that damned alley.

CUT TO: Pylea, a cave. A large clear pool , not very deep, dominates the foreground. Behind the pool lies an ornate large wooden door, closed, slightly obscured by a waterfall. The camera gets closer and shows the door is decorated with the images of a wolf, ram and hart. It also shimmers as if affected by the same dimensional energy. Then it stops.

CUT TO: The alley behind the Hyperion. The gang has gathered there, but the strange activity has stopped. Athena looks particularly unnerved.

GUNN
Any dragons?

SPIKE
No dragons, Charlie-boy.

GUNN
Good. I hate dragons. (to Angel) Did I mention our old offices got sucked into a portal?

CUT TO: INT: A swank condo with a city view. Later that night.

Eve stands looking out the window. Her face and skin are covered with the same tattoos we saw on Lindsey. Her face is hardened with resolve. She walks over to a computer set up on a table, hits the mouse button and the screen shows "loading...", then Lindsey's face appears in an online video clip.

LINDSEY (on screen)
Hey, baby. It's still working out like we planned. You know what to do. I'll be waiting for you when you're done. You just get the books. I'll take care of the rest.

The video clip ends and the screen displays "erasing...". Eve's head drops sadly as she watches. She stands and walks to the hall closet, pulls out a hooded cape and puts it on. Picks up a leather shoulder bag, opens it.

CLOSE: On a gun inside the bag.

Eve slings the bag over her shoulder. He flats make a determined clicking sound as she crosses the wooden floor and exits the condo.

CUT TO: Later that night

INT: Wes's room. He's opened the package and is looking over the contents.

CLOSE: On one of the "blank books" from the W/H library. A handwritten note sits next to it, with some other occult looking "stuff". Wes opens the book and looks at a blank page.

WES
Personal and confidential memo from Lilah Morgan to the Senior Partners.

The page fills with text.

CUT TO:

INT: Angel's office. He opens a drawer, takes out a key. Goes to the wall, opens a safe behind a picture. Takes out a plastic bag.

CLOSE: On a bag of blood, marked "Los Angeles Regional Blood Bank; A+".

Angel trembles, then rips it open and drinks it sloppily, hungrily. His face vamps for a minute, then returns to "Angel" face, but with a scary, steely look that smacks of Angelus.

O.S. SPIKE
You think I couldn't smell it on you?

Angel whirls around, vamp face.

SPIKE
Just because you didn't get it the hard way, doesn't make it the same as pig's blood. So what's the story here? And please don't start smackin' me around, I'll still get it out of you. Even vampires with a soul can...

ANGEL
Okay. Fine. Busted. Want some?

SPIKE
I'll take a pass, thanks. You better hope Harmony doesn't smell it, she doesn't have my (pause) self-control.

ANGEL
I realized something. I lost my team in that hell dimension because I wasn't hard enough. I played hard ball, got to the Circle of the Black Thorne. But it cost me. It changed me.

SPIKE
Had to reach a little too deep into the Heart of Darkness. Fine. It's over now. (consolingly) Angel, you signed away the chance to become a human, not the humanity in your heart.

Angel vamps out and grabs Spike by the throat.

ANGEL
Think so?

SPIKE (gently)
I know so. You still have a soul.

ANGEL (unvamping)
Maybe it's not all about soul. Plenty of human monsters walking around with souls. And there's Harmony. She doesn't have a soul but she remembers her humanity. I think that's what I'm losing, Spike. I can't remember what it's like to be human. It's changing me. (pause) You asked if you should watch your back. (pause) Watch everybody's for me. (pause) Please.

CUT TO:
INT: The kitchen. Athena rummages around in a cabinet. Finds a half bottle of alcohol.
Takes a hit. Illyria comes up behind her, startles Athena so much she spits.

ILLYRIA
You humans enjoy poison.

(gets in Athena's face, cocks her head)

Except you aren't entirely human, are you. (pause) I feel I should know you. From somewhere. You're afraid of something. What?

ATHENA (blowing her off, walks away from her)
I'm afraid we're out of office supplies.

CUT TO:
Angel's office. Wes stands in the doorway, knocks, opens the door. The room is dark.

WES
Saving electricity? (no answer). We need to have a meeting. I think we may be taking a little road trip. Seems we aren't done dealing with the Senior Partners.

CUT TO:
INT: The library where Fred entered the portal to Pylea. The portal is reappearing.
Eve stands in front of it. She pulls her hood over her head and steps through.

V.O. WES
There's a portal on Pylea. In a cave. The only entrance in all possible dimensions to the Home Office of Wolfram and Hart. Corporate Headquarters, as it were.

EXT shot: The other side of the portal on Pylea. Eve steps through. The Inn is visible in the distance. Eve cannot be seen as a human under her cloak.

V.O.WES
Everything that controls their presence in other dimensions is contained there. Behind a door near a clear shallow pool, where waters of healing surround ...

CUT TO:

EXT: The Pylean Village Square where Landok and Lorne sit talking. Lorne is cleaned up and a bit more sober, and rather gloomier for it.

LANDOK
...the Touchstone. Surrounded by the Healing Waters of Empathy. You could restore your ability to read auras by taking a small drink. But you have to be careful not to take too much. Your empathy would become too great. You would feel empathy for even the grass you trod upon. (*smacks Lorne on the back with a "hail fellow" whack) Come, my cousin! When you are healed, you can hunt with us.

LORNE (softly, sadly)
Not so sure I wanna feel anymore, muchacho. Actually, I feel plenty these days. Shame. Remorse. Emptiness.

LANDOK
Well, of course you feel shame for failing your people.

LORNE
No, Landok. I did something. On the other side. Something that's eating me away inside. I killed a human.

LANDOK
You did what?

LORNE
I murdered a human. A defenseless unsuspecting human who had a chance at redemption. (voice breaks) There was no need to. But I did it. And I ...I still feel it. It's all I feel. That shot. I'm an empath demon and I felt ...(pause, tears start) I should have said no, but I didn't have the will anymore. I was so empty.

LANDOK
You killed a cow?

Lorne nods. Landok jumps to his feet with joy and shouts..

LANDOK
Hearken everyone! My cousin has finally become a man!!

CUT TO:
INT: The ruins of Caritas - now just an bombed out shell of a building.
Wes, Gunn, Illyria, Angel and Spike stand in front of where the stage used to be. A shimmering energy radiates around the stage area.

WES (fussing with some sort of science widget)
Well, it appears that every place in L.A. where a portal has opened is exhibiting unstable dimensional energy. From these readings, we should be able to go through and all enter the other side in the same place. No need for a car this time.

ANGEL
Gunn, you stay behind. Demons aren't gonna take the day off while we go to Pylea. (to Wes) You're sure about this?

WES
Eve is on her way to rendezvous with the Covenant of Trombli, to steal the books of the Wolf, Ram, and Hart. I believe she intends to finish Lindsey's mission of destroying the Senior Partners.

GUNN
Why? What would she gain from that? Game over, she should walk away.

WES
She may have quite a compelling reason to do this. (pause) Gunn, did you ever wonder if we were the only ones to walk away from that hell dimension with a "Get out of Dead" card?

SPIKE
So....what's this Pylea like, anyway? Resort hotels? Beautiful women?

Angel, Wes, Illyria and Spike step through the portal into a mucky farmyard where Lorne's mother is churning butter in a barrel. Spike materializes right in front of her. She takes one look at Spike and...

LORNE'S MOTHER
AUGGGGGHHHHH!!

She backs up from Spike, turns, sees Illyria, screams! AUGGHHH! Illyria cocks her head. Lorne's mother backs up from Illyria, turns, see Wes, grabs a straw broom, starts whacking Wes with it, screaming. Spike tries to intervene by reaching for the broom.

SPIKE
Hey, fella, knock it off.

Lorne's mum flattens Spike with a roundhouse punch. Wes takes the break from being "broomed" to recognize his attacker and smile.

WES
I believe that should be "ma'am", Spike.

SPIKE
Bloody hell if I'm gonna call that burly lout "ma'am"!

ANGEL (O.S. Camera hasn't shown him yet)
Hey, watch what you call Lorne's mother!

Wes and Spike turn to Angel, and it's their turn to shriek - YIKES!

Angel has the spiked "Angel Beast" face he displayed the last time he was on Pylea!

WES
Don't anyone move! That monster doesn't know friend from foe!

ANGEL (normal voice and demeanor)
Hey, that's a little harsh!

Lorne's mum sits down hard on a barrel and fans herself vigorously with her apron.

LORNE'S MOTHER
This is terrible! Terrible! First my Son The Failure returns home and now this!

ANGEL
Lorne's here? That's great! He can help us out!

Lorne's mum stands up and readies to whack Wes with a broom again. Wes gently takes it from her.

LORNE'S MOTHER (to Wes)
This is all your fault! (punches Wes in the stomach and sends him to his knees)

SPIKE
Blimey! This is Lorne's mum? (to Lorne's mum) But you look all (lightbulb!) ...lovely today. Lorne never said his mum was so....(can barely drag it out) beeeyyoooot'fullllll.

Lorne's mum crumbles against Spike's chest, sobbing into his shoulder. Wes and Angel snicker and Spike gives them the two-finger salute behind Lorne's mum's back.

SPIKE
There, there, mum. It really is all their fault, ain't it. (pause) What exactly did they do to this (painfully) dainty flower of a mum?

LORNE'S MOTHER (points at Wes)
That one! He started a revolution! Now I can't get any cow help - they're all freed! I have to do all my own work. (holds up her two hairy meaty hands) Look at my hands!

SPIKE
That's...that's terrible. (to Wes) Shame on you!

LORNE'S MOTHER (points to Illyria)
And you! You're that runaway cow that started it all! That disguise doesn't fool me!

Illyria cocks her head.

ILLYRIA
I am a monarch. A warrior. Entire dimensions tremble before me. I am not a (pause) cow.

LORNE'S MOTHER
See? That whole Empower The Cows movement has pumped their heads full of crazy ideas!

ANGEL
Did I hear you say Lorne was here?

Lorne's mother suddenly recognizes Angel's voice and reaches for the broom. Spike stops her with a gentle pat.

LORNE'S MOTHER
And that's the worst of it! My son is ruining the entire younger generation! He's been teaching them to sing degenerate cow songs!

ANGEL
Lorne's teaching the village kids songs? Ahhh, that's so Lorne. I can't wait to see him.

SPIKE (snarky)
Yeah, I'm sure he can't wait to see you too.
CUT TO:

INT: What looks like a medieval room, perhaps in a turret. Three hooded figures stand around. One pushes back his hood and we can tell from his facial tattoo that he's one of the Pylean priests - the Covenant of Trombli - that once ruled Pylea. He throws his hood completely off and his face reveals the mystical tattoos that hid Lindsey from the Senior Partners.

PRIEST (LUCAS)
What is it your poet says - the times they are a changing? Of course, songs and poems used to be forbidden here. Songs and poems inspire. They cause change. Now this place is lousy with song.

Another of the hooded figures throws his hood back - it's Lindsey!

LINDSEY
You can forbid whatever you want once you're back in power. You can make this place whatever you want. And you won't answer to the Wolf, Ram or Hart anymore.

LUCAS
I'd offer you something to refresh you, but I have no cow slaves anymore.

LINDSEY
Well, god forbid you should do anything yourself. Let me pour something for you.

LUCAS
You do not command your female to do it?

Lindsey walks up to another hooded figure, pulls off the hood to reveal Eve. Kisses her.

LINDSEY
My female has better things to do. Don't you, baby. (kisses her again) And all the time in the world to do it now. (holds her close, caresses her hair. She melts against him.)

EVE (to Lindsey)
I thought I'd never see you again.

LINDSEY
Yeah. Guess Angel didn't figure out that not only the good guys swapped realities when they "died" in that hell dimension. As for you - now that Hamilton's destroyed, the immortality he took from you....

EVE
Won't pass back to me until the contract is burned. You'll do that for me, right, baby?

LINDSEY (kisses her)
I promised you, didn't I? (to Lucas) You priests do your part - deliver the books to us. And Pylea will just be the first of the dimensions I'll give you.

Lucas bows and departs.

LINDSEY (to Eve)
What a chump. I swear, I can play these guys like a Gretch guitar.

EVE (a little suspicious)
Am I a chump too, baby? (breaks away) Have you been playing me all this time to get to the Senior Partners?

LINDSEY
That stings, girlfriend. You and I want the same thing. Same thing these guys want. Same thing a lot of wage slaves at W/H wanted - just to stop dancing on their puppet strings. I want to see 'em ground into the dirt. Angel may think the Wolf, Ram, and Hart is history, but that's only in their dimension. I'm gonna take 'em down.

EVE
And then what, Lindsey? What's next on your list?

LINDSEY
You have to ask?

CUT TO:
EXT: Lorne's mum's farmhouse. The gang are sitting around a rough table as Lorne's mum serves them mead and fresh bread and butter. She pauses occasionally to give Spike a sweet flirtatious smile - she's obviously quite taken and he returns a pained smile. Illyria is standing in front of a tree, observing it closely as if listening to it. Wes pulls Angel aside.

WES (to Angel)
I was quite concerned when your face changed to the Angel Beast - but you seem in control.

ANGEL
I learned to control it last time - I had to, or I would've killed Fred and Groo. But why I look like this, I don't know.

WES
Perhaps there's no split in your demon and human sides now - they're blended. You've externalized it here. How are you feeling? Any, uh, beastly impulses?

ANGEL (quiet)
Wes. I need to tell you something. I'm not sure about this, it's just something I feel. When I had to reach down inside myself to deceive the Circle of the Black Thorne - and all of you - I felt like Angelus. Not so much his evil, but his pure vampire nature - I had to cut off the humanity inside me to do what I had to do. But now I can't shake it off. I can't reach the other part of myself anymore, the humanity.

WES
So your true face now is a demon's face. But you can control the demon within you. If what you say is true, if Angel and Angelus are blended then you don't have to worry anymore about losing your soul.

ANGEL
It's not about control, Wes. (pause) You don't have to lose your soul to lose your soul.

O.S. LANDOK
It will make her feel better and it's on our way.

O.S. LORNE
You're just doing this to torture me, aren't you.

Lorne and Landok come into view - Lorne stops cold as he sees his former teammates gathered around mum's table, and his face freezes when he spots Angel.

ANGEL (awkward)
Hey. Lorne.

LORNE (bitter tone)
Angelcakes.

CUT TO:
INT: The castle turret. Lindsey smiles and runs his hand over a skin-bound book, emblazoned with the Wolf, Ram and Hart, as Eve stands near him.

LINDSEY
The Wolf, Ram, and the Hart. Ancient pre-pagan symbols of power. The Wolf representing the power of violence and predation. The Ram representing the use of force and persistence. And the Hart...

EVE
What does the Hart represent?

LINDSEY
The use of grace. Without it, power is only force and tyranny. The other books contain the secrets of domination, but this book holds the secrets of the universe.

EVE
Lorne's guide showed him that book when Lilah brought Angel's team into Wolfram and Hart. He even mentioned something about balance and the secrets of the universe to Fred.

LINDSEY
Yeah. It's all about balance. The Senior Partners corrupted the use of power by binding these books in the skins of those ancient pagan totems - the Wolf, Ram and Hart. They took on that persona, even modernized it into Wolfram and Hart. Wolfram and Hart is just a mask the Senior Partners use to get everyone to do their dirty work for them.

EVE
I don't understand. Will destroying these books destroy the source of evil?

LINDSEY (laughing)
Baby, the irony is that Wolfram and Hart actually controlled evil by running it. Destroy the books and there's no balance. Good and evil will blend. Without humanity, it's just about getting what you want.

We still need the other two books. They're in the Home Office, but Lucas can get us in there. We destroy the books and the dimension of the Senior Partners will fall into chaos, they'll eat each other alive.

EVE
But what about Pylea? The chaos will spill into Pylea.

LINDSEY
Screw Pylea.

CUT TO:
EXT: Lorne's mom's farmhouse. Angel and Lorne have separated from the group to talk privately, sitting under a tree. Angel still has his "Angel Beast" face on, but acts normally, and Lorne takes the oddness for granted.

ANGEL
I'm surprised you came here, seeing how you hate it so much. I expected you to get your bearings and start over. Open Caritas again.

LORNE (derisive snort)
Yeah. That's always worked so well. Some things you can't start over from, sweet cheeks. Murdering an unarmed redeemable person's one of them.

ANGEL
Oh, that's what this is about. So you think I did what, stain your purity? You think you're morally elevated above the rest of the team?

LORNE
Listen, Broodybuns, I'm not Saint Lorne. I've done my share of compromising with evil. But I always deeply believed something. I believed that force wasn't the only way to work against evil. That maybe, just maybe, you can win the evil over to your side, or help them to see reason. I don't think that's naïve, I think it's hopeful. I think even the worst of us can be redeemed.

I knew Lindsey would always be on the fence. But there was a time his humanity still spoke to him. He left Wolfram and Hart to find that humanity, and I don't know why he didn't, but we asked him to trust us and we betrayed that trust. It wasn't like fooling Vail, making him think we were on his side. We asked Lindsey to be on ours, and he agreed.

ANGEL
You read him. You knew what he was capable of.

LORNE
I know what we're all capable of. Even myself. But I don't read futures, Angel, I read destinies. Destiny is what we're capable of, and it's always changeable. But it's best directed by our hearts.

ANGEL
Do you know how self-righteous you sound right now? I asked you to get off your high horse and stop running away from battles and do one little thing.

LORNE
Angel, I did what you asked me to, even though I wasn't sure I could trust you. I did it even though I believed it was the wrong thing to do, but I'd become too tired to play your conscience anymore. And I did it because I love you.

But you took something away I can't replace, Angel. You took away the very thing that makes me myself. I can forgive you, but I'll never be the same again. (pause) Are you even listening to me? Do you care about me at all? Or am I just a tool to get you what you want? (no answer) Times up, wrong answer. (stands) Please, Angel. Whatever this is, please leave me out of it. (gives a sad smile to Wes) Glad to see you made it. I'll miss all of you. (walks away)

SPIKE
Where's he headed?

LANDOK
To the Touchstone, in the Waters of Empathy. So he can be one of his people again. (walks away)

WES
He's going exactly where we want to be. The portal entrance to the Home Office, behind the Touchstone.

ANGEL
So we follow him there. He's still one of us, he'd understand.

SPIKE
Y'know, Angel, I've always disliked you. But now I can dislike you for whole new reasons. Lorne just wants space to heal, let him be.

ANGEL
If he doesn't want to help us, fine. But we have a job to do.

SPIKE
Blimey, you just don't get it. Fine, let's follow him.

DISSOLVE:

EXT: A cave entrance.
Lorne and Landok stand outside of it.

LANDOK
This is where I must leave you, cousin. Tradition says this must be done alone.

LORNE (warmly)
Thanks, Landok.

Lorne turns to hug his cousin, who backs up.

LANDOK
You aren't going to hug me, are you?

LORNE (adopting a deep "manly" voice, slaps his cousin on the back "man" style)
Nay, cousin. When I return from this trial, I shall be a new Pylean and make you proud.

Landok likes this response and gives Lorne a hearty back-slapping, and walks away.

LORNE (under his breath)
Don't trip over my old cronies on your way out. (takes a deep sigh and enters the cave)

INT: The cave. A waterfall obscures the door to the Home Office. The pool dominates the foreground. A moss-covered rock protrudes about an arm's length into the pool.

Lorne gets on his knees awkwardly, putting one hand on the stone, the other in the water - it throws his balance off a bit.

LORNE
Okay, now - I'm supposed to touch the Touchstone while I drink the water from a cupped hand. I shoulda kept up the yoga.

Suddenly Angel bursts in, Spike right behind him ,and Wes and Illyria behind Spike.

SPIKE (to Angel, angry)
Bloody hell, you couldn't even let him finish?

ANGEL
Lorne, look, I'm sorry, we need your help. This is important.

LORNE
Uh, Angelcakes, kinda busy here.

Wes looks around.

WES
The door's behind the waterfall.

ANGEL (getting ready to walk through the water)
Let's go.

Lorne jumps up horrified.

LORNE
Don't step in the water!! It has to remain pure!

Lorne steps in front of Angel but Angel's momentum carries him forward and knocks Lorne into the water. Lorne is momentarily submerged and comes up sputtering, swallowing water. Spike angrily grabs Angel's arm.

SPIKE
Stop it, Angel. If you could see yourself...!

ANGEL
This is important, Spike.

SPIKE
Yes, it is. But not enough that you have to hurt your friends getting there.

Illyria reaches forward and helps Lorne out of the water. Lorne seems to be in pain and confusion as he drops to his knees.

LORNE
Stop it, all of you.

ANGEL
Oh, excuse me, buttercup, I forgot how sensitive you are.

Lorne puts his hands to his ears and closes his eyes.

LORNE
No, I mean stop thinking those loud thoughts. And stop glowing, your auras are killing my eyes! (puts his hand on some moss, then snatches it away) Oh, the poor moss!

ILLYRIA
Are you hearing the song of the green?

LORNE
More like the screams of the green! (screams) STOP BEATING ME UP WITH YOUR FEELINGS! (to Illyria) I can't walk on the grass anymore. I'll hurt it!

WES
It's the Waters of Empathy.

SPIKE
Talk about 'I feel your pain'.

WES
It'll wear off quickly. Illyria, stay with Lorne. Angel, - if you can control yourself long enough - let's go visit the Home Office. Go around, there's a path. No need to step in the water.

Angel starts toward the water. Wes grabs his arm.

WES
Not everything is about what you want, Angel. Stop this. (looks at Angel's beastie face) You're becoming a monster.

Angel stops cold, looks at Wes. Suddenly his beastie face changes to Angel's human face.

ANGEL
I'm sorry. (kneels next to Lorne) You gonna be okay, Lorne?

ILLYRIA (to Angel)
You waste time. I will watch over your demon clown.

Angel gets up slowly, walks the path winding around the pool and behind the waterfall.

CUT TO:
INT: The other side of the door. Looks quite similar to the old W/H lobby. Lilah stands there. Wes smiles at her.

WES
Why are you helping us, Lilah?

LILAH
Because the Senior Partners sign my checks and I really don't want to job hunt in this economy. (gestures around) I work here now, in the Home Office. It beats the hell out of hell. Angel, I see that little Ultimate Battle didn't get you down. Nice job. Hey, don't glare at me, I had nothing to do with it.

ANGEL
The Senior Partners sent everything they had against us. Why shouldn't I return the favor?

LILAH
You will. Someday. And they know it. But today is not that day. For them or for you.
(to Wes) Those books can't leave the dimension. If they do, your little dragon battle will look like a walk in the park. Get the other one back for us, Wes. And hey, I'm sorry about Fred.

Wes smiles. Lilah kisses him on the cheek. The feeling is almost of old friends.

LILAH
It always meant something to me that you never asked me to explain myself.

WES
Same here.

CUT TO:
INT: The cave. Illyria holds Lorne as he tries to recover his senses.

LORNE (brave smile)
Feeling better already, bluebird.

ILLYRIA
How you were feeling - that is how Old Ones feel. Part of our power. We hear the song of the green, feel the heat of the life force as it glows from the live things. We contained all which could be known and felt. We had great savagery but we also had that.

LONRE
Were you ever gentle? Or kind?

ILLYRIA
I am only beginning to understand human feelings. They are different from sensations.

Suddenly Illyria spasms in pain. The camera pulls back to reveal Lindsey holding a stun gun. Illyria falls unconscious.

LINDSEY
Think she felt that?

Lorne stares at Lindsey in shock. He pulls Illyria towards himself to protect her.

LORNE
What...how...

Eve steps forward, pointing the gun she brought in her bag at Lorne.

LINDSEY
Payback's a bitch. In this case, my bitch. Man, am I gonna love this.

EVE (to Lorne)
Is it true? Did you kill Lindsey?

LORNE
Yes, I did, Eve. (to Lindsey) So, I'm guessing you want to return the favor. Will that do anything for you, Lindsey? Your destiny is still open, you don't have to choose this. You could go away with Eve, she loves you.

LINDSEY
You know, I'd love to shoot out your kneecaps and watch you bleed to death, but I'm on a schedule. Eve, kill him.

EVE (hesitates)
Why, Lindsey?

LINDSEY
He killed me. Remember??

EVE
But he didn't. You're here. There's no reason to. You can't ask me to kill someone out of love for you.

LINDSEY
I should've guessed you'd choke when I needed you. Give me the gun, I'll do it.

EVE
I thought you wanted to destroy the Senior Partners to destroy their evil. But that's not what you want at all. You want revenge against the entire universe because you can't decide what you want. You're all screwed up, Lindsey. (pause) You did use me. I didn't want to believe it because I loved you so much.

LINDSEY
Wow. Eve gets a clue. I guess there'd be hope for you, if I wasn't going to shoot you too.

Angel steps through the portal with Wes.

ANGEL
Why am I not surprised. (seeing Illyria and Lorne)
Did you hurt them?

LINDSEY
Not yet, it's a work-in-progress.

ILLYRIA (coming to, to Angel)
Your demon clown is feeling better.

LORNE (to Illyria)
Speaking of empathy, I'd prefer 'charismatic green superstar' to 'demon clown'.

ILLYRIA
He is recovering. He makes jests. Which is what clowns do.

LINDSEY
So, Angel. No words of welcome?

ANGEL
Just one. Walk. Start walking. Trust me, I'm not doing this for you. I'd love nothing more than to waste you right now. If you do evil, I'll stop you. But today I don't kill you. Be smart. Walk.

Lindsey's smug grin slowly fades.

LINDSEY
You want to know what happened after I drove off in that truck, don't you. I wanted answers. Went all the way to Tibet. Asked the holy man to explain to me which was greater, humanity or power. The holy man asked if I wanted to sell my soul. I told him that would be the easy way - if I chose evil, I wanted to choose it with my eyes open. I gained demon powers but kept my soul. That's how I got out - like Wes and Gunn. Second chance to kick your ass.

LORNE
The truth is, Lindsey, you don't know what you want. Evil, good, the grass will always be greener on the other side for you. That much I could tell when I read you. Do what Angel says. Walk away.

LINDSEY (to Angel)
There'll be another time.

ANGEL
I'm counting on it. (Lindsey exits)

WES (to Eve)
You have something with you, I believe.

Eve reaches into her back and produces the book.

WES
Take it back to the Home Office. Lilah's expecting you.

EVE
You trust me?

WES
Of course not. But you are honorable - in your way. Like someone else I once knew.

Eve gives everyone a last look, then goes through the portal door into the Home Office.

Lorne staggers to his feet as Spike helps Illyria up.

LORNE (to Angel)
Why do I always wind up with a headbanger when you're around?

ANGEL (offers an arm for Lorne to lean on)
Lack of Seabreezes?

CUT TO:
INT: The Pylean Inn

The crowd is cheery and friendly. Angel, Wes, and Illyria sit at a table with Lorne's mum. Lorne is playing host at the front.

Landok walks up to Lorne and hands him a tankard.

LANDOK
I have tried to make the SeaWind as you instructed.

LORNE (takes a sip, grimaces)
Mnn. Molderberries standing in for cranberry juice. Tart but disgusting. (smiles) Thanks, cous. Where's my backup singers?

A group of kids runs up to the stage and take "backup singer" poses. One of the kids drags Numfar forward.

LORNE
Do you remember the new dance I taught you?

Numfar, straight-faced, does the Macarena.

LORNE (to his "backup singers")
Okay, kids, from the top.

Lorne's mother leans forward and whispers to Wes.

LORNE'S MOTHER
What does that mean - "voulez vou coucher avec moi?"

WES (trying to keep a straight face)
It's a magical incantation. It means, uh, 'May I be welcomed in the bosom of my people'.

Spike comes to the table, taps "Mom" on the shoulder.

SPIKE
C'mon, mum, whaddaya say we shake that big hairy boo-tay on the dance floor?

Lorne's mom looks scandalized but goes with Spike.

ILLLYIA (to Angel)
Your demon clown is not coming back with us?

ANGEL (smiles)
He doesn't need to.

Camera pans across the "stage" area where Lorne sings with the kids while Numfar leads the locals in a Mararena.

DISSOLVE.

END

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Veggieburger.
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