Work Text:
I Don't
by Diana Michelle
//Stop being an idiot.//
"You're a good person and a good boyfriend and... and I'm in love with you." Anya said earnestly to Xander as she snuggled closer to him. She looked up at his still face before telling him firmly, "Whatever they think of you, it shouldn't matter."
"Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't matter." Xander said softly, knowing it was a lie. He let Anya rest against him as his thoughts raced back to his fight with Buffy. Had his continuing friendship with Buffy been merely sympathy on her part? Did she still need him? Had she ever really needed him?
Maybe all he ever did was get into trouble, get into situations Buffy would have to fix. God, had he ever done anything? But he had, he had saved her life once.
//Xander, did I ever thank you for saving my life? Don't you wish I would?//
He could still remember every moment as if the day had been burned into his soul, the numbing horror that had swept over him at the sight of her motionless body. The faint thread of hope that appeared as he tried to save her. He could remember the way Buffy's lips had tasted and how soft they had been as he had desperately breathed into her. The clean vanilla scent that had to be her shampoo. The pure, beautiful relief that had surged into him when she finally opened her gorgeous green-blue eyes and whispered his name, in that voice that made him fall in love with her all over again.
//You are totally, and completely one of the girls.//
Xander shut his eyes against the pain and the memories. Her eyes, eyes that could be that deep mysterious blue or the light questioning green or any shade in between, but eyes that always, always made him think of water, of the ocean he only rarely saw. He smiled slightly, more out of pain than anything else. After Buffy had arrived, it had been enough just to see the water in her expressive eyes. Eyes that could never truly hid the pain and sorrow she carried inside, the burning guilt over deaths she couldn't stop and the aching pain over losing a love she wasn't allowed to have. //I have to wonder sometimes, if anyone sees the same pain in my eyes.//
//Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you.//
He sighed, dismissing his thoughts, trying to concentrate on the beautiful girl wrapped around him. He lowered his arm, pulled her closer. //I should love her, should feel the same way she does. She deserves it. But you can't force yourself to love someone and you can't make someone love you. I've gotten so good at pretending, I doubt anyone realizes that I never stopped loving...// He forced his thoughts to return to Anya, searching for a memory to distract him from the words repeating over and over in his head.
//I'm afraid they're right.//
The day we went to that Carnival. She had never experienced that before, the rides that made you feel like you would throw up the food that you eventually felt sorry about eating. Her favorite part had been the cotton candy. Anya had been so impressed with pure sugar spun into a light, colorful candy that she had smiled joyfully and begged him to get her some. She had... but it was no use, no matter how hard he tried, the words kept running through his mind, words that told him he wasn't good enough, never had been.
//Don't you feel pathetic?//
Anya deserved to be loved, she deserved someone who wanted her as much as she wanted him. //So, why don't I tell her that, am I really that selfish?//
//You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.//
//Yes, I am. Because Anya is all I have left.// He lifted his hand, stroked Anya's hair, closed his eyes, and gave up, just embraced the words echoing in his soul. //At least with Anya, I can be this, passive and sad. I don't have to be funny or smart or any of the other things I'm not.//
//If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on.//
The phone rang. He felt Anya get up, heard her pick up the phone.
"Xander's basement." She took in a sharp breath, Xander opened his eyes. She looked at him, holding the phone toward him, unsure of what to do. "It's Buffy."
//Either you feel a thing or you don't. I don't.//
The End