SquidgeWorld Archive

claustrophobia: (n) a fear of confined spaces.

~*~

Let me regale you with a list of the dumbest things I've ever done:

1. My freshman year of high school, scrawny, geeky, and desperate to get popular, I eagerly agreed to a 'fun night out' with the varsity football team. What I didn't realize was that this was a yearly tradition that involved the team having a fun night out while the freshman rode around in the trunk.

2. My first year of college, scrawny, geeky and desperate to get drunk, I let Turk talk me into a night of bad kung fu flicks and root beer schnapps floats.

3. My first year out of med. school, scrawny, geeky and desperate to get laid, I slept with Jordan Sullivan.

~*~

I had to hand it to Jordan: in thirty seconds she'd bulldozed a camaraderie that we'd needed a year to build. I didn't worry too much about Carla and Turk, or even Carla and Dr. Cox. Those relationships were more than strong enough to eventually recover from even Jordan's vitriol.

My relationship with Dr. Cox was another matter altogether.

I kept seeing the look in his eyes after Jordan dropped her lovely bombshells on us, before his big, angry, chair-tipping exit, and the look was freaking me out. I understood anger, and I understood jealousy. Sort of. Because the jealousy I'd seen didn't feel like it was because I'd slept with her. It felt like it was because she'd slept with me. But that couldn't be right.

Could it?

"Sure he's hot for you!" Turk had a wild look in his eyes again. "He got a taste of your sweet, sweet lips, and now he's got to have ya!"

"He got no taste of - and what the hell do you know about the sweetness of my lips?"

Turk shrugged. "I know what I saw."

I whacked the side of his head. "You have to learn the difference between the fantasy scenes and real life."

"That didn't happen?" Turk's face fell.

"No."

"But it was so hot!"

Isn't it nice to know you can count on your best friend for...absolutely nothing?

Option 2: Elliot.

Jordan had been wrong about one thing. Elliot and I had discussed her feelings for me. Turned out she didn't have any, just some residual break-up resentment. So I wasn't worried about talking to her right now. If I could find her.

She turned up in a stairwell, eating vanilla pudding.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I sat down next to her.

"Eating pudding."

"In the stairwell?"

"Yes. Why not? It's a free country. It's a big hospital. My pudding is not infringing on your rights; I should be allowed to eat pudding anywhere I want to."

I patted her hand. "Hiding from Dr. Kelso?"

"Hell, yeah."

"So, listen: I'm worried about Dr. Cox."

Elliot nodded sympathetically. "Worried you've screwed your chances with him."

At that moment, I probably looked like a google-eyed fish. There are google-eyed fish, aren't there?

Elliot laughed. "Come on, J.D. It's obvious you want him. And he's clearly been channeling his sexual desire for you into ridicule and hostility. It's classic reaction formation."

I stared at her. "You were this close to going into psychiatry, weren't you?"

"You should talk to him."

"Sure. 'Dr. Cox, do you want my body?' I'll get right on that."

"Fine. Don't talk to him." She swirled her pudding with her finger.

"That's disgusting." She pulled her finger out of the pudding and stuck it in her mouth, sucking slowly. "But that is really hot."

"What?"

I blinked. Okay, apparently she hadn't actually been sucking on her finger. "Uh, nothing. You and I are good, right?"

"Absolutely."

"You're still not in love with me?"

"Definitely not."

"Not to say that I'm unlovable-"

"J.D.! It's okay. You're loveable."

"Damned straight I am."

"Just not by me."

"Right." We sat together in the narrow stairwell while Elliot ate her pudding. "That was some show, though, huh?"

Elliot snorted. "Like the obverse of It's a Wonderful Life."

~*~

Darkness. A flame the size of a hand appears. "Jordan?"

Another, smaller flame appears beside the first. "Yes, Lord Mephistopheles?"

"The time has come for you to earn your horns. I am sending you to Earth. Watch carefully. This is Sacred Heart Hospital. This is Perry, Christopher, Bob, Carla, Elliot, and J.D."

"They look so happy."

"Exactly. This is your task, Jordan. Ruin their lives, make them wish they had never been born, and you will earn your horns."

"Thank you, Lord Mephistopheles. I will not fail you."

~*~

"Every time a chair falls, a devil earns her horns."

Elliot smiled. "Look, J.D.; talk to Cox, don't talk to Cox, whatever. Just don't come crying to me when he keeps sleeping with Jordan."

"He wouldn't! Not after today. Would he?"

"Maybe." Elliot shrugged.

"Would you care?"

"No." She blushed.

I leaned closer. "That doesn't look like an 'I don't care' blush."

"It's stupid. It's crazy." I nudged her shoulder. With a sigh, she confessed, "I know it's insane, after what she did to us today, but I'm kind of...I kind of have a thing for Jordan."

~*~

Jordan and Elliot come together heatedly across Elliot's bedroom, breasts heaving, and engage in a passionate kiss, tongues dueling, hands sliding across flesh-

~*~

"J.D.? J.D.!"

I blinked. "Huh?"

She slugged me. "Pervert."

I made my decision. "I'm going to talk to Dr. Cox." I ran out of the stairwell, then popped my head back in. "Hey, Elliot?"

She smiled knowingly. "Yes, J.D.?"

"Can I have some of your pudding?"

Elliot slammed the door on me. I guess that was a no.

~*~

I lean on the doorframe of the staff lounge, hands in my pockets, James Bond style. "So, Perry, I hear you're attracted to me."

Perry puts down his JAMA and leaps to his feet. "Where do you hear that?"

I shrug. "Around." I cross the room and sweep him into my arms, bending him backwards. The violin music in the background swells to deafening levels.

Right before I capture his lips in a searing kiss, he whispers, "That 'around' must have some damned good sources."

~*~

Yeah right. Like that was gonna happen.

It was all well and good for Turk and Elliot to say Dr. Cox was interested in me, but I'd never seen him show any sign that he even swung that way. I had to talk to someone who'd known him longer than any of the residents had. Carla, right? But after Jordan's revelations, the last thing I wanted to do was mention Dr. Cox's name anywhere near Carla.

"Don't you mention that asshole's name around me!"

"Jeez, Carla! I didn't say it!"

"You were thinking it. I heard you."

So unless I wanted to discuss Dr. Cox's sex life with Dr. Kelso - yech - I only had one choice left.

The crazy janitor.

After a couple of stops to fantasize some more about Elliot and Jordan, I was standing in front of the janitor's closet.

Hoo-boy.

Raising my hand to knock, I found myself suddenly yanked inside, the door slammed and locked behind me.

"Well, well, well." The crazy janitor stood in front of me, arms crossed, looking...well...crazy. "I knew this day was coming."

I blinked at him. "Thursday?"

Scowling, he uncrossed his arms and started randomly rearranging bottles of cleaning solutions. "It's not enough that you make my every moment hell when we pass in the halls. Now you have to invade my own personal, private space, my sanctum, and bother me here, too."

"Listen, I just need-"

"You barge in here-"

"Hey, you pulled me!"

"-and start making your little demands."

"You have no idea why I'm here."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "You do have demands, don't you?"

"Well..." I looked at my feet. "Kind of. Yeah."

He snorted. I started to notice how small this closet was and edged towards the door. He whirled and pointed at the door. "Don't move!" I didn't move. "What do you want?"

"You've been here a long time, right?"

The arms crossed again. "Longer than some. Longer than a lot will be."

Ouch. That hurt, a little. "You know the people who work here pretty well."

"Better than they know me." That one was all for me. "What do you want to know?"

"It's about Dr. Cox."

"Ah." He nodded. "So Dr. Dorian has finally realized he's in love with Dr. Cox, and he wants to know if he stands a chance."

"I'm not-" I snorted. "I'm not in love with Dr. Cox."

"Uh-huh. Tell it to the mops, newbie."

"I'm a resident now. You can't call me newbie anymore."

He leered. "Oh, yeah? You gonna do something about it, newbie?"

I swallowed nervously. "Uh...no?" He rolled his eyes. "Can you help me with Dr. Cox or not?"

"That's pretty personal information about tenured hospital staff for me to be sharing with a man who doesn't even know my name."

My eyes narrowed. "I don't think you have a name."

That got a sharp laugh out of him, but he instantly grew serious again. "You don't want anything to do with that spineless prick."

My eyes could've doubled as soup bowls in the cafeteria. "Excuse me?"

"Dr. Cox is a wuss who willingly surrendered the love of his life to save his lousy career. He's bad news."

I leaned against the door. "Jordan?"

"Listen to me carefully, newbie." He tapped my forehead. I tried to get away, but my back was to the door. "Love of his life. Who chooses Jordan Sullivan as the love of their life? Especially when they have...better Sullivans around."

Better...holy shit. "Ben?"

The crazy janitor picked up a mop and bucket and shouldered past me, unlocking and opening the door. "You didn't hear it from me." The door clanked shut behind him.

Dr. Cox and Ben Sullivan. Jordan and Elliot. Everything I thought I knew about the relationships at Sacred Heart had been knocked for a great big ol' loop.

And when I turned the doorknob, I realized I was locked in the janitor's closet.

~*~

A guy with curly blond hair directed me to a small shed in the back yard of Ben Sullivan's house. His 'workshop,' the guy said. Considering I'd first met Ben when he came in with a board nailed to his hand, I can't be blamed for visions of a room full of severed body parts and spurting blood. Which is why I was kind of confused when I walked in. The room was clean, well-organized, and surprisingly blood-free.

Ben looked up from the table where he was working with a large and really scary-looking saw. "J.D.!" he yelled happily, and I ducked a small piece of wood that made a bee-line for my head. "Sorry about that." Ben turned off the saw and took off his safety goggles, wiping sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Then he grinned, the big, stupid Ben-grin we'd come to know so well. "You found me."

I gestured towards the house. "Your, uh--" I had no idea what house-guy's name was. "He said you were back here."

Ben dropped his goggles on a table and poured a glass of water from a pitcher of water that was sitting there. "Stephen." He held up the pitcher. "Want some?"

"Sure." Ben poured the water, and I accepted the glass with a thank-you.

"What's going on?" Ben sat on a bench and motioned for me to join him, which I did. "Am I out of remission?"

"Jesus, Ben!" I spluttered. "Don't joke about that. It's not funny."

He shrugged. "I thought it was funny. And it's my cancer, so if I think it's funny, then chances are it's funny. You don't think it's funny because you have no sense of humor."

"I have a great sense of humor."

"When I came in with that board nailed into my hand, you didn't even smile. You passed out."

"You had a board nailed into your hand. How is that funny?"

He shook his head. "That's the problem with you kids. No understanding of great comedy. What's on your mind?"

I looked down into my glass. How exactly did you ask a guy you only knew passably well if he'd been involved with your boss - who you now wanted to be involved with? "I have to ask you a personal question. About Dr. Cox."

Ben took a long drink of water and then set down his glass. "Oh, great. What's he done now?"

I laughed and took a sip of water. "Not him. Me."

He took one look at my face and just knew. "You went and fell for Perry, didn't you?" He shook his head. "You are such a doofus."

My head dropped. "That'd be me."

He slugged my shoulder. "You could've had Elliot and you fell for Perry!"

"Yes. Okay, let us now marvel at the idiocy of John Dorian."

"Sounds good to me." Ben stood and paced the small shed. "Here's some advice for you. Stay away from Perry. We were together for six years. Six years is a lot of Valentine's Days. You never think you're going to be the kind of guy who buys another guy long-stemmed red roses, and then suddenly there you are, buying them - six Valentine's Days' worth." Ben was looking kind of explodey. "And after all of that, he dumped me. He had the chance for some big stupid promotion at the hospital. But he was afraid he'd lose it if I was a part of his life. Next thing I knew, poof. I wasn't a part of his life anymore, and suddenly, he was dating my sister. Out with the old Sullivan, in with the bitch. Didn't even buy me kiss-off flowers, the lousy cheapskate."

Ben had finally run out of steam. Ignoring the glass on the table, he picked up the pitcher and drank all the water in it at one go. It was impressive. When he put it down, he looked at me with a little frown. I met his eyes squarely.

It became a stare-down. The theme from High Noon played in the background.

I blinked.

Ben sighed. "You're going to do it anyway."

"Yeah. Probably."

Leaning down, he picked up a board lying on the ground and held it out to me. "Here. If you're going to do it, you should hit yourself in the head with this board." Again, the soup-bowl eyes. He waved the board. "I mean it. Hit yourself in the head with it. So you know what a relationship with Perry is going to feel like."

I set my glass on the table and walked out of the shed. Stephen was pruning bushes outside the house, and I nodded to him as I passed. The last thing I heard on the way to my car was Ben, back at the shed, yelling, "You're still a doofus!"

~*~

Here's the recap, in case you feel asleep somewhere in the middle of all of this:

I am interested in Perry Cox. There are indications that he is interested in me. There are other indications that he is a spineless coward when it comes to relationships. He is my immediate supervisor and a good fifteen years my senior. He is also a raving asshole.

Yup. I feel good about this.

~*~

When Dr. Cox opens the door, he has that 'can't you see I'm busy?' look plastered to his face. Until he sees it's me. Then it's time for the 'why in hell haven't you been transferred to Mongolia yet?' look. He grips the door so hard the wood creaks. "Dr. Dorian."

Damn. I've known I'm not on Dr. Cox's top ten favorite people list, but until he stands there and calls me by name, I haven't realized how bad things have gotten. So I do the only thing I can - I step into his living room, grab his face in my hands, and introduce his tonsils to my tongue.

~*~

That's what happened in my head, anyway.

In reality, he was still standing there, gripping the door and glaring at me.

"May I come in?"

Snorting, he stepped aside. "Go ahead, but Jordan's not here for you to sleep with again, if that's what you're looking for."

"That isn't why--"

"Golly, Doreen, I could stand here and listen to you whine for, oh, seconds, but, oh yeah, right now I hate your guts. So unless you have something of life-or-death importance to say to me, get out." I didn't move, and Dr. Cox, with a heavy sigh, moved fractionally - almost unnoticeably - closer. Every nerve in my body jumped to attention. "I won't always hate you," he said, his voice as gentle as it ever got. "But you have to give me more than four hours."

So I should've gone. He'd given me hope for the future - at least for my job, if not for our relationship - and I should've contented myself with that.

But, as Ben was nice enough to point out, I'm a doofus.

"I didn't know she was your ex-wife when I slept with her. I, I, I hardly knew her at all! Just her name - and just barely that. I kept calling her Gordon."

He glared at me. which really wasn't that big a change from his previous, softer expression. "Overkill, newbie."

"Right." I nodded vigorously. "Sorry." Then I added, quietly, "I'm really, really sorry."

"For having a sex life?" His laugh was so faked I imagined it being recorded in a studio somewhere in Hollywood. "You're young, horny, and stupid. Go with that."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I insisted.

"I made my own bed." He stared at me, but I couldn't read his eyes. "Now I'm sure as hell lying in it."

There was a...a nonchalance? No - a resignation in his voice at that moment that I think I'd been feeling at the moment I fell into bed with Jordan. It was like he and I both believed we'd collectively blown things so badly with each other that there was no chance for us. Somehow, dumb as it sounds, that complete and utter despair brought me hope. "I talked to Ben today."

He snapped as though I'd kicked his shins. "My Ben?" I nodded. With a shudder, Dr. Cox crossed to the bar, poured himself a very large amount a something I was betting wasn't iced tea, chugged it, and poured another. "What did he tell you?"

"To hit myself in the head with a board."

"Oh, God." Second drink gone. "He said the same thing to Jordan on our wedding day." He rubbed at his face with his free hand. "God, I was such a shit to him. He deserved so much better. And I haven't changed. Not one damned bit."

"I don't like long-stem red roses, in case you were wondering."

"I really wasn't," he said, too quickly.

"I'm more of a carnations kind of guy."

"Shut up, newbie."

We stared at each other over the sprawling leather couch. Dr. Cox ran his fingers along the beveled patterns on his crystal glass. I fiddled with the drawstring on my pants. There we stood.

And stood.

And continued to stand. Babies who were eight-celled zygotes when we started were drawing Social Security before the silence became too much. And I've always been a wait-and-see guy - which made me wonder what the hell I was doing here in the first place - but this was getting ridiculous. "By the way, I didn't," I said.

He blinked and wiped his mouth with his thumb. "Didn't what?"

"Hit myself in the head with the board."

"Really?" I nodded. "You sure? 'Cause you're sure acting like you've suffered recent brain damage."

This I could handle. This was familiar. "Yeah, I must've if I'm considering starting something with you."

"J.D., I'm your boss," he said. Ooh. There we went with my name again. Didn't feel as dire that time. "Not just your boss, but your teacher. I'm supposed to be a goddamned mentor here."

I stepped around to the back of the couch. "We'll say I'm a slow learner. I need private tutoring."

He stared at me in horror. "My God, Krissy, was that line straight out of After School Special porn, or did you paraphrase a little?"

I pointed at him. "See? That. That right there is why I think we can make a relationship work."

"What the hell are you babbling about now?" he asked, clunking his glass down on the bar.

"If we start something, are you going to stop trying to make me a better doctor through verbal abuse and abject humiliation?"

"Hell, no."

"Are you going to stop insulting me whenever you have the chance?"

"No." He looked thoughtful. "Plus I would have the additional targets of physical appearance and sexual performance."

"Are you going to stop calling me by girls' names?" I held my breath. Actually, I was kind of hoping the answer to that one would be yes.

"I'd think about it." My eyes must've given me away, because he laughed. "Nah. I'm lying. I wouldn't stop any of that."

"Then nothing would change - except sex."

His eyes widened. "Shit, Stephie - I insult you, humiliate you, and call you stupid nicknames. We're dating already."

"Great!" I said happily. "Then let's have sex!"

"All right!" Perry started taking off his shirt, and I hated to interrupt him - I really hated to, but--

"Not now," I told him. His hands stilled. "I'm still on. My shift's not over 'til eleven."

"Oh." He put his shirt back on. "You'll come back then?"

"Try to stop me!"

"Keep talking like a long-lost Brady, and I just might."

"Right. Sorry."

"And quit apologizing. You'll come back at eleven. You'll say something stupid; I'll insult you; and then I'll fuck you blue."

I grinned. "Sounds like a great plan."

He smiled back. "Oh, newbie?" I raised my eyebrows. "Call me 'Perry' out there--" He jerked his head towards the hospital, "and I'll kick your ass. Call me 'Dr. Cox' in here, and I'll kick your ass."

"Either way I'm doomed to an ass-kicking, then?" I shrugged. "As long as you're doing the kicking, Perry, I don't mind."

He growled, crossed the space between us, and kissed me hard. I've always thought I had a pretty good imagination, but nothing I'd fantasized did this kiss any sort of justice. It was hot, and demanding, just like Perry, and it left me gasping for air and desperate for more. "Isn't there anybody you can switch shifts with?" he pled.

"This is a switched shift." I laughed. "Patience, Perry. I'll come back." I kissed him again, then turned towards the door.

"If you're not here by 11:06, I'm coming over there and carrying you back."

"I wouldn't stop you." I frowned. "Maybe it's too soon for me to be making demands, but I want you to stop sleeping with Jordan."

"Like I'd go anywhere near her again after today. Besides, I think she's after Reid."

~*~

Jordan licks her way down Elliot's body, leaving Elliot writhing against pink silk sheets, her hands buried in Jordan's dark hair, shouting Jordan's name.

~*~

We grinned at each other. "Wow," I said finally, and Perry nodded.

"Yeah. And, J.D.?"

Yeah, my name sounded nice when he said it in a non-homicidal manner. "Yeah?"

"The next time someone gives you the chance to hit yourself in the head with a board, you should take it."

4. My first year as a resident, scrawny, geeky, and desperate to get it right, I embarked on a relationship with Perry Cox.

I smiled at him before I opened the door. "I think I just did."

END