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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
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Letter From Louise

Summary:

Rating: PG13
Pairing: Hawkeye/Trapper
Disclaimer: I don't own MASH.

Work Text:

Letter From Louise
by Littlexpinch

If you had told me yesterday, hell, even this morning that I would be lying here being felt up by my best friend I would have got Radar on the phone to Sid Freedman quick smart. But this is the reality I find myself in. I am still not quite sure how we got here but now that we are I'm not complaining.

I remember when we first met, way back at that college football game. Even then we gravitated towards each other. We lost contact for a long time, but some extreme twist of fate meant we would meet again, here at the 4077th hellhole. We became comrades-in-arms, and now it seems certain we will also become lovers. This is a terrifying thought and not just because I always thought I was straight either. This could mess up our entire relationship. I am talking about the most important relationship of my whole life. I can't afford to lose it, but I am not willing to stop this. I am struck with an image of a rock and a hard place. I suppose it was kind of inevitable. There is only so long you can live together, work together, shower together, exist almost as one, before the boundaries begin to fade. What is really ironic is this all started because of a letter from my wife?

* * *

`I want a divorce.' Those four little words echo through my head until their meaning is lost. I know I do not love my wife. I am sure I did a long time ago, but it died. Maybe I loved her when we got married, I am not sure. I do know we got married more because it was expected of us than anything else. I should not be this hurt or angry, but I am. I never expected divorce via a letter to a warzone.

I sit in the Swamp, martini in one hand, letter in the other. You are doing rounds, won't be back for half an hour at least. This gives me plenty of time to drink, and drink I do. You eventually
return to the Swamp to find me slightly inebriated. "Hey Hawk. I thought you had drowned in casualties."

"There were none there. God I am bored. Hotlips and Frank aren't here to torment. Damn week of R&R. There are no wounded, which I know is good but it is so dull! What have you been doing?"

"Drinking. I got a letter from Louise."

"Anything interesting?"

I can't bring myself to face the reality I find myself in. "No, not really."

You collapse on your cot. "I am so bored," you whine.

No temper tantrums tonight please. I don't think I can cope, I have my own problems. I sit back in sulky silence.

"Tra-ap, amuse me." Here comes the petulant school boy routine.

I try to think of a mature, grown up response, I really do. But something snaps before I get a chance. "You want amusing? Fine, amuse yourself with his. I am getting divorced." The words tumble out, a torrent of anger and bitterness.

You sit in stunned silence. The atmosphere in our little tent has become frosty. The seconds stretch before us and I realise just how much I overreacted. I sigh. "Sorry Hawk."

"No, it's okay."

This muttered apology serves to warm the Swamp considerably, though it is still unusually tense. You came over and sit next to me. "I'm sorry Trap, I really am."

"Yeah, I know Hawk." I feel the tears swelling in my throat; they make it hard to breathe. A salty drop trickles down my face, leaving a trail of burning moisture.

"C'mere Trap."

I lean against you, my body shuddering with each sob.

"Just let it out."

"I didn't even love her."

"I know. But it still hurts in here." Your lean finger brushes over my chest. I curl up against you, feeling sober for the first time all night. We sit there in our screaming silence, neither wanting to move. But you do. You stand up. "I'm beat. Think I might hit the sack."

"Sit with me. Please?" My voice is watery.

"Sure." You sit down again and I snuggle into you. Your warmth makes me feel safe. I start to doze; everything fades into a hazy dream. I am almost asleep when I feel you stand up and brush a gentle kiss across my forehead. That snaps me right out of my sleepy fog. "What the hell was that?!"

"Shit! I am so sorry, I thought you were asleep." I see you flinch as the words fall from your mouth.

"Oh, so you often kiss me when I am sleeping?"

"No."

The anger is gone. It has been replaced with numbness. I just want to make it all go away. Korea, the letter, even you. Only one of those is possible. "Go away Hawkeye."

"If you really want me to?" your voice trails off.

"Yeah, I really want you? No, stay." I don't have the energy to fight with you. You go and sit on your own cot. My own cot seems cold and lonely all of a sudden.

This has gotten really complicated really quickly. Now you are gone I fell deserted. But I can't * do * anything with you. We can't lose what we have. The only problem is I need you now. I need to lean on you and feel safe. I am not sure if I can though. Not knowing that this is under the surface.

Stuff it. I need you here, now. I bring this eternal silence to an end. "Hawk?" I take a shaky breath. "Hawkeye, come here."

"Yeah?"

"I need you here with me."

"I can't."

I didn't see that one coming. "Why not?"

"I don't trust myself."

"I trust you."

At that you come over again. I lean against you and whisper, "Life is one evil son of a bitch."

"Don't I know it." You give a wry smile.

I grab you hand. "Thank you."

"Anytime Trap."

Without thinking, I kiss him. It is just a brief brush of lips but it sends tingles down my spine. I pull away quickly. "Hawk I?"

"Shut up Trapper." You kiss me again, passionately. When oxygen becomes necessary we emerge, breathing hard.

"God Hawk. Do we know what we are doing?"

You grin. "Not a clue, but if it feels this right it can't be too bad." We move quickly and quietly. Fervid hands and oversensitised lips exploring bodies.

* * *

So that is how we got here. You and I are taking our friendship to a whole new level from which there is no going back. It has been simmering under the surface since we got here, but I never thought either of us would succumb to it. I love you, always have. Whether we have a future or not is another story though. Korea and the real world are two separate kettles of fish. I know I am not a married man, that is not the problem. The problem is society isn't accepting of that which is different. We are forever, that is the easy part. But as for a future? Well, sometimes love demands to high a price.

END