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2020-11-04
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Hell

Summary:

post-ep to "One Step Closer". Adam deals with the aftermath.

Work Text:

Hell
by Buffy
Adam let out a shakey sigh. He'd kept himself calm and logical throughout the crisis, but now that Megan was safely back home, and Brennan was stabilized, he could feel himself start to shake. *You don't even believe yourself!* The accusation that Brennan had thrown at him still hurt, mostly because it was true. The entire time he'd been working on finding a way to stabilize Brennan's mutation, in a corner of his mind he'd already begun to mourn Brennan. Just because Adam was the genius who'd created the genetic mutations in the first place, didn't mean he'd be able to fix it.

Brennan had been right about something else: Adam didn't know what it was like to worry every day that his body would turn on him, to possibly cause him to hurt his friends by accident. Adam had his own personal hell, one that Brennan, Shal, Jesse, even Emma, could never understand. Every moment of every day, Adam had to walk around with the knowledge that he had caused it. Adam had to face every mutant whose life had been destroyed because of their genetics, every person who had lost a friend or a relative to an out-of-control mutant. *Is this the upshot of your experiment, Dr. Kane?* He bitterly asked himself.

He could feel himself shake uncontrollably, full-body shivers that he couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried. It had been almost unbearable, watching the electricity arching uncontrollably over Brennan's body, to hear the pain and helplessness is he fought to survive the fits. The worst had been watching Brennan and Emma make that crazy, last-ditch attempt to fix things. When Brennan had asked about it after, Adam had replied with wry humor, mocking his own worries and insecurities. But it terrified him like nothing else ever had, not knowing who or how the mutations would threaten next.

But he'd managed to hide all of it, and project his usual image of a leader who was calm and in control, and it had all worked out in the end. After his talk with the Senator, and the following one with Brennan, Adam had left the lab. He knew he couldn't keep it together much longer, so he'd sought out a little corner in a back hallway. It was his own little sanctuary, somewhere he could go and not be found. Unlike his room, or the garden, or most of his other haunts in Sanctuary, no one knew to look here for him. And even if they checked this hallway, if you didn't know where to look, this little alcove was unnoticable. When he'd gotten to the alcove, he'd simply leaned back against the wall, and let himself slide to sit. He pulled legs up, burying his face in his knees as he wrapped his arms around his legs. He still couldn't stop shaking, and he started rocking back and forth as tears soaked his slacks.

"Adam? Adam, are you okay?" He heard Shalimar, but he couldn't move, couldn't acknowledge her. "Adam, it's alright, it's okay. Megan's safe with her mother, and Brennan's stable. It's okay." Her arm was around his shoulders, and she was rocking with him, murmering soothing nonsense. The contact, and the fact that she moved to comfort him without hesitation, knocked down what was left of his barriers.

When he finally calmed down, Shal was still there. She had shifted them so that she was sitting next to him, with her arms around him. In another time, Adam might have entertained thoughts of making a move on her. But his interests were in another direction, and had been for a while now. As comforting as the embrace was, that tiny corner of his mind couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to be wrapped in those muscular arms, to be held against his chest and feel him breathe. But the majority of his mind was simply appreciating what he had. "Thank you," his voice was rough from the tears, but the gratitude was still there.

"We're family Adam, this is what families do. We take care of each other."

"Not always," his own family had been rather aloof, handshakes or pats on the head rather than hugs.

"So, was that just about this last crisis, or was it the last couple all at once?" The question was asked lightly, attempting to soften it with a bit of humor.

But Adam couldn't find the to energy smile, even a fake one, "Shal, I don't know. I don't know when it will happen again, or to whom. And I don't know if I'll be able to fix it."

"Adam, you're not God, even if you played at it when you were younger and stupider. We don't expect you to be. We all know that it's a minor miracle that we're as capable and sane as we are. Humans might've developed these abilities on their own, but not now. So we aren't ready for it, so what? We'll deal with whatever happens the best we can. Come on, time for all genius scientists to get something to eat and go to bed." She stood, then helped him up. Adam was slightly embarassed to realize that he'd been sitting like that so long, that he couldn't have gotten up on his own. But Shal didn't let him dwell on it, she simply hustled him off towards the kitchen, fussing over him like a cat over her kitten. When they passed Brennan in the hallway, he'd smiled and bid him sweet dreams, hoping that the younger man wouldn't notice him eyeing the muscles that the muscle shirt and pajama bottoms only accentuated. Adam didn't notice the jealous glance Brennan gave Shal's posessive grip on the scientist's wrist, dragging him towards the kitchen.

Shal noticed both men's reactions, and their obliviousness, with amusement. In her mind she promised Adam that she'd help him start something with Brennan. Neither man deserved to be that lonely. Brennan drowned the loneliness in meaningless one-night stands, and Adam stayed alone in the lab. Shal decided to get Emma and Jesse to help her fix them up. The image of Adam curled up earlier was burned into her memory. She'd never seen a person look so alone and defenseless before. He'd helped her, and now she was going to return the favor, starting with a grilled cheese sandwich.


end