Work Text:
humorous deathfic: The many deaths of Lisa Cuddy
by Josette Grover
"I don't care," Cuddy says with a growl, reaching for the bottle of aspirin. "You're doing clinic hours this afternoon. And because I said so." she says at House's opening mouth.
"You realize of course, this means war." he says, standing up and preparing to stomp off.
"What are you going to do, kill me?" Cuddy snarks at his back.
"You know, that sounds like a darn good idea." House says, turning around, pulling a gun from the waist of his pants and shooting her between the eyes. He smirks, blows the smoke from the barrel, twirls the gun around on his finger and, checking to make sure the safety is on, he does not need to shoot himself in the nuts Wilson would really be pissed, puts the gun away.
Lisa wakes up an hour or so later, groaning as she opens her eyes. "Dammit, I hate it when he does that." she grouses. "Maintenance is gonna have a fit about getting the blood out of the walls."
"House, don't forget you still have Clinic hours this afternoon." Cuddy says, walking into the room where House is busy pressing Wilson against the wall, trying to remove his tonsils with his tongue. With a growl, Wilson reaches for a pair of bandage scissors from the tray next to him and throws them at Cuddy. They end up going through her eye and into her brain, killing her instantly. Chase and Cameron come into the room, grabbing her under either arm and dragging her into a shower room, turning on the water full blast to wash away what blood there was from the eye wound before pulling the scissors out with a sickening sucking sound and taking them down to be sterilized.
"House, I don't care how often you kill me today, you still have clinic hours." Cuddy says, walking through the hospital back to her office soaking wet with her shoes squelching. All the hospital employees, patients, and visitors get out her way, having heard what was happening.
"Cameron, please tell House that he still has clinic hours this afternoon." Cuddy says into the phone.
"House says Hell No," Cameron says, looking over at House who smirks at her, mouthing some words. "And that he poisoned your coffee before he left your office, so enjoy your nap." she says hanging up as Cuddy clutches at her chest.
Cuddy is heading for her car for lunch when a motorcycle comes out of nowhere, running her over. A smirking House takes off his helmet after parking his bike, shaking his hair out as Wilson and Chase pull up next to his parking spot.
"House, how long are you going to keep doing this?" Wilson asks, pulling his lover into his arms for a kiss before all three men head inside.
"She quits nagging me about clinic hours, I'll stop killing her." House shrugs.
end