SquidgeWorld Archive

Disclaimer: I don't own the Stargate Atlantis universe. If I did, I wouldn't be here writing about it when I could be there, enjoying it. I'm not making any money off this story either, much to my disappointment.

A/N: I would like to thank my betas, Nancy In Chicago and Isis for their help on this.

Rodney paced back and forth in the lab, holding Kirk in his arms as he waited for Carson to answer his questions. His kitten had activated Ancient technology. Why? How? Was there something wrong with Kirk? Was he going to die? Was Kirk even really a kitten or some descended Ancient being who would try to cuddle up with John? He stopped and glared at John, who was sitting in a chair, watching Rodney anxiously.

"This is your fault," he snapped.

John looked at him, his expression surprised. "How is this my fault?" he asked, bewildered.

"I don't know, but it is. Ten to one, Kirk is going to wind up being some descended Ancient, who is going to have the hots for you and will try to sleep with you. I tell you now, if he even thinks about getting in your pants, there will be hell to pay," Rodney ranted.

John pouted. "When are you going to let that thing with Chaya go? It's over and done with. I never even slept with her," he stated innocently.

Rodney snorted. "I don't think I said a thing about sleeping with her, I think I said something about you fuc..."

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth interrupted. "This isn't really the time or place."

Rodney stroked Kirk, making the little kitten purr as he glared at her. "When do you think will be the right time? About the same time that Kirk jumps him?" he snapped.

Elizabeth's mouth twitch as John rolled his eyes. "Rodney, Kirk isn't a descended Ancient. He is a kitten, a cat, a feline, a pussy," he drawled.

"Oh, you just had to go there, didn't you?" Rodney sneered.

The door to the small back room open and Carson entered the room. "Well?" Rodney asked anxiously. "What is he? Is he a cat?"

Carson sighed, exasperated. "Yes, Rodney, Kirk is a cat, a Felis catus. A kitten in fact; a small homicidal muffin on leg that affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness or so I've been told."

Rodney glared at Carson, hugging Kirk close. "My kitten is a perfect angel."

John snorted and looked away when Rodney turned to scowl at him. He knew that Rodney was happy with the kitten, but the thing was a menace when it wanted to be. And heaven forbid you should ignore him. He was worse than Rodney.

"Now that you've established that Kirk is indeed a cat, can you tell us why he was able to activate Ancient technology?" Elizabeth asked.

Carson looked at her strangely and answered slowly, "Because he has the gene."

Elizabeth frowned. "Well, obviously. I want to know if it's real or if it was implanted," she reiterated.

Rodney stopped petting Kirk, looking at her with a shocked expression. "Who would give him the shot?" he asked. "Kirk was with the John whole time, right?" he asked his lover.

John looked sheepish as he replied, "Well, there was that time that I left Kirk with General O'Neill. He had come to the SGC for a surprise visit, and I needed to go out and get Kirk some food and such. I asked the General to watch Kirk while I was gone. But, it was only an hour...or six," he mumbled.

"You left Kirk with General O'Neill?" Rodney shrieked. "I ask again, are you stupid? That man hates me! I wouldn't put it past him to give Kirk the gene just to cause me problems."

Elizabeth and John looked confused while Carson nodded knowingly. "Why would giving Kirk the gene be a problem?" John asked.

"Have you ever owned a cat?" Rodney inquired.

John shook his head.

"You?" Rodney asked Elizabeth.

"No, I'm more of a dog person."

Rodney snorted. "Well, let me tell you the joys of owning a cat. First, they listen to no one but themselves. You don't own them, they own you. No is not word in their vocabulary and they will ignore if you say it to them. If you want a cat to do something, you beg or bribe them with treats, then hope they take pity on you and do it. If you're really unlucky, you might even need a spray bottle filled with Holy water."

"They can get into anything. From the highest perch to the smallest hole, if it's large enough, inevitably a cat will find it. You will find him perched on the most unlikely places, only to jump on you when you don't see him or swat at your legs as you walk by. Trust me, in the middle of the night, when you've had no sleep, it's not fun," Rodney stated.

"Not only that, but a cat sleeps anywhere. On the bed, the couch, the toilet seat, in the bathtub, the car, the puddle jumper, the commissary, the conference room, the gate room, on the Stargate, because trust me, if it's wide enough, a cat will find a way to sit on it. Then you have the fact that a cat will interrupt your sleep at the most inconvenient time of the night, begging for food, water, or love and attention. A cat will use anything and everything as a scratching post. There will be claw marks everywhere and eventually a cat will find something you don't want destroyed and destroy it."

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" Rodney asked. John and Elizabeth nodded, their faces a little pale.

"I planned on letting Kirk stay in my room when I was in the lab, but now that he has the gene, he has the ability to open the door to my room and escape. At any time of the day or not; he can go anywhere, and I do mean anywhere. Cats are curious creatures that like to investigate and hunt. No one will be safe from Kirk. He will think he is the king of all he surveys and we are merely his subjects. That's what we're going to be dealing with," Rodney finished dramatically.

John licked his lips nervously. "Surely, you're exaggerating."

Rodney and Carson looked at each, a smirk on their faces before shaking their heads. "No, I'm afraid the lad is right," Carson replied. "I had a cat when I was but a wee lad, and let me tell you, he was a right terror. My mum swore he was spawned from the devil himself." He sighed wistfully. "I miss that cat."

"If cats are so much trouble, then why do people own them?" John asked, confused.

"Because they are intelligent creatures who love to cuddle on your laps, lay on your head while you sleep, follow you around almost as a dog would and when they finally decide that you are worthy of their attention, it is the best feeling in the world," Rodney said fondly as he gazed adoringly at his kitten.

John felt a twinge of jealously and mentally rolled his eyes for feeling that way about Kirk. He just didn't want Rodney gazing at the kitten that way. He should be the only one getting those adoring looks. Rodney looked up at John and smiled at him, his gaze soft, and John sighed ecstatically. All right, if giving the cat to Rodney made him look at John like that, he would share the adoring looks. But Kirk still wasn't sleeping on the bed. That was his domain.

"Well, the good news is that the gene will eventually stop working in about six months. Cats were not designed to have the gene. I'm surprised the gene worked at all," Carson stated.

"Why? They work in your mice," Rodney said.

"Yes, but the mice can't activate the Ancient technology and the gene doesn't last longer than three months before I have to give them another shot," Carson explained. "It's really quite interesting to see that it worked on Kirk. I wonder if I can get an approval for the SGC to send some cats to use the gene on," he mused.

"How do you know that they can't activate Ancient technology?" John asked.

Carson blushed and Rodney laughed gleefully. "You had them try it, didn't you?" he asked.

Carson nodded. "Obviously they couldn't use most of it, but some of it, like being able to open the door by touch, didn't work for them."

Rodney snickered and Carson rolled his eyes. The doctor cleared his throat and looked over at Rodney, a hesitant look on his face. "I was wondering if maybe I could...er...study Kirk while he still has the active gene."

Rodney's eyes widened, outraged, and he pulled the purring kitten to his chest, covering him protectively. "Kirk is not a guinea pig," he stated with a shrill voice. "You leave my baby alone, you voodoo practitioner."

"Rodney, I wouldn't hurt the wee thing," Carson said.

"No!" Rodney snarled. "My baby!"

John looked over at Elizabeth, who was trying to cover a smile and shook his head. She grinned at John, a look of devilment in her eyes. Oh yeah, John was going to have his hands full.

"Rodney, you know Carson wouldn't hurt him. If you won't let him study Kirk, maybe you can let him check up on him periodically. You do want to know if the gene would make Kirk sick, don't you?" John asked.

Rodney looked at him surprise before turning a panicked gaze towards Carson. "Oh my god! The gene is going to kill Kirk!" he shrieked.

John sighed. He didn't mean to make Rodney panic. He gave Carson an apologetic look and the man just smiled. "Rodney, the gene isn't going to make the cat sick and it's not going to kill Kirk. I promise," he stated soothingly.

Rodney glared at Carson suspiciously before sniffing. "Well, of course it isn't. Fine, you can check on him periodically, but no studying him. I don't want Kirk to think that he is here for your personal amusement," he stated sharply.

"Of course not, Rodney," Carson replied, his mouth twitching into John knew would've been a smile.

"Well, if that is everything, then I'm going to take Kirk home. I think he's been traumatized enough. Look at him, he's practically quivering in my arms," Rodney exclaimed.

John, Elizabeth, and Carson looked at the purring kitten, which was sprawled on Rodney's arm, his eyes half-mast with pleasure as Rodney scratched him behind the ear.

"Yeah, traumatized," John drawled.

Rodney sniffed indignantly, turned, and walked out of the lab. John sighed. "What was I thinking getting him a cat?" he mused.

John walked into Rodney's room and rolled his eyes. His lover was lying on the bed, Kirk on his chest, cooing and petting the kitten. He'd known that Rodney loved cats, but this was ridiculous. He couldn't believe that he was jealous of the little monster. He pouted.

"Hey," he greeted.

Rodney looked up from Kirk and glared at him. "I can't believe that you left Kirk with O'Neill. Don't you know the man hates me? He could've hurt Kirk."

"Yeah, that would've been a shame," John replied, rolling his eyes.

Rodney looked at him suspiciously. "You don't like him, do you? You hate my cat!" he exclaimed, his face outraged.

John sighed. "No, Rodney, I don't. I like the little demon just fine."

"Demon?" Rodney shrieked. "My baby isn't a demon! You'll hurt his feelings if you keep calling him names."

"Rodney," John sighed. "He's a cat. He can't understand a word I'm saying."

"My baby is highly intelligent. He understands everything!"

John stared at Rodney. The man began to fidget under John's gaze, his face flushed. "Tell me you just didn't say that. He's a cat!" John said slowly.

Rodney pouted. "Fine, he's a cat. But he's still intelligent."

"I'm sure he is, but I'm not going to hurt his feelings by calling him a demon," John replied. "Though it's true," he muttered.

"You know, if you don't like him, you can just leave."

John shook his head. "Fine, I hope he keeps you warm at night." He turned and left the room. Ignoring Rodney as he yelled after him, he continued walking down the corridor. He couldn't believe he was jealous of a stupid cat. He pouted. He didn't think he would be replaced when he bought Rodney that cat. He grumbled to himself. Later, he would feel like an idiot for walking out, but for now, he just didn't care. Rodney needed to know that there were limits. The cat wasn't more important than their relationship.

John had been in his room for a couple of hours before the door opened and Rodney stomped in.

"I can't believe you're jealous of a cat!" he exclaimed.

John sighed, put aside his book, and looked at his lover. "I'm not jealous of your cat."

"Ha!" Rodney scoffed. "You so are."

"I am not!" John denied.

"Are to."

"Am not!"

"Are to."

"Am not!"

"Are to."

"Am...you know what, never mind. This is stupid. I am not jealous of your cat."

"You are such a bad liar," Rodney said.

"Hey!" John cried out as he got off the bed. "I am a good liar, damn it!"

"Ah ha!" Rodney exclaimed triumphantly. "I knew you were lying."

John groaned. "Fine, I'm jealous of the stupid cat," he admitted with a pout. "You treat that thing better than me. With the cooing and the petting..." he trailed off at Rodney's amused look.

Rodney walked over to his lover, a sly look on his face. "Why, John. Do you want me to coo and pet you?" he asked.

John crossed his arms. "No," he said unconvincingly. "I'm a man. I don't need that."

Rodney lifted his hand up and stroked John's face. John's eyes closed and he leaned into the touch. "Do you need to me to pet you? How about if I stroked you? Would you like that?" Rodney asked huskily.

"Maybe," John stated as he opened his eyes and stared at Rodney hotly.

Rodney's hand lowered slowly, touching his chest softly. "How would you like me to stroke you? Hard? Soft?"

John swallowed hard. "However you'd like," he croaked.

"Hmmmm...." Rodney hummed as he gazed at John intently. "Kirk is my baby, but you are my lover. Nothing can replace you in my heart or my life, not even my cat. You have nothing to worry about."

John sighed and grinned a little sheepishly. "I know. I feel a little stupid being jealous over a kitten, but I couldn't help it."

Rodney chuckled. "I'll be sure to pet you everyday so you don't get jealous."

John reached out, pulled Rodney against him, and kissed him. "You do that," he murmured. They both fell onto the bed and the next few minutes were filled with panting and moaning.

There was a sudden swish as the doors open, a loud irritated meow and a yelled, "Damn it, Rodney!" followed by the sound of Rodney laughing as the doors closed.

The End.