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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-04
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Five Reasons Not To Date Denny Crane.

Summary:

No matter how many reasons he can come up with to support not dating Denny Crane... in the end? None of them really matter at all.

Work Text:

Reason 1: Denny Crane isn't gay.

Alan knows he's staring, the same way everyone else in the room is staring, but he can't voice an opinion because he thinks his throat may just have closed over. Instead he sits there with his eyes focused on Denny, who's sitting -- oblivious to the scrutiny -- at the end of the table, while Shirley and Paul talk on and on and on about a case that Alan probably should have heard about, and probably would have heard about if he hadn't been so preoccupied lately with other things. He isn't involved in this case though so, important or not, it has to take a backseat.

When the meeting's finally over and they've all been dismissed, something which inspires feelings he silently likens to being freed from prison, he follows Denny back to his office and closes the door behind them, leaning against it for support.

Denny Crane, vaunted heterosexual and woman-chaser extraordinaire, is somewhat failing to promote the image. Denny still hits on cocktail waitresses and beautiful women in bars, and Denny won't hold his hand in public or admit to the world that they're a, well, whatever they are, and yet he'll wear that suit. It just doesn't compute.

"You've been staring at me all morning."

"You're wearing a pink suit," Alan says, as though the reason for his staring should be apparent, and he really thinks it should be. "With a matching shirt and a red tie."

"You don't like my suit?"

"It's pink, Denny."

"Baby pink," Denny says, smoothing his jacket. "I know. I bought it last weekend."

"...and the tie?"

"Red goes with pink. The saleswoman said they meshed beautifully."

"It has little hearts."

"I know."

"Little pink hearts."

"They had one with little red hearts on pink, but I thought it might be too much."

"It was only when you got to the tie that you thought it might be too much?"

Denny rolls his eyes and pours himself a drink. He doesn't pour Alan one, which tells Alan that Denny's either upset that he doesn't like his new suit or that he just plain forgot, but he'd really like one, so he walks over to steal Denny's glass from his hand.

"The suit's gay, Denny," he says, as he swallows a mouthful of scotch.

"So am I," Denny says, as though Alan doesn't remember how the last few weeks have reshaped their friendship into something else, something more, that's new to them both. Mutual attraction doesn't necessarily equal a good relationship but they're doing okay so far.

"I thought you didn't want the world to know," Alan says dryly, thinking that nothing could really reveal the truth about them faster than this suit except, maybe, him kissing Denny in the main lobby. "The suit isn't subtle, Denny."

But then neither is Denny, and neither is he, really. They're larger than life apart, so together it makes sense that they can't be ignored, and assuming they could be might be where he originally went wrong.

"I thought I might wear it to the company dinner," Denny says idly, and Alan misses the twinkle in his eye that says he's joking because he's too busy choking on Denny's drink.

"Really," Alan says, when he's recovered enough to take a breath. "Don't you think your date will look at you strangely."

"Why would you?" Denny asks. "You've already seen it."

"We're going together?"

This is something he hasn't let himself contemplate because, while they almost always end up socialising with each other at these functions in the end, they usually show up alone, or with other people. They've gone to things together before, of course, but that was before and surely this has to be different.

"Only if you want to," Denny says, shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it on the back of his chair. "We don't have to."

Alan thinks that maybe he's misjudged Denny, despite how well he knows him, that he hasn't given him enough credit. The more he thinks about it the more he realises that he's always just assumed that Denny would want to keep this a secret; he's never really asked.

"If we were out in public, would you hold my hand?" he asks. The question comes out of the blue but Denny doesn't flinch, only looks up at him in mild surprise.

"Holding hands is a bit girly," Denny says, and Alan snorts.

"This coming from the man wearing a pink suit and a red tie with little hearts."

He smiles, leaning back against the wall, and looks at Denny thoughtfully; suspecting that despite his protestation, if he takes Denny's hand next time they step outside, Denny will let him. He'll grumble and moan about how Alan's taking away every last vestige of his heterosexuality -- and in public no less! -- but Alan's fairly sure he won't let go.

 

Reason 2: Denny Crane doesn't always play well with others.

"Don't you think we should discuss this?"

"What's there to discuss? It's a dinner party. I think you know how those go."

"We're going to have to dance, Denny."

"The chances are good."

"And you don't think we need to discuss, say, who's going to lead?"

"I am," Denny says, surprised, as though the answer to that question should have been obvious. "Why? Did you think I was going to let you lead?"

"Denny..." Alan says, sighing heavily as he looks at his best friend turned lover with no small amount of irritation.

This is the first company dinner they've attended since they told the office they were dating -- it still kind of annoys him that no one was really that surprised -- and he wants it to go smoothly. Normally he's all for making waves and bucking the norm but this time he thinks there are enough odds stacked against them, and he'd rather not have any more.

"Okay, okay, fine..." Denny says, holding up a hand to indicate that he gives in. "If it bothers you that much, I'll let you lead for one song."

"Denny!"

"Alan." Denny looks at him steadily. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Alan says, ignoring the fact that he thinks his jittery stomach might be about to leap out of his body altogether. There's no reason to be nervous about this, no reason at all, but unaccountably he is and he can't seem to stop.

"Don't lie to me, I can see your tension," Denny says, standing up and putting his glass down on the arm of his chair. He steps behind Alan, hands falling to his shoulders as he starts a gentle massage.

Denny can be very self-involved and childish when he wants to be, but he can also be one of the most thoughtful people in the world, even if it is only occasionally and only ever directed at Alan. Denny waits until he's started to relax before repeating his question.

"Shirley and Paul aren't happy about this," Alan says this time, which isn't an answer really, and isn't the reason, but it'll have to do. "You should have heard the lecture Shirley gave me yesterday, and Paul hasn't stopped glaring."

Denny shrugs, then seems to remember that Alan can't see him from the position they're in. He's Denny Crane and his name comes first; Shirley and Paul can learn to live with it, he's not worried. He's made a career out of not worrying what other people think.

"Shirley and Paul don't matter," Denny says as Alan turns his head to look at him. "What they think doesn't matter." He pauses. "Does it really matter to you?"

Alan shakes his head and decides that these things will work out or they won't, but he'll still have Denny either way and that's a compromise he can live with. When Denny's picked a path of action he's impossible to dissuade from it, and Denny's picked him. He's followed Denny down many a path before now and he's more than content to walk this one by his side. He and Denny don't overshadow each other, but sometimes he likes being in the background so he can watch Denny shape their future.

"Will it make you feel better if I let you lead?" Denny asks, smiling in a way that makes Alan smile back without thinking twice.

"That's okay," he says. "You lead this time. I'll follow."

 

Reason 3: Denny's actions are sometimes unethical.

"You bribed the woman at Reception, didn't you?" Alan says lazily, as he relaxes on what may be the most comfortable mattress in the world.

If he can pull it off, he's taking this mattress with him when they leave because while Denny's mattress is comfortable, more comfortable than the hotel ones he'd grown accustomed to, this one is even better. Denny, who's stretched out next to him, only smirks without opening his eyes as the accusation registers.

"Alan," he says. "Bribery's a crime."

"It is," Alan agrees, nodding his head. "And this room was booked for a diplomat of... some sort, I overheard the woman say so."

"He cancelled," Denny says innocently. "I just took the room before someone else did."

"He cancelled..." Alan repeats, wondering if Denny really expects him to buy that after all the whispering and winking that went on during the moments they were checking in.

"He did."

"So you had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he was ranting at the reception desk, complaining about his reservation being 'lost,' when I went downstairs earlier."

"Absolutely nothing."

"He nearly reduced that poor woman to tears, Denny!"

"She was well compensated."

"Yet, somehow still not bribed."

"Not at all," Denny says. "She agreed to do me a favour."

"And you compensated her for it -- monetarily I'm assuming, unless you'll be popping out later? -- so you tell me, how does that not constitute bribery."

"Alan..." Denny sighs and Alan knows that he'd be able to tell Denny's smiling even if he weren't looking at him. "Why don't you try and forget about it?"

Alan rolls his eyes and sighs loudly in exasperation. He punches his pillow as noisily as possible, growing steadily more annoyed when Denny doesn't so much as glance at him in response, and finally sits up to glare down at his irrepressible boyfriend.

"Denny, you simply can't go around bribing people."

"We're lawyers," Denny says, as though that can possibly be an answer.

"Even so."

Alan looks at Denny when Denny finally opens his eyes, noting that he doesn't seem the least bit phased by the idea that he's just broken the law. They defend people against bribery charges all the time; they aren't supposed to be the ones at risk of prosecution.

"Is this, or is this not, the most comfortable mattress in the world?" Denny asks, meeting Alan's gaze as he taps the surface of the mattress with his fingers.

"It is," Alan says. "In fact I think we should buy it before we leave, but--"

"I'll get the manufacturer's name," Denny says, wrinkling his nose at the idea of having to transport this one back to Boston. "We can order a new one of our very own."

"Denny..." Alan groans, rubbing his temples and wondering how it is that he's starting to feel increasingly crazier the longer they know each other.

Denny doesn't say anything this time, just cups his hand around the back of Alan's neck and uses gentle pressure to bring his head down for a kiss, and there's this thing that happens to Alan when Denny kisses him; he tends to forget about things like bribery and his own anger, giving them up in favour of Denny's kisses and where they'll lead.

Alan gives up the fight and kisses Denny back, deciding that if he can't make Denny more ethical he'll simply have to learn to accept the unethical. On occasion. Maybe.

Because, after all, this room really does have the most comfortable mattress in the world and, after a day full of travelling, he's more than happy to relax in the comfort; to think of nothing except Denny, and to let the rest of the world fade away.

 

Reason 4: Dealing with Denny can be like dealing with a sulky child.

Denny's been sulking for over nineteen hours and Alan knows this because he's been counting them. Denny sulked the entire way home last night and he was still sulking this morning; in fact, Alan's fairly certain that Denny was even sulking in his sleep, though most people would say it shouldn't be possible to tell. Last night he was annoyed by it but today he's just vaguely amused and, if pushed on the subject, he'll even admit to a tiny thrill at the knowledge that he can make Denny this jealous without trying.

It wasn't his fault that the man flirting with him last night had been a lawyer from a rival firm; he didn't recognise him and, anyway, he didn't ask to be flirted with. Denny can make all the noise he likes about the way Alan was supposedly flirting back, but that doesn't make it any truer. He might be known to flirt with women occasionally, same as Denny does, but he only has eyes for one man.

Unfortunately, that one man currently isn't talking to him.

"How long are you going to sulk about this?"

"I am not sulking," Denny growls, in a manner that suggests he very much is but will never admit to it.

"Of course you aren't," Alan says, lying back on the couch with an internal sigh.

It's the weekend and they have the day off, and of the many ways Alan envisioned today going, this wasn't one of them. This is the part of their relationship that he hasn't quite figured out yet; the part that seemed to be easier to figure out when all they shared was friendship. Then again, he considers, he has a few more weapons to use than he used to.

He looks over at Denny, who has his eyes closed even though Alan knows he isn't sleeping. He isn't trying to sleep either, he's just... sulking, there's no other word for it.

"I thought we were going to go out for lunch," Alan says, glancing at his watch. It's almost three pm, which is a bit late for lunch and definitely too early for dinner, but he's hungry and getting Denny out of the house might help.

"I'm not in the mood," Denny says without opening his eyes.

"But I am," Alan argues, standing up so he can walk over to Denny's chair. Leaning over him forces Denny to open his eyes and look at him, and Alan locks gazes with him so he can't look away. "Last night was ridiculous, Denny. Let it go, please."

"You were flirting with another man!"

Alan's pretty sure he didn't have this much trouble with Sally or even Tara, despite their other problems, and he wishes briefly that Denny didn't feel the need to make everything so much more difficult than it really needs to be.

"He was flirting with me," Alan points out, exasperated.

"You were flirting back," Denny argues. "I saw you."

Alan loves Denny but right now he wants to hit him. He's one step away from doing just that when he's struck with another idea, one that seems to promise a much better outcome than the first.

"Denny..." he says as though he's considering something, leaning in closer until they're almost, but not quite, kissing.

"What?" Denny asks. He still sounds grumpy but Alan's a practised observer of all things Denny Crane, and he can tell when Denny's faking it.

"How about if I convince you that there's only one person I'm interested in flirting with," he says, his lips grazing Denny's as his mouth forms the words. "Then you can take me out to dinner."

Denny rolls his eyes at the last part but Alan can tell that he's less angry, and more open to the advance than he was this morning.

"You're just hungry and you know I have nothing to eat here."

"You really do need to go shopping," Alan agrees, curling his fingers at the base of Denny's neck. "But going out to eat is more fun."

"Because you can flirt with strange men?"

"Because I can flirt with you in public."

"Hmph," Denny grunts, but the answer seems to have silenced him for which Alan's eternally grateful.

He leans in to kiss Denny properly when Denny finally gives in and reaches out to touch him. Their morning has been a complete disaster but the evening is still salvageable, and tomorrow they have another day together. Maybe tomorrow will even start out the way he'd originally hoped for today.

 

Reason 5: Denny's relationships never end well.

Alan's heard a thousand horror stories telling of the things the previous Mrs. Crane's have tried in their attempts to dismantle Denny's reputation, and by extension the firm, in their post-break-up rages. He's heard them from the other lawyers who worked there at the time, very few of whom still work there now, and he's heard them from Shirley and from Paul, and even from Denny himself, once or twice. Denny's told him stories of his past relationships for different reasons than everyone else but the truth is that, as a result, he knows exactly how many hits the firm has taken for Denny's love life.

He's listened to a thousand lectures and warnings from Shirley on the very same subject, and he still doesn't understand how they can fail to see he doesn't need those lectures, that he already knows all of those things and doesn't care. He isn't the next Mrs. Crane, he's Alan Shore, and he'd never jeopardise the firm's future or it's reputation.

He and Denny are still the best of friends and they still sit out on the balcony late at night, talking about everything and anything, drinking and smoking in companionable silence. Even though he's now also Denny's partner, that doesn't mean those things have changed. Okay, he moved out of his hotel and into Denny's house... but that made sense, since he was all but living there anyway, and other than that everything is still the same.

Their friendship has blended smoothly into a relationship that isn't conventional but makes them both happy, and they're doing just fine, so Alan wishes that people would stop assuming it's somehow going to go wrong, because he's perfectly capable of doing that all by himself. Besides which, he's already decided that the trick to avoiding a complicated, firm-ruining, reputation-destroying break-up with Denny is to simply never break up with him, which sits just fine with both of them.

"Hey," Denny greets him, having collected the glass Alan filled for him before he came through to the balcony. "Juliet Simmons, from the research department, was very eager to tell me about how you were flirting with Brad earlier--"

"With Brad?" Alan exclaims, trying his hardest not to laugh. "God, they aren't even really trying any more, are they?"

"She seemed very convinced," Denny says, smiling at Alan's expression and resting his hand on Alan's shoulder, squeezing gently, as he passes by to sit down in his chair.

"What did you say?"

He knows that Denny won't have believed it for a second, because the idea is fairly unbelievable and faintly ridiculous, but he stores the information away in his mental vault anyway, in case he ever needs to use it to torment Brad, as he waits for Denny to answer.

"I thanked her for her concern," Denny says, smiling over at him. "And told her you had better taste."

Alan laughs and tilts his head back to stare up at the stars.

There's something natural and right about these quiet moments they spend together; the same kind of something that's natural and right about the touches that make his head spin at night and his blood fizz in his veins. It's that something that convinces Alan that no matter how many reasons he could come up with to support not dating Denny Crane... in the end? None of them really matter at all.