SquidgeWorld Archive

Spike walked slowly into the apartment he and Xander had been sharing
for the past two years. He cringed at the scent of his boy still
hanging in the air. That scent used to carry him through the long
days when Xander would be at work and the sun came between them. Now
death had come between them forever, and the smell of wood, love and
sunshine that he had always associated with Xander, the smell that
would have filled him with joy, laughter, love and happiness now made
him feel a hurt that could not be comforted, left him with a need and
longing that could no longer be sated. His love was gone.

That thought brought him to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably. He
felt two pairs of hands on his shoulders and raised his head to
see the matching faces of Willow and Dawn, tears coursing down their
cheeks, a pain almost akin to his own on their faces.

He knew that of all the people in Xander's short life, these two
girls and himself were what had kept the boy going day to day. Even
though Xander had cared for Buffy, Giles, Tara, and the others - even
Angel at the end - these three people had been Xander's lifeline when
he had needed the love that he never got as a young child,
reassurances that he was a good man who was needed and respected, and
someone to talk to and hang on to through good times and bad.

The girls kneeled beside Spike, one on each side, hugging him,
knowing that he craved the warmth and comfort. But the warm body
Spike yearned for so badly was now cold and buried in the ground and
there were no strong arms to hold him against that body, no whispers
of love to be heard from that voice filled with tenderness. It was
lost to him forever.

After a few moments Spike pried himself away from the girls,
reassuring them of the lie that he was alright. He knew deep in his
unbeating heart that he would never be 'alright' again. Spike had
suffered losses of loved ones before in his 120 some odd years but
none like this.

He got up and walked around the home he and Xander had shared - the
first real home Spike had ever known. He reverently touched
everything - so many things that reminded him of his lover. He
wanted to be alone with his pain and grief. Sadly, he turned towards
his friends.

"Please just go. I want some time alone. I promise I will be
alright. I won't do anything stupid." Spike assured them.

"Spike, you know Xander made us promise that if anything ever
happened to him on patrol or anything----" Willow couldn't continue,
so Dawn finished the sentence, "he wanted us to take care of each
other."

"I'll keep my promise to him and I know you all will too, but I just
want to be alone for a little while." Spike was practically
begging. He just wanted to huddle in a corner somewhere and make the
world go away.

Willow seemed to understand and grabbed Dawn by the arm, leading her
towards the door. "We'll be back to get you tonight. Promise you'll
call us if you need anything."

"I promise," Spike told them as he watched them exit the apartment.
Finally, he could be by himself with his own thoughts.

It had been a week since he had gotten the call from Harry, Xander's
boss at the construction site. A call from a place Xander loved to
be, a place where he had finally found his niche in the world, a
place that made Xander feel important, gifted and smart after long
years of school bullies and meaningless dead end jobs that made him
feel unworthy, stupid and useless. A place where everyone loved and
respected him - not because he was helping to save the world and
throwing himself headlong into battles against whatever the Hellmouth
spit out at him and his friends but as a gentle, kind and
understanding young man who always had a warm smile for everyone.
Someone people could turn to with their problems whether it was at
work or at home.

Spike knew how many times Xander had stayed late at work to listen
patiently as someone had asked his advice about anything ranging from
a small problem such as a mixed up order or a breakup with a
girlfriend to really big ones such as a death of a loved one or an
addiction problem. Xander would reassure and give comfort and then
he would help them by hanging out with them so they wouldn't be
lonely or sitting all night by the bedside of another, holding their
hand and giving encouragement to beat whatever obstacle had come that
person's way.

Spike remembered how they used to argue sometimes over the long hours
Xander would put in. It was hard enough for the boy to find time to
relax between finding time for their relationship, patrolling and
work without trying to solve everyone's problems. While most of the
time he was proud of Xander for being who he was, there were moments
he felt the boy put in too much time helping others. Spike
remembered one particular argument.

*Flash*

"Luv, you're going to wear yourself out. You have to give your body
some down time to just relax," Spike had told him.

Xander had just grinned at him saying, "Which in Spike language means
give myself more time for shagging you?"

"And that would be a bad thing?"

"Oh, definitely not. That's my favorite pastime - ranks right up
there with much kissage and cuddling."

"So come to bed and let's do all of the above mentioned things,"
Spike had told him, drawing Xander close and kissing him gently
enough to be tender but hard enough to give him the promise of more
to come if he listened to his lover.

Xander had moaned into the kiss before reluctantly pulling
away. "You know I can't, Spike. I promised Robbie I'd help him with
that painting job he took on as extra work. Rememember? I told you
his helper had broken his ankle and if he doesn't have it done before
tomorrow, he won't get paid."

Spike had been grouchy at being pushed away from the boy he had grown
to love so much. "So? Why is that your responsibility? You didn't
promise to help with the bloody job."

Xander had given Spike a look that told him that even though he
wanted to stay with the vampire more than anything, he still had to
keep his promise to his friend. "You're right. I didn't. But I did
promise Robbie I'd bail him out. Come on, Spike. He really needs
this extra money. Even with what he's making at the site with the
raise I got him, it's still not enough. He's got a wife and three
kids to feed and barely enough money to pay the rent since his wife
got hurt and can't work anymore. Do you want to look at those three
kids and tell them that us making love is more important than them
having food on the table or clothes on their backs?"

"No," Spike had answered truthfully. He had a soft spot for children
and Xander knew that. "But why can't one of the other blokes from
work help him?"

"Because they either had something important they had to do, or they
didn't want to help a friend out. I do." Xander had explained.

"What about us, Xander? Isn't our relationship important to you,
too?" Spike had argued.

Xander had just looked at him with a mixture of disbelief and
disappointment. "If you had to ask that question, then maybe you
don't know me as well as both of us thought you did." Xander had
looked at him with pleading eyes, wanting him to understand. When
Spike had turned his back on him, Xander had sighed heavily and
walked out the door.

Spike started to cry softly at the memory and then a smile slowly
appeared on his face as he remembered Xander returning later that
night covered in blue paint from head to toe after accidentally
knocking the paint bucket over on himself. He had been standing in
the doorway, holding out a carton of Spike's favorite cigarettes and
a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"Forgive me, Spike?" I"m sorry I made you feel that you're not
important to me. I love you more than anything in this world. God,
I hate every second that we're away from each other. I think about
you all the time, sometimes so much that I don't watch what I'm doing
which leads to things happening such as becoming a walking Smurf."

"Not much of a painter are you, pet?" Spike had teased as he took the
cigarettes and bottle of JD from Xander and set them on the kitchen
counter. He turned back to the boy in front of him and tried to
control his laughter at Xander's appearance.

"Never claimed I was. I'm a carpenter," Xander had retorted while
taking his clothes off at the front door and piling them into a
corner for later washing. Then he had walked towards Spike, a glint
in his dark brown eyes. "Forgive me and we can have make up sex in
the shower after I get cleaned up - with your help of course."

"Of course, luv. But what would you have done if I had said no?" he
had asked Xander while they walked hand in hand to the bathroom,
stopping every now and then for a kiss.

"That was what the Jack was for. I planned on getting you snockered
and having my way with you."

"Would have taken more than one pint to get me snockered," Spike had
laughed, turning on the shower and getting undressed. "It would have
taken at least three," he had bragged.

"I've got two more down in the car. See how well I know you?"
Xander had replied triumphantly, before taking Spike into his arms
and kissing him hungrily. They had made love in the shower, on the
floor and in the bed before going to sleep leaving Xander with two
hours sleep before going to work.

Yes, Xander had known Spike well. Knew just where to touch him so he
could hear the vampire yell his name, knew how to please him, how to
make Spike moan in ecstasy. Xander knew how and when to make Spike
laugh and how to comfort him when he was upset. Who would do that
now? Spike thought feeling lost.

His mind slipped back to the conversation he had had with Harry that
fateful day. He remembered being woken by the phone, the fear and
pain that had wracked his body at the words the other man had been
conveying to him.

"Spike, did you hear what I just told you? You have to get to
Sunnydale Memorial as soon as possible. You have papers they need
you to sign since you're his partner and he needs you. Spike, he's
hurt bad and he needs you."

It was those words that had urged Spike out of his shock and
despair. Xander was in pain and needed him. Spike had grabbed his
coat and the cell phone Xander had bought him the Christmas before
and made a dash for the sewer entrance near their apartment
building. As he wound his way towards the hospital he had called
Willow telling her what had happened. She had listened, quietly
crying, as he had relayed the news of Xander's accident.

It seemed that a shipment of lumber they had been expecting hadn't
arrived. When Xander had called to check on it, he found out that
the lumbermill was having problems with their union. Most of the men
were on strike and no one would go deliver the shipment. Harry and
Xander had discussed the situation and being as they were already
three days late because of rain, someone from their crew would have
to go and get the shipment themselves. When they called the
lumberyard again the man who answered had reassured Harry that
whoever came to get the shipment would be safe. No one wanted to
hurt anyone. They were just refusing to do their jobs until the
strike was over.

Xander had been afraid that something might happen so just in case he
had insisted on going, as he was the foreman of this crew. He had
informed his crew of the situation and asked if anyone would
volunteer, if not he would go alone. Joey and Scott, two of his
closest friends at work had offered to go so they had set off for the
lumber mill. Two hours later Harry had gotten a phone call about his
men. The truck they had been driving had gone over a large
embankment on Highway 57, a long, narrow and sloping road on the
outskirts of Sunnydale. Joey and Scott had managed to jump from the
truck, however, Xander had been pinned in the cab by falling lumber.
All three had been injured, Xander being the most serious and after
they had managed to extract him from the cab they had transported him
to Sunnydale Memorial. The police on the scene had called Harry with
the information about his three workers and the man had begun calling
their families and loved ones.

After Spike had finished his story, Willow had assured him that she
would call the others, including Cordy and Angel in L.A. and then she
would meet him at the hospital. Spike had reached the hospital in
record time and was soon at Xander's door after threatening to kill
someone if they didn't tell him where Xander was. He had known that
he couldn't really kill the humans, but they didn't know that and had
hurried to oblige him.

He had taken a deep, unneeded breath before entering Xander's room.
He was afraid of what he would find when he stepped inside. He knew
that Xander was still alive, he could detect his lover's heartbeat.
But even though it was beating, it was sluggish and irregular. Spike
had taken in the sight of all the nurses and doctors working
furiously to save the man he loved more than life itself and he
remembered hoping that for once, the Hellmouth wouldn't spit on him.
That the doctors would be able to save the young man who had made him
feel more alive in the past two years than when he was actually alive.

Spike remembered walking rapidly to the bedside of his love, making a
path for himself through the doctors and nurses. When he had first
caught a glimpse of Xander, he would have thought the boy was just
asleep if not for all the needles coming from his body. He had
picked up Xander's hand and hugged it closely to his chest for a
moment before leaning down and kissing Xander on his bruised
forehead. One of the doctors had approached him and taken him by the
arm, urging him towards the door. Spike would have fought him, but
the doctor had told him that he needed to speak to Spike about
Xander's condition. He had gently laid Xander's hand on the bed
after kissing it, and had followed the doctor outside.

Once outside the door, the doctor had turned to Spike, a look of
weary resignation on his face. He had proceeded to inform Spike that
even though they had tried to stop the internal bleeding from the
tear in Xander's heart it was just too damaged to repair. Xander's
chest had been crushed by the falling lumber and his lungs had filled
with blood. They had managed to extract some of the fluid from his
lungs, but one lung had already filled up again and the other was
close to full and every pint of blood that they were putting into
Xander was just having to be siphoned out of his lungs. The doctor
had told Spike there was no way Xander would last through a sugery,
so that option was out. He had just gotten to his diagnosis when the
rest of the gang had appeared.

They had all listened in quiet horror as the doctor informed Spike
that while they had slowed the bleeding, blood was still filling his
lungs. Xander would last a few more minutes at the most before he
would drown in his own blood. Spike remembered sliding down the wall
in shock as he saw Giles grab Buffy and Dawn and hug them, while Tara
had gently taken Willow into her arms, all of them sobbing at the
news of their friend.

Spike had just sat there on the cold hospital floor, looking at
nothing until Willow and Dawn had reached down and helped him back to
his feet. They had steered him to a nearby chair in Xander's room
after the doctor had quietly told them to say their final good-byes
to their friend. Each of them had gone to Xander's bedside, quickly
kissing their friend one last time and assuring him of their love.
Spike came to his senses and quickly ran to Xander's side. He had
heard Xander's heartbeat slowing down and knowing that he didn't have
much time before his love would be dead, he morphed into game face
and leaned over Xander, intending to turn him. He had decided that a
resouled vampire Xander was better than no Xander at all, even if
that meant no sex or an evil version of his lover. But as he tried to
sink his fangs into Xander the chip fired, making him stumble
backwards in pain. He didn't hear their friends begging him to stop
or feel them trying to restrain him from Xander. He didn't even
remember knocking Buffy across the room, until he felt another jolt
of pain that dropped him to his knees.

As he managed to raise himself from the floor, he had come face to
face with Xander who had awoken during the ruckus. Giles and Buffy
were assuring the doctors and nurses that everything was alright and
making them leave Spike and Xander alone. When Spike looked into
Xander's eyes he saw only love and worry for the pain Spike was in.
Spike leaned down as if to try again, when he felt Xander gently take
hold of his arm. He stopped and looked at the boy that meant
everything to him and saw him smiling at him reassuringly.

"It's gonna be alright, Spike. I'm not in that much pain. It'll be
over soon and I don't want to spend my last moments on earth watching
the man I love in pain, trying to do something we both know won't
work. Just stop please and hold me. I'm a little scared and if I'm
going to be leaving this world soon, I need to feel your arms around
me. I need to hear your voice telling me you'll always love me and
that you'll do what I made you promise, please? Xander's voice was
soft as he could hardly talk through the blood he felt beginning to
choke him.

"Xander, I can't do this. I can't just let you die. I'm nothing
without us don't you see that? I can work through the pain," Spike
begged his lover.

"Then what? Either I'm a vicious killer who Buffy will have to kill,
which definitely is not an option. Or I get resouled and never be
able to feel you making love to me ever again? That would be worse
than hell. Do you think I'll make it to heaven?" Xander's eyes were
now becoming scared.

"Of course you will, luv. If anyone deserves to go there it's you.
But it's not going to happen for a long time," Spike tried to calm
the boy.

"That's why you're trying to drain me while having massive
migraines? I don't think so. I can feel it, Spike. I know death is
coming and I just want to spend my last few minutes with you holding
me, telling me how much love me. Can you do that for me, Spike?"
Xander was gasping his words out now and they both knew there was not
much time.

Spike gathered Xander in his arms and started to purr. Soon he felt
Xander relaxing a little, before he heard his boy say, "Please tell
me you're not angry at me for being so stupid. I didn't want to
leave you this soon. We had so many plans, didn't we?"

"Yeah, pet we did and I'm not angry with you. How could I be? You
were just doing your job. Nothing to be angry about except this
fucking situation. We haven't had enough time. We were supposed to
be together for many more years. The damn Hellmouth and the fucking
Initiative has screwed us over one last time," Spike said, tears
rolling down his cheeks as he caressed Xander's face, placing gentle
kisses all over it before kissing him on the lips. The kiss didn't
last long as Xander was hardly able to breathe as it was.

"Don't know about....the Initiative...if you hadn't been chipped we
couldn't have had.....the years we did. And as for the time we spent
together....I was happier in the last few years..... than in the rest
of my miserable life." Xander stopped to try to get a deep breath
that just wasn't there. With all the strength he had left in his
body he raised his hands to cup Spike's face.

"Not much time....tell the gang .....especially Will and Dawnie...how
much they meant to me.....can't express how much I love you....not
enough words.....remember to take care of each other....know you
won't let me down.....just remember me with laughter......not
sadness...know I'll be with you....here and here always...." Xander
said, weakly touching Spike's chest above his heart and then slowly
lifting one hand to weakly tap Spike's head before continuing,"I love
you, Spike.....no matter where I am.....always love you....best thing
in my whole....entire life, remember how happy....you always made
me....I love you....doesn't cover it.....you were my whole existence,
please one last kiss," he begged, his eyes glazing over and as Spike
kissed him for the last time, he felt Xander's hand that had been
touching his head slide through Spike's hair as if in a final caress
and saw it land on the bed next to Xander's body. As he heard his
beloved's final breath, heard his heart struggle for one last beat,
he whispered in his ear, "I'll always love you Alexander Harris." He
raised up and watched as Xander smiled his last smile, saw Xander's
eyelids flutter before they fell over those beautiful brown eyes one
last time, eyes that had been shining with love for Spike. His boy
was dead.

Spike started to sob as he gathered Xander's limp body next to him as
he crawled onto the bed with him. He kissed every inch of Xander's
face, lingering on his eyelids and mouth. He gently rocked his boy,
trying to soothe himself so that he could gather up enough courage to
face their friends with the news that the young man who had been the
heart of their group was no longer with them. He didn't have long to
wait before the door opened and everyone filed in, watching him as he
caressed Xander's chest, face and arms as he kept telling Xander how
much he needed him, loved him, wanted him back. Pleaded with him to
come back to him, knowing that would never happen.

He had felt Buffy and Giles take him by the arms, but he shook them
off. He had gently laid Xander back down onto the bed and with a
final kiss, he had made himself rise and walk unsteadily from the
room, collapsing into a chair in the waiting room. Dawn and Willow
had taken the seats next to him, their arms encircling him in a
comforting embrace as he kept saying over and over, "I've lost him,
I've lost my world. What do I do now?" No one had had an answer for
him because they all knew they didn't know what they were going to do
without Xander's laughter and support. The Scoobies had definitely
lost their heart that day.

It had been close to half an hour before the Doctor had once again
approached the vampire. He had offered his condolences to everyone
before he informed Spike that Xander had signed the back of his
driver's license, giving them permission to take any available organs
he might have for transplant. He needed Spike to sign the forms so
that Xander's wishes could be acted on as soon as possible. The
doctor had told Spike and the others that while they could not use
Xander's heart or lungs, his other organs were alright, including his
eyes.

When the doctor had mentioned removing Xander's eyes, Spike had
snapped out of his shock and lunged at the doctor, trying to rip his
heart out. Only the chip had stopped him, firing with such a jolt
that he had fallen to the floor and laid there until Giles and Buffy
had managed to get him back to his seat. He had looked up to see
Willow and Dawn yelling at the doctor over his insensitivity towards
Spike at a time like this and refusing to let him do anything to
Xander's eyes even if it was Xander's decision. The doctor had
backed off, telling them he would talk to Spike later on.

Spike was livid at the thought of anyone having those eyes, the ones
that held so much of his lover's expressions, his emotions. Spike
had always thought they were beautiful. Anyone that knew Xander knew
he was an open book when they looked deeply into those brown depths.
No matter how much Xander tried to hide his emotions from everyone,
his eyes told the story. Flashes of Xander's face entered Spike's
mind like pictures in a scrapbook. Xander looking up at him with awe
the first time they had made love. Xander's eyes filled with fear at
the newest demon until they became cold with anger bordering on rage
at the thought of that same demon hurting Spike or one of his
friends. The look of determination when he made his attack on said
demon. The look of amusement on his face as he watched Spike grill
Dawn about her latest boyfriend. The look of sadness and pain when
he talked about his childhood and all his lost friends. The look of
annoyance when Buffy and Spike had an altercation over who had dyed
their hair the most. The look of pride when Giles complimented him
on something he had done right. The look of admiration when he
watched Spike fight with such grace. The look of concentration and
frustration while researching. The look of childlike innocence when
he and Willow had made Spike and Tara stop one night after patrol so
they could play in the sandbox and how they had changed to a
childlike happiness when he had swung Willow on the swing until he
had made her go so high she was gasping for breath. The look of
tenderness and understanding when he had held Dawn as she cried about
someone bullying her at school. But most of them were pictures of
Xander looking at him with lust, longing and need during their many
nights of making love, after which Xander would lay cuddled next to
Spike, his eyes filled with pure unadulterated love for the vampire.
No, no one would ever take those eyes from his boy. Spike had
remembered thinking about the time he had told his lover that whoever
had made the comment that the eyes were the windows of the soul must
have been talking about Xander. His love had laughed and said he was
closing the shutters then and going to sleep which he had promptly
done.

He had looked over to the doctor and told him that he would sign the
forms for everything else because that was Xander's wishes but his
eyes were not to be touched. He threatened death again on anyone who
even thought about it and the doctor had reassured him that his
wishes would be carried out. After Spike had signed the forms he was
gently led out of the hospital by the others, a blanket thrown over
his head for the short run to Giles' car that he had pulled out
front. He had heard Willow calling Cordy on her cell phone to inform
her that it was too late, that Xander had died 45 minutes ago. He
had heard the gasp of pain Cordy had let out before he heard the
clink of the phone where Cordy had dropped it. After a few moments
he had heard Angel's voice, husky with tears consoling the grieving
girl. Finally, Angel had gotten on the phone and told Willow that
they were almost to Sunnydale and would meet them all at Buffy's
house. When he had inquired about Spike, Willow had just told him to
hurry and hung up the phone.

Spike shook his head to try to rid himself of those memories and
still crying, he made his way into the bedroom. He saw Xander's
favorite worn out shirt laying on the floor and slowly bent to pick
it up. He looked at it a moment before he slipped it over his head
and after putting it on, he hugged it closely to him, still smelling
Xander's scent on the shirt. He headed to the bed and laid down,
cuddling Xander's pillow to his chest and crying himself to sleep.
As sleep took hold he remembered the funeral.

*Flash*

The funeral had been held at sunset, thus allowing Spike and Angel to
be there. Spike had looked around at all the people there and knew
that Xander would have been happy to know so many people cared enough
about him to attend. His boy had always felt he wasn't worthy of
anyone's love. Spike knew Xander would have been shocked to see the big
church running over with people, so many there that some had to
stand. Even Scott and Joey had been there, just having been released
from the hospital. They had made their way over to where Spike had
stood with Angel, who had stayed beside him, never leaving during the
time between Xander's death and now. With tear filled eyes the men told
Spike how Xander had saved their lives.

Xander had been driving the truck down the steep incline when he went
to slow them down by touching the brakes. The brakes, however, had
failed to work. They all knew they were going to go over the
embankment and just before it did, Xander had grabbed the emergency
brake and pulled on it hard, telling them to jump. The truck had
barely slowed but it had given them enough time to jump free, but
before Xander could get his door open and follow, the truck had
crashed and the lumber had fallen on him. The police had informed
Spike that the brakes on the truck had been deliberately cut and they
were looking for a man named Charlie Shaw, who had been making
threats about doing something bad if they didn't get a raise. Harry
had been distraught about sending the boys into the lumberyard, but
Spike had assured him that he had no way of knowing about this man.
After all, Harry had been told it was safe. Spike and Angel had
exchanged a glance that Spike knew Angel understood. The man would
pay for killing Xander, whether Buffy wanted it or not.

Spike had endured the endless line of people offering their
condolences, everyone ranging from the Scooby gang and Xander's
friends at work to people that Xander had gone to high school with. He
had smiled as he listened to some of them talking about how Xander
had led them against the Mayor when he turned into the snake on
Graduation Day. Everyone had told him that they had admired Xander
for staying behind, even with the snake a few feet in front of him,
to look around and make sure that he got out as many of his
classmates as he possibly could before leaving, even though Buffy had
already told them to leave. Xander's parents had not shown up for
the funeral, having been warned, in a not so gentle way, by Angel and
Willow that if they attended very, very bad things would happen.

After everyone had gone, except for Cordy, Angel and the Scooby Gang,
Buffy had warned them all against exacting revenge on Charlie Shaw.
It would not bring Xander back, and they were not to kill a human, no
matter how much she or any of them wanted to. That was for the
police to handle. Everyone had assured her she was right, including
Spike who told her all that mattered to him was that his love was
gone and would not be coming back. Buffy had believed them and let
the subject go. She didn't see the glances exchanged between Angel,
Spike, Willow, Dawn, Tara and Cordelia. They had plans of their own,
but Buffy was not going to be a part of it.

A few days had passed and they had located the man. After Spike had
made it clear just why the man was going to die, telling him through tear filled eyes just what he had lost and would never find again, Angel had ripped his
heart out. That had come after many hours of torture - Angelus style. Angel had not wanted to drain
someone that had killed his friend and his grandchilde's lover.
Willow and Tara had magically teleported the body and they had all
looked at each other with understanding - this was for Xander. No
one would speak of it again.

When Buffy heard about the man missing they had all feigned
innocence. Willow, Tara and Dawn had assured Buffy and Giles that
they had been with Spike the entire time since Xander's death, afraid
they said of what he might do to himself. Buffy had then called L.A.
and Cordy and everyone there had told her that Angel had been in L.A.
the whole time, working extra hard to hide his grief at the loss of
Xander and worrying about Spike. When Buffy had been satisfied that
none of the Scoobies or their L.A. counterparts had had anything to
do with the man's disappearance, she had figured that he had ran away
from the police.

Spike was still lying on the bed wrapped in Xander's shirt and
surrounded by his pillows when Willow and Dawn had returned. He had
been reliving his life with Xander, how they had finally come
together after fighting so much due to the sexual tension between
them, their first kiss which had come after a patrol where Spike had
been badly hurt. Xander had nursed him back to health, even giving
him some of his own blood to help him heal.

"I can't just let you die, Spike. Well, not again anyway. I need
you," Xander had admitted.

"Need me for what? Muscle on patrol? Someone to nag at? Someone to
make fun of?" Spike had asked.

"No, someone to love," Xander had told him shyly, before reaching
down and kissing the vampire. When they had come up for breath,
Xander had waited to see if Spike returned his feelings or whether he
was going to leave. Spike had seen the look of joy on his boy's face
when Spike had admitted that he had wanted to do that for a long
time. They had made love, Spike taking Xander gently and lovingly,
for it was his first time with a man. When they had finally
collapsed in a sated heap on the bed, Xander had turned to Spike and
said, "It's official. I'm addicted to you. You'll never be able to
leave me ever unless you want to see much groveling and begging which I will
happily do."

"No groveling or begging needed," Spike had told him. "This is where
I want to be for the rest of my undead life."

Spike hugged the pillow tighter as Willow and Dawn sat on the side of
the bed and watched over him for a few minutes. Finally, they had
asked Spike if he was ready to go and they had slowly risen and
grabbing the things Spike had packed while he was thinking, they
walked to the door. As Spike got ready to close the door on this
chapter of his life, he turned back and looked into the apartment
that held so many wonderful memories of the handsome, young man he
had wanted to spend eternity with. "I'll never forget you or my
promise to you, Xander. I'll keep them safe. I love you always, my
sweet pet. I feel you in my heart and mind all the time, so I guess
you kept your promise to me too. You'll be with me till I'm dust and
I'll remember you every day." And with that he closed the door and
walked away from the happiest years of his life, into the loving arms
of the two girls who would make sure that he got through this, just
as he would them. Even in death, Xander was still keeping everyone
together. He was still the heart.

End